Tuesday, October 1, 2013

What's in the Box?

“Angela says Cameron Diaz’s head is in there.”

“Cameron Diaz’s head? Wow. And what do you say?”

“I say it’s a cat. But until we open up the-”

[Tongue clicking] “-It’s n-n-not a cat, Rachel!”

“You don’t know that, Angela.”

“Y-yes I DO. A c-c-cat would make noise like scrA-A-Atching and me-eO-O-W-”

“No, we don’t know until we open the box! Until then, the cat exists in a state of-”

“How is it one of my daughters is talking about an R-rated movie and the other one is talking about quantum physics? Can neither one of you just talk about something… age-appropriate? Justin Bieber or-?”


“That fat lady called 9-1-1.”

“No. Don’t call the fat lady fat, Rachel. Hey, Angela, look at this, Look at all the tadpoles here in this puddle… here… next to the curb here.”


“Okay then, the lady with the hairy face called 9-1-1.”

“Don’t call the hairy lady hairy, Rachel. You know better than that.”

“H-h-how many p-p-people ARE there staring at this STUPID box in the street, anyway? Let’s see: ONE!! TWO!!”

“Okay Mom, then this LOVELY LADY here called 9-1-1 cos she thinks AY-rabs left this box with a bomb in it in the middle of our street.”

“Arabs? This fat hairy bitch with the big mouth said that?”



“Sirens. There. You think they’re coming here?”

“God, I hope not.”

“EIGHT, N-N-NINE, TEN, ELEV-V-VEN! There are elev-ven people staring at this stupid box in the street.”

“We must be some bored ass people in this neighborhood.”

“Don’t call bored-ass people bored-ass, Rachel. It makes it look like lesbians can’t raise kids.”

“Th-th-the cop is number TWELVE! And you! B-b-bald guy? You are number TH-THIRTEEN!”

“Don’t call the bald guy bald, Angela.”

“B-but he IS bald!”

“Mom, why is that cop shining a flashlight on a box when it’s sunny outside?”

“You’re number F-FOURTEEN! And you in the rainbow shirt? You’re F-FIFTEEN!”


“Okay. I am officially done with this… Stay here. I’ll be right back. ”

“You going back insi- Ma? Um… um… I don’t think they want anyone gettin’ near the… The pig said…”

“Don’t call the pig a pig, Rach.”

“M-M-MO-OM! The box is going to blo-o-w! Mom!”

“Mom, they’re actually roping off the whole area-”


“We love you, Mom!





“Mom? Well?”


“Come have a look, Rachel.”

“Shelves? … Not even good shelves. Particle board shit.”

“Don’t call the shit shelves shit, Rachel.”

“B-b-boy, I b-bet you people all feel STUPID now!”

“C’mon, let’s go in… And Angela, it was Gwyneth Paltrow. Not Cameron Diaz.”

“Oh yeah! That old lady?”


“In that movie. The head in the box. It was Gwyneth Paltrow. And don’t call the old lady old, Rach.”

“At least it wasn’t some lame-ass shelves.”

“Yeah, but Kevin Spacey would have lived…”


  1. Everything in my life seems to be revolving around dystopian lit lately, since that's my most exciting class. Our professor says it's okay to call old things old, and hairy things hairy, and fat things fat. Because when we start saying the "follicully endowed senior citizen with an enlarged physical condition," that's when we cave to Big Brother.
    Rock on.

    1. I found this great dystopian novel a few years back called "Divided Kingdom" by Rupert Thompson. It's about a country that divides itself in four - by the personality type of its citizens.

      I think the idea is something to do with integration of different sides of oneself.

      Bald people know they're bald. NOT mentioning it does not mean they don't know. I don't care what people think about me or if I get beaten up for honesty. The kids, though, maybe they can be a little PC.

    2. Kids say the darndest things. Wasn't that an old Art Linkletter show in my youth? Anyway, kids can be mean sometimes but sometimes it's juse that they haven't learned to lie "correctly."

      When I was raising my son as a single dad, I gained a whole new perspective on life and on myself. I saw the hypocrisy that we don't even notice because we've been so conditioned to behaving in that manner. I've probably become overly honest as a result, but I always try to speak the truth or not say anything at all.

    3. "Learning How to Lie" would have been a much better title for this one, now that you mention it.

      It might be a handy exercise to have an 8 year old with me everywhere I go to use as a bullshit detector. After 8 they start to be really be conditioned to it.

      But just keeping the kids alive and healthy and all that jazz has always eaten up my time, and part of that has to be about giving them the tools they need to survive. Lies and social expectations are part of those tools!

    4. Truth, silence, or something you can genuinely complement someone on can work just as well as lies and social expectations. If she wants to point out bald people, teach her to tell them that they have that Captain Piccard look instead. Then maybe the bald people won't be so offended. Haha. Teaching them not to say anything is important too. There are some situations where it's better to remain silent than to say, "You don't sweat much for a fat girl."

    5. I don't get too worked up about ti so long as the kids aren't purposely trying to be mean. Usually a quick reminder is all they need.

      Actually, all I should probably have to do is to run through with them how many genetic issues they could be subject to, and how they could end up looking when they're 50, haha...

  2. the empty nest syndrome is a good thing
    "Children should neither be seen nor heard from... ever again!" - W C Fields

    "Forget the scary jack in the box JACK! The cat in the hat comes BACK!" - Bipole


    1. I am raising some weird kids. It's probably too late now to have them turn out normal, though. I mean, I was permanently weirded by the time I was their age.

  3. Are you sure that Gwyneth Paltrow and Cameron Diaz are two different people? I've never seen them in the same place at the same time. Also, I just realized, what kind of a name is Gwyneth? It hurts my tongue to say, like I have to manufacture a lisp to dare utter it. And yeah, how does your daughter know about Schrodinger's Cat? Is that one of those things that just pops up on the internet?

    1. The Schrodinger thing... I have no idea whether I am responsible for that or Dana is or school or the internet.

      Probably not school.

      Probably not Dana.

      My working hypothesis is that she's been getting into my books.

  4. If someone would bring me Gwenyth Paltrow's head in a box I would be forever grateful.


    1. I would ask what you would do with it, but... I won't.

      I've thought about keeping Rosario Dawson's head in a box. I wonder if it's like bamboo stalks, where if you put it in water fast enough it will regrow roots.

      Only one way to find out!

  5. I soooooo love this post. Your kids are awesome

    1. Hi, Brent!

      I like this one, too, although it seems to be going over like a lead balloon.

      I need to start getting my kids to proofread and rate these things.

    2. Clearly these children have been properly educated. Not even a Norwegian Death Metal reference would have improved their response. Don't worry about their lack of social skills. At their age it is expected. Their observational abilities will more than compensate for any short falls.

      You know you have to work boobs into the story to get any traffic. I always wondered what would happen if you re published James Thurber's short story "A unicorn in the Rose Garden" here? Would the references to a "booby hatch" garner any hits? Of course a recipe for roast duck breast would probably do just as well

    3. When I look at the keywords that have brought people to my site over the past 3 years, I notice something. Here:

      pierced nipples
      perfect face
      dna double helix
      miss tits
      lesbians in my soup
      sex histories
      anne ramsey

      I need to write more blog posts about Ann Ransey, who apparently has a larger online following than I would have ever believed. She's almost as popular as lesbians.

    4. OK fine I admit I had to Google Anne Ramsey. I knew the name but didn't know why

    5. Don't stay up all night googling pics of her.

      Or do. I don't care. Apparently, it will just wind up bringing you back to this page anyway.

  6. Dear Blog Owner,

    I stumbled upon this mommy blog looking for snickerdoodle recipes and instructions on how to make those little tissue paper ghosts you hang from trees. Instead, my precious little Brayden is now asking me, "What's a fat hairy bitch Arab?" And I told him, "Brayden, you do NOT say that nasty, hateful word in our house," but now all he wants to do is run around and say it like an inbred little parrot.

    So thank you for putting the word "Arab" in my son's vocabulary. I hope you're proud of yourself.

    Concerned Suburban Parent

    1. Dear Concerned Suburban Parent:

      Thank you for your letter. please tell your friends about your outrage. What i did was pretty outrageous, and someone should try and shut me down.

      This is the kind of controversy that could MAKE my blog!


  7. With the PC vocabulary in steady rise I think we may end up with one more English. American English, British English and PC English and in PC English every English word is a swear word. Fat, Muslim, Arab, gay, dwarf, black, barber etc., etc.,
    and I would like to second Jay's offer, if anyone could bring me Gwyneth Paltrow's head in a box I would sure reward them.

    1. That's an idea, but it could end up more like with Chinese: An inoffensive but sort of universal standard, a la Mandarin. All of the others - the regionalisms, the pijin offshoots, urban variations etc. - wouldn't be PC enough.

      I generally try not be be purposely offensive to anyone. Some people want to be offended, though - it's how they define themselves or something.

      I do okay.

    2. I always believe in removing screws in chairs than hurting someone verbally. Kidding.
      Seriously, sometimes this PC crap is going out of bounds and unless I keep checking urbandictionary on daily basis I wouldn't know what word to use. Especially for people like me who have to think in one language and speak or write in English after applying PC filter , it s like that gossip game, I might have intended to say something and end up conveying something else and I end up worrying a lot.
      Honestly you won't know hw any days I have spent wondering whether I had hurt someone with some word which I didn't intend to use. So, I try to extend the courtesy and even if someone intentionally did use I don't let it hurt me. Not just that I have thick skin but you can't let someone using some word hurt your life or even if miss dinner.
      I didn't have problem with Paula Deen using "n" word but still ave issue with Mr.zimmerman killing a teenager and labelled a hero and donated thousands of dollars and given freebies for speeding and not judged even after crashing ipad to erase evidence.
      If a fool uses words to hurt you, and if you get hurt you are the moron not him. It's hs shame and he doesn't deserve the satisfaction of having hurt you.

    3. I don't know much about the Paula Deen thing, but I do know that that particular word has had a complicated history in the States. Fr people older than me, it was sort of headed one way in the Seventies and then took a turn.

      Randy Newman recorded a song called "Good Old Boys" in 1974 that makes fun of Southerners and uses the song a couple dozen times. But a little Jewish guy couldn't have recorded that song 20 years later.

      I'm not smart enough to maneuver all this stuff. I am smart enough to avoid getting my ass kicked, though. Usually.

    4. remember the "racist" blogs we did a while back - we learn a lot...
      Did you back up the blog and comments?

      Paula Deen doing "Nuttin Butt Butter"


    5. I have backups of all the old blogs. I actually have them archived in a couple places online, too, although the pictures seem to have disappeared.

      I don't mind outraging people anymore. I don't try to, but it happens, and that's fine.

      Come to think of it, maybe I need to outrage people a little more often!

    6. I didn't try to explain what I meant to say - again. See, in India (evrytime I say this I feel like a Vietnam vet grandpa starting with in 19xx when we were in war) whenever you have crisis or issues like Indian army raping and killing the "chinkies" northeastern Indian commies and about Tamil genocide by
      SrIlankan govrrnment with aid from India they will always open up a dummy/irrelevant/ issue with Pakistan. Pakistan is their trump card convinent cop out for every problem in India.
      You have leaders openly exhibiting hatred and disgust over gays, abortion, slavery and everything and you give them "free speech" umbrella but an old lady says a "word" in unfortunate situation and you ostracise and label her because she is your easy target. This whole PC thing is USA's Pakistan a cop out for everything.
      words don't kill people Katy but guns and biased laws do and protect those who do those but they are heroes because they "followed" the laws.

      Entire Zimmerman trial is a big joke.

      A couchpotato with gun is a hero and a teenager who can't carry guns by law has no right to defend. And yes gun is for protection against sidewalks and hands weapons. Seriously?

      And next time for trials we all should use animation as evidence, I would totally animate Jesus and his rays shining on me and asking me to kill in godly voice. But mayn't work for me - I am brown. :(

    7. It's the oldest trick in the book, and God knows the US has used 9/11 for every damn excuse over the past 12 years.

      Because of 9/11, we needed a bunch of "anti-terror" laws that have mostly been used to arrest kids for smoking pot.

      The power of fear is an amazing thing.

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    1. You're thinking that something about "Lesbians in My Soup" is going to help you sell shoes?

      If you find anything here that helps, give me a heads-up. But just off the top of my head, I have only one piece of advice: People love chupacabras!

    2. the puppy chupacabras ate my flip flops

    3. If I have a deluge of spam comments, does that mean my blog has finally made it?

  9. Where is the old blog or the old post you are talking about? Do you have the link?
    if I could request don't stop to share your opinions for the fear of offending someone. I have changed couple of my own perceptions after reading some of your posts. It is always good to read a unpopular opinion maybe sometimes wrong still good to get a different perspective.

    1. GOODSTUFF and I were on a site called Multiply years back - along with quite a few others who haunt my page. The page closed down and my blogs were zapped into nonexistence. I have pieces of them that I kept so I can use them in a pinch if I ever am desperate for material here.

      Someday I'll link to them. They're not in good enough shape for me to feel good about them now.


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