Sunday, July 14, 2013


A series of thoughts upon opening my eyes:

Thought number one was that I had drifted towards sleep. Without Benadryl. Without wine. Without Benadryl and  wine. I had not reached  sleep, true, but I had drifted. Drifted. Edged downstream far enough to see the lights of its fabled cities. Ha! This was unprecedented for me. Historic, even.

This changed things. No Benadryl and no wine changed everything. The world was going to be different after tonight.

Thought number two was Doctor Belloq. Doctor Belloq, lying next to me. I knew she was there, right next to me. I knew she was asleep. She’d gone on ahead without me. She’d left me here. Had she waited, well, we might have been flying through dream palaces together mere moments from now. Was that how it worked? Maybe?

At any rate, she’d gone on ahead without me, into sleep.

Thought number three was the sound. That noise. It was like… Like… The noise was like the purring of a giant mechanical tiger, maybe crossed with a car that had a bad starter, maybe crossed with the Bionic Man when he leaps over a fence.

That was the noise but where was that noise coming from?

Thought number four was that I could not turn to find out where that noise was coming from. Thought number four was that I could not move at all.

I could not move at all because of… Roots? The roots from that big old grumpy tree from Meyer Park. That is what it seemed like. Its roots were here. In bed with me here and wrapped around me here and squeezing me here until I could hardly even breathe.

I wondered, “How is this possible?”  

Thought number five was I was awake.

Thought number six was I was definitely not asleep.

Thought number seven was that something in the corner of my room was watching me. Something in the corner of my room that was  the big old grumpy tree but was not  the big old grumpy tree was watching me.

This something was bad. This something was evil. This something was pure and unadulterated, sinister and foul and it was sucking all the good, all the love – hell, it was sucking all the like – right out of my bedroom.

Thought number eight was utter certainty that this was not a dream.

I tried to kick. I tried to scream. I tried to kick and to scream and now the something in the corner was moving towards my bed.

“Recite!”  the something hissed in a voice that sounded more than a little bit like the vocals of a black metal band. Mostly like Xasthur, but a little like Wolves in the Throne Room, or maybe – just maybe – like Agalloch at certain moments in their later discography.

Thought number nine was that I should not get caught up in subtle distinctions between black metal vocalists when I had something that looked like the Silence from “Doctor Who”  approaching my bed and hissing orders at me.

I tried some more to kick and to scream and I did everything I could to move and this time, a sound came out of me. It was not much of a sound. It was just little sound. A wheeze, at best, really. But it was a sound just the same.

I could see the something swooping down on me, but then I managed that wheeze and suddenly, Doctor Belloq was up and in between me and the something.

Doctor Belloq was grinning. She looked really excited. She could not see that the something was swooping down on her  now, and I still could not move, so I could not warn her.

Doctor Belloq held her right hand up to my face and started counting down from five on her fingers.



The something was mere inches from the back of her head.


She lifted my right hand with her left.


She moved one of my fingers.



-the something popped out of existence and the giant mechanical tiger noise stopped and it was at this very moment when I started to kick and scream.

I screamed and I screamed some more. I cried a lot.

Doctor Belloq flapped her hands around and she said, “How fucking cool was that?”

Doctor Belloq said, “How many fingers did I hold up?”

I screamed a little bit more and I said, “You counted down from five and then you moved my finger.”  Then I went back to the screaming and the crying.  

Doctor Belloq began pacing around my room. She said, “I knew it! I knew it!”

She said, “You are the coolest person I have ever met ever, Katy!”

Thought number ten in my series of thoughts that night was that Doctor Belloq had somehow caused all of this to happen.

I reached over, off the bed, and I got my Benadryl and wine. 


  1. Thought number...eleven? Dr Bellocq must be one hell of a snorer. 

    1. Apparently, this is not an uncommon phenomenon. I'll talk about it next time.

      In a somewhat related note, I think I'm finally going to have to break down and take my blog OFF Dynamic Views. The comments just won't work with it on. 

    2. I spent the better part of an evening trying to get the old template looking good enough to pass muster, and I couldn't.

      It's just awful-looking.

      Style over substance, that's me!

  2. What the mother hugging hell??? This scared the sh!t outta me.

    1. It is hard to relate what it was like, but it scared the shit out of me when it happened!

      The woman I am kinda-sorta dating seemed to know it was going to happen, though, and thought it was really cool.

      Sometimes my life is pretty messed up.

  3. There is this state just before I drift to sleep where I enter a 2 dimensional universe, that happens to be in black and white. It is in this 2 dimensional world strange stuff happens. None of what you said shocks me. Although the Silence from Dr Who would scare the crap out of me. I am impressed Dr Belloq could make it stop my pulling your finger.

    1. This does not encourage me to stop knocking myself out in order to go to sleep!

    2. Incidentally, Brent, I've been reading a lot about what people with sleep paralysis say about their experiences, and there are more than a few of them who say it happens somewhere where "everything is in black and white."

      Sleep is like the final frontier.

      If I can just manage to stop knocking myself out every night (which is my attempt to dull all of my sleep-related adventures, I think), this next few months is going to be a blast!

    3. Yeah, no that was not encouraging in the least. All I know is if I get startled out of the 2 dimensional sleep there is no rest that night. I will have to look into sleep paralysis. That might explain a few things.

      Coincidentally I have been drinking a small glass of wine before bed. Not sure if it is helpful. The benadryl I usually save for overseas plane rides.

    4. I'm convinced the wine is helpful. I think that, without realizing it, I have been self-medicating for years in order to avoid sleep paralysis.

      Of course, I'm pretty screwed up, so...

  4. had to look it up - Hypnagogia is the experience of the transitional states to and from sleep. Also associated with hypnagogia is temporary paralysis

    Like I told the Wife, I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy!

    1. Yes, yes, and yes!

      Like I told Brent a couple minutes ago, this is the sort of incident that is going to keep me drinking before bedtime.

      The threat of something weird happening is just too terrible to risk.

      Sadly, this probably resulted in a blog that was not nearly as hot and steamy as a few people had hoped.

    2. Isn't there a white knight upon a fiery steed?
      Late at night I toss and I turn
      And I dream of what I need

      Somewhere after midnight
      In my wildest fantasy
      Somewhere just beyond my reach
      There's someone reaching back for me

      Racing on the thunder
      And rising with the heat
      It's gonna take a Superwoman
      To sweep me off my feet

      I need a hero, I'm holding out for a hero
      'Til the morning light
      She's gotta be sure
      And it's gotta be soon
      And she's gotta be larger than life
      I need a hero, I'm holding out for a hero
      ‘Til the end of the night

    3. Bonnie Tyler! I've gone from "Total Eclipse of the Heart" to "I Need a Hero" in one damn year.

      The secret would be to avoid Bonnie Tyler lyrics in my life altogether. Do you know Jim Steinman wrote most of her songs - the same guy who wrote for Meat Loaf?

      If Jim Steinman songs are relevant in my life, it's a sign that i need to take it all down a notch.

    4. yeah - working on a "I need a hero" project - will be posting in a few days -

      stay awesome!

    5. Post the link here when you finish it!

    6. Hey Kid - just posted -- BTW linked to you "dream"

      Heroes Come In All Shapes and Sizes
      (Bonnie Tyler - Holding Out For A Hero)

    7. Really, though, aren't ALL the songs from the Footloose soundtrack worthy of their own blog post?

      No one EVER writes blogs about Kenny Loggins...

    8. may some foot loose stuff tuesday

  5. Dr.bellog seems to be your match. I always imagined you to pop out one critical thinking book or a movie that would go in history or something, but you could rock a paranormal activity or black swan or some sort of psyco thriller. I may sound like a broken record but you are a great writer . Here forth I should just come to your site after erasing any details about you, it makes me enjoy the play as it should be enjoyed , real scary. Like think about all folks who read J.K.rowling's mystery book as someone else.

    1. Cool!

      It's tough because I think people tend to come back to sites if they KNOW what kind of site it is. But I am very inconsistent in what I write about.

      But I have to keep myself challenged and entertained before anything else.

  6. Have you seen the kids movie Chick Run? You should do what the poor farmer does in that movie, where he repeats to himself,

    "It's all in me head ... It's all in me head ..."

    1. What do you see or hear or taste that isn't in your head when you see or hear or taste it?

    2. I meant "Chicken Run", geez, wouldn't want to give you the wrong impression.

      And the difference is of course the source and cause of our senses, and the effect on our life. When George Zimmerman follows you around, you should take out your gun and shoot his skin-head shitless-ass dead nine times over; but when the shadow in the corner of your room starts to hiss at you, you should definitely not take out your gun to shoot at it, because you will just get police to come and ask you why you shot up your neighbor's toilet on the other side of the wall.

      Now, if FEAR is the only effect on you, then you should just forget about everything here, and then simply remind yourself that there is NOTHING there and you DON'T need to fear about anything! Right?

      It does seem to me that you actually BELIEVE in your fears, where instead you should have simply remembered the facts and NEVER thought twice about your fears. Your fears are not real, so you should at once leave them behind.

    3. My brain is an amusement park and I want to try out every ride.

    4. Nice quote. Is this yours or you borrowed it from somewhere? May come in handy.
      "my brain is an amusement park and I want to try out every ride"

    5. I think I made that up. I don't remember ever reading it anywhere!

      Use it as you will!

    6. I have actively avoided some rides in all the amusement parks I have been to. It's like the horror movies again, why would you pay good money to be stressed out badly?

      Certain things in life are obviously bad for our health and psyche. Trying those out is never a good idea. I think it is supposed to be wise to know our own limits. It's a tested and proven way for us to survive this world.

      Talk to a good friend as you go to sleep, count sheep, or just think about how wonderful we are alive in this world. Focus on what is real, and actively refuse to think about these hallucinations again. You will sleep better this way, I promise it will work.

    7. You think you are going to be slying on your death bed forty years from now, thinking, "Whew! I'm sure glad I didn't try anything weird or cool!"?

      How do you know your own limits if you never test them?

      People didn't think the 4-minute mile was possible for a long time...

    8. Oh I push plenty of boundaries, in fact my first real boss told me so when I didn't even notice it myself. And I have just put down a deposit on a new sports car that can outperform the new 2014 Porsche Cayman on acceleration, fuel economy, interior space, features, and price.

      I will for sure enjoy the feeling of leaving everyone in the dust every time the lights turn green, but I will never run a red light, no matter how thrilling it may be. There ARE limits if you want to keep living and do good with your life. Some ass will always make a more scary ride or a more potent psychotic drug, but you'd better not try them out just to see what it feels like. I bet dying is one hell-of-a experience, but, no, you don't try it on purpose.

    9. This is what I hear you saying:

      1. It is okay to push limits.
      2. Buying a car is a good example of pushing limits.
      3. Watching a scary movie is outside the limits that should be pushed.

    10. Haha, no, debating with you sure takes work, as if I am debating a litigator in court who is good at framing things in her favor, though likely deviating from the core arguments at hand.

      Buying a car is not the full exercise of pushing limits, but using the 180 horsepower per liter of its output to go from 0 to 60 in 4.5 seconds is extremely thrilling in my book. I never rode a sportsbike before, but I imagine it's the same feeling, yes?

      But the point is neither of us should run red lights, in fact, a good and safe driver would only attempt the 4.5 second thrill when there are no cross traffic at the intersection, just in case some idiot running a red light.

      As for not being interested in horror movies, that is just my personal preference and limit, thus not a life-and-death issue like running red lights. I just don't care for it, like I never cared for any illegal drugs. I don't think they would work on my brain in the way they would on yours. They are the red lights I personally don't want to bother with, it's simply not worth the trouble and all the hell I would inflict on the people I love and care about. Right?

    11. Then we're all where we need to be.

      You've got cars to thrill you.

      I've got my brain.

      Everybody wins!

  7. That's scary when it the way you write

    1. Thank you! Haven't been on top of my writing game lately - mostly because of insomnia, ironically enough - but I keep writing anyway. These things tend to go in cycles.

  8. I've had a similar experience to this once. It was when I was much younger. I was paralyzed in my bed as 5 pillars rose around me and people donning robes stared down at me as they babbled some things about the future. Not quite as freightening as yours, though.

    Pretty awesome that Doctor Belloq knew was was going on and how to... remedy... the situation.

    1. That's so cool! I have been sort of informally collecting stories like that the past few weeks from people I know.

      It's weird and scary and the best part is that the people involved are SURE they aren't asleep.

  9. You kinda sorta date cool people. I wish I were experimented on like that. But then I'm not as cool as you, there's nothing to really experiment.

    1. Tonight, it's got something to do with a couple wires and a car battery. What could go wrong?

  10. I'm a big fan of knocking yourself out before going to sleep. Lately I haven't done that, and I find myself having super fatalistic thoughts before sleep. "We're driving over the Golden Gate Bridge tomorrow. What if we plummet off? I mean we might survive the fall, with the airbags, but there are sharks in that water...and it's really cold...and neither the husband nor the dog swim particularly well." An extra glass of Cabernet would have totally avoided that conversation in my head. And I'm not sure, but Doctor Belloq seems like a keeper. In a sort of, non-commital kinda way.

    1. I know that feeling.

      I mean, i don't want a drink at ANY other point in the day, and the rest of my life is pretty damn cool.

      It's ONLY going to sleep at night that sucks for me...

      And Doctor Belloq and I are having a blast. Have no idea what it means, but we're having a blast at it!

  11. Can I just say a huge thank you for turning off that Dynamic View thing? Not sure what the deal is, but I couldn't even see comments for the past week and a half or so. So we haven't been ignoring your blog, we just couldn't comment. Either of us. And I wanted to e-mail you to let you know, but that Dynamic View allowed no way of reaching your "about you" page so I have no idea what your e-mail address is.

    Either that, or I suck at the Internet, which could also be true. I don't claim to be Al Gore.

    I've never experienced sleep paralysis, but I've always wanted to. Just to say I did. I guess that's what happens when life gets fairly mundane. I don't even get nightmares anymore. I just dream about grocery shopping or driving or being in old houses that aren't mine. They aren't haunted, just different. How lame is that? Come on sleep cycle, get your shit together.

    1. I am so glad you finally made it! I think the Dynamic Views look pretty cool, but the problem with the comments was starting to really become a thing. To respond to comments, I was having to resort to the old Explorer browser, which seems to be more Dynamic View-friendly.

      The trick to sleep paralysis appears to be a) weird sleep schedules and b) sleeping on your back. I think I'll talk about that more in later blogs, but... the supine element seems pretty universal.

      Sleep is amazing!

  12. First of all, I'm ecstatic to find comments are again enabled on your blobber! I thought my url had somehow been isolated and forbidden from leaving tracks.

    About the grape juice and pharmaceuticals... My lovely (and dangerous) wife has terrible dreams. They'd be nightmares for anyone else, but she has them so regularly that she just calls them "weird dreams", and apparently they keep her thrashing and kicking around all night, even on the best of nights. If enough tequila is imbibed, she sometimes manages a couple of restful hours. But how healthy can it be for a relatively fit young woman to have to go without sleep unless she and Jose Cuervo have partied half the night?
    The root cause of the problem won't heal itself, and I doubt continuing your Nyquil-esque abuse is going to solve anything, either. This has to be terrible for you, and being married to a woman who can't sleep, I can attest to the damage lack of sleep can cause. I haven't had more than a handful of good night's sleep since we married!
    Katy, as "fun" as this paralytic dream-state might seem for some, I'm quite certain you're desperately in need of assistance. It's above my pay grade to suggest such a thing, 'cause it gets laughed away around here when I offer the same solution... so I know better than to assume to know best for my favorite blogger person.

    But there might be someone out there who can help, and it MIGHT open a million doors for you to get some peace at night, sans chemical assistance.

    I wish you the best, and hope I've not crossed a line (or reminded you of some other asshole who told you the same thing a million times before you kicked them out of your life!)

    Mea culpa if I've taken leave of my manners.

    (worried 'bout you, that's all!)

    1. I sent in complaints to Google about the comment problems with Dynamic Views. So far, I have not even received a boilerplate, "We have received your complaint and are working on it!"

      Regardless, the prospect of being a long-term human guinea pig for Doctor Belloq is starting to lose its appeal. I'm about to post about how tired I've been since this all started. I'm weighing my options...

      Oh, and you are always welcome to give advice. One thing I've noticed around here is that no one ever calls me on bad or ill-advised behavior. It's sort of weird. I'll be playing in traffic or something and everyone seems... politely entertained.

  13. Hypnagogia is super fucking scary! It's happened to me three times in my life. Every time, I could see, hear, smell, etc. I was able to blink my eyes, but I couldn't move any other part of my body, and I couldn't speak or scream. The last time it happened, I could have sworn that someone was sitting on top of me and holding my arms above my head. I could "feel" their hands around my wrists, but I couldn't see anybody. I actually moved out of the apartment I was living in at the time because that incident freaked me out so much. I haven't had an episode in years, and I lived through a lot of insomnia and drank a lot of wine.

    I hope you're able to get a peaceful night's sleep soon.


    1. Hi, Karen. I'm amazed by how many people have gone through this!

      I've been reading about this quite a bit, and it's sort of weird.

      Your body paralyzes itself when you dream, and this is just the body screwing that up and doing it at the wrong time. Then your brain interprets the inability to move as someone holding you down.

      Glad it hasn't happened to you in a while. It's certainly not good for your sleep schedule!

  14. I want to call it a dream. Calling it a dream makes it easier to digest. Knowing it was reality... well...
    I've never had anything like this happen to me. The closest was when I woke up after having a terrible dream where I lost my arms in some kind of accident and while still half a sleep I tried to move my arms just to confirm they were there and I couldn't move them.
    Apparently I had fallen asleep with my arms above my head and most of the blood had drained from them. It only took a couple of tries before they were moving though.
    Nothing. Like. This.

    By the way, don't let my first sentence make you think I don't believe you... I do. I'd just rather call it a dream.
    Wouldn't we all?

    1. All I know is that I love to play games with my head (It is MY head and I ought to be able to do with it as I like, damn it!), and I've been having a blast with my sleep experiments in the months since I quit drinking. Dream, hallucination, other, I'm just seeing where it goes...


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