Saturday, December 20, 2014

Vagilante Justice

I would love to tell you, right at the top here, yeah, next year for me will be exotic and strange. That it will be filled with spaceships and travel and pussy. I would love to tell you that, but I believe – I really and deeply believe – that this would be telling only a half-truth.   

As you know – as anyone knows if they’ve met me or if they’ve talked to me or if they’ve been around someone who has met me or talked to me – mostly this year was about selling my television pilot. There were meetings. Promises made. Rewrites and dead ends and promises broken.

I’ve worked and I’ve waited and I’ve been quite patient while other shows – lesser shows – got green lit, got produced, got premiered and then got cancelled less than six episodes in.

Five years of my life and I know how that sounds. Everyone says I should quit! Real blood. Real sweat. Real tears… and nothing but nothing to show.

But next year is the year.

Really.

Next year is really the year when Vagilante Justice  comes to your t.v.

I am close, so close you would not believe me if I told you, but I am not there yet. I still need all the help you can muster.

So please tell your friends. Please tell your family. Tell your boss. Tell anyone who will listen about Vagilante Justice. Tell them it’s the perfect twist on the formulaic network crime drama.

Mystery and seduction. Crime and punishment. Fear and resolution. All in the space of one hour (or rather, forty-two minutes once you take out all the ads for erectile dysfunction and such).

Tell them it’s Law & Order meets Teeth (meets The Incredible Hulk meets Heartbreakers). Tell them “This Fall on CBS, Maddy Slaughter is taking a bite out of crime!”

You can even tell them Emma Roberts will be playing Maddy Slaughter because there’s a darn good chance that that is even true.

My vision for the series is so clear now. Not like before. It is precise. It is perfect. Each episode starts with a horrific crime. Dark alley leather gloves kind of a thing. A different generic American city landscape each week. And the victim is always blonde and the killer always impossible to identify in the night.

And the cops, they always know. Every time, they know. They say, “It’s Jimmy the Gimp done this!” or maybe “This is the m.o. of Johnny Ray Twotones,” but there is nothing that they can do beyond that, really.

Maybe they can find the guy but they can’t get the guy because (as the week’s lead detective inevitably says), “Criminal law in this town has got no teeth!”

Enter Maddy Slaughter.

Maddy Slaughter – once a fine and perfectly average young girl but for one thing – now roams the country from city to city to… what? She roams the country from city to city… solving crimes? in search of her mother’s killer? in search of a cure for her affliction? on the run? 

All of the above? Hmm…

All of the above, I should think. Maddy Slaughter roams the country. From city to city. Solving random crimes. In search of the man who killed her mother. The man who is also the only one who can cure her affliction. And always just one step ahead of the FBI agent pursuing her.

You see, poor Maddy Slaughter’s got teeth in her vagina. Teeth in her hooha! Vagina dentata. A full set of chompers, in fact.

So with Vagilante Justice, you don’t just ask “Who dunnit?”  but “How will Maddy seduce the baddy?” to boot. That’s something Law & Order never had. Two minutes ‘til credits and you get that look across the face of the killer. A look of shock a look of horror a look of pain.

Mystery and seduction. Crime and punishment. Fear and resolution. Maddy Slaughter is taking a bite out of crime. Again.

This shit writes itself and I bet we go sixteen seasons.

This is my life’s work. This is my labor of love. This is my contribution to the Universe. This is twenty-four fewer dicks in the world each season. This is not the stuff of legends but this is the stuff of cable t.v. marathons. This is Vagilante Justice and this is going to happen next year. I expect and I hope, anyway.

You can go and chew on that for a while…

39 comments:

  1. I have waited my whole life to hear someone say, vagilante justice.

    Thanks

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    Replies
    1. Clearly, I'm a visionary!

      Shakespeare never came up with this stuff...

      Delete
  2. Oh yeah, I'd watch this show. Screw "Dexter" and his serial killer vigilante shtick -- that's SO yawn inducing. The world is READY for vagilante justice via the legendary vagina dentata! Or at least my world is.

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    1. Dexter dropped his victims' bodies into the Atlantic, as I recall. Getting rid of the evidence in this case will be a much smaller job.

      And I promise MY protagonist won't end up as a lumberjack in the last episode.

      Delete
  3. Vagilante Justice... You see, poor Maddy Slaughter’s got teeth in her vagina. Teeth in her hooha! Vagina dentata. A full set of chompers, in fact. -- still laughing as I type this

    OUTSTANDING - So linking to this

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    1. It's a horrible, horrible idea for a crime drama and it HAD to be written.

      Delete
    2. Maddy Slaughter - http://i64.photobucket.com/albums/h194/GOODSTUFF1852/ozone_hole-1.gif

      Delete
    3. I could have found pictures for this post that were so much better than the oens I used.

      For instance: http://exorcisingdaemons.tumblr.com/post/105779033265

      Delete
  4. Awesome concept. To do it justice (pun intended) it has to air on HBO or Netflix. And you need a tag line, like "Vagilante Justice, taking a bite out of crime". Only better

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    1. The beauty of having it on network TV is that so much would need to be implied, and the ridiculously-long 24-episode seasons would make it repetitive to the point of absurdity.

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    2. Your point is well made. It is much better left to the imagination. Looking forward to the series opening party

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    3. Hi, Brent! Merry Christmas and all that good stuff. How's your ninja fighting going?

      Delete
  5. And the baddy who can cure her affliction is a...dentist? I think it ought to be a dentist.

    Also, you'll have to make sure Maddy doesn't let the baddy finger her before the Final Penetration. or else the teeth need to be retractable. Which would lead to changes in her pelvic anatomy like..

    You know, you really need to hire me as a technical consultant for this.

    And of course I *love* your fantasies. This isn't the most elaborate of them either.

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    1. Dentists DO make great villains... Plus, he might be gay, so that she has to put actual thought into her final revenge instead of taking him out like everyone else.

      I also considered having the teeth only happen when she's, um, finishing. But that made the post too long and made it appear I'd put way too much thought into a throwaway blog post.

      Hahaha...

      Delete
  6. Maddy is already my new heroine, and no episodes have even been made.

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    1. Hi there, Ted!

      You're a very lucky man to be able to say you knew the creator of Maddy Slaughter before all of my (impending) success.

      Delete
  7. I think it's brilliant, but can't help but wonder, wouldn't you notice something was off or maybe lose a finger or two while you were, well....laying down the groundwork?

    Now it also occurs to me, would Maddy need to floss down there?

    I suppose those are things you would probably clear up in character introduction over the first episode.

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    1. I'm going to run into a lot of these problems, I'm afraid. One problem is that I'm probably going to need to get at least one consultant who is, you know, heterosexual.

      Delete
    2. I'd volunteer, but frankly, I've been trying to figure those things out for more than the last 20 years.

      Delete
    3. Practice makes perfect. I mean, you even accidentally got your cow situation right this year, so there's hope!

      Delete
  8. I absolutely love this. It has everything I love in a TV show, including vagina dentata. Will you hire us to write your weekly blurbs?

    Next week on an all new Vagilante Justice, Maddy goes undercover to find a sexy Russian drug smuggler who's looking for drugs in ALL the wrong places. (TV-MA adult situations)

    Next week on an all new Vagilante Justice, Maddy uncovers evidence that could finally put Rosco and The Fat Man behind bars... FOR GOOD. But trouble arises when the captain takes her gun and her badge, leaving her with only her buns and her VAJ. (TV-MA language, violence)

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    1. I think you've just earned yourself the gig.

      Everything goes better with vagina dentata. Just take your favorite movie and add "with vagina dentata" to it and see if I'm not right.

      Delete
  9. First question, are they "Store Noughts,"? Second, can you get the maker to sponsor the show along with Fixadent? To attract the Patriots and Warmongers maybe you ought to give her Wooden Teeth. If they were good enough for George Washington, they are good enough for Maddy? Surely she has a clean and healthy vagina, so she must take then out for cleaning?? Bad guys or not I can't imagine anyone, criminal or admirer putting up with halatosis of her poontang. Forgive me but a vagina should by definition, smells wonderful. I think I'll make my next fortune by changing the smell of a new car to the "Scent of a Woman". Credit to All Pachino. Finally how is Maddy going to defend herself when she is brushing and flossing? Pease call on me for help with the screen writing. This is one subject I am familiar with and will be very grateful for additional imput,. We must establish OSHA guidelines for all partisipants if filmed in the US, Otherwise we should tent Boystown in Nuevo Larado, Maddy can wipe out the drug cartels and no longer will law abiding citizens have to worry about having their heads cut off. If she cuts off the little heads of the drug bosses, she'll eliminate the competition between cartel members fighting to become the next Big Head of the Organization.

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    1. I suppose I ought to research whether guys actually bleed to death if they get gnawed off.

      I suppose if they're criminals and unlikely to go to a hospital, they might.

      Research, research...

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  10. I am on board! I may actually watch it, complete with commercials and not pirate it...not that I pirate shows or anything. That would be wrong.
    Idea for season 2: She meets her match, a gynecologist murderer who used to be a dentist, "Gynodeathtist."

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    1. I really want Danny Trejo to play that part. Mostly because he ought to play every bad guy ever.

      Picture him saying, "Luke, I am your father."

      See?

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  11. I think I used to date the woman you based your main character on. "Snapper" and I got along swimmingly in almost every regard, but those kegels from hell could hurt a mere mortal. Told her so, too. An ill-timed sneeze would have been crippling, so I broke it off (so to speak).

    Maddy could use a sidekick for a companion and fellow sleuth. Perhaps a eunuch?

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    1. It is disconcerting how much everyone seems to relate with this blog post.

      Delete
  12. A gay dentist villain ... WHO HAS RABIES! This could go off the deep end quickly. Especially if you decide that the pilot should be a sci-fi musical with Busby Berkeley style water acrobatics and a side-plot involving a denture manufacturing plant run by communist lesbian bikers. Oh man, I want the poster!!!!

    - Sterno

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    1. Haha... Well, yeah, this could fly into Troma territory pretty quickly.

      I want to keep it as a bland Law & Order series but for the teeth aspect. That makes it way more deviant, somehow.

      Delete
  13. You have once again ignored the fact that I did treat you with respect and care for most of these eight years. But it has only lead to being lied to and betrayed and assaulted by you time and time again.

    And why are you arguing with me here, after I just called you a WHORE?!! Who is the pathetic one here?!!

    And do you actually think that I was trying to talk to you when I was telling to your face how big a fucking liar, whore, and criminal you had been in these eight years?!! No, you asshole, these were my INDICTMENT of you for the crimes you had committed against me in these eight years. This was the most I could do short of suing you in court or going public with your disgusting deeds.

    I didn't want to "talk" to you again, which I have finally realized after these eight years that it had only lead to more lies and more betrayals from you. Instead, I wanted you to rot in hell, and spend the rest of your life in sheer misery, all for how inhumanly you had treated me in these eight years.

    Jessica, you are not human, for a human would never do any of the disgusting things you did in the past 22 years. No human being, no woman, would fuck 25 to 40 other men in eight years, while stringing me along and extracting every ounce of love and care from me, while not even giving me her name or her truth, and then going crazy on me time and time again, in murdering what little love and care we had left and rebuilt in our relationship!!!

    Jessica, you are the scum of this earth!!! You are the Devil if there ever was one!!!

    No, I don't want to talk to you!! Not ever again!! I just want you to rot in hell and to pay for the crimes you have committed against me, for the eternity to come!

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    1. BTW, I will one of these days mail you a birthday card to your home, to prove to you how wrong and how big an ass you had been towards me!! Hope your fucking conscience, or whatever is left of it, wouldn't kill you the moment you open my card!

      YOU FUCKING WHORE !!!!!!!!!!!

      Delete
    2. I have to hand it to you: You are certainly committed to, well, whatever it is you believe you are doing here. I picture you like that character in "Se7en" that has thousands of handwritten notes about crazy religious theories.

      I hope you find whoever you're looking for, little anon.

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    3. I am fairly confident that most of your mouths are agape.

      Delete
    4. I WILL NEVER TALK TO YOUR WORTHLESS SOUL EVER AGAIN !!!!!

      Jessica, you bitch! I wish you are DEAD, now and forever !!! And it will still not heal the wound you have torn into my heart and soul, so I will have to kill myself in order to make this pain to end. You fucking whore, ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

      Delete
    5. I have showed amazing restraint in the face of daily threats, name-calling, and insults by you over a period of years. You should appreciate that. This is pretty much your last chance to wise up.

      Delete
  14. Hey! Merry Chris.....WHATTHEHOLYHELL

    I drop by to say Merry Christmas, and I'm commenting on a blog post about a vagina with fangs.

    My life is complete now.

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    1. It's a Christmas miracle.

      Merry Christmas to you, too, MSgt B.

      2015 is going to be fantastic. Trust me. More vaginal fangs than you can shake a stick at.

      Delete

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