Lost: Something. REWARD!!

craigslist, 11/05/2011

Lost & found

A curious ask: assistance requested for identification/location of unknown item of great subjective value. Substantial financial incentive!

Old Lady Fight!

As you are no doubt aware by now, news of the death of 115-year old Eunice Sanborn last week has understandably sent much of the world into one hell of a desperate tailspin.

Things are looking pretty grim. Not because Eunice is dead – most of us didn’t know her, and even those of us who bought pot from her on occasion all found new sources by Wednesday – but rather because the Gerontology Research Group seems to be having some issues when it comes to naming her successor as “Oldest Fucking Person on the Planet.”

With Eunice gone, we’ve got no leader to show us the way into that good night.

Infamous usurper-thief, Besse Berry Cooper

And sure, you can say the establishment is throwing its weight behind Besse Berry Cooper of Georgia who, at a lousy 114 years old, probably can’t even remember William McKinley’s Presidential campaign. But let me tell you something: Besse won for TWO reasons and two reasons only: 1) the swimsuit competition (everybody knows Besse’s never been afraid of showing a little skin), and 2) the judges’ bias against socialism.

Yes, socialism. I know it’s the year 2011, but stay with me here.

For my money, the oldest human being on the planet right now is Juana Bautista de la Candelaria Rodriguez, who celebrated her 126^th birthday the other day with the traditional “snorting-cocaine-off-an-underage-hooker’s-ass” ritual.   Family members tell me it was extra coky this year.

The problem is that Juana lives in… (drum roll please)… Cuba. This naturally raises questions in some quarters regarding Cuba’s infamous “Age Reallocation Program” – begun by Fidel Castro in 1963 – and whether Juana has ever been a beneficiary.

Legally a kindergartner

And there are Cubans who say she has. Take Havana resident Miguel Prado, for instance. Prado claims he was born in 1947 and was justifiably shocked when his recent attempt to buy beer at a local market failed.

“The man behind the counter told me that I was legally six years old and too young to drink beer,” Prado told the Lesbians in My Soup news team. “When I complained, the man told me that Juana needed the years more than me, and we have to beat the evil imperialist, Besse Berry Cooper.”

Prado was then arrested for school truancy.

Obviously, this isn’t the first time that a socialist Age Reallocation Program – based on the idea of “From each according to his ability, to each according to his need” – has raised international eyebrows. China caused a scandal just last year when the murderer of Ren Jiemei (born in 1937) was released because – under that nation’s Age Reallocation Program – the victim was deemed to be legally a fetus and her death a first-trimester abortion.  

But now, with no clear-cut successor to Eunice Sanborn yet named, things are getting hairier than the upper lip of a female supercenenarian.

On Friday, for instance, skirmishes broke out in Cairo between supporters of Besse Berry Cooper and those who believe Juana Bautista de la Candelaria Rodriguez has the stronger claim to being older than dirt.

Historian Lazarus Long tells Lesbians in My Soup that he sees parallels to the split between the Sunnis and Shia in the Muslim world, where disagreement over the proper line of succession led to a fracturing of the faith and a conflict that has lasted more than a thousand years.

Juana Bautista de la Candelaria Rodriguez does not agree. “I knew Abu Bakr,” she says, referring to the Sunnis’ 7^th century Caliph of Islam. “Abu Bakr was a friend of mine. And neither Besse Berry Cooper nor myself are an Abu Bakr.”

But this is all small consolation for the rest of us right now, as Besse’s lawyer, James Baker III, says it all may end up coming down to Juana’s extremely low-hanging chads.  

I would now like to formally apologize for that last joke. I promise you that next time, I’ll try a lot harder…

This is Katy Anders for “Lesbians in My Soup” news…