DISCLAIMER: I feel that I must warn you that the story upon which we are about to embark is scary.
Oh, it does not start off that way, but don’t let it fool you. This story is deceptive. In fact, at the start, you will probably find yourself saying something like, “This story is curious!” or perhaps even, “This story is going to make for some light and relaxing reading at bedtime tonight.”
But rest assured, this is not the case, or at least this is not the case for very long. For, while starting off as merely curious, our story will progress first to platypus-level-weird, then to hairless-cat-level-unnerving. From there, it will take a short detour through Christopher-Walken’s-voice-level-eerie, overcompensate for the lost time by plummeting into subdermal-spidermite-level-bloodcurdling, and finally, settle into Sarah-Palin-as-President-level horrifying.
So if you have a heart condition, are pregnant or may become pregnant, or have a history of insomnia, you should probably sit this one out. In addition, this story is definitely not recommended – it is even un-recommended!– for the elderly and the infirm, for anyone with epilepsy or phantom limb syndrome, and for those of you who are able to be hypnotized.
Now, the more astute readers among you – and the word “astute” here is used to mean “keenly observant of things ordinary people might miss” – probably noticed that I have not said anything about children reading this story. This is because frankly, I am okay with the prospect of children reading it.
In my experience, children are ever-so-much more nimble than adults are at processing and incorporating new, strange, and even disturbing information into their lives. Why, when I was a child, both of my parents died in the very same month, then my twin brother was taken away and put into foster case and I was left on the treacherous streets of Houston to fend for myself.
To recover from all of this, it took me roughly one month.
But then some more time went by and I got taller and I turned into what society refers to as an “adult.” Now, whenever everything changes and my life turns upside down and I regenerate into a brand new person, it takes me longer to recover. It takes me about a year.
Children bounce; adults do not.
Try dropping one of each off the top of the nearest building if you don’t believe me.
The story upon which we are about to embark is scary, but children will probably be able to handle it okay – even if they happen to be very young children. The only real question – as I see it, anyway – is who those very young children are going to find to read this story to them. You could read it to them, I suppose, but as I might have mentioned earlier, you might be better off sitting this one out.
This story marks the beginning of “Lesbians in My Soup,” Season Four.
Season One was about my scheme for Double Bigamy (All the Way). Season Two was about my then-wife’s plans to join a religion. Season Three was about a break-up.
Season Four looks as though it might be about… fear.
By an odd coincidence, Season Four starts with Doctor Belloq – who is the woman I am sorta-kinda dating – reading “Lesbians in My Soup.” It starts with her asking to read more of my writing, things like my short stories, my novel-length manuscripts, and my journals.
It is always a little bit scary when someone whose opinion you value reads the words you have written. It is scary because it leaves you vulnerable. But that’s not the scary part of this story. The scary part of this story is what happened after that.
I will talk about it in my next blog post, which I think I am going to call “Sleep with Me.”
You might want to sit this one out.
If you do not, please don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Boooo! I was ready to be scared when I read it. You're a tease.ReplyDelete
Yeah, I know. I cheated.Delete
I used to have an idea and then race through everything so I could get my idea across in 2-3 pages of type (much more than that and people skim).
Now, I figure, the hell with it. I can divide these babies up into multiple parts.
You quicki-mart snake-oil saleswoman, you swindled us with this one. >:pReplyDelete
In fact, the longer your own hype about your own blog, which you actually write into the blog itself, the higher the chance of having absolutely no climax at the end.
Much like lesbian sex, I imagine. You know, for lack of substance.
Really? Please share your knowledge of lesbian sex with us!Delete
After you've done that, tell me how these longer ideas and stories could be better handled:
a) cut out everything except the bare bones to keep it within a single post;
b) just have incredibly long-ass posts;
c) do what I've been doing, which is have multiple parts fr the same story; or
In Texas, I would characterize lesbian sex as two hats, still no cattle.Delete
I am a disciplined person, so I always have rules about everything, such as having a story to tell and a point to make in every piece of published writing. You therefore should not worry about the length of something, since we all know that size does not matter, especially for lesbians.
Instead, having something there at the end is much more important, right? You huffed and puffed a page and a half about fear, but you didn't blow the house down at the end in this blog. I for one would not be your lesbian lover, if you keep performing like that.
So then you wouldn't approve of someone writing a blog series - or posting a book chapter by chapter.Delete
I was planning to write sort of a series of entries over the next several weeks. What I'm hearing you saying is that no matter how long the story or idea is, I should wait until it's finished and then publish it all at once?
God darn it, you just ruined a bunch of clever jokes from me! Damn it!Delete
No, boring-ass writer, each chapter should have a story and a point, they don't have to be the whole story and the final point, but something. What you did here was a bunch of foreplay, in fact an exhausting amount, but then you just got up and said, "oh I am late for a PTA meeting, see you next week."
It left us in shock of "wait, what just happened here?!" and "what was that?!" We all know that you can't end a chapter in the middle of a foreplay. Could this be a problem in your personal life, may we ask?
If it will make you happy, then fine, I'll bite: Yes, sleeping with me is stressful, frustrating, and can potentially leave a gal with PTSD.Delete
Which is why disclaimers and waivers (such as this one) are so important in my writing!
good read - had a grin on my face the whole timeReplyDelete
is this going to be a Nineteen Eighty-Four part 3 thing?
just found this I am sure you will like itDelete
Paint it Black - different style
That youtube video has everything: twin blondes, high heel boots, harps, a song by the Rolling Stones, Spanish Moss, a cemetery.Delete
Where has that been all of my life?
You let her read your writings!?! That's terrifying. All the vulnerability involved in that is truly scary. Wait, that wasn't story?ReplyDelete
I am terrible about letting people read my stuff. I pace around them asking questions while they try to read.Delete
But no. The real story is going to take a few posts to tell and it's fantastic!
This was like the Paranormal Activity of posts. "We're going to tease you with tiny hints of scariness, only to disappoint you at the end." The next one had better be scary, then. I want true, paralyzing horror. Like "Stephanie Meyer has been signed on to write the next 3 Star Wars movies, and it's about a boring girl with no personality falling in love with an Ewok" horrifying.ReplyDelete
Haha.... I was planning on writing a disclaimer as an intro, and then it got away from me and went to long. But it was so much fun writing in that kind of Lemony Snicket voice!Delete
I'm assuming the piece of writing that Doctor Belloq read caused her so much emotional trauma, anxiety, and feelings of alienation that she went on a Shining-like rampage and attempted to kill you? I'm pretty good at foresight. Oh, yeah. That's definitely what the next post is about.ReplyDelete
Isn't it proper netiquette to put the word "SPOILER" in front of information like that?Delete
I'm not gonna hurt you. ... I'm just going to bash your brains in.
There is one thing much scarier than when someone whose opinion you respect wants to read your stuff. It is when someone you have genuine affection for wants you to read THEIR stuff. Most people's writing is for shit. The chances that any given person that one has genuine affection for writes well are close to zero, and possibly even negative.ReplyDelete
In this case, at least at the most superficial level, so far you have nothing to fear. After all, you are a great writer and Doctor Belloq comes off as some kind of Superhero in your writing. What's not to like? But maybe she really is some of Superhero, but one who is sworn to secrecy, and when she reads what you have written about her, she realizes that for the good of the Universe, which she is pledged to save, you must be silenced. And since she knows you pretty well by now she realizes that the only way to silence you is to cut your hands off and sew your mouth and eyes shut.
Especially when it comes to fiction, I think you're absolutely right. People with something to say don't have the style to make it interesting, and people with the style don't have anything to say. I throw people off by keeping my writing so simple that it's mistaken for a style. really, though, it's just dim-witted simplicity.Delete
Regardless, if I've been making Doctor Belloq out to be a superhero, then the upcoming stories are going to do nothing to change the character.
I am glad to hear that, because she is now my current favorite superhero!Delete
Damn it. She reads this page and you're going to give her a bigger head.Delete
I feel like that one lucky fish that manages to get hooked, then let go, then hooked again and so on and so forth... You're a meanie.ReplyDelete
Tragically perhaps, I think I've become better at writing intros than actual stories...Delete
What! As a woman who is well into her second year of celibacy, and ten years into an insanity that endears some and annoys many, I am the only one allowed to tease.ReplyDelete
As someone who is well into my 22nd year of writing, I will get readers however I can get them.Delete
I considered having the hook be about "One Easy Secret fOr Getting a Flat Tummy."
Ooh. I'm scared.ReplyDelete
I think I'll go drop a kid off a building now.
If anyone asks you about it later on, please leave my name out of it!Delete
Ha! We were just talking about hiding the inserts that come with the prescription from elderly relatives because they only experience side effects after reading the warnings. Well done, I will now have a reaction without having read the blogReplyDelete
Season 4 is a big deal. If you make it through season 5 then you can put the blog in syndication. Just think of the residual income from having reruns on TBS!
I read this book recently that discussed placebos and "nocebos" (sort of negative placebos). Different cultures have different rates of susceptibility and mortality to some ailments because of what is culturally expected. It's a weird concept - you might get as sick as you expect to get from something.Delete
Season 4 is going to be great. I have this big finish planned where I put on a leather jacket and go water-skiing with a shark!
You'll be standing on the shark, I take it?Delete
Are you kidding? I shall be jumping over it...Delete
Well so far no shark tank in sight. You are off to a good start. The Fonz jumped the shark the start of season 5. You have a year to goDelete
I might trade a few decent pieces of writing for the ability to start a jukebox just by hitting it.Delete
Good choice. I approve this. Your autobiography would make an excellent bedtime story. Your life is like a life coaster, and unique and inspirational and yes scary scary scary. I would have popped up some pills and tried to go on deep sleep after every episode.ReplyDelete
You always seem to carry bag of plan Bs or correct and unattempted choice with keen aptitude. Like if we guys were to pick always blue you always seem to pick red. Everyone seemed to pull that "eat,pray,love" that backpacker thing while yours is different.
Doctor Belloq hope she makes this scary seasons little bit breezy for you too.. And about that lesbian sex ... That is not R rated?
I think you might be the only person who did't get mad that I posted an intro as a blog post!Delete
I was going to make some really profound-sounding statement about what rating lesbian sex should receive, if it has to receive a movie rating.
Then I realized that I probably don't know enough about lesbian sex to make a general statement about it. And that's just sort of sad. There's always my thirties, though: They're coming up in a couple years, and I'm positive there's going to be tons of lesbian sex!
Come on, intro is the best part. I mayn't remember Sidney Sheldon's "if tommorrow comes" but I remeber Whitney's naked and mirror and same way I don't remember "tale of two cities" but I remember "worst of times, best of times" anytime.Delete
You have your style that is your biggest asset don't mind tips and suggestions from others ignore those.
I am all ready with my popcorn and blanket and maybe campfire too, all set for the scary story Katy. :)
I've always been pretty good with beginnings. It's keeping that energy that is tough.Delete
I'm not going to worry about anymore. I'm going to tell stories at my own pace, and whoever wants to come along for the ride can come along for the ride.
The past few months, I've been posting these two or three-part stories, and I feel way better about them.
I don't know how long this next one will be.
Everybody gets their money back if it sucks!
How did I not know you had a blog? I mean, with the awesome comments you leave over at mine, I should've known you write. Now you must go in my feedly or bloglovin' or whichever one has the little button up here on my toolbar.ReplyDelete
My blog is a well-guarded secret. Sometimes I forget abut it myself.Delete
Thank you for stopping by, though!