Sunday, May 5, 2013

Anything Could Happen (Part 2)

Read Part 1 first, silly…

We were at a party because of how a dart landed. Doctor Belloq, having just returned from a country that outlaws alcohol(!), was making up for lost time. Quickly. With tequila. It was not long before she was in this sort of condition:  

And me, well, I called tails, which meant I’d be staying sober.

When my date could no longer stand upright, a friend and I removed her to a couch upstairs, where we paid somebody twenty bucks to guard her against potential rapists. Honestly, I don’t know how we decided the guard wasn’t himself a potential rapist, but we did, and it turned out for the best.

Please don’t ever mention that part to Doctor Belloq.

So I was still at this party, and it was still because of how that dart landed, only it wasn’t really a date anymore. And since it wasn’t really a date anymore, I felt I was freed up to go outside and, you know, smoke a cigar, which is something I would never do on a date.

I fished a cheap skinny cigar out of my pocket and worked at getting it out of its wrapper.

I slipped outside…

                        …started lighting my cigar…
                                                …and slammed directly into my brother, Anthony.

It was the first time I’d seen him since August! It was August, you see, when he stole my wife, and that had really cut down on the family get-togethers.

Anthony looked at me. He looked at my cigar. He wrinkled up his nose and he said, “You smoke?”

I exhaled and shrugged. I said the obvious: “You steal people’s wives?”

Then I flipped a coin to determine what would happen next. If it had been heads, I would have gone back inside right there and then.

It was tails.

We were in Dave’s back yard and it was cold and we could hardly see, but somehow we found a couple lawn chairs and we sat down and started to talk.

We went on talking for a long time. I cried a lot, which is something I do not normally do, but all that talking made me realize how much I had missed him. I missed my brother. I missed my kids. I missed my wife.

Things were sort of a mess, but still, it was a good talk. A valuable talk. We talked about all sorts of amazing things, the way we should have talked years ago. Someday, I’ll tell you more about it.

At some point, I started fading off to sleep.

I heard Anthony say, “She really, really, really hates you, you know.” “She”  being Dana, of course, who used to be my wife, and still was, in a few states. Still is, even.

I mumbled, “Three reallys deep, huh?”

Anthony said, “Actually, adding a few more wouldn’t have been overselling it…. Really, really, really hates you.”

Then he said, “She’s inside somewhere, you know. At the party.”

Did you ever see that movie, Pulp Fiction? The part where they stab Uma Thurman in the heart with a syringe full of adrenaline? In my head, that’s how I picture what happened to me when Anthony said Dana was inside.

I leapt up. “Sh-she-she’s here? Right now?”

It was dark and I could not see Anthony. His voice came at me from somewhere, though. It said, “Yeah. She wasn’t feeling well, so she was going to go-”

“-upstairs?!”  I interrupted him, pointing back frantically at the house. “Upstairs to the big couch?”

Anthony’s voice again: “Uh huh…”

I started running back to the house. I said, “Upstairs with my… With my, um…” – Grandpa’s word for it was the only one that came to mind – “…lady friend?”

I must have made a lot of noise coming in the back door, because by the time I got to the top of the stairs, Doctor Belloq was there to block me, looking remarkably sober. Dana was way behind her, still sitting on the couch. The guard I’d paid (that bastard!) was nowhere to be seen.

I sputtered and I pointed a lot.

Doctor Belloq said, “No. Get the fuck out of here, Katy.”

She said, “Go down to the van and call your lawyer. Wake her up and tell her to start the paperwork.”

She looked back at Dana and whispered to me, “I’m five minutes away from getting you your kids back.”

I reached into my pocket and pulled out a coin to flip. Heads, I go to the van. Tails I cause a scene.

I went out to the van.



  1. Good on you for having the bravery to have that talk and not claw your brother's face off. Not sure what types of hideously justified violence I would be compelled to commit were I to be in your shoes and it was my sister...but then again, you obviously have some warm fuzzy feelings for your sibling that I killed years ago for my own.

    Also, if I were Freud, I'd probably have something to say about leaving a passed-out date and immediately going to smoke a cigar. But I'm not, so I won't.

    1. He's my TWIN brother, and we don't really have any other family (or at least i don't, now that he's got my former family living with him!).

      So there's supposed to be a bond there, you know?

      It's sort of complicated, I guess, and I don't do complicated very well.

  2. Replies
    1. Haha... I broke it up into bite-sized portions so it would be easier to read.

      Six pages is a lot for somebody to read online!

  3. You must finish this today! I can't wait!

    1. Thank you... Your comment is more true than you realize.

      I am notorious for writing a "Part 1" and never getting around to writing "Part 2."

      If I don't finish this in the next few days, then there is a good chance that either:

      a) Part 3 will never get written; or
      b) Part 3 will not have anything to do with Parts 1 and 2.

    2. I suppose you're trying to discourage from sitting around waiting with baited breath, but I'm going to do it anyway.

    3. Regardless of your breath, I think I'm going to manage to wrap this u tomorrow night.

      Three posts in the same week is pretty much a record for me.

      The word "prolific" springs to mind...

  4. The only way this could get more complicated would be if you fucked your brother just to get back at Dana. I'm not suggesting you do any such thing, or even that you flip a coin over it. I'm just sayin'. But if you ever turn this into a screenplay, though, I'd totally say you should consider that as a plot twist. And thank the Gods for Dr. Belloq. Holy fucking shit - she sure as hell came back at just the right time.

    1. Belloq is a like a force of nature.

      If this DID end up as a movie, the only person who could play Belloq would be... Well, Belloq.

      As far as the brother thing goes... Since being gay isn't very edgy anymore, I might not have a choice if I want my sex life to continue being offensive to the masses.

    2. That last bit is brilliant. At first the idea occurs to you purely as a way to stab Dana, metaphorically, through the heart. But then you see the Big Picture. You realize that something has been missing from your life since mere lesbianism changed from being a Crime Against Nature to being What All The Cool Kids Are Doing Now. And you realize that your choices for being Truly Offensive To The Masses are dwindling rapidly. So what will it be: bestiality, a shooting rampage, child-molesting, join al-quaeda, star in your own reality tv show, or make like the Egyptians with your twin brother.

    3. Haha... It's important to stay one step in front of the crowd... or else WAY behind.

  5. I was going to wait until Part 3 to comment, but here I am. What the hell happened?

    Also, you handled things like a champ. I don't think I could remain that composed. Then again, I think it's an automatic rule that if you're holding a cigar, you're cool and composed.

    Oh, and that's why I don't have a brother. I bet that bastard would totally try to steal my wife from me. Good thing I absorbed him in utero. Or maybe... he absorbed me? (cue suspenseful music)

    1. That IS creepy. You are actually your brother, only he has been pretending to be you all of these years.... Writing your books, sleeping with your woman, etc.

      What a sneaky bastard.

  6. YES!!! I need more. Please continue. please hurry.

    1. Haha... I'm going to sit back down with it tonight.

      I just feel bad posting a piece that is too long all at once. I know that I don't normally read pieces online if they too long. Fortunately, there are people out there who are better readers than me...

  7. OMG...OMG...OMG...first of all, thank you for all the links. I've been writing but not reading a whole lot as of late and it was wonderful to catch up! So many stories! And a new installment, like really soon, because I am dying to know what comes next!

    1. Hi, Melanie. I've been terrible about keeping up with even some of my favorite blogs. Plus, some of my favorite bloggers appear to have dropped off the face of the earth.

      I'm ALWAYS dying to know what happens to me next, and supposedly, I'm the one experiencing it.

  8. What a powerful story! I can't wait to read the rest of it.

    1. Thanks, Biblio. I wrote it quickly, but it turned out okay. Which ahsn't happened much recently...

  9. DAMN you like to make us wait. This is amazing and unbelievably wonderful. ANd I totally just started the blog at part one of this, and I'm totally caught up in the drama.

    1. My life is pretty screwed up at times, so I rarely have to look too far for material...

    2. I really want to know how you got your kids back!!

    3. Only took me four days to follow up on this one!

  10. I think you tell a story pretty fucking well.

    1. Thank you! I follow one rule that I learned from Elmore Leonard: I leave out the parts that I would skip as a reader.

      In practice, it means I am not much of a writer, but I'm readable!

    2. Well I agree you're readable, but you're also an excellent writer. I love your style and your voice is strong and real. I like real.


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