To the Woman I Almost Hit with My Car and Then Proceeded to Bawl out in the Montrose Kroger Parking Lot:
Good afternoon, and I am an asshole.
Now, don’t go taking that the wrong way. This is not an apology. I think it is important that I state right up front here and now that what I did was reasonable – maybe even understated! – given the circumstances. You are a royal fool. Assuming you are indeed licensed to operate that monstrosity I witnessed you “driving” (I use the term loosely), you are my best evidence yet that the licensing authorities of this state are incompetent nincompoops.
So I say that I am an asshole but I do not concede that to be a very bad thing.
|The line between assholiness
and greatness can be hazy.
If I could change anything about what I did in the parking lot, it would be the part where I yelled out my window at your young female spawn, “Little girl, you are going to wind up an orphan because Mommy cares more about texting than where she is going.” The poor thing looked so heartbroken and four is too too young to learn you’re being raised by the dullest knife in the drawer.
That was an asshole thing for me to do.
(Assholish? Assholian? Assholic?)
I have always been this way. This weekend, when not busy cussing out mothers and daughters in grocery store parking lots, I have been digitalizing my youth. Recording old VHS tapes onto DVD for posterity, that is.