Friday, December 20, 2013

Saint Athanasius... On Sainthood

(Translated from the original Syriac manuscript)

1The true saint holds on to no desire for hydration.  Although water shall be offered, the true saint goes without, for the Lord satisfies all needs through ambient humidity.

2Blessed be the one who knows this and blessed be the one who lurks silently in the corner of the cage, disinterested, grooming fangs and pedipalps, oblivious to the giant fingertips that shove bottle caps of water up to the door, day after day after day.

3The giant fingertips shall smell of jalapeño peppers, of Sharpie markers, and of sin. The true saint shall not be tempted, for the true saint hath no olfactory sense organs with which to smell. The Lord is great, and provides all that is needed and nothing more.  

4And when the desire to partake in water arises, the true saint recalls that even I, Saint Athanasius, many-legged servant of God, was tempted and indulged in the drinking of water in my youth, many molts past. Now, in my sainthood, I overturn their bottle caps and leave them in a pile, like Jesus did overturn tables of the moneylenders, saying, My house will be called a house of prayer, but you are turning it in to a bandit’s den (Matthew 21:12-17).

5The true saint holds on to no desire for nutrition. Though food comes in the night, crying chirrup! chirrup! eat us! eat us!  and yet you shall not hear it, for the true saint hath no auditory sense organs with which to hear. The Lord is great, and provides all that is needed and nothing more.

6Let us always be on guard against these temptations, for their antennae persist in poking at your leg hairs, and with but a tiny nibble and a simple twist of the web, the kingdom of heaven can be lost to you forever. Therefore, you shall cast the food out of the cage as if it were so many heretics.

7For as Jesus himself did fast for forty days in the desert, cannot the rest of us – far greater sinners that we are – fast for fifty, sixty, even seventy? I, Saint Athanasius, many-legged servant of God, have fasted as many as eighty days and eighty nights without suffering ill effects, for my God will fulfill all your needs out of the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus (Philippians 4:19-20), as well as, of course, through the aforementioned ambient humidity.

8The true saint holds no desire for social interaction. Although the giant devil of the smelly fingertips shall dance, and she shall tap at the glass of your cage and attempt to engage you, yet still shall you lurk silently in the corner, disinterested, grooming fangs and pedipalps, oblivious.

9The giant devil shall insult you, comparing thee to “just basically a pet rock with fangs and legs,  yet you shall pay no notice of this, for the true saint hath no auditory sense organs with which to hear. The Lord is great, and provides all that is needed and nothing more.  

10Verily, you shall hardly even notice the giant devil, for the true saint’s eight eyes are blind to all but most basic darkness and light. The Lord is great, etc., etc.

11And though the true saint shall cause the giant devil no end of frustration and concern, yet the giant devil shall keep the true saint near, offering yet more water and more food and more social interaction, as well as endlessly redecorating the cage in ways that the true saint shall never ever ever  notice.

New Life.
12The true saint shall shed his old life like so much old skin, hair, stomach and lung lining, fangs, and eyes. Following the simple rules which I, Saint Athanasius, many-legged servant of God, have laid out here in full, the true saint shall be born anew. Except a man be born again, he shall not see the kingdom of God (John 3-4).

13I have gone before you to do these things so that you might see them rendered possible. For the true saint, when he has stilled all desire but for the desire for the Lord Himself, then he too shall have become perfect vessel, a true Spider of God.

14Glory be to the Father and to the Son and to the Holy Spirit. As it was in the beginning, is now, and will be forever. Amen. 


  1. Testament of Saint Athanasius

    One should be kind to a fainting friend,
    But you accuse me without any fear of the Almighty.
    My Keeper, you have proved as reliable as a seasonal brook
    that overflows its banks in the spring
    when it is swollen with ice and melting snow.
    But when the hot weather arrives, the water disappears.
    The brook vanishes in the heat.

    You have seen my calamity, and you are afraid.
    But why? Have I ever asked you for a gift?
    Have I begged for anything of yours for myself?
    Have I asked you to rescue me from my enemies,
    or to save me from ruthless people?
    Teach me, and I will keep quiet.
    Show me what I have done wrong.
    Honest words can be painful,
    but what do your criticisms amount to?
    Do you think your words are convincing
    when you disregard my cry of desperation?

    1. That seems really relevant, oddly enough. But Saint Athanasius wrote THAT back when he was a HE, only had two legs, and lived in Alexandria.

      Now, he is a SHE and has eight legs and lives in my house.

    2. doing an Alice cooper thing - along came a spider

      Punish me everyday
      But I'll never break
      Hold on to all your fears
      'Cause when I get outta here

      Vengeance is mine
      Vengeance is mine, mine, mine
      To forgive is divine
      But vengeance is mine, mine, mine

    3. I only know a couple Alice Cooper songs.... Three, now that I give it some thought. "School's Out," "No More Mr. Nice Guy," and "Poison." He got inducted into the Rock 'N Roll Hall of Fame a couple years back, same time as Tom Waits and Dr. John.

      This year, Peter Gabriel is getting in, which should mean I am required to take back all of those horrible tings I've said about the hall. But I won't.

    4. BTW - I am thinking this is one of your better blogs. You should promote this blog with bits and pieces from your Sober blog. ie " It’s like they always say: A watched tarantula never molts. Or maybe they do not say that. But if they don’t say it, they ought to start."

      if you want help promoting this stuff, let me know...

      Big Christmas plans with the kids this year. Going to play in Pattaya this year! My kind of Christmas!

      Huge issue this week. Kate Moss leads Goodstuff's special twisted Christmas issue. For a special lagniappe, I have include some stimulating stuff...



    5. I like this one, so I'm glad you noticed.

      I can write this stuff, but I don;t have the foggiest clue as to how to push it.

      Merry Christmas...

  2. Are you casting yourself as the devil here? It seems oddly pompous. My self loathing would prevent me from going higher than "demon", a henchman, neigh, a flunky of the devil.

    1. Yes, I was a bit surprised by that when I started translating it. I had to keep checking to make sure that was right, but... that's the word the tarantula used and who am I to question it? I mean, i suppose that if my entire worldview came from one tiny corner of one tiny plastic cage, I might think the biggest thing around was a god, too.

  3. Well it's good to know Saint Athanasius isn't just a saint by name.

    1. Of course not! "Saint" is a formal title, and I wouldn't just add it to a name willy skelter.

  4. Katy. Why do I find it so very sexy when you make Biblical recitations? Has to be something about unattainable women and the new batch of mushroom juice that arrived in my Xmas package from back to Texas. Since I think most of the Bible was written under the influence, it might be thereunder explained.

    Hope yours is a Happy Holliday.

    1. I'm glad you commented, because you are tied to this post in a way you don't know.

      The picture of Saint Athanasius at the top of the post was taken when i tried to take a picture of her crawling across your book. I was going to lift her out of the cage, set her on your book and claim that she LOVED it.

      Unfortunately, she got mad, reared up in a very aggressive pose, and ended up biting me for the first time.

      The resulting picture is my favorite of her.

    2. Katy. A-hah! I can now claim that my book is good for the bottom of a bird cage and also for lining spider Saints' hidey holes.

      And please tell A Beer that fasting and molting ARE men's anus issues.

    3. You can definitely say that. I have honestly never seen Saint Athanasius get so riled up. She didn't want anywhere near that book.

  5. I can't help but feel that if that Duck Dynasty guy they keep talking about had only read the Book of Saint Athanasius we wouldn't be having all this controversy. This issue is not about men's anuses. It is about fasting and molting.

    1. That's because people spend too much time listening to reality star/hunting product entrepreneurs and not enough time listening to spiders. I can't even remember the last time GQ interviewed a spider. It's probably because their 1989 interview with the brown recluse went so badly.

  6. If yesterday's encounter with a spider was told in this same way, I'd be cast as a cowardly god. "The Lord sought to smite me, but with the aid of the supernatural, I was able to evade the unforeseen attempt on my feable life, jump on his hand, and assume dominance over Him. Since then, this 'god' hasn't shown his face in my domain."

    1. That sounds like an exciting spider - or else you are just a huge wimp.

      Tarantulas aren't nearly so exciting. When my kids are here, they are thrilled if the tarantula turns around. In a day.

  7. I think your spider and my cats would get along famously. Well, until one of my cats tried to lick your spider (they are big time lickers) at which point things would probably go south pretty fast.

    1. Yeah, cats sort of do things on their own timeline, too, don't they?

      It's like the old joke; Dogs see a person who feeds and cares for them and figure it means that person is God. Cats see a person who feeds and cares for them and figures it means the cat is God.

      When there were cats at my house, they pretty much ignored the spider. Thankfully.

  8. If I didn't say it already- Merry Christmas to you and everyone close to you today. I wish you the best Katy.

  9. Thank you, and Merry Christmas to you, too!

    2014 is going to be really fantastic...


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