Today, I am going to tell you the story of the time I turned into a human being.
You see, after I turned into a human being, my day got kind of weird.
Admittedly, some of that might have been my fault. Or most of it might have been my fault, even, if you really want to start pointing fingers.
First, I kicked a big old tree and the big old tree did not kick me back.
Then Harry drove me back to the office in the van. Along the way, I kept seeing plants – way more plants than I had ever noticed before. There were trees along the road, flowers on islands at intersections, bushes in front of stores. Plants are everywhere!
I saw a crepe myrtle on Tomball Parkway and I thought, “I wonder if that is my friend Rufus?”
I saw a young mesquite tree off of I-10 East and I thought, “I wonder if that tree is a nice tree, or if it’s like that one at the park who threatened to kill me?” Maybe all plants would try and kill me, given half a chance. Maybe I just have one of those faces, you know?
Harry could tell something was going on with me, I think. Oh, he didn’t say anything at first, but he would look at me carefully, suspiciously, like out of the corner of his eye, every time we drove too close to a hedge or we passed a menacing maple. Every time I whimpered and every time I squealed.
Finally, after one of my particularly poignant shrieks, he asked me, “Everything going alright with you, Kates?”
I peered over at him. Looked him up. Looked him down. His beard had a definite vegetallic quality which I’d ever noticed before. I thought, “I might have to kill this guy before he kills me.” I reviewed potential body-hiding places.
I said, “Please just get me back downtown – back where everything is concrete and steel and a human being like me can feel safe and sound!”
Soon enough, we got back downtown. Back in the middle of all of the concrete and the steel and the glass. Back where I felt safe and where the only thing threatening to kill me was the occasional strung-out and very human junkie.
To review: I was a human being again and I was downtown and sure, my friends were still missing, but it’s so important in life to try and see the glass as being half-full.
It was late, but we went back to the office anyway. I sort of think that Harry sleeps there, like in some back room closet or maybe under a desk. As we approached the elevator, Harry slowed up and started looking me over, so in my head, I got my speech ready – the speech where I explain what a lesbian is and how that might be different from what he assumes from watching porn.
As he punched the code into the number pad at the office door, he mumbled, “I’m so sorry, Katy.”
Then he shook his head sadly.
The laughter started before the door was even opened all the way.
Inside, there was Eggplant. There was Rufus. And there was Star and Ethel Bunny and the Glob. They were drunk and they were dancing under a sign, and the sign read, “WELCOME BACK TO THE WORLD OF FLESH AND BLOOD!!!”
I thought the three exclamation points might have been overkill.
They laughed for a long time. They were quite proud of themselves.
Rufus said, “There’s no such thing as a vine that turns you into a plant, Katy. We were just fucking with you.”
I did not know what to say. I tried a few times and I failed.
Nothing made any sense.
I said, “But! No! But!” I also said a few things less coherent.
Ethel Bunny said, “We bought this vine off this guy in a food truck, but it doesn’t do what he said it did. That’s the last time I buy drugs off a food truck.”
But it does work, I thought.
“But it does work!” I said.
“No-o-o-o!” said the Glob. “We got you good!”
Then I stood there with my mouth hanging open some more. My friends laughed and danced. They were playing some song by Creedence Clearwater Revival that I am certain was plant-related and therefore appropriate to the circumstances at hand.
And that’s pretty much how things ended, the day I turned into a human being.
* * * * *
[OPTIONAL ALTERNATE ENDING]
At Meyer Park, the geese and the raccoons were nervous. The ducks and the possums were on edge. Things at the park were not right. Things were wrong.
The woods were full of leafy laughter. The trees and bushes, even the grasses erupted into laughter.
A vine chuckled its viny chuckle and then turned to a big old grumpy tree. It said, “Tell us that story again! The part where you convince Katy to suck my root and swallow the sap!”
This was followed by a lot more laughter.
The big old grumpy tree tried to look dignified and to hold a poker face, but the story of Katy was too much, too much.
The big old grumpy tree said, “We got her good! There’s no such thing as a vine that turns you into a human being!”
And that’s pretty much how things ended, the day I turned into a human being.
Oh Katy, I am frankly disappointed that the hype was definitely better than the real thing. As they say on Wall Street: buy on the rumor but sell on the news.ReplyDelete
You know what, I am going to be honest with you, this ending is just LAME, I tell you.
You need some real bang in your life, some sizzle, some craziness and provocation that is befitting a lesbian's life, that's according to us straight people's common assumption about lesbians; just ask Harry.
I say you go to a sex party stat, like tomorrow night, and maybe hook up with some professional sex workers; and the heck with Dana, in fact, if Dana goes there then you'd better go there too, if only to show the world (or just the lucky few who would get invited to such questionable endeavors) how exciting your life really is.
Now THAT would be a better and the only proper ending to this blog.
You're right! It was all hype. I knew when I approved that $30 million ad campaign that the trailer was going to include ALL of the good parts.Delete
And the awful thing is that I don't even have sex and drugs as an escape now, because I assume all the drugs are placebos and I'm a lesbian which isn't real sex.
You have shown me the error of my ways!
So... so there's no magical tree vine and you were just really psychologically gullible? I mean that's cool and all.. unless the REAL ending is the alternate one and I'm reading something written by a TREE. Hell yeah hipster points! If a tree writes a blog post and I'm one of the first to read it, am I cool enough yet?ReplyDelete
What do YOU think it means, D4?Delete
Years from now, you can say you were reading tree blogs before they were cool.
Actually, I am told by reasonably reliable sources that I might have an enzyme that my friends did not have, so I got off on the vine even thought hey didn't. Or I might just be prone to the placebo effect.
Or it might have all been a dream!
LoL - A vine chuckled its viny chuckle and then turned to a big old grumpy tree. It said, “Tell us that story again! The part where you convince Katy to suck my root and swallow the sap!” - still laughingReplyDelete
woke up as a sub-human ==> Did the 3 Cs followed by the 3 Ss ==> walk outside the gilded gate ==> became human
did the domesticated stuff with a smile on my face ==> returned to the bat cave
myself and the puppies had a blast playing with the grey storks in the flooded rice paddies. However, Mrs Goodstuff seems to have an irrational hatred of a little mud...
now I am Neonothopanus gardneri (bioluminescent mushroom) - feel like I am one with the world...
thanks for the brain food
I read a book recently in which the author writes of standing in flooded rice paddies in southeast Asia at night, stars reflected in the water and fireflies flying around - and it basically leads him to a moment of enlightenment.Delete
Houston doesn't have fireflies. It doesn't have stars. And it doesn't have rice paddies.
It does occasionally have floods, though, so maybe that's enough for the enlightenment!
Is there a way to replicate that same supposed placebo effect so that I can take a Flintstones chewable and think I'm tripping? And what kind of office do you work at that you can have a drug trip (that's not a drug trip) then think it's a good idea to go to your office!?! Sigh, so Vine isn't a real thing and I have to go back to doing the garden variety (pun intended) hallucinogens like mushrooms. Se la vie.ReplyDelete
Hi, Pickleope! I am actually the most conservative, straight-laced person in that law office. Which is probably why I get pranked all the time...Delete
But now that I am reasonably sure that my brain can call up alternate states of consciousness at will, I'm going to be visiting all sorts of cool places!
Just not the world of plants. Because plants are jerks.
I was hoping to get some of that vine for Father's Day. Guess I have to replan my weekend.ReplyDelete
I will punch my friends for screwing up your big weekend!Delete
You see how violent the plant world has made me? You're probably lucky that you;'re staying clear.
OPTIONAL ALTERNATE ENDING NUMBER TWO:ReplyDelete
Somewhere in Meyer Park, a half vine/half human child wanders restlessly, searching for its mother.
I think I could probably get 12 or 13 more posts out of this, just with optional alternate endings.Delete
The one where it turns out Bruce Willis was dead the whole time is going to shock everyone!
Eventually you will realize, if you haven't already, that there must be a Part Four, and probably a Five and a Six. Because, you see, that shit Ethel Bunny bought from the guy on the food truck is still worming its way through your psyches and blood streams. It is not done with you yet......ReplyDelete
The interesting thing is that the incident has led me to realize a couple other things. It's the beginning of something.Delete
The problem is that the posts like this typically get about 1/3 the comments and page views as the "I stepped on a piece of glass today" posts, so I'm not sure how to proceed.
We shall see.
Katy, if you're ever at Tomball Parkway, please call me. I really do want to meet you before I'm gone from this plane of existence. I've cared about your health and welfare for some time now and really, not only do we have friendly trees, if a tree gets out of line one tiny bit, some company comes along and cuts them right down the middle. Of course, I'm talking about real trees and not metaphorical trees. I don't think this part of Magnolia is as horrible as you remember.Delete
It is a deal!Delete
I don't know Magnolia as well as I know Tomball. And I know two people in Tomball. One had a wild monkey attack and mutilate his son's hands. The other had an angry coworker put her car in a tree with a bulldozer.
That may not happen to everyone out there, I suppose...