It’s Dave’s Fault (The Blame Game)

I bet you didn’t know about what Dave’s done now.

If you watch people for long enough, you start to pick up on certain patterns. That is, if you watch people for long enough and you have any pattern-recognition ability at all, you do.

I watch people a lot. I also have some pattern-recognition ability. From time to time, then, I pick up on certain patterns among the people I see.

Like I pick up on this: People love pointing fingers. Placing blame. It could be about who’s responsible for their problems. It could be about who’s responsible for your problems. It doesn’t really matter, because the Blame Game is just that fun.

Some people blame something called the Illuminati for all of the world’s problems. Others blame the Catholics or the feminists or the Latinos. And the Republicans blame the Democrats and the Democrats blame the Republicans.

And every time that something bad happens, you see them. Blaming. No matter how random the event, they will find a way to blame their favorite personal scapegoat.

It is the national pastime!

I met Dave in a coffee shop in the Heights this past week. Now, Dave is not part of any movement. He is not representing some larger interest group, and he does not even have a belief system to speak of.

But after ten minutes talking with Dave in that Heights-area coffee shop, I came to realize something.

It’s Dave’s fault.

All of it.

Dave is to blame for your problems. Dave is to blame for OUR problems.

Check it out:

That job you applied for? The one you did not get even though you were qualified? The job did not go to a black Jewish crippled gay Vet, after all. It did not go to the boss’ nephew. It went to Dave.

The cancellation of “Arrested Development”? Dave’s idea.

Dave inserted passages into everyone’s holy books that make them read as though they want you dead.

Dave has been watching you and he does not approve of what you do in the privacy of your own home.

Dave wants to force lifestyles down your throat (whatever that means).

For FY 2012, over one-third of the federal budget goes to…( You guessed it!)... Dave.

Dave cannot account for his whereabouts on November 22, 1963.

One time, Dave pulled a gun on an old lady in broad daylight. Nothing happened to him. If that had been you or that had been me pulling that gun, can you even imagine what they would have done to us? But not Dave. Dave gets special treatment.

Dave is why we cannot have nice things.

Scientists now estimate that the space heater under Dave’s desk has raised global mean temperatures three-quarters of one degree in the past fifteen years.

Dave turned me into a lesbian. It was not nature and it was not nurture. It was Dave, altering my chromosomes.

Dave’s SAT scores are single-handedly responsible for the United States slipping to 14^thin the global education rankings. 

All this finger pointing? Dave started it! 

It was Dave.

It was Dave.

It was always Dave.

So the next time something happens - Like, oh, I don’t know… Maybe Texas schools eliminate History from their curriculum – I know exactly what I am going to do. I will not blame the corporations or the welfare queens or the queers.

I will wave my fist in the air and I will scream, “Da-a-a-a-a-ave!”

And you, well, you will be one of the few people who will know what it is I am talking about. Because you read this.

Help get the word out: We need to stop hating each other. We need to start hating Dave.

I hope this cleared a few things up for you. Kumbaya. 

(And now it’s your turn: What in your life can you blame Dave for?)

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