Saturday, November 3, 2012

Ode to Tube Socks

You’ve got to get yourself a good pair of tube socks. White cotton, wide stripes, six pairs to a package. Girls can’t resist a girl wearing tube socks. The longer the better. Pull them up past your knees.

Pull ‘em up, pull ‘em up!

Pull them up just as high as they’ll go…

I remember back in junior high, out by the soccer fields. Watching girls run by had me feeling confused. Confused and mesmerized, froze in place like a statue. Could I be a sports fan if I don’t know the rules? I can’t be a sports fan: I don’t care who fuckin’ wins this. Just standing here and watching feels like I’m the one who scored.

I did not understand it then. I sort of understand it now. It’s all about the tube socks, so pull them up and go!

Pull ‘em up, pull ‘em up!

Pull them up just as high as they’ll go…

Okay, a few years later now, I’ve given up those soccer girls. ‘Cause soccer girls are scary; they can crush you in those thighs. But it wasn’t about the soccer girls and it wasn’t about the muscle thighs and it wasn’t about the-
      … um…
         about the…
                it wasn’t…

Hold on... Mental image… Give me a second here… I’ll be just fine…

Whew!

Alright. Alright, I think I’m ready now…

Tube sock icon,
Heather Graham,
in "Boogie Nights"
It wasn’t about the soccer girls and it wasn’t about the muscle thighs. It wasn’t about the jerseys and it wasn’t about the score.

You see that lipstick cannot fix a pig and horses don’t need lingerie, but a plain Jane wears some tube socks and there’s a good chance that she’ll glow.

So pull ‘em up, pull ‘em up!

Pull them up just as high as they’ll go…

They’ll turn the girl next door into a force of nature. 

They’re hotter than high heels and cheaper than a boob job. A good pair of tube socks’ll cure whatever ails. A couple little ragged holes, they ain’t going to hurt you. You can wear them with your shorts on like your grandpa used to do.

A woman’s just a woman but a hot chick’s wearing tube socks. They’re bound to get you laid if they’re cotton, white, with stripes. I’m not one to give fashion tips but I recommend some tube socks. They’re never out of style and they make the girlies drool.

Pull ‘em up, pull ‘em up!

Pull them up just as high as they’ll go…


[WARNING!: This rule only applies to girls. Guys in tube socks? Meh...]


30 comments:

  1. Higher Katy, higher, crush the thigh, just enough.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm doing my best. I need every little advantage I can get.

      Delete
  2. They have a not dissimilar effect on the dudes too.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And yet when dudes wear them, it has a completely different effect.

      I am guessing. I mean, it has a different effect on me.

      I am, admittedly, not the target audience for what guys wear.

      Delete
    2. I'm pretty sure that guys in tube socks has a similar effect on no one, whatever their orientation.

      Delete
    3. My grandfather used to pull his socks way up to his knees, and then his shorts would go almost down to his knees.

      It did not look sexy.

      My mother said he did it because he had worked sheet metal for many years and his legs were all torn up. But it seems like jeans could have covered the scars up nicely...

      Delete
    4. You're right. Women in tube socks seem to become sexier looking as if the socks possessed some kind of magic. Perhaps a genie makes tube socks with a spell that only works on women when he's not trapped in a bottle or lamp or busy granting wishes.

      Delete
    5. The Tube Sock Genie!

      That sounds like a fantastic new character for "Lesbians in My Soup"!

      Delete
    6. Feel free to use it if you wish.

      Delete
    7. It is now Thursday and I have no ideas for a blog for the weekend. I might have to steal whatever idea I can get... Ha!

      Delete
  3. What do you get when you merge a sock puppet and a test tube?

    The Origin of Pippi Longstocking aka Miss Tube Socks

    Pippi's Father was fed up with his inability to obtain a girlfriend.Using his extreme computing skills, the Father hacked into several top secret government mainframes and was able to tap into a source of fiendish power and divert that through a electrode that he'd impale into the sock puppet, which he’d taken from his Grandmother.

    According to a top secret government web site that had live feeds of the activities, the Father apparently thought that the experiment had failed and he preceded to go to bed, but of course, started to flap flap the one eye monk before falling asleep. Although the footage was blue and fuzzy, it appears that the Father inserted his junk into the sock puppet and began going to town. Just as he about to finish his nasty deed, lightening struck the house and the Father was left frazzled.

    But seconds later, the sock puppet began squirming and complaining of sickness. She then up chucked on the floor and began to bitch about being pregnant.

    Exactly one soccer season later Pippi Longstocking aka Miss Tube Socks was born


    forgot to shave those legs?
    Pull ‘em up, pull ‘em up!
    Pull them up just as high as they’ll go…

    Hold on... Mental image… Give me a second here… I’ll be just fine…


    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Pippi Longstockings is a redhead, though, right? Like Raggedy Ann?

      Redheads are not my thing.

      Variations on Frankenstein's monster ARE my thing, though, so well played.

      Delete
  4. Hmmmm.....

    Never gave this any thought.

    It's all lost on me. Never went for the whole schoolgirl-look; not even in school - and when I got older - well, the whole 'schoolgirl-thing' just seemed creepy; the province of dirty old men asking young girls, "Wanna Walnetto?"

    Same with shoes. Women obsess over shoes. 'Specially those mid-three-figure high-heel thingies with the red soles (I forget who makes 'em).

    Women notice each others shoes.

    Men's eyes don't venture that low unless they've checked out everything else - and the only question we ask ourselves mentally when we see a gal who's stuffed her feet into a pair of six-inch heels is this:

    "Wonder if she works the pole?"

    Guys don't notice shoes. Or tube socks. Unless they're creepy....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I started thinking about this blog post after I wrote it (I rarely think about my own blog posts before I write them or as I write them), and I don't think it's a schoolgirl fetish.

      I think it might a thing I have for guy's styles that always look lousy on guys but look decent when worn by women.

      But I never know why I write these damn things.

      Delete
  5. I don't know about this being limited to ladies. Dudes in tube socks must conjure up some sort of soccer or rugby fetish in someone. Tube socks are just universally sexy. Ladies, dudes, hermaphrodites, eunuchs, it's all good. Just pull up them tubes...providing those socks have two or more stripes near the top. No stripes, no sexy.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And here I would have thought that a blogger shaped like a pickle might have a fear of tube socks. They seem like a potential hazard for you...

      I don't care, though. Your comments always lull me into believing I might not be crazy.

      It's not me: It IS everyone else, after all!

      Delete
  6. Tube socks and the pony tail pulled through the back of a base ball cap. Now you are talking sexy. By the way, just say NO to boob jobs. Why ruin a perfectly good pair of breasts with artificial fillers?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I will give you an EXCELLENT reason to say yes to boob jobs: It provides an excuse for every health problem you have from there on out.

      My grandfather was once on a jury in a boob job lawsuit. One of the plaintiffs was adamant that the tip of her tongue was numb and she couldn't learn how to golf BECAUSE of the side effects of the boob job.

      I tried to do a cause and effect on that, and here is what I came up with:

      Before boob job: No boyfriends.
      After boob jobs: Lots of boyfriends = lots of sexy action = numb tongue.
      Please proceed to lawsuit!

      Delete
    2. The boob bone is connected to the tongue bone? I am going to have to puzzle this one out a little longer. That someone would file and over inflated law suit, not at all surprising.

      Delete
    3. If it gives you an excuse to think about breasts, then I have made the earth a little better place...

      Delete
    4. Thank you Katy. Your work here is done.

      Delete
    5. Hope so.

      This post got my site labeled as "pornographic or sexually-explicit" by the Disqus comment application - meaning I can't link to it on my Disqus profile.

      So I'm officially offensive now! Woohoo!

      Delete
    6. THIS post was labeled as porno!!?? That is funny

      Delete
    7. I don't know whether it was this post, although it was the post at the top at the time.

      The SITE was labeled as "pornographic or sexually explicit."

      It might have been the domain name that did it. I mean, the idea of sodomites in soup... What the HELL are they DOING in there?

      Delete
  7. Sure, NOW you tell me that guys can't wear them. I already have mine on, I already pulled them up way too high, and unless someone extracts me from these post haste, I think I'm going to lose my genitalia which are severely stuck. Help?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh no!

      This might go a ways towards explaining why you are currently losing an election to a goat, though.

      The goat has managed to successfully put on a shoe... a tube sock could be next, and then what are you going to do?

      Delete
  8. This is totally tubular dudette!

    BTW - got a pair of penny loafers for next weeks Sock Hop.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I now have the American Bandstand theme song stuck in my head...

      Delete
  9. Katy. I don't really have anything to say about tube socks other than to say:

    "Hey One-percenters... How's THAT ass taste?"

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If Mitt had trotted Ann out in tube socks, the result would have been very different.

      Delete

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