Saturday, November 23, 2013

Lou Reed is the Answer

(A Play in One Act)

Curtain opens, revealing KATY and DOCTOR BELLOQ naked on a queen-sized bed. They are both drunk or stoned or tired or horny, or (more likely) some combination of all four. Books and compact discs are strewn across the queen-sized bed, on the nightstand next to the queen-sized bed, and on the floor all around the queen-sized bed.

A clock on the nightstand reads '10:08 P.M.'

A phone rings. The ring tone is the Velvet Underground song, ‘Sister Ray.’

The ringing of the phone makes KATY jump. She searches for the phone. She finds the phone and rubs her eyes to read the caller I.D.

KATY:             Oh shit. It’s Dana. It’s my ex. I have the girls this weekend. I have to answer this.

KATY slaps at her cheeks to sober herself up. She answers the phone on speaker mode.

KATY:             […]

DANA:            Hello?

KATY:             (suddenly and with an excess of bluster) Hello-o-o-o!

DOCTOR BELLOQ scrunches up her face and points downward, indicating that KATY should take it down a notch.

DANA:            Um, are you okay? Can you talk?

KATY:             (groggily, head bobbing, apparently falling asleep again already) Uh huh.

DANA:            O-o-o-okay… Well, I was calling about Angela’s science project.

KATY:             Angela’s science project.


DANA:            Yes.

KATY:             Of course! Angela’s science project. It’s done.

DANA:            That’s great, ‘cause it’s due in the morning.

KATY:             Yeah. Yeah. She was finishing it up and testing it out when I got home from work tonight.

DANA:            That’s great!

KATY:             Yep.

DOCTOR BELLOQ gives KATY a thumbs-up of approval before passing back out.

KATY also appears to pass out.

DANA:            Okay. So-o-o… What did she end up doing for her project? What was it?

KATY and DOCTOR BELLOQ remain passed out on the queen-sized bed.

DANA:            Hello?

Long pause.

DANA:            (much louder now) Hello? Katy? What was it?

KATY:             (snapping out of her stupor suddenly) Oh, you know… Um, Lou Reed!

DANA:            (pause)Angela’s science project was Lou Reed?

DOCTOR BELLOQ waves her hands at KATY desperately, mouthing the word “No.”

KATY:             (shrugging at DOCTOR BELLOQ, shaking her head) Yeah.

DANA:            (exhaling loudly into phone) How is… How is Lou Reed a science project, Katy?

KATY:             Oh, you know…

DANA:            No, I don’t know, Katy.

KATY:             You know… She got, like, a leather jacket… and a pair of wings, and…

DANA:            What was the experiment part?

KATY:             The wings…

DOCTOR BELLOQ finds a compact disc on the bed and shows it to KATY.

KATY:          …and ‘Metal Machine Music.‘Metal Machine Music’  was pretty experimental.

The sound of DANA sucking at her teeth can be heard through the phone.

DANA:        And what was the idea or the question behind this project? What was the problem that Angela’s science project was seeking to answer or solve?

KATY:             You know… If it is possible to do that?

DANA:            (pause) You mean is it possible for her to wear a leather jacket and wings.

KATY:             Yes. That.

DANA:            And what was her conclusion?

KATY:             It’s possible!

DANA:            (sucking at her teeth again) Well, that’s… That’s a bold step forward for science, Katy. I’m glad that you-

KATY:             (interrupting and raising a fist in victory) Go science!

KATY hangs the phone up on DANA.

KATY:             Okay! I think that went well.

DOCTOR BELLOQ opens her eyes again, looks around groggily.

DOCTOR BELLOQ:             Kates, I just had this weird-ass dream that your ex called you about some science project.

KATY passes out, falls over onto her pillow.

DOCTOR BELLOQ shrugs, rolls over, and falls asleep.



  1. Replies
    1. Plus, I'm relatively certain I wasn't acting any weirder on the phone there than I normally do...

  2. Replies
    1. Doctor Belloq will get me out of any mess I can get myself into! I don't even have to try and be careful anymore...

  3. Replies
    1. Hi, Will!

      I think I have faked my way through so much crap over the years that I have overestimated my ability to talk through any situation, especially when chemically hamstrung. Or maybe my talent for talking whilst chemically hamstrung has faded through lack of use.

  4. oops - a great Sunday morning thing going on...

    Jackie is just speeding away
    Thought she was James Dean for a day
    Then I guess she had to crash
    Valium would have helped that bash
    She said, hey babe, take a walk on the wild side
    I said, hey honey, take a walk on the wild side
    And the colored girls say

    Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo
    Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo
    Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo
    Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo
    Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo
    Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo
    Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo...

    1. You know… She got, like, a leather jacket… and a pair of wings, and…

      been down this road before. problem is there are just too many forks

      duality of life - sugar and spice (and everything nice)

      victoria secret runway models do leather and wings

    2. The thing is, I can't recall Lou Reed ever wearing wings, so I'm not sure why that part popped into my mind. Although he did die recently, so maybe I was thinking "Lou is an angel now..."

      I'm not sure that telling my ex that our pre-teen daughter was dressing up like a Victoria Secret runway model would have been better than what I came up with... although it couldn't have been much worse, especially if said coherently.

    3. linking to your old stuff - My Thank-You Gift to You

      The project for this week is "Black Friday" - will not be asking for money or bitcoins - just trading links - all black and white stuff - promoting mine and blogging friends stuff - thinking outside the box...

    4. My stats show that your blog is one of the places I always get the most incoming traffic. Well, something called "" is number one right now, but I suspect that's spam.

      Thanksgiving week is always pretty dead.

    5. super dead... however, I departed for the popular path and found myself all alone in the thanksgiving blogging world

      but, it was fun to build. That should count for some thing

      Have a good one Kid

    6. Blogs are not bananas. They do not go bad if left on the shelf for a week.

  5. Wonder if it's possible to do a science project on whether it's possible to get a naked drunk sleeping woman to talk coherently on the phone about her daughter's science project.

    1. A MUCH better science project would have been, "Why didn't Katy simply say that she was tired and would talk about it tomorrow?"

      As it turns out, stream of consciousness while in that state goes badly!

  6. All I learned about in science class was positrons and protons and protoplasms and all kinds of other useless p-words that will never help me in daily life. If I learned Lou Reed, I might have more of an interest in science. Maybe.

    1. And in my defense, if you could have put Lou Reed's blood under a microscope in, like, 1972, it would have probably answered a lot of the lingering mysteries in chemistry.

  7. Do the have a Social Services in Texas? Do they know about your blog? Exactly how good is the amazing Belloq at getting you out of trouble? Tune in for our next episode to find out ...

    1. I really should point out that Angela's science project was done when this phone call took place, and it had nothing to do with Lou Reed... or wings. I just didn't know anything about it.

    2. I had no doubt that you were a good mother. In fact, you're probably better than most. It is quite clear that if you suffer from anything, it's an excess of caring, not a lack of it.

    3. I think I'm probably a better mom than I am a person. Which is fine, because people are overrated.

  8. If you were so messed up that you'd claim Lou Reed as a science project not involving reanimation, how do you remember what Dana said? Is this a Twin Peaks situation where (spoilers for a 20 year old show) it's all in the head of a special needs child?

    1. I hope that is not a reference to the last episode of "St. Elsewhere," which I am only a few hours away from finally seeing after all of these years.

      I have reconstructed this conversation as well as I can. I never did reconstruct the night (several years ago) where Dana said I talked to her FOR TWO HOURS about why the male seahorse should really be called "the female."

      I think I would have liked to have heard that talk, though...

  9. Replies
    1. That line won out narrowly to "Yeah, science, bitch!"

      Mostly because I couldn't remember whether or not Dana watched "Breaking Bad." Calling Dana a bitch would bode way worse than simply being inebriated on a school night.

    2. See? Not all of my decisions are the worst possible ones!

  10. lol... I think we've all been here at one point or another, trying to fake coherence when really, really, really inebriated...
    One day maybe we'll learn to just not answer and deal with the consequences in the morning...

    1. And every time, I think, "I've got this! How hard could it be?"

      I came close this time.

      Next time! Next time I just leave out the Lou Reed references...

  11. Wait... fuck what I said before... if we didn't answer the phone I wouldn't have awesome blog posts to read!!!!

    1. Or, if I'm going to do stupid crap, I might at least be smart enough not to post stuff on my blog that could end up being used in custody hearings later on...

    2. Uh oh... Tell me she doesn`t know about the blog! (I want to keep reading tasty tidbits.. :D )

    3. I'd have to be a COMPLETE IDIOT to allow anyone I know to find out about this blog...

      Wait... I'd have to be a complete idiot to allow anyone I know to find out about this blog!


  12. I wonder if NASA is working on any cool Lou Reed projects.

    1. This is where a lesser wit would make some sort of "Satellite of Love" reference.

  13. Awkward, scary…but very funny! I've been in quite a few of those moments, minus the kid part though. Great dialogue!

    1. Haha... Yeah, the kid part is what really makes me wince about the whole thing. Everybody survived this time, though, so no reason to improve my behavior, huh?

  14. Leather and wings sounds a lot like a couple of weekends I have no memory of. And Lou Reed is indeed the answer.

    1. When in doubt, always say, "Lou Reed."

      That has never led me wrong yet!

  15. Katy. Don't you just hate it when an ex sucks her teeth at you? Worse than eye-rolling and tsking combined. Mother sucked her teeth at me when I was a kid, and now that she's in the home for the demented, I hardly miss her.

    As for the Lou Reed dealio, I defy anyone to tell me he wasn't a science project.

    1. I mean, what is wrong with my ex, anyway? There I was, drunk and stoned out of my gourd, in bed with a woman I'm not married to, unable to complete a damn sentence, and all she's worried about is a stupid science project?
      What kind of parent IS she, anyway?

  16. I think Lou Reed got his wings now....

  17. You're just encouraging my bad behavior!

    But yes... As to whether they are fluffy white wings or pointy black wings, I will not speculate...


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