Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Our Lucy

Lucy was a time bomb. She was always ready to blow.

She knew it. We knew it. She knew that we knew it. We knew that she knew we knew, etc.

Her mother was a go-go dancer and her father was a Saudi prince with his own private jet plane and a shade of desert sand named after him. Or maybe he was just an oil baron… I forget the details exactly, but either way, Daddy was somebody with enough money on hand to buy a go-go dancer for the night.

And on the day Luce was born, her mother stamped an expiration date on her and she whispered in her ear, “Tag, you’re it.”  So Lucy was a time bomb from day one. She was always ready to blow.

Friday, November 16, 2012

The Continuing Adventures of Hall and Oates

They pass by my window, just outside, every evening right before midnight. Hall and Oates do, I mean.

11:50, on the nose, they scurry through the bushes, right to left. Then, ten minutes later – at the very stroke of the very witching hour! – they’re back again, left to right this time, and then gone for another twenty-four hours.

They will be back. You could set your watch by Hall and Oates’ schedule.

Thursday, November 8, 2012

Soap Opera

“There are known knowns; there are things we know that we know.
There are known unknowns; that is to say, there are things that we know we don’t know.
But there are also unknown unknowns; things we do not know we don’t know.”
                                                                          – former Secretary of State Donald Rumsfeld

I read these words of Donald Rumsfeld, and the words make me wonder: Why’d you leave out the unknown knowns, Don? The things that we do not know that we know?

That’s what this blog post is all about. Unknown knowns.

Saturday, November 3, 2012

Ode to Tube Socks

You’ve got to get yourself a good pair of tube socks. White cotton, wide stripes, six pairs to a package. Girls can’t resist a girl wearing tube socks. The longer the better. Pull them up past your knees.

Pull ‘em up, pull ‘em up!

Pull them up just as high as they’ll go…

I remember back in junior high, out by the soccer fields. Watching girls run by had me feeling confused. Confused and mesmerized, froze in place like a statue. Could I be a sports fan if I don’t know the rules? I can’t be a sports fan: I don’t care who fuckin’ wins this. Just standing here and watching feels like I’m the one who scored.

I did not understand it then. I sort of understand it now. It’s all about the tube socks, so pull them up and go!

Pull ‘em up, pull ‘em up!

Pull them up just as high as they’ll go…

Okay, a few years later now, I’ve given up those soccer girls. ‘Cause soccer girls are scary; they can crush you in those thighs. But it wasn’t about the soccer girls and it wasn’t about the muscle thighs and it wasn’t about the-
      … um…
         about the…
                it wasn’t…

Hold on... Mental image… Give me a second here… I’ll be just fine…


Alright. Alright, I think I’m ready now…

Tube sock icon,
Heather Graham,
in "Boogie Nights"
It wasn’t about the soccer girls and it wasn’t about the muscle thighs. It wasn’t about the jerseys and it wasn’t about the score.

You see that lipstick cannot fix a pig and horses don’t need lingerie, but a plain Jane wears some tube socks and there’s a good chance that she’ll glow.

So pull ‘em up, pull ‘em up!

Pull them up just as high as they’ll go…

They’ll turn the girl next door into a force of nature. 

They’re hotter than high heels and cheaper than a boob job. A good pair of tube socks’ll cure whatever ails. A couple little ragged holes, they ain’t going to hurt you. You can wear them with your shorts on like your grandpa used to do.

A woman’s just a woman but a hot chick’s wearing tube socks. They’re bound to get you laid if they’re cotton, white, with stripes. I’m not one to give fashion tips but I recommend some tube socks. They’re never out of style and they make the girlies drool.

Pull ‘em up, pull ‘em up!

Pull them up just as high as they’ll go…

[WARNING!: This rule only applies to girls. Guys in tube socks? Meh...]