(Translated from the original Syriac manuscript)
1The true saint holds on to no desire for hydration. Although water shall be offered, the true saint goes without, for the Lord satisfies all needs through ambient humidity.
2Blessed be the one who knows this and blessed be the one who lurks silently in the corner of the cage, disinterested, grooming fangs and pedipalps, oblivious to the giant fingertips that shove bottle caps of water up to the door, day after day after day.
3The giant fingertips shall smell of jalapeño peppers, of Sharpie markers, and of sin. The true saint shall not be tempted, for the true saint hath no olfactory sense organs with which to smell. The Lord is great, and provides all that is needed and nothing more.
4And when the desire to partake in water arises, the true saint recalls that even I, Saint Athanasius, many-legged servant of God, was tempted and indulged in the drinking of water in my youth, many molts past. Now, in my sainthood, I overturn their bottle caps and leave them in a pile, like Jesus did overturn tables of the moneylenders, saying, My house will be called a house of prayer, but you are turning it in to a bandit’s den (Matthew 21:12-17).
5The true saint holds on to no desire for nutrition. Though food comes in the night, crying chirrup! chirrup! eat us! eat us! and yet you shall not hear it, for the true saint hath no auditory sense organs with which to hear. The Lord is great, and provides all that is needed and nothing more.
6Let us always be on guard against these temptations, for their antennae persist in poking at your leg hairs, and with but a tiny nibble and a simple twist of the web, the kingdom of heaven can be lost to you forever. Therefore, you shall cast the food out of the cage as if it were so many heretics.
7For as Jesus himself did fast for forty days in the desert, cannot the rest of us – far greater sinners that we are – fast for fifty, sixty, even seventy? I, Saint Athanasius, many-legged servant of God, have fasted as many as eighty days and eighty nights without suffering ill effects, for my God will fulfill all your needs out of the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus (Philippians 4:19-20), as well as, of course, through the aforementioned ambient humidity.
8The true saint holds no desire for social interaction. Although the giant devil of the smelly fingertips shall dance, and she shall tap at the glass of your cage and attempt to engage you, yet still shall you lurk silently in the corner, disinterested, grooming fangs and pedipalps, oblivious.
9The giant devil shall insult you, comparing thee to “just basically a pet rock with fangs and legs,” yet you shall pay no notice of this, for the true saint hath no auditory sense organs with which to hear. The Lord is great, and provides all that is needed and nothing more.
10Verily, you shall hardly even notice the giant devil, for the true saint’s eight eyes are blind to all but most basic darkness and light. The Lord is great, etc., etc.
11And though the true saint shall cause the giant devil no end of frustration and concern, yet the giant devil shall keep the true saint near, offering yet more water and more food and more social interaction, as well as endlessly redecorating the cage in ways that the true saint shall never ever ever notice.
12The true saint shall shed his old life like so much old skin, hair, stomach and lung lining, fangs, and eyes. Following the simple rules which I, Saint Athanasius, many-legged servant of God, have laid out here in full, the true saint shall be born anew. Except a man be born again, he shall not see the kingdom of God (John 3-4).
13I have gone before you to do these things so that you might see them rendered possible. For the true saint, when he has stilled all desire but for the desire for the Lord Himself, then he too shall have become perfect vessel, a true Spider of God.
14Glory be to the Father and to the Son and to the Holy Spirit. As it was in the beginning, is now, and will be forever. Amen.