Saturday, September 19, 2015

Jet Fuel Can't Melt Steel Beams

Even though I know I shouldn’t, I’ve started to worry about what my next girlfriend is going to like about me.

You know, like if she’s telling her friends about me, what is she going to lead with?

And even though I know I shouldn’t, I have started to map out how I can sell myself – metaphorically speaking sell myself – to this hypothetical future girlfriend and to her friends and her family.

Like maybe I could learn to speak Russian or read all twelve volumes of Frazer’s The Golden Bough. Or I could become an explosives expert who makes really artsy prosthetic limbs for disabled Vets in her spare time.

I mean, could that work? Is that even in the right ballpark? Would that send my hypothetical future girlfriend twirling around her house with stars in her eyes, gushing over how she’s met this well-read, Russian-speaking, philanthropic demolition chick?

Between you and me, I don’t think I’m going to learn Russian because to learn Russian, it would have to be a priority, and to be a priority I’d have to really want to impress this hypothetical future girlfriend, and to really want to impress this hypothetical future girlfriend, I’d have to feel some kind of deep dissatisfaction with my current state of being alone.

And I don’t.

Although maybe learning Russian would be its own reward.

So don’t mind me. In fact, forget that I mentioned it. These are just the sorts of games that my head starts to play when I go a long time without dating or sex.

49 comments:

  1. I think that you should make a set of huge dildo nunchuks and fight crime. That would impress anyone.

    That's what you get for posting the gif.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Hold up. Aren't you off-grid somewhere running on coconut-powered appliances?

      You should be putting your internet access to much better use than reading my blog.

      I mean, at this rate, you're going to run out of coconuts.

      Delete
  2. You could become the new Korean speaking viral internet Cosplay chick

    Learn Korean in 15 minutes
    http://imgur.com/user/GOODSTUFF4u/favorites/uXucq

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Yeah, I might have that sort of dedication to learning a language.

      The kind of dedication you can, you know, tape up on the mirror for while you're brushing your teeth.

      I mean, I still have the attention span to read a book, so I probably have the attaention span for that, too.

      Delete
  3. Perhaps you should set your sights on a young eunich this time. It's said they make great sex slaves, clean,cook, and like dressing up like Barbie. If you train one right it can be win win for you. Expectations would be a one way thing and they set it the corner when not in use. What could better?

    ReplyDelete
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    1. If they can bring the remote for the tv over to me when I accidentally leave it in the kitchen, I'm sold.

      Delete
    2. They actually have an area where a remote can be surgically implanted.

      Delete
    3. So much better than an average, gender binary person, then.

      Now if you can tell me they won;'t notice when I sit around in my pyjamas all day watching TV instead of cleaning, I'm sold.

      Delete
  4. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  5. This comment has been removed by the author.

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    1. I'd like a post about this. Real or imagined, this is fascinating.

      Delete
    2. You think that one is good, you ought to see the 446 other versions of it he's now tried to post over the past week.

      Delete
    3. I'm glad you posted it twice, like a rant echoing in an empty room.

      Delete
  6. Aside from the duckface, that was a quite acceptable animated gif.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. I know, right?

      It's not the sort of gif I would normally post, but this was sort of a throwaway one - a palate cleanser - so what the hell? The people who come by here are tougher than i give them credit for.

      Delete
  7. Katy. I think I might have a lesbian question, maybe not. Maybe it would be better classified as simple male curiosity based upon personal experience. One of my personal problems is the distinguishments between things actual, and those merely perceived.

    Why is the giant impersonation of a pecker made of more flaccid plastic than the woman's titties? Seems to me that were I a lesbian, my textural preferences would be reversed. I met one of those "real doll" girls this one time at a Halloween party. Guy brought the fake woman as his date. The only part of the $3,500 doll I found "lifelike" was her breasts. Just the right balance between firm and supple to match my personal experience with actual women. Except, of course, for the one set of rubber titties I bought for one of the exes. I absolutely adored her matched set of sunny-side-uppers perfectly placed on her chest by Mamma Nature, But because of her smallness she had felt less-than all her life.

    I didn't like the giant size nor did I cotton to the various textural differences of the enhanced prosthetics. I did, however, cotton to her enhanced confidence. Then again, seems larger breasts gave her the confidence to shrug me off for a career as a wrestler, a lesson of swords cutting two ways.

    My advice, pick a woman with a stiffer dildo and softer breasts. Maybe she'll be more interested in your character than your backstory. And maybe I'm changing into a 1950's father figure in my efforts to help you find true love.

    Fuck Walmart!

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Mooner! How's WalMart treating you?

      I would hazard a guess that the girl in the gif is a cam girl, and probably heterosexual.

      Both of which are perfectly respectable.

      But she's probably not my next girlfriend.

      Delete
    2. Katy. OK, whatinthefuck is a gif?

      As for Walmart, I fuck them routinely and they barely make a sound. Sometimes I feel like the flea humping an elephant. Elephant doesn't acknowledge the flea's presence, but it is quite satisfying for the flea.

      Maybe if more of us fucked Walmart, Walmart would notice. So, Fuck Walmart!

      Delete
    3. I've only been to Walmart once.

      Ever.

      If you need potting soil at midnight, your choices are pretty limited.

      Delete
  8. Having a friend that likes you so much he comments twice is a moment to be cherished. Well done Katy, whatever you did or didn't do.

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    1. If you think THAT'S wonderful, you ought to see the 353 cut and pastes of the same 3 comments he's submitted and I didn't approve this week.

      I'm not kidding about those numbers, by the way.

      I inspire such dedication in others!

      Delete
  9. That's why I use your fake name. I fear the stalkers. My problem is which alias to use. I get quite confused and often use actual name. I going get this down eventually.
    Is he a self appointed Christian Sherriff?

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    1. No, it's that Ling Wu/Pi guy who used to comment on my blogs over on Multiply. This has been typical behavior for about 6 years now. I felt really bad for him for a while.

      Anyway, the good news is, I've been listening to the Moody Blues' "Every Good Boy Deserves Favour" all week. I believe I'm going to bite the bullet and get the rest of those seven golden era albums on CD this week.

      Delete
    2. In order of release, the very first one with Denny Lane has the hit Go Now on it. It's a novelty, don't waste your money. The second LP, I think was called This is The Moody Blues. It a double LP. Skip it. After that they are good, but in order of release, stop at Seventh Sojourn. This my favorite. Finally by the newest Best of and Bluejays which way a Hayward and Lodge solo LP.
      I getting close to having my PC ready to do the thumb drive thing. Maybe you should buy them one at a time because I have all of them on the hard drive. Sorry this is taking so long. We're doing a kitchen remodel and my wife 's mother is in her finally 6 months. I've actually been been busy if you can believer that. I've been rehabbing my back too. That's 3 days a week for another month. Anyway, it's cool you're liking there stuff.

      Delete
    3. Well, I mean, if your kitchen gets prioritized higher than my listening pleasure, then you may already be a lost cause.

      The Moody Blues albums that got the big remastering a few years back were just the seven between "Days of Future Passed" and "Seventh Sojourn." It sounds as though sticking with those might be advisable.

      Of course, I thought the same thing about a Psych folk band called Incredible String Band a few years ago, and I ended up wandering into their lesser material and loving it. So I'll take it an album at a time.

      Delete
  10. I know named Vinney if you need help cleaning house;-)

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    1. No, I'm good. I'm the most dangerous weapon known to man.

      Delete
  11. You know, that really IS the only bad part about being alone. The no sex part, I mean. Not that self-manipulation isn't enjoyable, in a mechanical sort of way. And one can become very inventive concerning self indulgence when alone for extended period of time. I'll bet that Crusoe guy screwed a lot of weird things until Friday came along, for instance. Probably afterward, too, when Friday was off pullin' his own putz in private and not watching cause, you know, that's how we are. Truth is, though, going through all those changes just to get laid isn't worth all the trouble. You're better off being yourself. Even if that means being alone. But Hey! if runnin' 'em down and holdin' on to 'em just long enough to lick 'em and stick 'em is what yer lookin' for the deception thing is a lot quicker and more productive, too. At any rate I think you are right in formulating a plan for acquiring your next vic ... um .... Girlfriend, because any plan is better than no plan at all. Keeping in mind that, fuckin', CUSTER had a plan. Now that I think about it, ol' Puddin' Pops Bill had a plan, too! did'ny? That worked pretty good too. Statute of Limitations-wise, I mean.
    Good Luck on your project
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KFq4E9XTueY
    ps PLEASE, Release that poor, On5464 creechter from your spell

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Trying to attract conspirists with that deceptive title?

      Delete
    2. I believe I'm okay with the single/no sex thing, overall. Usually.

      But if I start acting funny - say, writing about a neighbor I'm spying on or obsessing over Huma Abedin - that's the only time anyone would need to worry.

      Delete
    3. Thought I'd seen or imagined,(, mostly imagined) just about everything that could turn a healthy heterosexual on.
      Who!da trunk a flexible dildo weaponized and wielded by a beautiful Amazon who still had both breasts could be such a turn on? You don't need to learn Russian. Place that gif in a female only roommate forum and you'll have have fully utilized your theology degree. Not only will you save those who are the still in the closet, but you'll get more honest converts than Billly Graham ever dreamed of. My most sincere congratulations.

      Delete
    4. In the future, most religions will be gif-based.

      Yeah, that will probably mean really shallow religions, but who has ever killed over a gif?

      Delete
  12. Learning Russian would be a good idea only if you're planning to check out some of those Russian mail-order bride websites. And even then, probably not strictly necessary.

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    1. My office used to have a client who'd blown his inheritance flying over to meet Chinese women he was considering marrying.

      He complained that the one he ended up marrying "refused" to learn English.

      Since my best current relationship is with my cat, the language barrier might be a plus!

      Delete
  13. I've gone a long time without dating or sex but I think that's just called marriage. No amount of learning Russian is going to fix that. Especially when I view the gif in this post and must convince the wife that I'm reading blogs, really, I swear!

    ReplyDelete
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    1. I can write you a note of explanation if that would patch things up.

      All nudity on this blog is posted for educational purposes only.

      Delete
  14. Has your troll always had a stutter, or has that manifested itself over time?

    If you learn to speak Russian, you'll want to write Russian, too, and that will require one of those special fonts that does back-assward-R's, sort of like Toys-backward R- Us . Way too much trouble.

    You could sign up for one of those dating services, only one with more of a twist than normal:

    Try Christian Mangle.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. If there's not already a dating site for crazy cat lady lesbian shut-ins, then somebody is missing a great dot com opportunity.

      Delete
  15. Or you could just rely on dazzling your next girlfriend and her family with your first-rate, top-notch personality! What? Is that not how crippling insecurity works, a simple note of encouragement? This is why I'm not--Hold on, Frazier the TV character wrote a series of books? I love that show! Hopefully they make them in audio book form.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. I thought about relying on my encyclopedic knowledge of early Seventies progressive rock, but decided against it.

      Oh, and I maintain a blog page where I get more page views and comments on my posts that are pure filler than I do on the stories that take me days of planning and writing!

      Delete
  16. Sorry, but I think you're just going to have to hope that your current skills/personality are enough to cut it. It sucks I know, but it's the solution most of us are stuck with. You could try just flat-out lying about everything, but that only works about 15% of the time.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Lying doesn't work most of the time?

      What did you say you did for a living again? I must have heard you wrong.

      Delete
  17. Haha.

    I meant at getting dates. Well...maybe keeping a date around long term?

    Fine, your objection is noted and I withdraw this comment from the record.

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    1. I have nothing further for this witness, Your Honor...

      Delete
  18. As a married person I haven't dated or had sex in a long time. I am envious, at least to some degree, of your independence. Learning to speak Russian could get you in with Pussy Riot and all their exotic connections and you may find a worthwhile date. Maybe you should learn and impress the hell out of everybody including your next love.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Pussy Riot has the one womnan in it who might be worth learning Russian for. A google search reveals I am talking about Nadezhda Tolokonnikova.

      I know! I can start a rumor that I'm dating her.

      That's working so well for me with Huma Abedin...

      Delete
  19. I wanted to add this post to my Weekly Wrangle, but my 89-year-old mother reads pretty much everything I post, and the .gif might have stroked her out. I didn't want that on my conscience.

    By the by, you seem to have the best porn on the internet. Not that I have large sample size for comparison, mind you...

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Haha... From now on, fantastic porn gifs will be my signal to you that you might not want to Wrangle this week's post.

      Delete

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