To a man.
On Tuesday, my wife got married, too. She married my husband’s husband, who also happens to be my twin brother.
Or, put another way: “I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together.”
Even if you cannot keep all of that straight (and I am not sure I can keep all of that straight), you should try and understand this much: For the past 55 hours, I have openly and notoriously lived as a bigamist, daring the authorities to do something about it.
They have not. It might take some more time. I might have to be more open. More notorious. More daring. After all, this is not double super secret bigamy. This is Double Bigamy (All the Way).
It came to me about four months ago. I mean the idea for this. It was like a lightning bolt or the clap. One moment the idea was not there and the next moment it was there. Just like that.
I got excited about it and I told it to Dana, who is my wife (and now the wife of my twin brother, too). Dana said, “Katy, this is the worst idea you ever had.”
She might have been right. She usually is. But that did not make the idea go away.
The idea grew in my head and it grew and grew some more, and soon it was very specific. And I went back to Dana and I told her about my new, more specific idea. When I finished, Dana said, “I had hoped I heard you wrong the first time. This idea is pure shit.”
And who knows? She could still be right. But that did not make the idea go away.
Next, I talked to a few of my LGBT attorney friends. And we sat in a room with Dana and with my brother Anthony and his husband Aesop (who is now my husband, too). We showed them charts we made and some stories from the news. We cited precedents and dissidents. And then, when we finished showing them things, Dana, Anthony, and Aesop thought about it for a little while. They were in agreement: “This is surely the most rotten, stinking idea anyone ever had ever.”
Still, there I was on Tuesday, getting married to Aesop and becoming a rotten, stinking bigamist.
We had a double wedding once before. The four of us. Two years ago in Vermont. Only that time, I married Dana and Anthony married Aesop. That time, we came back from Vermont and we realized we could not be part of an institution so undermined by our very marriages. I mean, c’mon! Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve and all that jazz.
But Texas would not let us divorce because we have the wrong genitals and Vermont would not let us divorce because of something they call a “residency requirement.”
So now the four of us are bigamists. Truth is, bigamy is not something the authorities worry very much about as a rule. Lots of people commit bigamy, usually by accident, usually because a previous divorce was never finalized when they thought it was.
No one cares unless the bigamist starts flaunting the bigamy by, say, starting a cult compound or inviting the news media to a John-and-Yoko old school “bed-in”: “I am Katy and this is my husband who is also his husband, and this is his wife who is also my wife.”
This gets so confusing that I hardly know who is supposed to be sodomizing whom.
But bigamy is no laughing matter. It hurts the institution of marriage just like gay people hurt the institution of marriage, so hopefully either Texas or Vermont will do something about this Double Bigamy (All the Way) soon.
And when someone finally hauls our rotten, stinking bigamist asses in front of a judge, we will say, “We tried to get divorced! Nobody would let us file.”
Double Bigamy (All the Way) for 55 hours, 15 minutes and counting. How long can they let this go on?
Fifty-five hours and 16 minutes and I am still walking the streets, laughing in their faces.
Fifty five hours and…