Thursday, March 17, 2011

Double Bigamy (All the Way)

I got married on Tuesday.

To a man.

On Tuesday, my wife got married, too. She married my husband’s husband, who also happens to be my twin brother.

Or, put another way: “I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together.”

Even if you cannot keep all of that straight (and I am not sure I can keep all of that straight), you should try and understand this much: For the past 55 hours, I have openly and notoriously lived as a bigamist, daring the authorities to do something about it.

They have not. It might take some more time. I might have to be more open. More notorious. More daring. After all, this is not double super secret bigamy. This is Double Bigamy (All the Way).

It came to me about four months ago. I mean the idea for this. It was like a lightning bolt or the clap. One moment the idea was not there and the next moment it was there. Just like that.

I got excited about it and I told it to Dana, who is my wife (and now the wife of my twin brother, too). Dana said, “Katy, this is the worst idea you ever had.”

She might have been right. She usually is. But that did not make the idea go away.

The idea grew in my head and it grew and grew some more, and soon it was very specific. And I went back to Dana and I told her about my new, more specific idea. When I finished, Dana said, “I had hoped I heard you wrong the first time. This idea is pure shit.”

And who knows? She could still be right. But that did not make the idea go away.

Next, I talked to a few of my LGBT attorney friends. And we sat in a room with Dana and with my brother Anthony and his husband Aesop (who is now my husband, too). We showed them charts we made and some stories from the news. We cited precedents and dissidents. And then, when we finished showing them things, Dana, Anthony, and Aesop thought about it for a little while. They were in agreement: “This is surely the most rotten, stinking idea anyone ever had ever.”

Still, there I was on Tuesday, getting married to Aesop and becoming a rotten, stinking bigamist.

We had a double wedding once before. The four of us. Two years ago in Vermont. Only that time, I married Dana and Anthony married Aesop. That time, we came back from Vermont and we realized we could not be part of an institution so undermined by our very marriages. I mean, c’mon! Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve and all that jazz.

But Texas would not let us divorce because we have the wrong genitals and Vermont would not let us divorce because of something they call a “residency requirement.”

So now the four of us are bigamists. Truth is, bigamy is not something the authorities worry very much about as a rule. Lots of people commit bigamy, usually by accident, usually because a previous divorce was never finalized when they thought it was.

No one cares unless the bigamist starts flaunting the bigamy by, say, starting a cult compound or inviting the news media to a John-and-Yoko old school “bed-in”: “I am Katy and this is my husband who is also his husband, and this is his wife who is also my wife.”

This gets so confusing that I hardly know who is supposed to be sodomizing whom.

But bigamy is no laughing matter. It hurts the institution of marriage just like gay people hurt the institution of marriage, so hopefully either Texas or Vermont will do something about this Double Bigamy (All the Way) soon.

And when someone finally hauls our rotten, stinking bigamist asses in front of a judge, we will say, “We tried to get divorced! Nobody would let us file.”

Double Bigamy (All the Way) for 55 hours, 15 minutes and counting. How long can they let this go on?

Fifty-five hours and 16 minutes and I am still walking the streets, laughing in their faces.

Fifty five hours and…

46 comments:

  1. "But bigamy is no laughing matter."

    it is when you write about it! haha! that was fucking awesome.

    and you make a beautiful, blushing, bigamous bride.

    congratulations ;)

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  2. Fucking brilliant! So.....who do you write down as an emergency contact? Your wife? or your brother who is also now your brother-in-law or your brother in law who is now your husband?

    I don't know, I just know me likes.

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  4. ok, I just needed a moment. Given your hazy legal status in both matters coming and going, rather that a bigamist, I'll think of you as a Fabled Trollop.

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  5. I'll come visit you in jail (unless it's in Vermont. I'm probably not going to Vermont to visit you).

    Shouldn't the four of you be on your honeymoon or something?

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  6. This is absolutely fantastic! Your wife is your sister in law & your husband is your brother in law...

    It's like a new twist on that old song 'I'm My Own Grandpa'!

    Makes the mind spin in absolutely stunning ways!

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  7. I can't wait for the next step, which, CLEARLY, is when you marry a horse.

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  8. Hey. What Apuleius said.

    But really. This is cool. Your statement that the authorities really don't chase bigamy is true. I mentioned this to a friend of mine a couple of years ago; turns out that a fellow in rural Oregon had married three times without divorcing - he wasn't bothered until one of his 'formers' tried to apply for either welfare or Social Security.

    (The IRS doesn't much care if you file returns, either, unless you owe them money - but that's another tale.)

    If you ask, "But Will! You live in urbane Portland! How can this be?" - just remember; Oregon is (1) Portland, and (2) Kentucky; with better weather.

    Oh, well....

    Still. This is cool....

    Congrats; and all.

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  9. This is a brilliant idea. You have achieved the opposite of a family tree with no branches, you now have a family wreath. Well done indeed. I wouldn't worry too much about John Law. They have those idiots on TLC and they seem to dodge arrest. Of course that is Utah and this is Texas...

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  10. My husband and I got married in Vermont also - partially because it's his home state, and partially because it's liberalness makes me a fan of it (as opposed to where we are now... which is a place I despise for it's conservative hypocrisy).

    Good for you. It's such a terrible idea, that it's amazing! I totally support this.

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  11. "...a family tree with no branches, you now have a family wreath."

    Very well said! Sweet.

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  12. Kage: Thank you! I turn everything into a laughing matter when I write, to the point where people can’t tell when I’m being serious.

    Rafa: The really confusing part is going to be those poor children. “This is Uncle Dad and this is my Aunt Dad…” Ugh…

    JerseyDave: “Fabled Trollops in My Soup” was initially going to be the name of this blog, actually. You can laugh, but I am a hardboiled criminal now…

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  13. Apuleius Platonicus: I realized this morning that I have made “I am the Walrus” references in more than one of my blog entries here. There’s nothing wrong with that, it’s just unusual. If I’m going to make pop culture references, then hey, good place to start.

    Dex: Yes, well, you know… Aesop and I are very much in love. That is our official position.

    AbsolutelyPrimed: I almost quoted that song in the blog, but I didn’t know whether anyone would catch the reference… The relationship chart would get a little complicated if any of us died and our estate had to go through probate…

    Kev: Well, we DID have the dog there on Tuesday. Former Senator Rick Santorum seemed to think gay marriage would lead to man/dog marriage. However, we did not bring the dog into our twisted arrangement. Yet.

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  14. Hi, Will! The thing is, I WANT the authorities to take notice. It’s sort of the whole idea. We need to be charged with bigamy in order to use the “Access to the courts” thing as a defense.

    Brent: if they don’t take notice by summer, we’re going to Vermont to turn ourselves in.

    K. Syrah: I feel a little bad about it. All these terrible things going bad in the world and I’m wasting people’s time using the Texas Family Code to make a political point. But everybody has to find their niche.

    JerseyDave: Mom and dad are going to be so proud.

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  15. You and your crew of bigamists are exactly what is wrong with America! Which is why I love you all so much.

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  16. For Texas to prosecute you, they would have to recognize the Vermont marriage. I say run around with BOTH marriage licenses. If ever you get pulled over by the police, confess not to speeding but to bigamy.

    “Officer, I married her, then I married him. That is a felony. Take me away.”

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  17. Christopher: Thank you? I will continue to work hard to reach new levels of depravity and immorality. For you.

    Brent: Yeah, I don’t even think Texas would extradite for this. We’ll find out. But how can ANYONE who loves America, god, and family put up with my flagrant violation of the law and good taste? Somebody needs to stop me.

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  18. "Somebody needs to stop me." Only you can stop polygamy. Look for it on automotive license plates in a state near you.

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  19. Apuleius Platonicus: Your link gives me hope. Now if I only had a facebook page, my plan might come together perfectly…

    JerseyDave: Would the ads feature a crying Indian or some sort of anti-polygamy bear?

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  20. In reference to Apuleius Platonicus' bigamist - can we learn more about his 2001 conviction for "uttering and publishing?" There's at least as much of that on the internet as there is poly-promiscuity.

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  21. JerseyDave: You pick very interesting things to request follow-ups on... We might NEVER know if there is more information available about this dude until someone invents something - we'll call it a "search engine" for lack of a better term - that can scour the interwebs for similar word combinations...

    I bet if someone could create such a theoretical "search engine," they could make several thousand dollars.

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  22. Is that trigamy, actually? Quadrigamy? Incest at one remove?

    Congrats on making me dizzier than I already was. Thanks!

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  23. Good for you! Bigamy is so easy to get away with, it's stunning. I worked with a guy who was married to two women at once. As he told me, over a beer, when you go apply for a marriage license, they simply ask you, "Are you married?" He said, "Nope." So they said, "Cool, here's your marriage license."

    He divorced both of them eventually (without either knowing about the other... he just grew to dislike them both) and no one ever found out.

    Which is sad, really, because with 50% divorce rates, you'd have to feel confident going into 2 marriages that at least 1 would work out...

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  24. Hey there, Bill. I consider blowing the mind of Bill the Butcher – or at least making you dizzy – to be cause for a “Mission Accomplished” banner. This blog has now officially achieved its primary goal.

    A Beer for the Shower: Ha. Wow. Multiple marriages come and go, but being a jerk is forever. Maybe the guy couldn’t put a real effort into either wife since there were two of them. I know had two jobs for a while and couldn’t give either my full attention.

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  25. You can't be Adrianna by any chance! ...Are you??

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  26. Nathan360: What is with the guys I meet around here? Don’t you know it is impolite to ask a lady her name? (or weight… or maybe both)… If you can look carefully at the right side of your screen, you will see that my name is KATY. I swear, it’s as though I’m running a sanitarium around here sometimes…

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  27. oh look, there's an empty bag.. and look at the pretty kitty.

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  28. JerseyDave: I am uncertain as to whether that is code for something. I hope you are not using my blog to sell drugs!

    I hope your clever coded message is about how lesbiansinmysoup.blogspot.com is now lesbiansinmysoup.com .

    How do you say that in Jersey?

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  29. Ha!!! so glad I visited you today. This bad idea of yours is BRILLIANT! I'm on pins and needles here, waiting to read about you in the police blotter, or on the front page of the Post... or perhaps Bill O' will roast you.

    Did you have to establish residency in VT before you were married? Crazy~

    Love having blogger friends that walk, willfully and merrily, on the wild side!

    CONGRATULATIONS

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  30. Green Monkey: No, there's the beauty of the situation. There's no residency requeirment to get married in Vermont, but there IS to get divorced.

    It's been a slow start, though. We have not gone to the media to gloat or anything. Dana and I are finding we're too busy to get arrested, even if it is for a cause of sorts...

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  31. Katy did and does maybe just because
    Write about absurd antiquated clause
    Yet lesbians know all about the flaws
    Just equal protection from our laws!

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  32. Very clever. Go you! (And you and you and you!)

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  33. Give a hoot: I approve of poetic commentary in response to my blogs. You may pass go AND collect $200.

    RunawayLawyer: It’s all fun and games until I end up in the big house.

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  34. Well then
    Dana lands herself in jail
    We strip off her top
    You manage her assets
    I don't want to stop (I mean
    look the way she flaunt it's all eves bigamy beds and lesbians
    c'mon)

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  35. Don't pollute: Hey now. Just because I "let her" marry a guy doesn't mean I want her life turning into a Cinemax women's prison movie. ... Which I mayeb should have considered before doing this bigamy thing, huh? D'oh!

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  36. Never be a dirty birdMarch 28, 2011 at 8:51 PM

    Ha no well was 'playing' strip Monopoly
    don't mind me bigamy's not greasy kid-stuff

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  37. Never be a dirty bird: In college, I once partook in a strip paper/rock/scissors game.

    That was a really proud momnent for me. I'm glad I just typed that admission here to save it for posterity.

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  38. And I thought I was special. I was married my first wife three times with no divorces in between. I also went on three honeymoons with her, but only once when we were married. My Army buddy later married my first wife. My girlfriend and I later met them in Lake Tahoe for their honeymoon, When he divorced my first wife he dated the girl I was with at their honeymoon, He (my Army buddy or Husband in law according to my second wife) then dated a girl I had dated, whose ex husband later married my sister. Said Army buddy them married the girl I dated before I married my second wife. My second wife and I later went on our honeymoon to Monterrey Mexico with my first wife and her new boyfriend.
    When my second wife and I went to see the seven bedroom home my Husband in law had built for his third wife, my second wife told him, "I'm glad you invited us, I wondered where I would be living next." Luckily his third wife didn't catch on.
    He and his third wife later went overseas with me to rescue my third wife from being held hostage by her mother for marrying me. I wouldn't believe it either but as you've outdone me, it seems almost normal.

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  39. Yowserman: Wow. Following that requires a chart. I used to work in an office with Family Law attorneys, and they had come up with a chart to follow successive relationships, biological parents and marriage dates, because otherwise there was often no way to figure out who belonged with whom…

    Life is more complicated than a few relationship headings can ever account for…

    You and your husband-in-law must have similar taste in women… at least for short periods of time.

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  40. I just read that a guy in Virginia was busted for having 4 wives (he should plead insanity). Even though you have managed to perfect the quadratic equation of inter marrying friends and lovers, apparently there is a minimum. You need to find another 3 women to marry. See if that gets anyone's dander up

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  41. @Brent: Hey, Brent!
    Yeah, I've thought about turning my Tumblr page in part into a running news page of stories about bigamy and such, mostly so I can keep track of the stories.
    There was a girl I knew over on Multiply who wanted me to look into polyamory laws for her once.
    I think most of these nontraditional marriage arrangements don't work in the long term - although neither do most traditional marriages of course - but the government looks stupid trying to come down on them... They look stupid, that is, unless women or children are being eploited or abused in the midst of it.

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  42. Maybe put a spot for bigamy news links on your "Bigamists for Perry" page? That seems like as good a place as any. I love randomness of your Tumblr page. It would be a shame to lose it.

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  43. it's nice to know my life isn't the only confusing one out there.

    thank you for helping me feel sane ...

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  44. @Brent: Yeah, I don't know what I'm doing with that site yet, and it looks as though Governor Perry is burning his campaign down faster than I expected.

    @Big a: That's what I'm here for, in the end.
    It's like having fat friends in order to look thin.
    I am the contrast so everyone looks stable and sane.

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