Sunday, February 27, 2011

A Confession of Sorts

To the Woman I Almost Hit with My Car and Then Proceeded to Bawl out in the Montrose Kroger Parking Lot:

Good afternoon, and I am an asshole.

Now, don’t go taking that the wrong way. This is not an apology. I think it is important that I state right up front here and now that what I did was reasonable – maybe even understated! – given the circumstances. You are a royal fool. Assuming you are indeed licensed to operate that monstrosity I witnessed you “driving” (I use the term loosely), you are my best evidence yet that the licensing authorities of this state are incompetent nincompoops.

So I say that I am an asshole but I do not concede that to be a very bad thing.
The line between assholiness
and greatness can be hazy.

If I could change anything about what I did in the parking lot, it would be the part where I yelled out my window at your young female spawn, “Little girl, you are going to wind up an orphan because Mommy cares more about texting than where she is going.” The poor thing looked so heartbroken and four is too too young to learn you’re being raised by the dullest knife in the drawer.

That was an asshole thing for me to do.

(Assholish? Assholian? Assholic?)

I have always been this way. This weekend, when not busy cussing out mothers and daughters in grocery store parking lots, I have been digitalizing my youth. Recording old VHS tapes onto DVD for posterity, that is.

Watching those tapes one after another after another, starting with Grammar School Me and moving forward to Me Me, it has been what my people like to call a real eye-opener. As the Eighties become the Nineties become the Decade-That-No-One-Ever-Bothered-Deciding-on-a-Name-For, I see a gradual change come over the faces of my family and loved ones.

When I was young, everyone saw how I was. They put up with it because they believed it to be a symptom or side effect of genius. In their eyes, I was destined for greatness and my eccentricities would make great material for the inevitable future biographers.

Just because some assholes are famous
does not mean I will ever be famous.
It has taken them better than a quarter century to figure out what you realized in less than two minutes. There is no pot of gold at the end of this rainbow. I’m not difficult and destined for greatness. I’m just an asshole.

Maybe I should feel bad about that part.

You see, even though I am an asshole, it does not mean I have no conscience. On the contrary, much thought went into the decision to leave this non-apology apology under your windshield wiper. And up until the last moment, I’d nearly decided against keying your car at all.

Plus, your back passenger side tire was already dangerously low on air when I got here.

Assuming you’ve read this far down in the letter – and if you have, what the hell is your daughter doing while you stand there sounding out the six-letter words? – I’d like to thank you for your time and your attention. I might even get a halfway-to-decent blog out of this screed. Readers always make themselves believe I am using hyperbole to comedic effect, that I am not really as bad as I put on.

Hope does spring eternal, as my people say.

Speaking of hope, I almost wish the rest of your weekend goes better.  But keep an eye out. Assholes are everywhere!

Much love,

An Asshole.


  1. i refuse to believe that someone who writes this brilliantly is not destined for greatness. I REFUSE TO BELIEVE IT!

    and i just went to your tumblr page, and saw the pic "in soviet russia, pussy eat you". i fucking love you ;)

  2. And here I thought poverty was the only side-effect of genius.

  3. You've got a few years to go to attain the kind of curmudgeonly-state which I've achieved; I can tell you from the vantage-point of experience that your best bet at this point in the game is to continue being you - not because 'you're the only "you" you can be', or somesuch silliness - but because to do anything else would betray your genetics, and let a lot of people down.

    Y'see, there are only a few of us lone-wolf types out there who trade in unvarnished truth - and we're a perpetually-endangered species (thanks be to the human genome for genning-up a continuous, if small, supply).

    So, I'll submit by closing that you're not an 'asshole', any more than I'm an 'asshole'. I prefer to believe that the coin in which we trade, philosophically and metaphorically, is the truth; unvarnished and whole.

    If that means telling a four-year-old that her Momma is gonna die from texting, then you've done her a service.

    (I once almost ran over a parking lot attendant at a hotel. He stepped right in front of my truck; I'm assuming he thought that I would [1] read his mind, and [2] that my truck came with magic brakes which anticipated the behavior of poorly-paid staff with double-digit IQ's. After telling him that he was lucky not to get killed, I parked my own vehicle and fucked him out of his tip.

    Insult to injury, I asked the front-desk clerk about the guy parking cars. "Oh, he's my boyfriend!"

    "Sweetie, here's some advice. Don't get married. He has a penchant for stepping out in front of moving trucks. For damn sure, don't breed with him. They'll all come out of the chute with an IQ of 50.")

    And so it goes.....

  4. Hi, Kage! I like writing. I wouldn’t want to ruin it by making it something I HAVE to do. “Greatness” is in the eye of the beholder, I suppose. I keep myself entertained.

    A Beer for the Shower: Hey, I think Jesus said all sorts of good things about poverty in the beatitudes, didn’t he? Art is God’s way of allowing scuzzy artist types to go to heaven. (I’m sticking with this theory – you can’t stop me.)

    Hey, Will… You mention curmudgeons, truth, and advice, and then you end with “So it goes.” I’ve always suspected you might be Kurt Vonnegut. Regardless, it IS a damn surprising we humans haven’t done blown ourselves up yet, isn’t it?

  5. KatyDid, are you familiar with Dalton Trumbo? It almost sounds like you might be related, but then again that would be assuming that this is a genetic issue, ie, that you were "born this way".

  6. Does an assaholic have too many assholes or are they just over-expressive of their assholedness?

    Just wondering, anatomically, how that works out.

    And btw, you funny.

  7. Apuleius: I had no idea who he was until I just wiki’d him. I can understand the connection there – and a list of quotes I found by him ties him in to this blog quite nicely. Plus, he wrote the novel AND directed the movie for “Johnny Got His Gun,” so the Metallica fan in me approves.

    Lydia: Ha! I can sort of see that word working on both levels. It’s kind of a Joycean thing.

  8. Come off it.. you're already getting Charlie Sheen to ghost write for you.. and here you've only just begun.

  9. JerseyDave: Hey, man, do not screw with the power and poetry of Charlie Sheen (who admits to be on a drug called Charlie Sheen) and his “fire-breathing fists”!

    (Sheen’s quote is: “I fire back once and this contaminated little maggot can't handle my power and can't handle the truth. I wish him nothing but pain in his silly travels especially if they wind up in my octagon. Clearly I have defeated this earthworm with my words -- imagine what I would have done with my fire breathing fists.”)

  10. Hi, Erich! Thank you? Someday, they will erect monuments to me, and they will say, “She possessed genius, and she used that genius to, um… write insulting blogs. Could’a cured cancer or something, but no… Just blogs.”


  11. "[...] sounding out the six-letter words [...]"

    Best line I have read in a very long time. Great post.

    Honestly, I think it's ok if she is texting and driving and flies off a cliff while driving alone, because that's just survival of the fittest, but it's really not cool to bring a child into the mix, or to risk running into someone else and hurting them.

    She should be put in jail, or at least, a mental institution. Wait, am I an asshole now?

  12. Thank you, Kev! This is still a new blog page, I’m not sure where it’s going, and that kind of encouragement helps, ha… I am not going to say you’re an asshole. But hey, maybe THAT is my target audience. If I could just get all of the assholes to read me…

  13. "She should be put in jail, or at least, a mental institution."

    *big laugh* been there, done that.

  14. Since an asshole is clearly not born that way, then, can this asshole find ways to regain her innocence that she was born with?

    I hope so; though hope doesn't do shit in the real world, hope is sometimes all we have left.

  15. If it weren't for the occasional asshole we would all probably still be trying to sound out those 6 letter words...I'm betting you helped motivate the little one to be a tad more attentive in school than mommy dearest.

    This was very enjoyable & I look forward to following along in your tales!

  16. JerseyDave: You do know he WAS talking about the other woman, not me, right? I mean, I have not shared NEARLY enough on here yet for folks to know that about me! (Have I?)

    5464: “Hope” can get you elected President, and it is also a great place to stop for gas when you’re traveling from Houston to Branson. The Burger King there sucks, though.

    AbsolutelyPrimed: I’m sorry it took 24 hours for me to say thanks! I must really be a JERK for waiting so lo- Oh. Never mind. I’m covered already, aren’t I? Welcome aboard.

  17. When I'm an asshole its mostly because I can't be bothered to act interested in people. If I had more energy I'd probably be a pretty nice guy.

  18. But you haven't said anything about whether an asshole can redeem herself and can regain her innocence.

    I hope so.

    Yes, HOPE, especially when there is nothing else left in this world. Right?

  19. Christopher: That means you are not an asshole. Real assholes – like me – treat their loved ones way worse than they treat strangers. Also, this week, I’ve been pretty stressed. Lot of crap at work. I realize that when I have too much to do I order people around a lot – and that people like that. People want to be told what to do automatons. Weird…

    5464: I am not sure what inside information you think I have, but I do not have the answer for that. However, I have heard that in the end the love you take is equal to the love you make. I can’t vouch for that, either…

  20. So you mean real assholes are like babies?

    Babies are always cute and cuddly in front of neighbors and strangers. But at home and in the middle of the night, they would shriek and poop until mommies and daddies are completely disgusted and defeated. This must be what you meant by “in the end the love you take is equal to the love you make”, yes?

    Are you going to have any babies any time soon?

  21. 5464: I was quoting the Beatles. They might have been talking about dirty diapers, though.

  22. I've started following so many blogs lately that I just now got a chance to read yours.........FUCKING AMAZING!!! I really enjoyed that. I'm a fan. That was so witty and brilliant. I have A CRUSH on your writing. Keep it coming!!

  23. Thank you, Rafa! I appreciate that. I’ve had a slow start with this page so far – I mean, I’ve been distracted by work and some other things. But I’m going to stick with it…

  24. DUUUUUDE Houston drivers are the worst (I live in Houston as well)! I've had so many moments were I've fantasized about various forms of punishment for the drivers of Houston but it all stays in my head. Since this is Texas it's just too risky for a non-gun wielding chick like myself to even flip someone off.

    Btw, thanks for commenting on my recent post. I loved your response and you make great points. I think that a degree in religious studies can be on par with philosophy and history but I believe what my friend was talking about was the type of degrees where religion is taught as fact and the holders of those degrees all of a sudden believe they are experts of life. They're not, they're experts on fiction.

    Anyway, thanks again for participating! :)

  25. Hi, Natalia. I live in the Montrose area, and the traffic problem here increasingly involves maneuvering around gawkers: people who want to stare at a drag queen or landmark…

    About the religion thing, I tend to play devil’s advocate. If I see the tide is against religion, I’ll almost defend it. Texas is so overwhelmingly Christian, I don’t have to defend Christianity very often…

  26. You are not exactly the worst rectum in the toilet block, I can assure you.

    I am worse, but then the people I take my holy wrath out on also deserve it.

  27. Bill the Butcher: You don’t know me. I could be terrible!... We all have our moments, I suppose, warranted or not... We’d be doing the world no service to let horrific actions go unpunished...


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