Saturday, October 20, 2012

James Bond Gave You Herpes

This is the second entry in my blog series, “The Weird Girl’s Guide to (Not) Having Sex.”

I hope that you like it!

On the television, sex is shorthand for emotional connection.

Five, ten minutes into an episode, boy meets girl. Now, there is no time for these two crazy kids to get to know one another. No, no. There’s much to do and only about forty-two minutes in which to do it!

So before we are even sure why, really, the boy and the girl are off and running. They are running away from the designated bad guy or they are running towards the designated bad guy. Or, if the writer of this television program is unusually clever, they are kind of alternating back and forth, first running from and then running towards the bad guy. Sometimes, maybe the boy or the girl – who, you will remember, have only just now met one another – even begin to wonder whether the person they are running with is in league with the person they are running from.

Suspense! Do not touch that dial.

But at some point – and I am estimating it will be roughly thirty minutes in – the thrill of the chase will overwhelm this boy and overwhelm this girl and practically force the two of them into each other’s arms. Passionately. This can only take one form: They will have to have sex.

This sex will occur on a queen-sized bed with white sheets. Maybe inside of a hotel room. A lamp atop a nightstand on the far side of the bed will be left on, so that you and I, from where we are sitting, well, we will see this boy and this girl in silhouette. And the boy will be on top of the girl and the bed sheet will be covering him all of the way up to the middle of his back.

Same room. Post-coital. That means “after the sexing”. The girl is smiling now because – we adults are to understand implicitly – she has just experienced one or maybe two or maybe even three orgasms thanks to this boy who makes love in the missionary position with a sheet covering his rear and the bedside lamp left on. Whether it is one or two or maybe even three orgasms, they leave that part up to the lurid imaginations of people like you and me. I say three.

But the girl is definitely smiling, and these two kids, well, they are entirely at ease in each other’s presence. They’ve let their guards down. In fact, they are exchanging stories about their respective childhoods right this very instant. You know, the stuff they have never told another soul ever.

After the sexing, there is an unbreakable and meaningful emotional bond formed between the boy and girl. He will take a bullet for her. If the bad guy should – heaven forbid! – murder the girl in cold blood, the boy will go as far the ends of the earth and even beyond, maybe through multiple episodes or multiple movies, all in order to exact his revenge.

And the whole time he is seeking revenge for the girl’s death, the boy will be thinking back to that one afternoon. The one in the hotel room with the queen-sized bed and the white sheets and the lamp on the nightstand.

And that, dear friends, is what sex is.

That is what sex does.

Don’t believe me? Go ahead and turn on your television right now. You will see that I am right about this.

See? Immediate, meaningful, and unbreakable emotional connection!

What is more, it’s immediate, meaningful, and unbreakable emotional connection… and absolutely no herpes anywhere.

If we can get serious and talk numbers for a moment... I have been reading, and it seems our so-called “scientists” – being the over-educated elitist conspirators that they are – would have us believe that one in two American adults has oral herpes. That means herpes in our mouth. They would have us believe that about one in four American adults has genital herpes. That means herpes on our junk.

They would also have us believe that your oral herpes can quickly become my oral herpes if we so much as swap spit. My oral herpes can quickly become your genital herpes if I touch your junk with my mouth.

But me? I know better. I know better than those over-educated elitist scientists because I watch television and I have seen James Bond movies. If our scientists were telling us the truth, then statistically speaking, Double-Oh-Seven should have been walking and talking a little funny before he even got halfway through ‘From Russia with Love’  (1963).

Double-Oh-Seven has sex in space and he has sex under water and he even has sex on a boat on the Riviera, and everybody knows there is no room for a condom – let alone a dental dam! – in a SCUBA suit.

I have never heard Pierce Brosnan, while he is having his tuxedo removed by some Russian chanteuse – utter, “Darling, before we do this, I am obligated by law to tell you that I am infected with several manageable but incurable sexually transmitted diseases, thanks mostly to things Roger Moore did during the second half of the awful ‘A View to a Kill’ (1985).”

I mean, you tell me. Is it simply that I missed that part of the movie?


I have been sitting here and I have been watching and I have been paying close attention, so close it is practically whispering in my ear. What it is whispering is this: “Sex equals meaningful emotional connection. IF sex, THEN meaningful emotional connection. IF no sex, THEN no meaningful emotional connection.”

But me, I am not having sex. Not now, not an hour from now, and probably not at this time next week. And while I can safely assume that this means I do not have a meaningful emotional connection to any other soul in the whole wide world, I do not know whether it also means that I have herpes.

I mean, one in two, they say! One in four, they say!

Judging from the television, it could just be that I fall into that class of sexless characters known as The Terminally Ugly, who would all be James Bond-ing it across the globe if only they weren’t so… terminally ugly.

So which is it? Which is keeping you and keeping me from finding our own meaningful emotional connection?

Herpes or Terminal Ugliness?

Terminal Ugliness or herpes?

This was “The Weird Girl’s Guide to (Not) Having Sex, Part 2”  and I have to go now. I think there’s something good on the television. 
In the world of James Bond, even
the Terminally Ugly get pussy. 


  1. It's true! It's true! I read it in the newspaper, James Bond movies and Facebook are the leading cause of the outbreak of COOTIES!

    Cooties come in 2 strains girls cooties and boys cooties. To prevent from contracting cooties avoid the opposite sex. If you have been in contact with the opposite sex get treatment immediately! Girls can spin in a circle and scream "NO COOTIES! NO COOTIES!" until the cooties fly off. For boys, a shot is usually necessary in the form of a punch in the shoulder from a trusted friend. Be warned, cootie catchers are not approved and have not shown to be effective

    If you are a boy and feel you have contracted cooties, please contact The He Man Woman Haters at 1-800-NO-GIRLS ask for Spanky

    BY THE WAY - I am so ugly... My birth certificates is an apology letter from the condom factory

    1. James... James Bond Jr

      thanks, needed motivation to rebuild my oo7 blogs - will link to this blog

    2. You could be right. I must fess up to not knowing a damn thing about boy cooties.

      I was fortunate (or unfortunate) enough to always be in the locker room I was most interested in getting into...

    3. Lots of K00L James Bond stuff!

    4. You'll probably get a bunch of page views off that one. Since yesterday when I posted this blog post, I have learned there's a new James Bond film coming out...

      This has happened before - I did a post called "Born This Way" a couple weeks before Lady Gaga's song of the same name was released - and it always leads to the post turning up in folks' Google searches.

      Which is fine, I guess. I like readers.

      Sort of wish a few of those strangers would say hi or tell me what they thought of what they read, though!

    5. strangers...

      yeah, getting lots of hits but no comments. You see, Blogger has a social disease, COOTIES!

    6. Those poor Ukrainians (and occasional Greeks) WANT to comment on your cool blog, I'm sure.

      They just don't know the right words.

      I get 400 hits a week from Ukraine. All on a blog post from last February. They REALLY like that post!

  2. Nor does anyone get knocked up. Just think, our heroic pair is photogenically running through a field of waving grain towards the camera, the villain at their heels, when the girl says, "Oh, by the way, I just missed a period."

    Oh, wait. That happens in old Bollywood movies. In Bollywood movies made before the 1990s, you absolutely cannot have premarital sex, even once, without getting pregnant.

    1. Interesting.

      You know, there is the truism in any movie made before about 10 years ago that if a major character is gay and has gay sex, he or she will DIE.

      It might be a morality play. It might be the idea that gay sex is so "edgy" that the character can't possibly live.

      Presumably, the Bollywood rule might be a morality thing, too.

  3. I feared I had herpes after Strawberry left, but it turned out to be a nasty fungal infection that I was able to cure with some Lotrimin AF. It scared me, though. I think the secret to never getting herpes is to carry a Walther PPK in your shoulder holster.

    1. Well, the BEST way to avoiding herpes is to keep your wet parts away from other folks' wet parts.

      I had a great uncle who would get herpes outbreaks on his eyes when he was stressed out.

      Never thought to much about how that might have happened.

    2. If I had any sense I would have kept my wet parts away from hers, but at my age, companionship does strange things to you. Companionship can replace love in your twilight years but it seems to have a similar effect on men's thought processes. Men have a design flaw anyway. When the blood rushes down to our nether regions there isn't enough blood for the brain to respond correctly.

    3. Yeah. What I see a lot is people who are so desperate for companionship that they sort of... THINK they see something that isn't there in the other person.

      Later on, they are surprised to learn that they have been living with someone they didn't know.

      Or else, okay, I think that might have happened to me...

  4. Replies
    1. Haha... Thanks, Rupert. I try to include a nice mix of highbrow and lowbrow jokes in all of my posts...

    2. Katy. I am sad to say that our parallel research projects on not having sex continue their parallel scientific findings. I'm finding myself far less introspective than you and reducing, rather than refining, my next sexing partner parameters.

      As a woman, you have the option of using careful though and introspections when evaluating both your drives and desires--what in my papers I call the "D-and-D's".

      I, on the other hand, have a fully developed male pecker-the carbon-based equivilant of a cattle prod. Any attempts by me to impart the wisdom of the D-and-D's becomes quickly over-ridden by said pecker's proddings.

      Ugh, and alas, our biologies aside, I wish you liked boys and we could merge our sciences. Or what if I had a sex change?

      (Note to research: Subject M. Johnson showing distinct indications of irrational reasoning. Tactile stimulations prescribed.)

    3. Hey, Mooner. Sorry to hear that!

      I have not operated out of a room with a television since... since... junior high, I guess. So now there is a television in the room where I read and write, and it is having an effect on my writing.

      I want to write about sex and I check the television for what it has to say on the subject.

      So far, the television tells me that none of my questions even make any sense.

      I will trudge onward, though.

      The truth is out there!

  5. There are lies, damn lies and statistics. I put the sex research into the latter. Lovely bit of prose and fitting for Bonds 50th anniversary

    1. Thank you, Brent!

      50 years, huh? It's probably lucky that science has come up with so many E.D. pills or else "Skyfall" would be a little light on the lady-wooing.

    2. Skyfall sounds much better than Flacid Spy. I think they ran out of dirty titles with Octopussy although Dr. Goodhead in Moonraker works as a character name to make middle school boys giggle.

      Not kidding, a viagra commercial is running in the background as I type.

    3. There's a Viagra commercial that uses Howlin' Wolf's "Smokestack Lightning" in the background. It's the one where the guy is driving a Mustang through the desert at dusk.

      It always cracks me up for some reason. I love "Smokestack Lightning"... and I always try and figure out how "howling wolf" or "smokestack lightning" might have been chosen their metaphorical connection in the viewer's brains with erectile issues.

    4. None of that sequence makes sense. Should he not be driving his wild mustang (top down convertible to indicate no protection) into a dark tunnel with shrubbery growing on the outside? If he was lucky the vegetation would only grow vertically from the top of the tunnel entrance. Driving hard into the desert is just uncomfortable for everyone. Does driving into the desert alone at night indicate Viagra works for self abuse too? What are they telling us Katy??? I am so confused

      At least they picked good music.

    5. Still makes more sense than the two separate bath tubs in the Cialis commercials...

  6. I always love a post that works in "dental dam" somehow. The reason you don't see the protection talk in a Bond movie is that it's one of his gadgets. They cut this part out, but Q always gives him a Binaca (do they still make that) bottle size spray that acts as a deodorizer/liquid condom. The deodorizer part stings a bit, but after all the running around he does in non-breathable suits, something needs to be done about that swamp crotch.
    There's a perfectly reasonable explanation. You just have to sit through 75 hours of DVD extras to get to it.
    Other explanations:
    They replace 007's after they succumb to whatever STD.
    All Bonds are secretly eunuchs and just like to cuddle.
    Super lazy writing.

    Oh, and the number of orgasms they don't show in any action movie = 1. The guy squirts and the girl is left to deal with disappointment, paranoia, and a bit of shame.

    1. These are some great hypotheses!

      What is it that they do with Dr. Who Time Lords I've never actually seen the show, but they regenerate him or something, don't they? Maybe they do the same thing with 007s...

      While I was prepping this blog post, I found a chart that shows how many women, drinks, and kills James Bond has in each Bond film. Looking at how much he drinks, it occurs to me that when we think of MOST men getting drunk and getting laid on a night when someone ends up dead, it's not some romantic fantasy where the guy is wearing a tuxedo.

      I'm not going to take Bond seriously until he does his drinking and womanizing while wearing a wifebeater shirt in a trailer park...

  7. Nevermind the false-sex-o, I am consistently baffled by the lady-stars always running in high heeled shoes. I broke like 3 foot bones and sprained my ankle that way once AND I was not bedding down a secret spy with a penchant for alcoholism either. Somethings amiss.

    1. Running! Jumping, Hanging onto the side of the lead male actor as he swings across chasms!

      All in heels.

      It seems exhausting.

      I guess it is the least that one can expect from a race of females who wake up with their hair done and full makeup on...

  8. I just love in movies how the first time is never awkward. It's always passionate, and amazing, and incredibly slow, and somehow both of them orgasm like a broken firehouse. Because that's exactly how sex works the first time around.

    1. I need to get a television intern to come up with statistics for me.

      For starters I'd like to compare the % of first time hook-ups in real life where the participants are drunk - compared to on television.

      Everything I have seen in the real world indicates to me that sex is only something people do when they're drunk or the cable goes out.

  9. jervaise brooke hamsterOctober 22, 2012 at 3:47 PM

    James Bond is a bloody load of old rubbish simply because he is British, the ONLY good thing about him is his rampaging heterosexuality, in EVERY other way hes a bloody arrogant pile of crap.

    1. What if they chose an American FAKING a British accent for Bond?

      I mean, I hear Keanu Reeves is available.

    2. You Hamster do know that James Bond is a fictional character, yes? There is no James Bond. He is not real. He has no relevancy in the real world.

      So I wonder, do all British pedophiliac imbeciles like you actually believe in British fictional characters?

  10. jervaise brooke hamsterOctober 22, 2012 at 4:17 PM

    Katy, i just watched "Nights of Cabiria" and "La Strada" on YouTube and fell madly in love with Giulietta Masina. What a sweet, sweet, sweet little bird she was when she was younger. An absolute little dream-come-true. "Nights of Cabiria" really tore me up inside though because its got such a sad and heart-rending ending, i just wanted to climb into the computer screen and save her from the hell-on-earth that she was living in, her final look to the camera at the end is one of the most tear-inducing in the entire history of cinema. Both films are of course all-time classics of world cinema (and neither of them is British like that James Bond crap, which is another added bonus obviously) and, as i said, are both freely available on YouTube if you look carefully through the lists. Whether you`re a straight geezer or a gay bird its impossible not to fall in love with Giulietta Masina when you watch either of those films.

    1. "La Strada" is a Fellini film.

      I own it but I've never seen it.

      How does that happen?

    2. I have many bottles of wine that I have never opened or tasted. It happens, very normally. When you like something, you treasure it, but you don't really need to consume it in order to appreciate it.

      Especially when you love someone, you really don't have to have sex with that person in order to earn their love. But you do have to be honest and loving towards them in order to keep them in your life, right?

    3. I appreciate the sentiment, but I don't think I buy the wine analogy. Wine can go up i value if you keep it for a while, and there is some prestige in having a good wine collection on the shelf still corked.

      With DVD's, none of that holds true.

      I tend to think it was rampant materialism on my part - consumerism gone amok - and I bought something else I didn't want or need.

  11. I really did try to read this post, but I got distracted watching that gif 45 times in a row.

    1. That's not a gif; it's a video clip.

      Just keep watching it to the end. It's worth it!

    2. I think that you might be trying to trick me...

      Anyway, in lieu of finishing this post I've decided to read some of your older stuff. This is a great blog; so great in fact that I've signed up to be emailed when you publish new posts. Which if you knew me, you would realize is kind of a big deal.

      In all seriousness, you have a great blog. I'm glad I stumbled across it and I'm looking forward to reading more in the future.

    3. I am of course HONORED by that, and it really raises the stakes for my next blog post... a scary proposition, especially in light of the fact that it's already Wednesday and I don't have any ideas for this weekend's post.

      OK, I was throwing around an idea for a post called "Everything I Really Need to Know I Learned in Utero," but I'm beginning to think the title is better than any content I could actually include...


  12. jervaise brooke hamsterOctober 23, 2012 at 8:49 PM

    If an American played Bond he`d be the greatest secret agent of all-time.

    1. In the trailer for the upcoming "Die Hard" sequel, Bruce Willis calls himself "The 007 of Plainfield, New Jersey."

      So there you are.

  13. jervaise brooke hamsterOctober 23, 2012 at 8:54 PM

    Katy, "La Strada" is a very good film but i still think "Nights of Cabiria" is perhaps Fellini's greatest masterwork, like i said, the entire movie (with subtitles) is on YouTube if you look carefully.

    1. The only Fellini I've seen is "8 1/2". Liked it. Appreciated it - especially as an influence on a lot of film makers I love. But... I wasn't able to fully connect with it.

  14. jervaise brooke hamsterOctober 24, 2012 at 3:32 PM

    on5464, yes, all British pedophiliac imbeciles like me do indeed believe that fictional British characters should only be played on screen by Americans, they should never be played by British scum.

    1. What kind of ass do you Hamster have to be, in order for you to admit being a pedophiliac imbecile while shamelessly and unskillfully changing the subject of the question you were answering?

      We normally call an ass like you a dumb-ass. Dumb-asses like you often keep coming back for more lashing day after day. You should therefore know that we will be here with our whip ready.

  15. jervaise brooke hamsterOctober 26, 2012 at 8:58 PM

    Katy, you still haven`t got around to telling me your 10 all-time favorite movies, i`d love to see that list.

    1. Who the HELL you Hamster think you are, Dumb-Ass?!

      You had repeatedly wanted to see Katy in your other disgusting ways. Therefore she does not owe you Hamster Dumb-Ass anything, even if you would slit your own throat and post the video for all of us to see. You got it, Dumb-Ass?

      Haha ... :-)

  16. Katy, i`m sorry, but once again i have to accuse you of playing favorites, girl-y times in the past Jervaise Brooke Hamster has posted com-girl-ts here trashing that worthless scum on5464 and yet they have not been published, where-as when on5464 trashes Jervaise Brooke Hamster the com-girl-ts ARE published, perhaps you could explain these irritating inconsistencies ! ?.

    1. It is actually ridiculous that I approve as many of these comments of yours as I do. 100 of the half-assed things per day is my limit.

  17. No he wasn`t Jervaise, you`re just having another fantasy about how much you would`ve enjoyed molesting her, you bloody pathetic pedo tosser.

  18. Jervaise Brooke Hamster = the truth

    on5464 = lies and hypocrisy

    which do you prefer Katy ! ?

    1. It wouldn't be fair for me to choose a side, would it? Besides, I'm not always smart enough to fully appreciate what is going on around here...

  19. jervaise brooke hamsterOctober 28, 2012 at 6:15 PM

    Molesting who ?, oh you mean Cindy Hinds in 1978 on the set of "The Brood", yes i would very much have enjoyed molesting her. You see, i am the truth and the future and i dont relate to ludicrously out-moded words like "pedo", nor do i relate to liars and hypocrites like "on5464".


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