She said, “Sleep with me,” but that wasn’t the scary part that I warned you was coming last time.
Doctor Belloq was sitting on the floor in my living room. She was surrounded by piles of papers and the papers had my words on them. My words were journals and my words were blogs and novels and ideas and research paper articles. It was kind of ridiculous. All of those words and I’m pretty sure Doctor Belloq had read them all and highlighted the parts she found to be relevant.
And now? Well, now she had upped and decided that I really ought to maybe, you know, sleep with her.
That was not the scary part.
As a matter of fact, that part seemed long overdue. For years, I had been reading Kurt Vonnegut and I had been reading Charles Bukowski, and both of those bastards had assured me that if I kept writing words and if my words were worth a damn, then women who were way-way-way out of my league would be rendered helpless (or at least highly suggestible) in their need to commit physical abominations with me.
Physical. Abominations. With me!
So far, this statement by Doctor Belloq was the only evidence I had that Vonnegut and Bukowski might have been right.
I would have to choose my words carefully here. The words I responded to her with, I mean. The ones I said out loud. The words I say out loud rarely if ever live up to the words I write. There is just no time. There is no delete button.
How in the hell can I be expected to come up with something clever if I cannot sleep on it? If I cannot write out a few variations of my possible responses to see what works the best? Oral communications in general could only be imprecise and embarrassing and I wanted no part of them.
|(Scientifically accurate diagram,|
stolen from here.)
Speaking of imprecise and embarrassing, I wasn’t too sure about the whole sex thing, either.
But Doctor Belloq said, “Sleep with me,” and it seemed like I had to reply with something. I took a deep breath and I opened my mouth to speak and I was probably as curious as she was about what words were going to come out.
I opened my mouth to speak but before I made a single sound, Doctor Belloq started talking again, and this time she said, “Are your blogs true?”
Damn it, this woman asked hard questions!
How could I respond to that in a way that was funny and profound and sexy and cool? Burroughs would have said the blogs were all true. Hemingway would have said the blogs were all lies. Any answer in between was just boring.
“I don’t know,” I said. “I just write them.”
Doctor Belloq shrugged off my answer. She reached down into a teetering pile of my written words. Down past the Crayola comic book drawings of my elementary school years. Over from the mopey song lyrics of my time in junior high. Behind the optimistic notebooks of “Words I Want to Use in My Writing” from my college days.
She said, “What about this one?” as she handed me the “Plant Life (Parts 1-3)” blog posts from just last month.
I looked at them, I found a typo, and I set them back down. Doctor Belloq had read my “Plant Life (Parts 1-3)” posts, and while that was sort of scary, it wasn’t the scary part I warned you about.
“That one’s mostly true,” I said.
Doctor Belloq had a gleam in her eye now. I had never seen that gleam before. She was excited. She said, “But you were MUCH more scared of the big old grumpy tree than you admitted there, weren’t you?”
I considered this. “Yes,” I said.
Doctor Belloq leaped up and started pacing. “You were scared because the big old grumpy tree wrapped its roots around you and was squeezing you, idn’t that right?”
I considered this. “Uh huh,” I said.
She got right up in my face and she started pointing at me. “And you weren’t sitting Indian style like you said. You were lying on your back, weren’t you?”
I considered this, too. “Yup,” I said.
Her hands were shaking now, flapping around like the wings of some epileptic bat. More blog posts got yanked out the pile. “And you’ve been scared of the dark your whole life and that’s why you knock yourself out with wine and Benadryl every single night!”
I considered this. “You missed your calling, Sherlock.”
Doctor Belloq spread her arms out and sort of danced around in front of me. For a moment or two, I got concerned something was wrong, but her breasts bobbed up and down in a really wonderful way with every hop, so I let it go. Whatever was happening here, events definitely appeared to be coming to a head.
She shouted, “Let me spend the night with you, Katy! I want to see this. I figured out why you have been scared to fall asleep your whole life!”
I considered this. Doctor Belloq had not been using “Sleep with me” as a euphemism for “Commit physical abominations with me,” after all.
I had not seen that one coming.
Vonnegut and Bukowski had left me ill-prepared for a woman like this.
|(Not Belloq. Obviously not me.|
Declared relevant by me anyway.)
I guess Bill and Kurt and Chuck and Ernie didn't think they had to explain that once you get her/him/them into bed with you, however you manage to do it, the rest is up to you, Katy.ReplyDelete
But that's the part where it always gets complicated and annoying and time-consuming.Delete
Let me go see how Burroughs handled women. I mean, he was married for a while, right? He must have some tips on how to deal with women...
har har har.Delete
It's so cool to have people around here who don't need my (weak) joke explained to them. It's always the small things in life that keep me coming back, though...Delete
"Burroughs would have said the blogs were all true. Hemingway would have said the blogs were all lies."Delete
It is so cool to have people around here who can write THAT. And I'm hoping that in Part Three you and the Good Doctor physically abominate each other silly.
I don't think I can DO sex blogs. Which probably explains why something like 10 people stop by here.Delete
But hey, I'm always trying to stretch my writing.
There's really no need to go into any more detail than you already have concerning the actual mechanics. All you have to do is just lie back and let Belloq wrap herself around you and ... and then cut to a pic of the both of you standing on the deck of an aircraft carrier wearing form-fitting flight suits that leave little to the imagination in front of a "Mission Accomplished" banner.Delete
Belloq is an archeologist, so I'm eventually going to have to haul out the archeology/excavation puns.Delete
It's going to be double entendres a-go-go.
If you just say what pops into your mind, it will be ok. It is not possible to make a mistake.ReplyDelete
You might be underestimating my capacity to say stupid stuff.Delete
Half of the time, it's not even the actual words I meant to say. The other half of the time, I did mean to say it, but it didn't sound nearly so stupid in my head.
Thank goodness I am not the only one with a pension for saying stupid things!Delete
It IS so much easier to write things out! Sometimes I wish I could hit "pause" on life, just so I could write down my responses to people before delivering verbally.
The best lines always pop into my head while driving home hours later. Then I have to go through the trouble of forcing myself into another opportunity to use the line I should have said originally...Delete
Physical Abominations With me! Now that is scary! Makes me shake in my flip-flops...ReplyDelete
OK, reality tells me that I am not a handsome sexual tyrannosaurus with long arms. Therefore, when a hot chick says "lets do a sexual thing", alarm bells go off and the flight or fight reflex kicks into high gear.
This no shit!! Just the other day, I had a close encounter with the scary Elisha Cuthbert. Here is the NSFW true story...
Is Elisha up to her old tricks again?Delete
Reminds me of Rosario Dawson. Always harassing me!
yeah I still remember the Rosario Dawson post - that was hot!Delete
Is Elisha up to her old tricks again? Not sure, the follow day, Elisha Cuthbert married some hockey puck. I guess she does not lust this non-sexual tyrannosaurus any more. However, in her last tweet she did call me Rex
Maybe she feels bad for you. T. Rexes have arms way too short for masturbation.Delete
LoL - thanks for the much needed laugh! tough day in town...Delete
I brought jokes.Delete
Big scary cow monster moos so loudly that it reverberates in your brain and sinuses and keeps you awake. I think.ReplyDelete
I have to say, that's the best hypothesis I've heard so far. I'll keep an eye out for cows while I'm down there...Delete
Or maybe it's the half digested dancing baby. The possibilities are endless.Delete
I just don't have your sense of bravery. Gotta cut my writing into shorter pieces. Maybe I'm underestimating my audience! Either way, I think this one is going to go on for a while...Delete
What if Belloq is the nervous one and she's using this sleeping experiment as a pretext?ReplyDelete
Belloq never seems nervous about anything.Delete
Plus, she's an archeologist, so she ought to be great at excavating dark places that have sat untouched by human hands for centuries.
Damn it, I wasted that joke in a comment. You'll probably be seeing that one again...
Thank you, I'll be here all week. Remember to tip your waitress...Delete
Whoa! Hold on, not everything you write here is true? I feel so used, so lied to. That aside, there are people who aren't afraid of sleep? Who are these super-humans? Sleep is when you're most vulnerable. It's a miniature coma, sleep is terrifying.ReplyDelete
Well... Remember thye one post about how I was wearing a human flesh suit with some sort of robot underneath? That one might have had fictional elements to it.Delete
Also I have never actually dressed up like a male bounty hunter while I murder hippies in order to make it rain.
I hope that doesn't ruin the "Lesbians in My Soup" experience for you!
Oof, fear of encountering this exact situation is the reason I don't let anyone I know read my blog. Actually that was a lie just like my entire blog. Except for the letting people read my blog part, my friends are harsh critics.ReplyDelete
But, my social interactions with people are far less intelligent than the words I write down. I wish I could control time just so I had witty responces to everything.
I really don't want people I know reading my blog, although it seems to happen all of the time. Doctor Belloq found out about this blog from my eldest daughter, who didn't know anything except the name of it.Delete
When I get my time machine going, I will let you in on it. We'll look like the two wittiest people on the planet!
As a huge Bukowski fan, I have to tell you a little secret. Old Chuck bedded women with a depraved tenacity, yes, but what he did NOT tell us is that the women he enticed were not, uh, of the highest quality.ReplyDelete
The woman in Post Office, aka Joyce, was actually a woman named Barbara who had a hunchback.
And the woman who had his only child, a poet named FrancEye, was a bearded lady.
So unless you have a shiny red sports car or a lot of money, Bukowski might be wrong about us writers attracting Belloq-quality women like mad.
Oh, and I loved seeing our diagram here. You can steal from us any time.
Nice. The way that dude talked about women, I don't know how any woman agreed to stick around. Have you seen the interview where he starts kicking and beating his wife? DURING the interview?Delete
Franceye ought to go hipster and braid her beard.
I've had the diagram from A Beer for the Shower saved on my C-Drive for months, just itching for an excuse to use it. Frankly, I'm a little concerned it's going to turn up in Texas public schools' science classes.
Yes I have, and I think part of my soul died* after watching that interview, where he gets mad and kicks at her like a 60 year old toddler having a tantrum. There's nothing quite like watching someone you possibly considered idolizing acting like an overgrown man-child, and realizing it's not actually an act or a clever means of satire. He was just truly like that.Delete
*Not that I had much of a soul after reading Bukowski and realizing how much I enjoyed it, anyway.
There are a couple people - musicians, no less - who could make me feel just awful if I found out they were frauds or jerks. Most of the rest of my creative heroes I can keep in their proper place.Delete
Which is a shame, really, because the world was so much cooler when I thought these guys were gods...
Ah shit Katy all my hopes as a wanna be writer were dashed. You did warn me so the soul crushing fault is mine. I suppose my novella will never be finished. Same for editing all my old blogs into a semi organized piece of work. Maybe I'll take up music again? Only this time not tuba this time. Tuba players only get the hot women during Octoberfest. OK not really hot women as much as large breasted beer maids in low cut outfits, but I am good with that too. Upright bass maybe? A brooding middle aged man playing a string bass....ReplyDelete
You can keep writing (I will, too!), but you probably should not expect to ever benefit from it.Delete
I bet I don't even get a gold watch after I've blogged for 25 years.
Not like either of us could really stop writing, even if we wanted to. My current challenge is to get my tablet typing speed up to 25% of my keyboard wpm. This thing takes forever using just 2 fingers.Delete
There is a dirty joke somewhere in that last sentence. I'll leave it to you to figure it out.
I don't type correctly on the keyboard. I use two finegrs on my right hand and one (sometimes two) fingers on my left hand.Delete
However, I type really fast - and really loud!
Pretty much everybopdy makes fun of me for the way I type. They call me Shroeder because apparently I look like a piano-playing character from "Peanuts" when I'm typing.
That is not a dirty joke.
I was flipping channels one evening when I came across a behind the scenes "special" where they showed Tom Brokaw hunched over his keyboard typing with 2 fingers using the Schroeder method. Clearly it hasnt held him back any so I wouldn't worry about the naysayers.Delete
I think Peter Jennings typed the same way.Delete
I figure that watching me type a blog is sort of like watching sausages being made: disgusting, possibly mentally scarring, and involves a lot of random animal parts. You don't want to see either one.
Have you ever tried to type with all ten fingers, namely the proper way?Delete
It's not hard at all, you just have to do it, like many things in life, isn't it.
Once you start to touch type, then I would highly recommend an ergonomic keyboard. I use the Microsoft Natural Ergo Keyboard 4000, available at your local Micro Center for $30 or $40. Once you have gone all-natural, then you will have to try a trackball, such as the Logitech Marble trackball ($20), which gives you precise cursor control with the least amount of movement in your fingers. I have in fact three sets of these things that I bring with me to all my client offices. They will let you type and point with so little effort, there will be no way for you to bang and torture your keyboard any more.
Never tried to type the correct way. Not sure that I have any interst in learning how.Delete
My keboards have it coming.
I am slightly scared now that you are not talking about lesbian sex any more. Hmm ...ReplyDelete
Hey look, someone stuck around even though I cut my writing into pieces.Delete
Still feeling cheated?
I never liked horror movies, though I am watching one on TV at the moment. It's like, why am I paying with real money and time to get stressed out by stupid stuff that is not even true.Delete
Which leads me to think just how much of your story here is true ... hmm. But at least you got my attention to think about something, instead of being left hanging high and dry in the past.
I think horror flicks engage your body's flight-or-flight response mechanism stuff. You're basically paying for an adrenaline kick. I guess it's safer than bungee jumping.Delete
Hey, I know it's Monday morning and all, but I have finally had it with this page design. I have just refreshed this thing over a dozen times and it still wouldn't show me the comment section. I had to back all the way out and then I was able to get here again.Delete
One of the four Ps of marketing is placement, including how easily you make your product available to your customers. Would you please, please go back to a more static page design? Things that are fancy, big, or popping up all the time tend to be a pain to live with, which you must know well as a lesbian.
I agree. I had to actually switch browsers in order to get to comments.Delete
Anytime I have to resort to Internet Explorer, something has gone horribly wrong.
No promises, but sometime in the next couple weeks, I'll likely attempt to DOWNGRADE to another template. Damn it!
Speaking of lesbian sex, how does it work?!Delete
I don't mean the mundane procedures, no; I mean just what do lesbians view as attractive in another female?
Judging from the photo you posted at the end of your blog, it's like you are a guy. But how can that be?! Biologically and physically, I imagine that you are definitely not attracted to the same features in a woman that men are attracted to. And in fact all the lesbians on TV a week ago when the Supreme Court struck down DOMA and Prop 8, did not look like the mostly-naked woman you posted. They were in fact below average in their general attractiveness.
So, I guess the conclusion must therefore be that Dr. Belloq is NOT a lesbian, since she is definitely above average in her photos. Hmm.
Since she is now reading this blog, she should chime in and clarify this for the world to know. We the public have the right to know.
The average person in the world is average-looking, and half are even worse than that!Delete
You are biased, you want to touch her hat and everything, so no wonder you didn't answer the question here, on whether Belloq is lesbian.Delete
Give her a call, get her to answer it here for all of us, especially for you, as I have a feeling that you have yet to touch her hat and everything. So consider this as me doing you a favor.
It's not really my place to out Belloq either way.Delete
Plus, I want her to let me keep posting pics of her.
Sleeping with someone is not the point, isn't it?Delete
It is what she does with you when she is awake that actually matters.
Doctor Belloq always has ulterior motives.Delete
For the record, Vonnegut is one of my faves, and was one sexy son of a beast. And also, I completely get the fear of speaking words out loud. I've deleted most of this comment already.ReplyDelete
Vonnegut was a godsend for me and my writing. About ten years ago, my writing was convoluted - I was always trying to bowl people over with my cleverness, writing complex and unreadable stuff.
Vonnegut's writing taught me to just say what I mean.
Which seems like common sense...
Again this blogger comment bermuda triangle thing is crazy.Delete
I thought with previous post "lesbian sex" and "sleep with me" this post is going to be a "flipping bird" for all those who land here by using those words in google. But no not exactly. The last picture is almost like participation prize
Belloq seems to be your ideal match she sounds cool, hip and rational and pretty too.
I remember that female anatomy picture from Abfts blog. Somehow it fits here more perfect than their Atkins's post. :)
I hope you had a wonderful night ;-)
I think this post is the first one since switching over to Dynamic Views where I've had more than 50 comments, so I had not realized that I had to hit "Show more" or something to see the later comments. One more reason to switch back to the traditional template, maybe.Delete
This post was getting quite a few page views and it took me a couple days to figure out it was the Google-bait title.
I've been waiting to use that ABftS pic for months! It's fantastic.
Mayn't be your dynamic template but my old school windows phone and iPad 4. IPad 4 is the crazier one it doesn't work with floating blog templates like yours and scrolling is like teaching science to religious nuts and even if I manage to comment it doesn't allow me to use backspace or anything. I need to click preview and then edit and then do whole edit and imagine me with my limiter grammar it not just that I have little regard for grammar technology doesn't allow me too. (not buying this excuse?! :))ReplyDelete
About that insomnia thing I have had both insomnia and hypersomnia both. I personally prefer hypersomnia it just endangers the rest especially when I drive the car with eyes closed and mouth open but I am happy, but insomnia thing is hell. That loneliness, disappointment and depression and all that "I am alone in universe" . No, no thank you.
The bad thing about insomnia is the knowledge that not only is your evening a little out of whack, but the next few days are going to suck because you're going to be so tired.Delete
I think I went YEARS where I was tired all day and wide awake all night. That's not a lot of fun.
IPad 1 ios 4. Not iPad 4. Now with surface price down I may go for that, hopefully that would allow me to comment without offending the authors and native English speakers :(ReplyDelete
And right at this minute, and perhaps every minute of the day are you asking yourself the same question of what can you do to get your ex girlfriend back?ReplyDelete