Thursday, May 9, 2013

Anything Could Happen (Part 3)

(This is Part 3 of my story. Reading Part 1 and Part 2 first would be helpful. Not essential, but helpful.)

Did I mention that I got my kids back?

Honestly, I’m not even sure how it happened. I guess it was a little dumb luck and a lot of random chance and then a dash of Doctor Belloq to boot.

One minute, I was waiting for my date to sober up at a party we were at, and the next, I found she’d just negotiated an impossible settlement agreement in my ongoing family law battle.

By the time the sun came up, everybody-but-everybody who is important to me was sitting in one of those big booths inside House of Pies. I could see them all from where I was standing… out in the parking lot.

My brother, Anthony. My ex, Dana. My boss/attorney, Adri. My lady friend, Doctor Belloq. The kids.

They were sipping coffee and they were eating French fries and laughing, but mostly they were trying not to inadvertently glance out the window and into the parking lot. At me. Out where I’d been banished.

This show was happening without me.

We’d been up all night because of a dart throw and some coin tosses, and now everything was riding on a couple signatures… and, of course, the pine cone.

The pine cone. I don’t even know whether it was a pine cone, actually. Let’s just say it was a pine cone-looking thing. It had definite pine conish qualities. If it had dated a real pine cone, not even the most conservative of conifers would have raised much a fuss.

Whatever it was, I found it on the ground, out in this parking lot where I’d been banished. I was tossing it up into the air and catching it. Tossing it up into the air and catching it again. I was trying to calculate whether I could manage to throw it all the way over the peak of the roof of House of Pies.

“If this pine cone thing makes it all the way over…”  I declared to no one in particular, “then I climb back into my van and get some sleep.”

“But, if it doesn’t!” I said, gesticulating dramatically and unseen towards the diner window through which I could see Doctor Belloq and my daughter, Rachel. “If it doesn’t, then I march right into that restaurant and I tell everybody exactly how it feels to be treated like a leper or a pariah or the smelly kid at the back of the class in third period geography.”

At this point, I probably ought to reiterate that I got the kids back.

House of Pies is a tall building and my arms… well, my arms look like this, so it really could have gone either way. And that could have been pretty awful because everyone-but-everyone who is important to me was in that diner and I could have been snatching defeat from the jaws of victory.

And even though I could make this story a whole lot more suspenseful if I were to tell you the pine cone thing almost did not make it over – that it landed on the very peak and then wobbled and then got caught by a breeze or something – the fact is I pitched that god damn pine cone thing clean over the roof and into the parking lot on the other side.

I threw it again to determine whether I would be keying the side of Dana’s BMW.

I did not key the side of Dana’s BMW.

Then, it was over. The settlement agreement was signed and it was dated and notarized, and this weekend, the kids and I are going to… going to… Hmmm. This weekend – which is Mother’s Day weekend! – the kids and I are going to go do whatever it is I see on the television when I randomly hit three buttons on the remote in just a minute here.

I can hardly wait to find out what it’s going to be!

Anything could happen. 

39 comments:

  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hello, on5464.

      I am sorry that you found the story to be unsatisfactory.

      I try very heard to write in a way that is fast-paced enough to hold people's attention but that still conveys the information I want it to convey.

      I don't always do that very well. More importantly, no writer can possibly please EVERYBODY.

      So unfortunately, you might find that this is not a blog that's right for you.

      Delete
    2. For the record, before he mysteriously deleted it, on5464 had left the following comment:

      "You are truly the master of telling a story by telling us absolutely nothing.
      Why do we bother to read it at all!
      More importantly, why do you tell stories when you never wanted to tell us anything at all."

      Delete
    3. If people want a story they should read a fairytale. If they want literature and a finely nuanced picture of people and their thoughts and motives they should read you.

      Delete
    4. Thank you, benni...

      I appreciate it when people tell me how I can improve, actually. But I really am doing the best I can!

      Delete
    5. I hate when you tell me a triumphant story about getting your kids back and then you share an amazing Mother's Day with them. Where's the sex? The violence? The explosions? As an American audience with a short attention span and a 3rd grade vocabulary, this is what I want to read. Not some smut about your kids. I mean, what is this, a blog or something?

      Delete
    6. ABftS: I'm completely losing my edge, aren't I?

      Delete
  2. I personally loved that story. And so fitting for what this weekend brings! Happy Mother's Day my friend! Enjoy whatever comes you way!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi, Melanie! I thought about that: It's sort of an honest-to-God Mother's Day blog.

      See what happens when I write three posts n a single week? I get all soft and sentimental!

      Delete
    2. Awwwwww! Welp, if you're gonna be a sap, Mother's Day is the right time to do it, I think!!

      Delete
    3. It's actually very hard for me to write emotion into my stuff. I tend to be sort of wordy and detached in my writing.

      But yes, Mother's Day - especially this year! - is the right time.

      Delete
  3. Why were you banished, did you cause a scene in the House of Pies (my favorite new show, it stars Kevin Spacey)? How long were you out there? Does this mean that going to parties and getting recklessly drunk will lead to child custody settlements? (Note: not "can", "will".)
    Regardless, I liked all three parts of the story and I'm really happy for you! Happy Mother's Day indeed.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey, I completed a 3-parter! Usually I fail miserably, either leaving off after a then-awkwardly-titled "Part 1" or else changing the subject entirely for Part 2.

      Anyway, they were just trying to keep Dana and me separated. I hear she really hates me.

      Keeping me as far away from her as possible was seen as the best course of action if we wanted to get an agreement signed.

      Took a couple hours. I fell asleep in the van.

      Delete
  4. Wow!!!!! I am so happy for you. Happy Mother's Day.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I always seem to end up way luckier than my behavior warrants. One of these days, karma is going to get me.

      I hope that it's not until the kids are grown, haha...

      Delete
  5. That is SO fucking exciting. I seriously want to know what Belloq said to Dana to get the chains off your kids and why youcouldn't be present in Piehellhouse. But it doesn't matter. I'm SO excited you got your kids back and they aren't trapped in the middle so badly anymore.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. The amazing part is that the two of them didn't know each other. I'm sure Belloq had seen a picture of Dana - I mean, I now she had - but they didn't know each other before the party.

      Belloq is just a force of nature.

      Delete
  6. This is so awesome I'm not even going to complain about how long it took you to finish!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Haha... Thanks, man. I am seriously considering opening a blog complaints department.

      Of the dozen or so people who read my blog, about half seem to be unhappy about it at any given time.

      I am constantly searching for new ways to piss off myyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

      Delete
  7. This is so awesome I'm not even going to complain about how long it took you to finish!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Okay I don't know why my comment posted twice, but I'm pretty sure it's not my fault.

      Delete
    2. My working hypothesis is that it was intentional on your part. You were trying to waste my time.

      Delete
    3. (I should probably add that if this was in fact an attempt by you to waste my time, you did a poor to middling job of it.)

      Delete
  8. I'd stay away from Adri if I were you. One mention of you being in the same building as she is could cause you to lose custody of your kids for good. I hear she's wanted in all 57 states of the U.S. ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. She should start a blog about her adventures.

      Delete
  9. Man, I HATE the new "Dynamic" look of your site. Of course, it's been a while since I was on here last so I don't know how long it's been but I hate it all the same.

    Glad you got your kids back. Adri must have been one hell of a help. Yeah, you couldn't have done it without Adri. You ought to get her a gift.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi, Bill!

      I don't know how I feel about the dynamic views. The most frustrating thing for me so far is that the comment section doesn't always pop up with the blog post!

      I've learned with Google that I should try out their new toys early, while they are optional, because sooner or later, their new toys will be mandatory.

      Delete
    2. This is not the best time for me to reply as I am, at present, seriously pissed off at Google, Blogger and G+. Having snarked at my blameless spouse and cat, I have, somewhat, calmed down. I also find I cannot often comment since Goofle "improved" their site, but being retired, with a husband who watches F1 on TV, I can find a way, to tune every fucking thing out and figure out what I need to do.

      GLAD you got your kids back. Have a blast tomorrow.

      Delete
    3. I will just say that it is difficult being a perfectionist when I'm using these tools.

      Posting a blog can sometimes take an extraordinary amount of time just getting the font right all the way through...

      Delete
  10. Complaint form ➜ ☐ Write legibly.

    Feel free to use this for complaints coming your way.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. In the past, the complaints I receive have run the gamut from "waste of time" to "too confusing" to "not personal enough."

      I'm not political enough for the politics junkies, not gay enough for the gay crowd, and I don't show enough skin for the perverts.

      This leaves about a dozen people who seem literate, fun, and helpful.

      Delete
  11. Oh Katy,

    I just love the way you write. This three-part series is better than most of the books I've read this year. I think you have the perfect balance of making us wonder what's going to happen while also giving us little pieces of your heart and soul. You are everything I aspire to as a writer. You are phenomenal.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, Kage! That means a lot coming from you. Isn't it cool that we can write in a fun way about stuff that also happens to mean something to us and that other people actually READ it?

      You can't beat that sort of arrangement.

      Delete
  12. Wanted to say HAPPY MOTHER's DAY

    some fun mother's day stuff
    https://www.facebook.com/goodstuff4u/posts/10151923406583677

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Good morning and thank you!

      Mother's Day was excellent.

      Delete
  13. Glad to see things are working out for you and the kids, and sorry I don't get around to visiting and commenting as much as I'd like. Hell, I don't even write on my own blog anymore.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi, Jay! I have been awful about visiting blogs lately. I always like it when I do, but I find I really have to MAKE the time to do it.

      It's sort of a like a soap opera around here: You can tune out for years and then catch up in 5 minutes.

      Delete
  14. Usually I hate happy endings. Oh, who am I kidding? I LOVE happy endings!!! And congratulations on completing a Three-Parter (oh, and on getting your kids back)!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks. I don't usually DO happy endings in my writing.

      Hell, I don't usually do emotions.

      I'm kind of a robot.

      But I'm trying!

      Delete

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