Saturday, September 5, 2015

Oh, Huma

I leave my cell phone lying around a lot. I am told I ought not to leave my cell phone lying around a lot but still I persist, which means I keep on doing it.

I leave it right out in the open where everybody can see it. I leave it right out in the open so everybody can see it. Face up on conference tables during meetings. Next to the sink, at work, at lunch hour. Or out on the coffee table when I have friends over. Or up on the hood of the van while I am attempting to walk in a straight line for a police officer late at night.

And so forth. And so on. Et cetera.

I leave my cell phone lying around a lot on the off-chance that my daughter calls me. My daughter, Rachel, I mean, who is the one with a cell phone of her own.

When Rachel calls me, you see, my phone doesn’t say, “Rachel Calling.” It does not show a picture of her from back when she was four and trying to finger paint to disastrous effect. No, no.

That’s because I did not save Rachel’s number in my phone as “Rachel Anders.” No, although that would have been the easy and the lazy thing to do – it is what you would have done – I went a different direction, instead.

So let’s say I am at work and I am at a work table and I am sifting through discovery documents with several fellow workers. And while I am down, hunched over a box of documents on the floor, suddenly, back up on the work table, Rick Springfield’s song, “Human Touch,” comes blaring out at all of us.

“We all need / The human touch / I need it / The human touch…”

And Donna – nosy, gossipy Donna – says, “Katy, you’re getting a call from a… a… Hu-u-u-ma?”

I leap up.

I snatch the phone away. I hold it tightly to my chest.

I look around, conspiratorially, up into the corners of the room like I’m searching for cameras or for spy fairies.

Then I rush out, away from the room and the table and the documents, answering the phone and saying, “Hello, honey, how are you?” in a stage whisper.

And back at the work table, my fellow workers, well, they do not know I have just received a call from my daughter, Rachel. They believe I have just received a call from Huma Abedin.

Because that is what my phone shows.

I leave my cell phone lying around a lot because I am trying to start a rumor.

I am trying to start a rumor that I’m having an affair with Huma Abedin.

You know what they say about how a lie that gets repeated enough starts to become the truth, don’t you? And all that psychic energy from all of these gossipy people chanting, “Katy and Huma sitting in a tree / kay-eye-ess-ess-eye-enn-jee…”

All that psychic energy. It rises up.

It goes out. Into the Universe.

Forwards and backwards and all the other wards.

The lie travels around the world and it changes the world. The lie becomes the truth.

At least, I’m hoping that’s how it works, anyway. When it comes to starting an affair with Huma Abedin, I haven’t really got a Plan B.

I’ll keep you posted.

44 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. I don't know what you're all smiley about. This blog post is dead serious.

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  2. Replies
    1. Even better for my chances, it appears she DOESN'T.

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  3. I KNEW you were in league with the Muslim Brotherhood to defame America! Haha

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    1. I'm not in league with them yet... But do you think it would improve my chances with her?

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  4. That call that momentarily grounds you in reality. A good thing. I bet she's a handful just like you. I hope so anyway:)

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    1. I haven't done a post about the kids in a while. I'm going to have to change that sometime. All the best posts have my kids in them.

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  5. OMG, I love everything about this post. I'm totally rooting for you and Huma. <3

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    1. Thank you!

      I almost didn't write it because it didn't rise to the level of NEEDING to be written. But it was so fun that i decided to write it anyway.

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  6. I don't know or care who Huma Abedinb is, but thank you thank you thank you for writing "lying" and not "laying". It's a surprise to me when Americanish-speakers conjugate "lie" correctly.

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    1. I'm good with "lie," but I don't have the waken/awakened/woke/awoke thing down yet. And google searches don't seem to help.

      I got a great album earlier this year called "The Sleeper Awakes," and the title bugs me to no end, even though it is apparently an acceptable conjugation.

      Fucking English.

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  7. Replies
    1. Now you're just trying to provoke me!

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    2. :) 555

      Hillary’s Private Server
      http://earloftaint.com/2015/09/06/hillarys-private-server/

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    3. This is why we can't have nice things.

      Because of you people.

      You people who would sully the name of Huma.

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    4. smear job...

      Huma Abedin, top Clinton aide, formally investigated by feds for embezzlement - Washington Times

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    5. I see they didn't press charges, which doesn't surprise me. It seems like embezzlement would be a poor fit for what happened.

      She's a target for a lot of people, not just because of her close connection to Clinton and Weiner, but ebcause of her ethnic background - which, incidentally, is half Pakistani and half Indian, NOT Iranian, as a friend of mine posted in an attack piece on her on facebook.

      This is all just a vast right wing conspiracy. Depending on what your definition of the word "is" is...

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  8. Anthony Weiner, Huma Abedin's husband, can confirm that cell phones are the Devil's tool

    Also Sydney Leathers knows a lie that gets repeated enough starts to become the truth

    Rat-a-tat-tat I ain't tappin that
    http://goodstuffsworld.blogspot.com/2013/08/goodstuffs-blogging-magazine-112th-issue.html

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    1. Anthony Weiner can have Sydney Leathers if he'd just leave poor Huma alone and let her get on with her post-Weiner life already.

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  9. The concept "the lie becomes the truth" only really works on things like, "I'm happy" or "my husband isn't obsessed with sending dick picks the world over." Which, we all realize doesn't work. So, while I admire your efforts, no Huma for you-ma (I don't know why I felt it had to rhyme). Also, I keep my phone on silent just so no one else knows my obsession for the Magnum PI theme song. Not the show, just the song.

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    1. Why are you trying to crush my dreams, Pickleope?

      When Huma is Chief of Staff in the White House in a few more months and I am her wife, I am going to tell her all about your negativity and see what we can do.

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  10. Geez.....and I thought I had a problem obsessing over Miss. Piggy. WAIT! I might still have a chance! I just read Kermit has taken up with another pig and Miss Piggy dumped him. Hmmmm.....now if Anthony takes up with a pig, not necessarily Miss Piggy, you might stand a chance Katy. (I thinkith I sense a blog here) Stay tuned.

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    1. I'd be careful about Miss Piggy. I have heard that you can't get a word out of her if she's not being sodomized.

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  11. If I didn't know better, I'd think you were a GUY the way you lust after women. Sheesh! Whatever happened with the Girl In Apartment 5? I know we're on the same team and all but you're a woman for cryin' out loud and have better, more REASONABLE hormones about these things than we do. I'm a white, 64 year old man so you know I KNOW about women's driving juices and such.
    Forget about her and focus the real, important, things in life. Like MLB baseball. That'll settle them cranky hormones down and get yer mathemagician mind back on track!
    On the other hand .... I've seen the "Lie becomes the truth" thing reoccur with success so many times that I wish you the BEST of luck. and If I hear the first blurb about you and Humidor makin' whoopee I'm starting a rumor about me and Margaret Brennan! Ha-cha-cha-cha!
    btw, when I save digits in my don'tlaughflipfone I save then under the emotional response they evoke in me. I don't have all them fancy toons and photos like you do but when my ex-wife calls my phone goes "Wah-Wah-Wah-Wahhhhhhh" like "Thanks for playing along! There's NO parting Gift!" and the word "MISERY" flashes on the outside picture window. No doubt who the fuck THAT is!

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    1. I haven't had a date in way over a year, so my hormones are beginning to eat my nerve cells, one by one.

      When Huma becomes White House Chief of Staff and we get married, I'm going to pull whatever strings are necessary to make sure Misfit120 ends up with Miss Piggy and you end up with Margaret Brennan.

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    2. Awwww, THANKS, Pally! That'd be sweet! Makes me want to rethink my No Hill - No Way! No - HELL NO! Policy

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    3. I promised myself that i was going to manage to write this while staying clear of political talk, but frankly, I don't think even my hypothetical would be enough to make me vote for her.

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  12. Have you tried sending her a dick pic? I hear her dear husband's a big fan of those.

    Really, though, I wish you well. Your only competition is a scrawny nerd who is literally a Weiner. You've GOT this.

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    1. Her husband is Anthony Weiner and her boss is Hillary Clinton.

      Clearly, she has questionable judgment, and that's a characteristic in women that has served me well in the past.

      Now I just need to open a twitter account under the name "Carla Danger."

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  13. A delightful read, that. Greetings to you!

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    1. Thank you, Blogoratti, and greetings to you as well!

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  14. Forrest Gump is on ABC Family, and Jenny just came back to him all on her own.

    Does that happen in real life?

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    1. I'd say it's sort of like a box of chocolates.

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  15. Maybe the next move would be to invite her to prom via a You Tube video?

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    1. Don't I have to either be a Veteran or suffering from some horrible disease for that to work?

      I'm not saying those are deal breakers to me trying, but I'd like to know what I'm getting into...

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  16. You need to let us know if this works because this will change everything.

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    1. If this works, you'll know. I'll be flying a plane with a "Mission Accomplished" banner hanging off the back of it all around the country.

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  17. Oh by the way, what's the time frame for declaring mission failure? I don't want to terminate my own efforts prematurely.

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    1. I generally lose interest in about 3 months.

      Or less time than that if the mission is successful.

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