Sunday, February 15, 2015

Phantom Fins of Pharmacology

What’s that? You say you’re scared? Of course you are scared.

We’re all scared. Every one of us is. Sure, we all sit around laughing but we’re terrified – trembling in our boots, really – and it all has to do with the fish.

And why wouldn’t we be scared of the fish?  I mean, just look at what we’ve been doing to them: Overfishing to the point of population depletion. Toxins in the waters. Dead oceanic zones. Dead delta zones. Generations of Bettas just flushed away by irresponsible first graders.

Try to imagine it!

Can you?


Well, it’s happening!

So you say you’re scared? Buddy, I say you’re not scared enough. Just how much more of this shit did you think the fish were going to put up with, anyway?

There were medications in the waters. Our medications: Our anti-depressants, painkillers, birth control. I read about it in the papers. See, all of us were taking our meds. Dutifully. Like the good little patients we were.

We were taking them and our bodies were breaking them down. Using what we needed and then pissing the rest away – literally! And it all wound up in the lakes and in the rivers and in the oceans.

In the end, it all wound up in the fish.

Wellbutrined walleyes and Xanaxed trout. Cialised catfish and Resperdaled bass. Our scientists looked and they saw it. They saw fat, infertile zombie-fish, floating around in circles, too stoned to care.

If only it had been so simple.

If only that had been the end of it, the fish could have just died away and you and I could have gone back home. Had a drink. Breathed our little sighs of relief. No more fear. No more guilt. No more worries of sharknados or other watery-gilled revenge.

If only…

But you weren’t just taking the happy pills, were you? You couldn’t stop there, with your Adderall and Ativan. Lunestra and Halcion. With your Zoloft and Lexapro and your Dexfenfluramine. Oh no.

See, what our scientists – wauking – light through the slats of the bench – crystals in the beard – roses ghalikdfb ajfn – Michael – Michael – mater madar madre mama

…Excuse me…

See, what our scientists didn’t know about was you and your Lysergic Acid Saturdays. Your Shrooming with Sean Sundays, Peyote Mondays and ayahuasca Tuesdays.

They didn’t know!

Oh, I don’t blame you, friend. Hell, I was right there next to you the whole time, lighting your bong for you.

But the fish. The fish!

They… evolved.

They were down there – swimming around in that psychedelic stew we’d created – and they evolved. Not with feet and tits and wings and hair. Evolution like Leary said. Like McKenna said. Like Huxley and Hoffmann and Wilson and Watts.

Intelligence increase…

Life extension...


Astral projection…

Mind control…

Infinite regress and genetic rewiring and the collective unconscious of the universe peeking in upon itself.

hsuB .W egroeG – “.yllufecaep tsixeoc nac hsif dna gnieb namuh eht wonk I”

The fish are coming. We pissed them into divinity and they’re coming and how scared are you now, friend?

Shhh! Did you hear that? Was that coming from out in the hall?

Now I’m hiding in my closet and I’ve got foil around my head. I’m trying not to breathe. I’m trying not to think. But the swishing and the flapping and the (what would otherwise be comedic) lip-popping is right outside the door now.

The door handle to this closet is turning now…

I for one welcome our new aquatic overlords.


“I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully.” – George W. Bush (really)


  1. Replies
    1. Save us, AquaWoman! Save us!

      I believe in "The Aquatic Ape Hypothesis"

    2. Aquaman has been laying low all these years, knowing that his moment to shine would come along eventually...

    3. Cialised catfish? No wonder I'm lasting longer and longer as time goes by.

    4. It could be that your memory is just getting shorter, Anon.

      Drink more water. There could be some Alzheimer's drugs in there!

  2. What me worry? NO... I know the secret! Music calms the psycho fish!

    To keep the masses of evolving fish and the freaky fishes with excess body hair in most private of places offshore, we serenade them with fish type lullabies... some examples

    The poot poot poot of the production platforms

    The Boom Boom Boom of seismic exploration airguns

    The wich wich wich of the oil pipelines

    The gur gur gur of drilling operations

    The thump thump thump of ships props

    Confirming the BIG cover up
    "We believe this creature, who some call Godzilla, is random result of nature evolution. There is no evidence to connect the Godzilla lizard to any potential radioactive emissions purportedly leaking from the Fukushima Daiichi reactors into Pacific Ocean."

    The Godzilla Lullabie is NSFW

    1. I find that there's rarely a problem that black metal music can't fix, actually. I might have even considered that, if only I'd known what I was writing about as this blog post was being born...

    2. Unlike a mermaid, Aquawoman evolved from absorbing medications and toxins in the offshore waters - A brilliant treatise about this concept

      Phantom Fins of Pharmacology
      (Also, explains why dogs like to drink toilet water)

    3. You didn't get a nudity warning letter from google, did you? I know you think things pretty much PG-13 over there, but a couple of my blogging friends got warned about the new rules this week.

      I don't want to lose my best source of incoming page views to my page!

  3. "I sent a message to the fish:
    I told them "This is what I wish."
    The little fishes of the sea
    They sent an answer back to me.
    The little fishes' answer was
    "We cannot do it, sir, because—"
    I sent to them again to say
    "It will be better to obey."
    The fishes answered, with a grin,
    "Why, what a temper you are in!"
    I told them once, I told them twice:
    They would not listen to advice.
    I took a kettle large and new,
    Fit for the deed I had to do.
    My heart went hop, my heart went
    I filled the kettle at the pump.
    Then some one came to me, and said,
    "The little fishes are in bed."
    I said to him, I said it plain,
    "Then you must wake them up again."
    I said it very loud and clear;
    I went and shouted in his ear.
    But he was very stiff and proud;
    He said, "You needn't shout so loud!"
    And he was very proud and stiff;
    He said, "I'd go and wake them, if—"
    I took a corkscrew from the shelf:
    I went to wake them up myself.
    And when I found the door was locked,
    I pulled and pushed, and kicked and
    And when I found the door was shut,
    I tried to turn the handle, but—"

    - Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"

    1. It sounds like this has been a problem for the two sides for a long, long time.

      It's actually sort of weird how many similar elements are in this post and that Carroll passage.

      I'll bet Lewis Carroll was stealing from me, again. Which way does time go?

  4. That hsuB .W egroeG fella is pretty stupid but he's no tseW eynaK. That guy's not only an idiot, he actually thinks he's some kind of suineg.

    tseW eynaK - ".hpargotua s’koob a tnaw reven dluow I .skoob fo naf a ton ma I"


    1. hsuB egroeG doesn't care about kcalb people!

      Years ago, I wrote a response blog to Kanye West's "Gold Digger" in which I explained to him that, in order for a man paying child support to suddenly discover that a kid is not his after all, he would have had to have been a complete moron at the time of the original support order.

      I even emailed it to his people, but they didn't respond.

      Which I guess is better than the guy rushing my glory every time something good happens to me to say that Beyonce did it better.

    2. Drinking beer in the shower is why sockeye salmon swim upstream...

      Epic Sapporo Beer Commercial
      This commercial (short film?) for Sapporo is just so astonishingly good

    3. I know some guys who drink beer in the shower. Or at least have a beer for the shower. The details are a little hazy, and I don't really need to know...

  5. Why do I feel higher than a fish drinking/breathing directly from Randy Quaid's urethra? I'm constantly afraid of ocean life. I barely want to dip a toe in the ocean or within 50 feet of the ocean for fear of what I cannot see that has the potential to murder me.

    1. I watched my dad step on a sting ray when I was a kid. It was the first time I'd ever seen him cry.

      I don't want to get stung by a sting ray.

  6. Gwyneth Paltrow tortures them with steam. Hopefully they will sate their salty lust for revenge on her.

    1. Wait... I thought that what Paltrow was torturing with steam was... was... Were you trying to post this on the previous post?

      I made a great fish taco joke this week while out to dinner with friends.

      I should write a blog post about THAT.

  7. Well...I claim ignorance...
    *Flushes evidence*

    1. By flushing it, you are just adding to the problem!

      The fish might be reading this blog right now... or reading your mind.

      Depending on what this blog was actually about. I'm still not quite sure...

    2. I admit nothing and deny everything...
      Also, some fish need a hook up, if you know what I mean...

    3. Every time I see your avatar, I forget it's a gif.

      Baker's smile shocks me each and every time.

  8. That's what we did back in the 60's 'n 70's. 'Better Living Through Chemistry' wotta' motto, eh? Apparently the fish have access to better drugs now than we did then and are much smarter. I mean, if they're taking over instead of dropping out. I clearly see the advantages to taking over. Now.
    It was a lovely little fish. and it went .... wherever I did go-oo

    1. Hey, they get all our drugs AND our mercury. Fair trade, huh?

      There was a guy in the Nineties named Terrence McKenna (dead of brain cancer now, alas) who had a theory about human evolution being spurred onward and upward by magic mushrooms. He thought mushroom spores had been released into space by aliens to spur evolution throughout the universe - or maybe that the mushroom spores were themselves aliens.

      So this is pretty much McKenna territory.

    2. I read where listening to Queen causes cancer, if done to excess, due to the high mercury content.Sounds like Mooner's Gram and all her mushroom based concocktails. I sucked a few cactus buds and flipped over more'n a few cow patties in my younger days. yeah ... I always felt like an alien so he may be right.

    3. I feel like an alien every day. Even stone cold sober.

    4. Happy Chinese New Year
      LOL - year of the goat

      I feel like an alien every day.

    5. Are we two and half months off from China?

  9. Shit. I am in big trouble. I had sushi for lunch

    1. If you bought it at a grocery store, you're probably in big trouble regardless of the mood of the fish.

    2. But Kroger promised the fish was fresh! On the upside, between the Prozac, Viagra and Ridilan in the fish, I was happy, focused and had an erection all afternoon.

    3. A few years ago, there was a story about Jeremy Piven, who's an actor I guess best known for "Entourage" (he's one of those "recognize him when you see him" actors). Anyway, he was eating grocery store sushi for every meal, and later claimed that the mercury content was so high that it built up in his body until he was unable to memorize his acting lines.

      I'm not sure how he cured the brain damage, or how anyone would know he had...

  10. Off topic -

    Dangerous Minds needs more bloggers.

    We’re looking for people who know how to produce highly appealing packages of information, art and fascinating things from all parts of the Internet.

    LOL - "We are not looking for any political writers. Forget it. We’re never going to hire a “conservative” so get over it." - Dangerous Minds

    1. Fantastic web site. I won't be joining them. Other people should, though!

  11. It was always going to be either the fish or the cats. I'm almost relieved.

    1. But think of all the great gifs we'd get out of a Cat Oligarchy. Plus cats are sort of laissez faire.

  12. When our guppie overlords take over, will there we amnesty for those of us who have a long, detailed history of bluegill consumption? Or will I be considered a War Criminal guilty of crimes against fish-manity?

    I should get in contact with Dick Cheney to see how one avoids prosecution.

    1. Waterboarding probably won't work as a tactic against the fish.

  13. You always make me laugh at the most inappropriate things. I can just imagine the gathering at the discharge pipe, all the little fishies jonesing for a fix.

    1. Hi, Thurman!

      Yes, this is the most ridiculous post I've written in some time, and that's saying something, in light of "I Left Her for a Concrete Garden Gnome." Someday, these blogs are going to be Exhibit A in my administrative hearing for Social Security mental disability benefits...

  14. But what about electric eels? They're already turned on. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I'm sorry, Katy, you must excuse me. I was force fed Schlitz Malt Liquor as a child and also had to juggle bathtubs with my feet when I insisted that electric eels were already turned on. And then I had a ... had a ... uh ... what were we talking about?

    1. I'm not entirely sure, but this appears to be the most appropriate response to the blog so far.

  15. Katy. Folks seem to think this fish takeover is a bad thing. I think fish might be on a fast track to a better tomorrow. Food for Industry, food for thought.

    Which reminds me. I once met a man with webbed toes--true story--who said his daddy was a catfish. When I asked him why webbed toes, rather than long and slimy whiskers or a floppy tail or even a spike on the back of his head, the man coughed up a giant, green hocker, spit it on the wall of the liquor store whereat we stood, and said, "Got my daddy's eyes."

    Man did have dark, black eyes behind lids looked like they were made of fat natural rubber bands.

    This was down to Houston and there to Montrose at a convenience store that was, in the 1960's near to the Alabama theater and next to the boozery. Maybe all are still there.

    We were headed to see Fantasia--heads full of Sunshine--and stopped for a giant bag of Cheetos to sneak into the Bama.

    Then, again, maybe I dreampt it all. Fuck Walmart!

    1. The Alabama Theater turned into a bookstore for many years and now it's a Trader Joe's. The River Oaks Theater, which was just around the corner from there, is still around, though. It might even be showing Fantasia.


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