Thursday, January 13, 2011

Discursives, 13/01/2011

Escalator FAIL
It occurs to me now that I definitely hold thin people to a higher standard than I hold fat people when it comes to… escalators.

Because when a fat person is ahead of me on an escalator and just stands there, refusing to budge and holding up the ascent of everyone else behind him, I just dismiss it as a side effect of his fatitude. “Oh, well. He’s enormous. He couldn’t possibly take a step UP!”

But if a thin person were to do the exact same thing, why, I would… I would…

Actually, I’d probably peer around him to check and make sure he wasn’t tremendously old, or disabled in some way.

*          *          *          *          *

It turns out that the Giffords shooter out in Arizona was simply a creepy, mentally unbalanced wacko, unaffiliated with any group or school of thought.

Of course, this can only mean that the next couple of weeks are going to be even more awkward than usual for all of us creepy, mentally unbalanced wackos. Lots of unnecessary calls in to the FBI by the neighbors and so forth…

Mug shot FAIL
Why, oh why couldn’t the shooter have been the world’s #1 fan of the Ramones or a goddamn MORMON or something? Those Muslims seem to really be falling down on the job this year.

Anything that would allow the rest of us to lay the blame on some identifiable group of people publicly would suffice.

Thanks a lot, Loughner! Now I’m going to have to constantly secure alibis for my whereabouts…

*          *          *          *          *

Can you see my heart bursting with pride as I type this?

All of us in the Anders household are especially proud right now. That’s because we have a new addition to our household: a female Oklahoma brown tarantula named Saint Athanasius.

Now, before you go feeling sorry for the tarantula, whining, “But Katy! She’ll never learn to respond to a name like ‘Athanasius’!” there are a couple things you probably ought to know.

First, best that all them scientist types can figure, tarantulas have no sense of hearing at all. As in, they have no organs with which to hear.

They can also only see what is less than half an inch in front of their eyes, can split wide open if they fall off a rock, and generally do not travel more than a couple feet from wherever they were born in their lifetime.

In fact, it’s safe to say that fundamentalist Christians really ought to latch on to tarantulas as the Achilles heel of the whole evolutionary “survival-of-the-fittest” theory.

I mean, is everything I learned from old monster movies wrong?
Tarantula FAIL

1 comment:

  1. ***On January 31, 2011, I removed the “Disqus” comment add-on from this blog.
    When I removed it, the old comments were deleted with it.

    These are those comments:

    January 14, 2011
    Old Friend wrote:
    “Now first of all, I swear that the only proper and legal way to use an escalator is to stand still while holding onto the hand rails. Besides, not everyone has the type A personality, or was that type AB plus a gallon of capsaicin?
    And secondly, … oh the hell with it, I refuse to be dragged down into lesbian gossips about wackos and tarantulas, as if I have nothing better to do.”

    January 14, 2011
    Katy wrote, in reply to Old Friend:
    “Yes, God knows that Uncle Arthur wishes he had held those hand rails.
    9 years in the federal pokey seemed a little steep to me, but “Safety first!” as they say...
    You DO know that when you just stand there on the escalator like an old lady, everybody behind you is pissed off, right?
    (And HEY! What is your Blogger page? I always liked it and I’d like to follow you…)”

    January 15, 2011
    Old Friend wrote, in reply to Katy:
    “What is a "Blogger page"? Hey sister, I am afraid that I am not who you think I am.
    And, please don't "follow" me. Woman, you are freaking me out!!!!”

    January 15, 2011
    Katy wrote, in reply to Old Friend:
    “THIS is a Blogger page.
    I am a little creepy, yes. It's the eyes.”

    January 15, 2011
    Old Friend wrote, in reply to Katy:
    “No. This is a "Blogspot" page, it says so right in the address bar, duhhh?
    Following me home is "a little creepy"? What do you do when you go full-out my-job-sucks-my-girlfriend-left-me-and-I-am-having-PMS?”

    January 15, 2011
    Katy wrote, in reply to Old Friend:
    “Yeah, but it's Blogger.
    I don't know. I'm not one of the masterminds behind it.
    I only followed you home because I thought you were my grandma.”

    January 15, 2011
    Old Friend wrote, in reply to Katy:
    “No. I recall that you followed me home because you thught I was cute, an 8 out of 10.
    Lucky for me that you didn't have the guts to knock on my door and drag me upstairs.
    A perfect proof that people we meet online are not to be trusted. Especially lesbians!
    Dex, are you taking notes? You'd better if you know what's good for you.”


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