Sunday, November 3, 2013

Fauna of East Montrose

I have known some miracle women in my life. Charismatic angels. Blazing, implausible geniuses. Women who by their mere presence in a room would make the whole world revolve around them. Without even trying. Like some accidental axis.

Some of these women have let me get to know them. A few have stuck around for long enough to get to know me. Days, months, a couple for years.

I don’t know why.

And this isn’t me being falsely modest. I really do not know why they hung around for as long as what they did. I do not know what they saw in me while they saw it in me.

I could tell you about Crank, who taught me most of what I know and had bolts of electricity shooting through her veins. Crank could stand out in the street and lean back her head and close her eyes and she could tell you everything that was going on in the whole city, and where.

There was Jeanah who radiated sex and Ruby who radiated love. Dana, who knew no fear, even in the face of my legendary freak-outs.

Perfect Charley who was so physically intimidating that I never learned to talk right when she was around. Astrid – yes, I even knew a girl named Astrid! – who had this freckle on a sensitive spot on her left hip that still haunts me after all these years.

Lisa who attracted birds and Nathalie who had a photographic memory and Cindy who possessed perfect judgment… except when it came to me. There was Diane who could fix anything with just a paperclip and some string. Barbara who always made it rain.

And Casey, well, there was Casey whose gift was that she could lift up anything. People. Cars. The corner of that trailer she lived in. There were no limits with Casey. It didn’t matter what it was, she could lift it. So whatever you might be thinking of daring Casey to lift, do not put money against her, buddy, or I can promise you you are going to be out the cash.

Sometimes I wonder what Casey is lifting now…

But now there is Belloq who is a force of nature. Belloq who is a tornado and a monsoon and a tsunami all rolled into one. Belloq who is pure energy. Belloq who jets around the globe looking for treasures. Belloq who thinks that I’m the fascinating one.

There’s Belloq who is going to hurt like a son of a bitch one day, but what a ride!

What did any these women ever believe I had to offer them?

I really wish I knew, because whatever it is, I’d like to do that some more.

Was it my crazy eyes? My hands that are always shaking? My habit of flying off the handle when staying on the handle would do just fine?

Was it my complete and utter lack of upward mobility despite some waning sense of future potential?

Was it my van?

I can tell a story. I can tell a joke.

I can talk for hours about the fauna of east Montrose. About the red-crested horny hookers of Crocker Street. The three-banded black bums of Richmond Ave. I can tell you the best spots in town to go dumpster diving and which restaurants will poison you like a rat if you ever try.

I can take you to this spot downtown at night where we can climb up a fire escape. From the top of the tower, we can look out at the cityscape from one side and we can look down at a brothel from the other. I’m good either way, so I’ll leave it up to you to decide which.

But could that – could any of that – be what keeps the miracle women around when the miracle women stick around?

I ask you: How did a spaz like me get so blessed?


  1. I often wonder the same thing about the women in my life. Then I just hope they never meet, because there would be a LOT of angry girlfriends.

    (I keed)

    Casey can lift anything, but can she lift my spirits? Can she lift the veil of naivety from my eyes? And most importantly, can she lift this steel girder off of my legs? I've been laying here in this abandoned building for the better part of 4 hours, and maybe it's just the mice nibbling on my toe-stumps, but it's not all that comfortable.

    1. Casey could totally lift that steel girder.

      She's not a big fan of men, though.

      Plus, as long as you're stuck there like that, she's probably using you as zombie bait.

  2. you are very blessed. yes. i'm grateful you have the good people in your life. i love you too xo

    1. I hope I appreciate the good things in my life for as long as they are in my life... I try.

      I've never met you, but as far as I can tell, you're one of those women that things happen around. You now, amazing things in amazing ways. Things that don't happen to average people.

  3. Okkk.. Why don't you arrange an intervention and ask them yourself? Kidding. :)
    I don't know about lawyer who doesn't believe in degree Katy but as for as cyber Katy is concerned, you are cool and you have fair opinions and you seem to have seen a lot in life and do have a very fair view about people and world. So, if you could clone yourself wait not cloneif you could do a manclone yourself I would definitely go out with him ie you no mean manclone of you :)
    And you are pretty poetic and your works are pretty dreamy and you sound/come off like a intellect and I really respect and like people who are smart and courageous and down to earth.
    So next time you write this article, I need a mention too, your man-clone fan :)

    1. Thank you :)

      I have met some fantastic people through this blog, and I need to acknowledge that sometime. It's bizarre how many cool people stop by here for reasons I cannot explain or understand.

      It's not the poetic thing. I am suspicious of poets and I try to keep that shit to a bare minimum!

  4. I am not sure if I'm qualified to comment on this Wonder Woman post

    My track record with amazing woman is below par. I all ways seem to get stupefied by fascinating women and then they take more than my breath away

    Moreover, more than a few feminist have called me a misogynist because of my constant objectification of women in my blogs. Here is an example...

    Goodstuff Bonding with Wonder Woman

    1. I understand. Finding pictures for this one ended up taking longer than writing it for that same reason.

      My first go-around with it, I had pictures of a bunch of semi-clad babes. I decided that might conflict with my overall message, and reconsidered. I saved the pics, though, so sooner or later, there's gonna be a post with a lot of nipples.

  5. There is no hope for these people. You are but a siren, singing your song and these poor poor mariners are drawn to it and you, only to have their ships crushed on the rocks that apparently are your less savory personality quirks. Sigh, do I have to give you what you want now, the compliments on how great you obviously are because you are able to engender such relationships? Fine. You get to have these great relationships because you are good on your side of the relationship as well. Just because some relationships end doesn't mean you are the poison. Sometimes relationships run a course. And it's natural to turn in on ourselves to place blame, but self-loathing aside, it sounds like you're good at relationshiping (not a word, but I trademark it now, it's mine).
    Also, what does "Barbara who always made it rain" mean? Did she just walk around throwing money?

    1. "Barbara who always made it rain" appeared to... make it rain. I only met her maybe a half dozen times, and it was storming every single time. It was a little bit weird. Houston ain't Seattle.

      Halfway through looking for pics for this post, I started thinking maybe the OTHER women were the sirens. I mean, they've accomplished all sorts of things, but I get distracted by THEM. Who knows where I'd be if only they hadn't distracted me!

  6. I get this feeling, that you're your own kind of awesome, and that's why these interesting women gravitate toward you.

    You can stand on your tower, watching the city on one side, or stand there watching the brothel on the other, It's probably the company right there in the middle, that makes the place so cool? :)

    1. You've clearly never looked into the windows of a brothel, or escort service, or... I'm not sure what it is, actually. Maybe it's just a hotel that happens to get a lot of couples with big age differences.

      Come to think of it, maybe I shouldn't be admitting this. I sound a little creepy.

  7. I could start with "You're not a 'spaz', Katy', or 'You have a lot of talent, intelligence, etc., etc.' - or some such pandering. But I won't. Deep down, you know that anyway.

    It's all right to have second-thoughts and self-doubts. Humble people always have 'em. Hell, *I* have 'em, and I'm the least-humble person in North America. Just ask my ex-wife.


    I won't go there. I will, however say this - this next quote from your piece - I've a comment on it:

    " I can talk for hours about the fauna of east Montrose. About the red-crested horny hookers of Crocker Street. The three-banded black bums of Richmond Ave. I can tell you the best spots in town to go dumpster diving and which restaurants will poison you like a rat if you ever try.

    I can take you to this spot downtown at night where we can climb up a fire escape. From the top of the tower, we can look out at the cityscape from one side and we can look down at a brothel from the other. I’m good either way, so I’ll leave it up to you to decide which.

    This - well, this is Writing, with a capital "W".

    Damn, girl.

    You're good.

    1. I know what i like about myself, but those things don't necessarily make me somebody that anybody else would want to be around. in fact, the things I like about myself make me less than a great catch...

      Regardless, there ARE a couple decent lines in this post, but I was worried about posting it. I don't like posting lines that seem like I was TRYING to write a good line. I try every time, but I prefer to leave out the stuff that looks like me TRYING to be clever. I don't know how to explain that any better.

    2. For what it's worth, I didn't take *any* of this as 'Katy's-trying-too-hard'.

      And, I believe we've both agreed in the past that there's nothing wrong with being like Dr. Farnsworth (who had many of the same qualities; contracted Mies van der Rohe to build the best example of modernist residential architecture in America, chased off intruders with her shotgun, and in the sunset of her life wound up in Italy translating Renaissance poetry.)

      Besides, I think you'd look pretty hot with a shotgun. Just sayin'.....

    3. Good. It's easy to sound pretentious. It's taken me YEARS to figure out how to make even my most pretentious BS sound more or less natural.

      Probably should have only taken months, but I can be a slow learner at times.

      By the time I'm 50, my writing will come across like a semi-literate, borderline slow third grader, but it will contain all sorts of nifty stuff.

      I hope.

      I mean, at a certain point, my brain is bound to start actually deteriorating....

      I'm not sure what age that happens.

  8. I would say it's probably because you're a pretty freaking awesome chick. You should teach a class at community college on how to attract other awesome chicks. I would totally take that class.

    And yes I know that the first class would be to begin by not calling women "chicks." haha

    - Jay

    1. I know! "Chicks" isn't PC anymore, I guess.

      Can't call 'em "babes" or "broads," either. Even "ladies" can sound a little creepy (Why, hello there, ladies!")...

      It's like these bitches just can't take a compliment...

  9. "I can take you to this spot downtown at night where we can climb up a fire escape. From the top of the tower, we can look out at the cityscape from one side and we can look down at a brothel from the other. I’m good either way, so I’ll leave it up to you to decide which."

    That sort of thing works for a whole bunch of people. You'd be surprised.

    Oh, I know a girl named Astrid too. Probably not the same one but still, there can't be THAT many out there.

    Oh, and I also do that thing where I wonder what anybody sees in me beyond shared circumstances and some momentum. And then I do a perfectly reasonable tabulation of my pros and cons and find that there are actually a few pros...but then I wonder anyway. I think it's just something that some people do.

    1. Most of my favorite things are pretty solitary activities. I rarely get bored, but I'm not always a lot of fun to be around.

      I guess my target audience is not very large!

  10. Don't we all feel this way at one point or another? In awe of the amazing people around us?
    Maybe they feel similarly about you?

    Think of it this way,... You not only draw those women back, but we your readers week after week... ;)
    Perhaps you don't give yourself enough credit.

    1. Thank you, Heather.

      Yeah, I know that people have different strengths. I want to do everything, though.

      Except sports and accounting. Those other people can have those things.

  11. Replies
    1. I will settle for "I am able to trick cool people into thinking I am cool, at least for short periods of time."

  12. I'll bet they feel just as blessed to have been involved with you as you are them.

    1. For short periods of time, it seems. And from a distance.

      Which is better than nothing!

  13. This post is awesome. Also? Kind of like an "impostor's syndrome" thing but with dating...

    1. Maybe the cycle of imposter syndrome is my problem!

      In grad school, they said that first year of grad school, everyone thinks, "These other people around me are so amazing, I don't belong here." By second year, everyone thinks, "I am so amazing, these other people around me don't belong here."

      That might explain my dating problems. I need to keep inferiority complex alive!

  14. I don't think you should question why they stuck around, just be glad that they did, and that they were them. If you get what I mean. 'Cos if I were to write a post about my exes it would just be a warped tale about psychos, fuckwits, killers(of the worst kind - true story), addicts and cheaters. And those are the good ones.

    1. I was having this conversation with someone the other day. I said that most of my friends have dated a lot of crazed, jealous, overly-possessive psychos, but that I've been pretty lucky.

      My friend said, "There's always a crazed, jealous, overly-possessive psycho in every relationship. If it's not the person you're dating, well, then You are the psycho."

      I'm afraid I might be the people you're talking about!

    2. Hahaha, so glad I came back too see if you'd replied.

      Because as a "friend" pointed out to me...."let's think about this Jane, what's the common denominator between these men".
      So either it's me that sent them that way (although not the killer, that happened long before I met him) or they are attracted to me because they recognise a kindred spirit, which considering the murderous one probably means that I should be VERY concerned. Or perhaps the people that piss me off should.

      Either way I think that might mean me, you and them are several of a kind. x

    3. I'm not going to worry about it, and you shouldn't either.

      And personally, I don't mind it if I am the crazy half of every relationship. I said to my ex who broke up with me last year, "I am sorry if you had a lousy 8 years. My 8 years were great, so thanks for that."

      With Doctor Belloq, I might have found someone who is as nuts as I am, so there seems to be a balance. We'll see.

      Otherwise... well, there ARE 3 billion-plus other women on the planet.

  15. I shared this on the book of face, but I now realize that you are not even on there. You are smart.

    1. It might be my only accomplishment of the decade, the thing I am most proud of. When I am an old woman, babbling to children at Christmas dinner, I will brag endlessly about how I always held out and never signed up for Facebook. This will be obvious, because I will be the only old person who ... Never mind, I will let you find out for yourself...


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