Sunday, September 22, 2013

Chupacabras Ate My Blog!!!

It has been fourteen days, twenty hours, seventeen minutes and six seconds since my last blog post.

That is way too long.

I have a good excuse, though.

You see, chupacabras ate the post I was planning! I was attacked by a flock of feral Mexican goatsuckers and all I have to show for it are the words you are reading at this very moment.

The post that should have gone here was way better, but the chupacabras got it.

It happened last Sunday. I was walking down Travis Street. I was thinking about my idea for a new blog post. To be honest, my idea was just about perfect.

That was when I heard it.

It started like a buzz, then it turned into a drone, and then it started kind of chugging like, “Ta-pocketa-pocketa-pocketa.”

And I knew. Even before I even turned around and looked up, I knew. I said, “We should not have laughed at Mario. We should not have poked fun. We should not have thrown rocks at his head.”

My friend, Mario, he knows (or knew?) that sixty-three percent of the good ideas people have are eaten by chupacabras. He told us that. Mario knows you should never carry a good idea around in your head out in public.

He warned us. He was very specific. Now Mario is missing, I have been attacked, and you are getting this lousy blog post instead of the one that we both know you really deserved.

*           *           *           *           *

We thought it was all fun and games, throwing rocks at that poor kid’s head.

But Mario knows a thing or two about chupacabras. I mean, he knows things.

Mario’s the one who taught me everything I know about them. Just ask him. He will teach you, too, and gladly. If we ever find him. 

Mario has notebooks and scrapbooks. Old floppy disks and photo albums. Shelf after shelf after shelf of them, and all filled to heaping with everything you could ever want to know or think to ask about chupacabras. He’s got charts and graphs and newspaper clippings. He’s got half a claw from one. Part of a wing from another. He’s got a paper mâché rendering from a Mexican Day of the Dead parade that’s so realistic, you can see where a real chupacabra once tried to mate with it.

It’s like I told you: My friend, Mario, knows some shit about chupacabras!

Like this: He knows there are fourteen chupacabras living in and near downtown Houston. He knows he has live digital trackers hooked into four. He knows they have three separate nests here and that you do not want to go anywhere near any of them if you can help it.

We always laugh at Mario when he says he knows things like that.

Now I’m thinking maybe we should not have laughed. We should not have laughed at Mario. We should not have poked fun. We should not have thrown rocks at his head.

Hindsight is 20/20, and we are doing what we can. We’re trying to make amends. We’re making all of the calls that we can make. We have called the hospitals, the shelters, and the morgues. Friends. Family members. Co-workers. His landlord.

I mean, he’s got to turn up somewhere. Right? Sanguinated OR exsanguinated, somewhere?

*           *           *           *           *

Last Sunday, under attack, I tried to phone Mario while I tried to run. I was leaving him an out-of-breath message about giant green, hairy dragonflies (“Four of ‘em, Mario! Four!”) when the first proboscis drilled into my right ear canal.

It came back out with a chunk of brain about the size of a cell phone.

I am pretty sure my last blog post was in there.

The good post, I mean.

The one you’ll never see now.

The second proboscis took a chunk of brain the size of a pill bottle, and that’s why I can no longer recognize the color orange or triangles and why I have lost all sense of rhythm.

The third proboscis went into my left ear, but everybody knows the left side of my brain tastes bad. The flock of chupacabras dropped me back on the pavement and went after some tastier prey.

They’d already gotten the best parts of me!

So if you see our friend Mario, tell him that I am sorry. Tell him that we are all sorry about the laughing and the poking fun, but especially about the rocks. Tell him we know we should have listened.

Tell him to please come back to us.

If you see Mario, tell him that “Lesbians in My Soup!”  can’t survive another attack of chupacabras. 


  1. "This is not the greatest post in the world, this is a tribute." Sorry, this reminded me of Tenacious D.
    Perhaps throwing stones at Mario was a little harsh, but as is claiming you can track the elusive Chupacabra. I mean, I am tracking three Sasquatches (Squatches) through an app on my phone--one of whom needs to lay off the fermented wild berries to alleviate her diarrhea--but tracking four Chupas is just nutty.
    I'm so glad you're back, I love your prose, don't stop writing.

    1. Thank you.
      I really didn't think I was going to end up posting anything today.
      Finally, I decided that the only way to get back up on the writing horse was to just get back up on the writing horse and write ANYTHING.
      It didn't have to be "King Lear" or "The Grapes of Wrath." It just had to be done.
      The next one should be easier. And better.

  2. How dare anyone imply chupacabras do not exist? Here's a bit of information for you. Ms Goatsucker exists. And she's angry.


    1. People can be cruel to each other in the face of new information.

      That's why I always carry some rocks and look for the weakest member of every crowd.

  3. "This is not the greatest blog post in the world. This is just a tribute. Couldn't remember the greatest post in the world, no, this is a tribute."

    You're not alone. Chupacabras ate my latest novel. I may need Mario's help. And his floppy disks. And a computer that can actually handle floppy disks.

    1. The only solution I've ever found is just to keep writing.

      Although now that you mention it, the floppy disk thing is becoming a bit of an issue. I have two complete novels and who knows how much else on floppy disks and no way to read them at this point.

      It's not going to get any easier in a year or two years.

    2. I lost three novels due to hard dri e failures and decided not to bother with it again. Alright. So I'm a quitter.

    3. I try and hit print from time to time these days.

      Of course, I burn through a computer every 15 months or so, so I've learned the hard way.

    4. Printing them would have been a good idea. I just have limited resources for paper and ink.

    5. Email your stuff to yourself or to me. It's a cheap back-up!

  4. Next time I find my son playing Mario Brothers I'll let Mario know.

    I had heard that chupacabras were in Fort Bend County but I didn't realize that they had migrated to Houston. It is rumored that to get your brains back from them you need to click your heels together three times saying, "There's no place like home. There's no place like home. There's no place like home.". That supposedly makes your brains return home where they belong. Don't quote me on that, though. Give it a try and let me know of it works.

    1. You have to just kind of expect that sort of thing in Fort Bend County, though. Also in Liberty County and some parts of Montgomery County like Cut 'n Shoot.

      Don't quote me on the Cut 'n Shoot part, actually. I just REALLY wanted an opportunity to mention Cut 'n Shoot, Texas.

      Downtown Houston is my Oz, complete with flying monkeys and poppy fields.

  5. You are lucky to have the foresight to chase Mario far a way from you!

    The CIA, FBI, DHS and NSA have confirmed Mario is the leader of the "Badstuff" cell. Their know numbers include chupacabras, sasquatches, floppy disks and Sarah Palin. Their stated mission is to kidnap women to perform a "Sexual Jihad" In Syria

    If Cal's idea does not work... call DHS ASAP

    1. It makes sense that if a white rabbit heads up the Goodstuff cell, a green chupacabra would head up the Badstuff cell.

      That sort of balances.

      "Sexual Jihad" was always my favorite Barry White song.

  6. I wouldn't have believed if you had said "dog ate my homework" but chupacabras totally believable because they are known to do that.

    We have a southindian dish called upma. And that is cooked when you have nothing and you are darn lazy but need to do cook or eat something. No veggies, no meat and no ingredients just semolina ie wheat grits , salt and water.

    Below are blog upmas.
    - post with YouTube links.
    - post about washedup celebrities like snooki, kardhshians
    - reposts
    - 7 eleven grocery lists.

    1. Yesterday - Dog ate my homework
    2. Today - my windows crashed, virus in my system
    3. Tomorrow - PRC China communism is under attack , icloud poofff.

    But forever Chupacabras excuse can never be questioned. You scored C- for being lazy with your posts but A+ for creative excuse and A++ for creative post about creative excuse.

    1. Haha. Blog Upmas is now going to be a phrase I use.

      It will be one of those things only a few readers understand.

      I try NOT to resort to typical blogging material, even when I am out of material. If this would have turned into a Miley Cyrus blog, i simply would have let it go another week.

    2. Err.... let me explain

      Miley Cyrus twerking Syria

      This colossal Upmas metablog features Miley Cyrus twerking

    3. You have a very different style to your blog than I have. Some things just would never work for me.

      An analysis of the cultural impact of Miley works for you beautifully.

    4. @goodstuff
      That was freaking hilarious and timing can't be anymore perfect. Good one :)

    5. Goodstuff has an amazing ability to tie any topic into the blog he just posted.

      I don't know whether there is some sort of psychic connection between the two of us that makes this possible, or whether he is sort of like the Kevin Bacon of the blogging universe, able to tie anything to himself in just a couple steps.

    6. @ meandmythinkingcap thanks

      It is some sort of psychic connection

      thinking with my morning coffee - how to tie chupacabras to the incredible bad news of last week - stay tune to this proboscis channel

  7. :) if your other readers can't understand you say blog macandcheese or roman noodles or something whatever is equivalent of that. :)
    This post totally twerked Katy so Miley - thanks.
    Don't worry too much about Mario, there is always mushrooms and they will see rainbows and colors by just sniffing them.

    1. I like throwing in a reference or two that no one is going to catch.

      The only thing better than that is when a reader THINKS I'm making an obscure reference that I never even meant to make.

      It's funny how those things work.

  8. This seems totally legit. It's also kind of made me want my 'thing' to be knowing a thing or two about chupacabras, just so people are like "Scarlett? Oh, she KNOWS things about chupacabras)... xx

    1. I don't know which would be cooler: a) being the gal who knows everything about chupacabras who everybody turns to when they need a sound byte, or b) being the gal who knows everything about chupacabras who won't share her knowledge. As though there is is this vast collection of Mystery Knowledge that the general public can't be told.

  9. This is the second time in two years that someone I know has brought up the chupacabra, and it's starting to creep me out.

    1. I am sorry that there are a few of us shaking you out of your comfortable little world. Your comfortable little world where there are no chupacabras killing people and stealing blog post ideas.

      You should trust the government, too!

      (Either that, or you just know some real nuts...)

    2. Really, it's just that I don't believe in coincidences. The fact that this keeps coming up means something.

      But what?!

    3. It means you should definitely take steps to hide your goats!

  10. I bet this is even better sober. Must come back tomorrow when I can root out the hidden message. You see my sister is visiting. When we visit each other we have a tradition of conducting a week long wine tasting. After the 2nd bottle of dry red I am not able to discern the hidden meaning. I can however recommend Bear boat Pinot Nior.

    1. I'm not sure this is any better sober. In fact, it's probably at its best if you're in such a mental state that you consider it YOUR fault if you aren't getting it.

      I'm kidding sorta.

      But it's a symptom of a weird summer. My head has been rearranging itself while I've been paying attention to other things. It's going to be interesting to see who I am when I come back.

    2. Sober tonight. Still no hidden meaning. I guess the literal meaning is Houston has some scary critters roaming the streets.

      When does the new season start?

    3. We're only 1/4 of the way through the season!

      But September has been... special. I basically chocked up September and am going to start fresh in October.

      With everything.

      If I was the star of "Doctor Who," this would have been the month when I regenerated into a different actor.

  11. Katy. Alice would not drink Colt 45 Malt liquor. Period. Maybe a sip of Mad Dog 20-20 if the Scotch bottle ran dry, but NEVER a Colt 45.

    How are the kids?

    1. The kids are great. They are around every other weekend and so far, I haven't broken any of them. Mostly because they haven't found my blog yet.

      The Alice thing might screw them up a little, though.

  12. I have been reading your posts, it's just am not able to comment thru my dumb phone. It's because it asks me to loggin to comment and when I do it seems the software programs argues amongst (yes I think amongst is still a word) themselves as to whether I can log in or whether I am already logged in. That pretty much requires a reboot or a fast flipper finger on the back button to try and outpace the argument pages being created.

    any who...

    I like the psychedelic sy-fi carnival theme with the photos. I guess their a stand in till we find some authenticated chupa photos.

    Contrary to popular belief (and the TV show Fringe) the brain can regenerate itself, so don't worry about those missing pieces.They'll grow back.

    It only ate a cellphone size piece of your brain; not your cellphone! So go back out there, tie a goat to a post, and get a photo of those feral rascals this time.

    1. Hi, Rob!

      Yeah, the best I can tell from the little reading I've done, the brain can manage a lot on a little. Even if part of it is damaged (in some cases, even if a whole hemisphere is removed!), it can shuffle things around to get done what needs to be done.

      There have even been extreme cases where people are basically lacking a brain - operating with just a brain stem - but successfully making it through school, work, etc. as though nothing was wrong.

      This is all good news, because I suspect I've burned out a good chunk of my brain over the years.


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