I can be anyone.
That’s right: I can be anyone at all. I can be a stranger. What’s stopping me? Why am I still being me?
I can be an inventor. A veterinarian. A one-legged therapist dishing dirt on her patients.
I can be a burglar or a fundamentalist pushing hate. Or I can be that guy in my neighborhood who refuses to walk on the sidewalk. A reclusive ghost writer to the stars or an old woman who sincerely believes she’s time traveled here from the future!
Well, maybe I can’t be an honest-to-God veterinarian (I can’t stand the sight of blood!), but when I write, I get to pretend, don’t I? There are really no limits so long as I do some research. Read a book. Resort to google. I know I could convince you.
These past five years, though, I have only been… me.
I have only been me and being me’s fine because I. am. amazing. I don’t regret it. Not a word. I am proud of the things I have posted.
But what about characters? What about twisting my head into weird and woolly shapes and writing as a man who has a mortal fear of balloons?
I can be a ghost hunter – no! A monster hunter! I can blog as the greatest unknown monster hunter of our time. What a blog that would be!
For the next several weeks, I will not be around here much. For the next several weeks, I am going to become someone else. Someone new. New name, new face, new social media accounts. New.
I am going to grow into their brainspace. I am going to think thoughts the old me never could have thought. And when the character is full – when the character’s alive and breathing and in 3D – then the character is going to start to blog.
I will be back but don’t wait up for me. I could be a while.
This is an awful idea.
I love it.
“So don’t cry for me cos I’m going away
But I’ll be back some lucky day.”
- Tom Waits
But the sidewalk is too busted up and littered with tree trimmings and leaves.ReplyDelete
The first time I read your comment, I thought you were quoting more Tom Waits lyrics to me. It sounds like something from his "Mule Variations" era.Delete
This poor old guy, Jay. He will stand on the curb, waiting for cars to go by, so that he can walk down the middle of the street. He will not walk on a perfectly good sidewalk.
It's obviously OCD or something like that. I feel so bad for him every time I speed on by in my van, narrowly missing him.
Okay, just so long as you don't do like that asshole guy who pretended to be a lesbian blogger in the middle east somewhere, duped some poor lesbian in Montreal into falling in love with her/him, and then caused an international incident by pretending to be kidnapped by terrorists or some damn thing. PRETEND RESPONSIBLY!ReplyDelete
"Gay Girl in Damascus"? That guy was just typical anti-Assad propaganda.Delete
My writing has yet to cause an international incident.Delete
Although I could blog as though I am Vladimir Putin's American mistress. I'm sure there would be potential there for disaster...
I don't know what his political motives were (if any), but this guy was an American teacher who hurt a lot of people by what he did. The National Film Board of Canada just did a full documentary on it that was very interesting. Alas, cannot remember now what it was called. The blogger appeared to be some kind of sociopath without conscience or regret, with a wife who was an enabler.Delete
Become somebody else. That's Green Arrow's line. Which makes me think you could be Black Canary. The current one is a bit of a wuss.ReplyDelete
Don't tell me, don't tell me! I just started "Green Arrow" last week, so I'm only about 3 episodes in.Delete
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The last Oopsy blog post was in November 2010!Delete
Your latest incarnation could be anything, although being you in whatever form is always interesting if not downright entertaining. Just don't hurt anyone who doesn't deserve it and don't hurt yourself. You could be the Dread Pirate Roberts if you can handle a sword.ReplyDelete
The problem with blogging as a character - as opposed to plain old-fashioned fiction - is that it has to be believable, I'd think. I can't say, "Hi, this is Bill Clinton, and this is my blog! Guess what I'm doing to my new intern while I'm typing this?"Delete
That does limit me a little bit. Historical figures would be out of the question, for obvious reasons.
What you should become is the Galactic Conqueress Katie XXIII, Queen of Reality, who leads an army of females like Pratchett's Monstrous Regiment. The alternative is to pretend you're a millionaire British businessman and help me counterscam Nigerian princes and Sierra Leonean refugee girls with trillions in their bank accounts.ReplyDelete
Years ago, I liked doing characters because I could say anything. And once you have people who like reading your stuff, you can say any crazy thing you want and they'll defend your words. I insulted the military, defended racism, and descibed incidents of drunk driving - all to applause!Delete
I might be stuck here. It might not work. And that would be fine, too.
"Honey, you could be popular. You’ve just got to be yourself. In a whole new way." - Marge SimpsonReplyDelete
So, are you going to become a back from the future hermaphrodite, to support Donald Trump?
I considered being a transgender character. It would be great because I tend to debate people on news sites, and having to get into character for that would really allow me to see what transgender people go through.Delete
But it would probably be bad to fake that, should the character ever come to light. So I'll go a different direction.
When we tire of being ourselves we write fiction. That's what I do anyway! How will we find you? Will you leave clues?ReplyDelete
Yes, if it works out, I'll give everyone a means of finding me.Delete
Katy. If you choose to come back as a heterosexual woman, will you marry me? Spiders and children accepted, girlfriends welcome, and no dowry required.ReplyDelete
I can be wife number 9?!Delete
Katy. Uh, er, ah well, um as, ah you seem to like odd numbers, how does the number eleven sound. Eleven is the only odd number with the word "even" hidden inside, and it's the first number requiring toes to count. I have always thought eleven was extra special because of that.ReplyDelete
And having screwed up ten wedlocks before you, think of how much better at it I will be, and just for you.
We can ride off into the sunset and Fuck Walmart foreverafter!
I once knew a woman who had been married 23 times.Delete
Honest to God.
She was a client at work. I figured she must have been running some sort of scam. The attorney I worked for said, "If it's a scam, it's a lousy scam, because this woman doesn't have a dime to her name."
She was just really an optimist who believed the right guy was out there somewhere...
Ok Katy......but ya can't be ME! I already am ME, so ME is taken up. Besides, who in their right mind would wanna be me anyhow? Sometimes "I" don't even wanna be me.ReplyDelete
But think about how much great material we could get arguing back and forth in our blogs about who is the real Dick!Delete
This sounds like a fun project, even if you think it's a terrible idea. I think it's only a terrible idea if the "somewhere" your new blog ends up landing is Tumblr, home of angry social justice warriors with way too many hours in the day to argue about absolutely nothing... with an accompaniment of zany reaction GIFs from their favorite celebrities!ReplyDelete
If it was tumblr, it'd be easy.Delete
I could do one post, and it would say this: "God (who is a white cis male) made men and made women, and nothing in between. Men and women should be together to make babies. Any variaiton on the previous two sentences is wrong and sinful."
Then I would sit back and watch tumblr go down in flames.
I... kinda want to see that anyway, regardless of your new character. Xe would absolutely shit xemselves.Delete
Oh (white) god, they've already got their claws in me.
On Saturday, I got an email from tumblr telling me I've been on there for 5 years. I am relatively unscathed. Except for the porn... Oh, the piles and piles of porn...Delete
As they say on Tralfamadore, "Hello. Farewell. Hello. Farewell." You're you no matter where you go. Blessing or curse, that's the deal we all get hung with.ReplyDelete
Let us know when you're back.
Two days in, I'm already starting to think about going home.Delete
It turns out that if I'm not REALLY front and center with the lezbo thing, guys immediately get creepy. Remaining my bug-eyed lesbian self might be the way to go.
Perhaps you could be a lesbian trapped in a man's body? (Actually, I really am one of those.)Delete
Just remember, however, that whoever you try to be, you are who you are.
I'm just trying to write some good blogs. I figure rpetending to be someone else will shake things up.
Why don't you and the Mooner just write each others stuff for a while . That would be close to what you're wanting to do and a lot less hassle .ReplyDelete
That might work. I want to be knocked out of my writing comfort zone. Becoming Mooner might do it.Delete
Maybe become Batman and explain why you obsessively labelled gadgetsDelete
A retired Batman's memoirs, mostly chronicling how he loved to look in women's bedroom windows.Delete
Not to make this all about me, but I hate wandering into your posts a few days late and seeing that all of the great comments are already taken. I've spent whole minutes just trying to come up with something great! I hate being that guy.ReplyDelete
But really what I was thinking is that you are simply completing your long transition to a fabulist, which *sounds* like a really cool thing to be except everybody these days seem to reserve the word for someone who lies recklessly or maliciously. But I think starting with you we reclaim the original meaning, as someone who creates fables. We're all going to learn something from this, right?
If nothing else, we're going to learn that we shouldn't lie about who we are.Delete
It's so limiting to write as me. though! I can't kill anybody in these stories.
Awwwh Katy I miss you already!ReplyDelete
I'm going to be in and out a bit.Delete
I am so far behind on reading OTHER people's blogs that it's driving me crazy, though.
Hopefully, tomorrow I can dig into a few of yours and about 3 other people who post frequently. I don't want to fall behind, even if I'm not posting here much anymore.
Waiting on pins and needles for this. You will let us know when that other person's writing is available, won't you?ReplyDelete
I think so. I'm sort of developing the character right now. I could very easily be back here soon, at any rate.Delete
Okay, I know you said don't wait, but I'm still kind of going to wait a little.ReplyDelete