Saturday, July 28, 2012

It’s Dave’s Fault (The Blame Game)


I bet you didn’t know about what Dave’s done now.

If you watch people for long enough, you start to pick up on certain patterns. That is, if you watch people for long enough and you have any pattern-recognition ability at all, you do.

I watch people a lot. I also have some pattern-recognition ability. From time to time, then, I pick up on certain patterns among the people I see.

Like I pick up on this: People love pointing fingers. Placing blame. It could be about who’s responsible for their problems. It could be about who’s responsible for your problems. It doesn’t really matter, because the Blame Game is just that fun.

Some people blame something called the Illuminati for all of the world’s problems. Others blame the Catholics or the feminists or the Latinos. And the Republicans blame the Democrats and the Democrats blame the Republicans.

And every time that something bad happens, you see them. Blaming. No matter how random the event, they will find a way to blame their favorite personal scapegoat.

It is the national pastime!

I met Dave in a coffee shop in the Heights this past week. Now, Dave is not part of any movement. He is not representing some larger interest group, and he does not even have a belief system to speak of.

But after ten minutes talking with Dave in that Heights-area coffee shop, I came to realize something.

It’s Dave’s fault.

All of it.

Dave is to blame for your problems. Dave is to blame for OUR problems.

Check it out:

That job you applied for? The one you did not get even though you were qualified? The job did not go to a black Jewish crippled gay Vet, after all. It did not go to the boss’ nephew. It went to Dave.

The cancellation of “Arrested Development”? Dave’s idea.

Dave inserted passages into everyone’s holy books that make them read as though they want you dead.

Dave has been watching you and he does not approve of what you do in the privacy of your own home.

Dave wants to force lifestyles down your throat (whatever that means).

For FY 2012, over one-third of the federal budget goes to…( You guessed it!)... Dave.

Dave cannot account for his whereabouts on November 22, 1963.

One time, Dave pulled a gun on an old lady in broad daylight. Nothing happened to him. If that had been you or that had been me pulling that gun, can you even imagine what they would have done to us? But not Dave. Dave gets special treatment.

Dave is why we cannot have nice things.

Scientists now estimate that the space heater under Dave’s desk has raised global mean temperatures three-quarters of one degree in the past fifteen years.

Dave turned me into a lesbian. It was not nature and it was not nurture. It was Dave, altering my chromosomes.

Dave’s SAT scores are single-handedly responsible for the United States slipping to 14thin the global education rankings. 

All this finger pointing? Dave started it! 

It was Dave.

It was Dave.

It was always Dave.

So the next time something happens - Like, oh, I don’t know… Maybe Texas schools eliminate History from their curriculum – I know exactly what I am going to do. I will not blame the corporations or the welfare queens or the queers.

I will wave my fist in the air and I will scream, “Da-a-a-a-a-ave!”

And you, well, you will be one of the few people who will know what it is I am talking about. Because you read this.

Help get the word out: We need to stop hating each other. We need to start hating Dave.

I hope this cleared a few things up for you. Kumbaya. 

(And now it’s your turn: What in your life can you blame Dave for?)

*     *     *     *     *

47 comments:

  1. I'm pretty sure Dave fucked my ex-girlfriend at a field party and began the process of us breaking up. I hated him for that, but now that I've thought about it, I'd like to give him a high five.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If you'd give Dave a high five, it makes you no better than he is!

      It makes you the kind of useful idiot that Dave depends on to keep up his reign of terror.

      Still, I won't hold it against you if you want to come back to my blog again. I can teach you how to move beyond Dave. It's sort of like de-programming.

      Delete
  2. Replies
    1. You know, he'd probably be perfect for that.

      He has no ideological constituency, so EVERYONE could be united against him, blaming everything from losing their keys to the loss of their childhood way of life to HIM!

      Delete
  3. Dammit! All this time I've been blaming, stalking, and threatening Hector when it was really Dave's fault.

    I'm so ashamed.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Tell yer friends. I really think that we can all come together as a nation behind this.

      Delete
  4. Katy, i want to bugger you ! ! !.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That might have just pulled me back over to the straight side.

      Let me think on it for a few...

      Hmmm...

      No. No. Close, but I'm going to pass.

      Delete
  5. This whole global warming thing has Dave's fingerprints all over it.

    (and that time I got caught flushing a grade card down the toilet in middle school? Dave totally talked me into THAT shit...)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dave was responsible for the forces that led to you getting a grade so bad that you had to flush it to begin with!

      Delete
  6. Don't know what he did, but Dave didn't ride through town naked on a moped all summer, that was Bryan.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Butman makes the world a better place.

      Dave makes it worse. Much worse.

      Delete
  7. That's him. That's the guy. That's the guy who stole my eyebrows and a whole bunch of nouns I was planning to finish sentences with. I thought it was menopause, but it was Dave.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "That's the guy who stole my eyebrows" is now officially my favorite phrase of the week!

      I'm glad you are able to see just how evil this guy is. We can't have Dave out there anymore, causing people to end their sentences with prepositions.

      Delete
  8. So all things rectal are Dave's fault too!?! Hemorrhoids, colon/rectal cancer, anal fissures, mud-butt, all Dave? Oooohhhhh that Dave! Although, a supervillain of Dave's stature needs a better supervillain name than "Dave". Or is the fact his name is so plain part of his nefarious scheme to avoid detection. You're a clever one, Dave, but we'll get you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dave just seems like anyone else walking down the street, but man...

      You pass him up, think you're going on about your day and WHAM! Fistula!

      Delete
  9. Replies
    1. Look at that!

      Mission accomplished.

      I made Mooner forget about his hatred for the Texas Governor for a few moments.

      We've started to come together already.

      Delete
  10. Why would you post this? What did I do?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't believe you're the real Dave. The REAL Dave would have left a trail of suffering and bad ideas in his wake!

      Delete
  11. I just opened my fridge and realized that I'm out of Miller Genuine Draft Light beer. Damn you Dave!!!!!

    Jay

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. He's been manipulating the markets to make sure that you didn't have any MGD.

      Plus, he came over and stole some.

      Delete
  12. Love finding a scapegoat to collectively blame for everything.

    This sandwich has too much mustard on it. Damn you, Dave!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You are ready for your own radio talk show already!

      Delete
  13. I need to blame Dave for something, yeah, I got one.
    I am all sunburnt now and I totally look like overburnt barbecue chicken now I blame Dave for the heat and temperature and for not making me use waterproof sunscreen.

    He needs to be sent to Guantanamo Bay or Florida right away. Maybe Colorado?

    Pictures are lovely, you both look awesome and lovely in the pictures. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dave does not care about your skin. How hard would it have been for him to speak up ahead of time?

      Thanks for dropping by... I have been negligent in my blog reading duties lately. I have so much to catch up on!

      Delete
  14. Katy, if i did bugger you you`d never waste your time with Dana again, you`d literally want my knob up you bum 24 hours a day ! ! !.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Katy, today is Schwarzenegger's 65th birthday, the fucking dirty, worthless, aryan, racist, nazi, third-reich loving, Hitler-worshipping, master-race, supremacist bastard.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's an awful lot of name-calling considering that we have now established beyond a reasonable doubt that DAVE is the cause of all of our problems.

      Delete
  16. Debbie CroissantJuly 30, 2012 at 9:14 PM

    Katy, i`m madly in love with you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi, Debbie.

      Most everybody is, actually. It's a curse.

      Delete
  17. I agree about Schwarzenegger, he really is a quite atrocious piece of garbage.

    ReplyDelete
  18. When theres no getting over that rainbow,

    When my smallest of dreams wont come true,

    I can take all the madness the world has to give,

    But i wont last a day without Heather O`Rourke.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Replies
    1. There's no way to read those words in anything other than Tommy Chong's voice. It's just not possible.

      Delete
    2. I knew a super-sleuth like you would figure it out! ;)

      Delete
    3. unfortunately, I am usually pretty good with drug culture references.

      Delete
    4. That's ok. You never know when it might come in handy. Just try to stay strong.

      Delete
  20. So that whole Middle East thing... hmm. Thanks a lot, Dave.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. A couple well-placed rumors, and just LOOK what he accomplished!

      Actually, I am exaggerating. But Dave DID draw the borders for Iraq and other countries after the WW1 breakup of the Ottoman Empire.

      So it's Dave fault.

      Delete
  21. Katy, why didn`t you say anything about Jervaise Brooke Hamsters beautiful tribute to Heather O'Rourke ?, i thought it was quite magical ! ! !.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. There was nothing I could add to it that would do anything but take away from the perfection of the words, so I held my tongue.

      Delete
  22. jervaise brooke hamsterAugust 10, 2012 at 3:12 PM

    Ahhh...thanks little darlin`, that is so sweet.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm all about giving commenters the love.

      Delete
  23. It is Dave's fault my 401K tanked and I have to work until age 88?

    For the record, taking history out of the Texas cirrculum was a good idea. This gives the kids more time to practice football. Or cheerleading. Well done Dave!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It would probably take me a little while to figure out how to connect Dave to your 401k, but it IS his fault.

      Maybe I can find one of these talk radio guys who excel at this sort of thing to make the right connections...

      Delete
  24. jervaise brooke hamsterAugust 14, 2012 at 10:34 PM

    Yes my dear, but do you have the power to bring Heather back to life just for me ! ?.

    ReplyDelete

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