Sunday, July 31, 2011

Rick Perry’s Texas Will Not Defend Christian Family Values!

It is nearly unimaginable, really. I just can’t seem to wrap my head around it, and it gnaws away at me in the night, running counter to everything I thought I trusted, believed. Everything I thought I knew. It defies conventional wisdom and it laughs condescendingly at your momma, at apple pie, at baseball, and at puppies.

It laughs at goddamn puppies!                            

But still, I am a firm believer in laying the truth out on the table, so as much as it pains me to say these words, prepare yourself. Here it is:

RICK PERRY’S TEXAS WON’T LIFT A FINGER TO DEFEND CHRISTIAN FAMILY VALUES!!!

I mean, Jesus, Mary, and Noah know that I’ve been trying my hardest.

I’m sitting in the Harris County D.A.’s office with my wife, Dana, her husband, Anthony (who is also my brother), and his husband, Aesop (who is also my husband), and we are trying to turn ourselves in for Double Bigamy (All the Way). We’re prepared to reap what we’ve sown. Eat our peas. Face Lady Justice.

A young black assistant D.A. sits across from us, looking for all the world like he only wants to go home. He is holding a printout of the Texas bigamy statute, which we have helpfully provided him:
§ 25.01. BIGAMY.  (a) An individual commits an offense if:               
(1)  he is legally married and he: (A)  purports to marry or does marry a person other than his spouse in this state, or any other state or foreign country, under circumstances that would, but for the actor's prior marriage, constitute a marriage;  or (B)  lives with a person other than his spouse in this state under the appearance of being married…
(e)  An offense under this section is a felony of the third degree.
The assistant D.A. wipes his glasses again. He says, “I’m sorry, folks.” He says, “I’ve talked to my boss, and we are not going to bring charges.”

He glances up at my t-shirt for the fifth time. My t-shirt says this: “Warren Jeffs is My Hero!”

And the reason Warren Jeffs is my hero is because he managed to get the State of Texas to prosecute him for – among other things – violating the very criminal bigamy statute that I just quoted above. He’s on trial for it even as we speak. Warren Jeffs is my hero because – best I can tell – it’s not an easy proposition convincing Rick Perry’s Texas to uphold the solemn dignity of traditional Christian marriage.

The assistant D.A., he rolls his eyes and says, “Look. If I were y’all, and I was trying to get arrested to… make whatever point y’all are obviously trying to make? I’d head on up to your small rural counties. Taylor, Jefferson, Fort Bend. You’d stand a better chance of pissing someone off somewhere like that.”

So I am a bigamist who can’t get arrested in my home town, but I take my twisted, anti-biblical family and I head on up to Huntsville, where they run the famed Texas Death Machine. Back in the Nineties, they were frying a baddy every other day here. Huntsville doesn’t pussyfoot around! Huntsville doesn’t coddle criminals like some New England hippie commune! Surely in Huntsville of all places, a carful of bigamists doesn’t stand a chance.

We walk into the Walker County D.A.’s office with signed confessions. We’ve spent the morning putting “Wanted” posters up on telephone poles all over town, and Aesop is wearing a t-shirt on which he’s written this in pink permanent marker: “Sometimes I’m a Faggot.”

We talk to a seasoned county prosecutor who quickly convinces himself that we’re trying to get thrown in jail to get some of that sweet, sweet prison rape we’ve heard so much about. Then he informs us it’s his lunch hour and kicks us out of the building.

So I am a bigamist who can’t herself get arrested in East Texas: In the World Capital City of Lethal Injection.

And I can’t get arrested in Abilene. And I can’t get arrested in Sugar Land. I can’t even get arrested in Waco, even though I bring my handy King James Bible with all the relevant verses highlighted in pink.

And I have to tell you, we are getting a little desperate. I mean, what do you do when you cannot get the Great State of Texas to enforce its own marriage laws? Read your Genesis. It was Adam and Eve, by God, not Adam and Steve and Alice and Eve and whomever else happened to be standing around at the time.

But me, in my heart, I know. I know when God falls to the wayside and his holy Word is ignored and all looks to be for naught, there still exists one man who can be counted on to save the day. A man called by God at an early age. A man who prays for rain and tells his flock of constituents to do the same. A man who NEXT WEEK is inviting all people of (Christian) faith to join him at Houston’s Reliant Stadium for a Day of Fasting and Prayer.

I know Rick Perry cannot abide Double Bigamy (All the Way) in his state on his watch. When I send him that large envelope full of signed confessions, marriage certificates, wedding photos, Leviticus excerpts, the Texas Penal Code, and complaints from my neighbors, I just KNOW that this abomination will not go unpunished!

But now it’s a month later and still I am left free to walk the streets and flaunt Texas, Jesus, and Good Taste.

It’s a month later and I am left wondering whatever happened to the traditional Christian Texas family values I knew as a child?

What the heck does a pervert need to do to get punished in Rick Perry’s Texas?

56 comments:

  1. interesting post. Ethics and morality takes different definition based on person.

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  2. "What the heck does a pervert need to do to get punished in Rick Perry’s Texas?"

    Hon, it's a Fundie state. Everyone knows they have a warped sense of values.

    Get pregnant by one or the other of the menfolk in your extended-family, and you can go to prison if you have an abortion - because every sperm and egg are sacred, especially if they get together. Hell, here's a Fundie-state next-door (Louisiana) which has proposed sending a woman to prison for a miscarriage.

    However, let that kid get itself borned in nine or so months - and it's root, hog and die - don't count on education, or anything else, really, from Rick Perry's Texas.

    If that kid grows up and steps out of line, count on the state, however, to have spent a whole lot more money to incarcerate him or her than it ever could have providing education.

    And hell - if it really steps out of line, the state'll spend a shitload o' greenbacks to execute the little bugger - because hey; the death penalty is accordin' t' th' Bible, an' all....

    (Of course, there's no planet where that makes any kind of sense. But then again, the place is run by Fundies....)

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  3. Katy... oh Katy... I love you.

    I love this.

    Best. Satire. Evah!

    And sweet, sweet prison rape.

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  4. Maybe you need to find a horse to marry ?

    That might do it.

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  5. oh my gawd, warren jeffs is my hero too!

    he's also my dad. and my cousin. and my husband since i was eight years old.

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  6. Hi, meandmythinkingcap: Yeah, I dunno. I’m not smart enough to know if there’s an objective morality that exists somewhere, if it’s all relative. It does seem like there’s a moral agenda that earns people political points…

    @Will: Pity the poor authorities in Texas, though. They are in a tough position vis a vis my crimes… In order to arrest me, would they have to acknowledge the Vermont same sex marriage? All I know is that this entry has turned into a fast Google bomb – turns out people Google “Rick Perry” and “gay marriage” and “Christian values” A LOT. Who knew?

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  7. @K. Syrah: Gracias. I’m merely trying to keep my governor honest. He had a little trouble with the gay marriage question this past week. Went from “The states ought to do what they want” to “I personally oppose it” to “The feds ought to ban all same sex marriage” in a span of about 5 days. Sadly, the way things stand now, he’s helpless to stop the bigamy going on right under his nose…

    @dirtycowgirl: That’s kind of what we were thinking when we took the picture of Anthony with the dog. What can I say? We get all sorts of good ideas form old Rick Santorum speeches…

    @Kage: He’s such a good husband and cult leader… I sure hope he’s a good lay attorney, too. Otherwise, he might, you know, be a martyr for the cause. “The cause” in this case being statutory rape, bigamy, and renegade branches of LDS…

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  8. It just occured to me tax time is going to be really confusing for you all. I say go married, filing jointly, and combine all 4 of your incomes. That will get someone's attention. The only down side is the potential of being sent to the Federal Prison in Terre Haute, Indiana. It is located between the sweage treatment and a Purnia dog food plant. There isn't a good day there, regardless of which way the wind blows.

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  9. Have you considered marrying your brother, too?

    No wait, this is Texas. Never mind. Back to the drawing board.

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  10. Maybe you're not trying hard enough. I mean yeah, you have a husband AND wife, but you're not challenging the MALE-dominated world of polygamy yet. You probably won't even get them to bat a lash in your direction until you have TWO husbands or more.

    I'm just sayin......

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  11. hold.
    the.
    phone.

    maybe wearing a "marriage is sooo lesbo" t-shirt at a public theme park, while smooching a dog on tv would bring up the elevated levels of mayhem you seek...

    just an idea.

    and i hope you get as arrested as your little heart desires. the stripey jumpsuit would look darling on you all!

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  12. Hey, Brent! The feds have said that, essentially, they’re not going to challenge people who file as married if they are doing so in good faith. But while I’m all for swatting at Perry & Co., I stop short of poking the I.R.S. … Terre Haute is where Eugene Debs was born, though! I could give a shout out to my brother-in-bondage as I was driven to the prison… It’d be more likely that I’d get sent to Leavenworth, which is where most of our local tax cheats go…

    @A Beer for the Shower: Texans can marry closer relatives than WEST VIRGINIANS. But I’ll take down one barrier at a time. Right now, I’m trying to prove that I was forced into bigamy because there is no state in the union where I meet the residency requirement to divorce my wife…

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  13. @Rafa: Yeah, that would be a dream-come-true: Multiple spouses with penile appendages. IT’s starting to sound more like a porno than a SWAT situation. At least, it would if I didn’t look like a Muppet.

    @Violet: Momma always told me if I set my mind and my heart one something, I could accomplish ANYTHING!

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  14. Have you tried being Catholic? Maybe that would help your cause. I'm allowed to say shit like that because, technically I'm Catholic.

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  15. Point taken. The IRS is famous for not participating in social commentary, nor having a sense of humor when it comes to filing a return as quadruple married, counting each other as dependents 12 times. Worse yet, who the heck wants to go to prison Kansas?

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  16. "The Sayer Of The Truth"August 3, 2011 at 6:45 AM

    Katy, so-called "Christian family values" are a ludicrous joke and a bloody load of old rubbish, as are: "momma", "apple pie", "baseball", and "puppies". I think its time you stopped being senti-girl-tal Katy and faced the truth about the hell-on-earth that we`ve unfortunately created for ourselves ! ! !.

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  17. @SugarFree: Yeah… Tough one. I discuss going to confession a couple entries back (inn “Sins of an Anarchist.” Actually, throughout much of Texas, being a Catholic is considered only marginally better than being a Satanist.

    @Brent: The bad thing is that in federal prisons, I don’t think they even assign each woman a bitch upon entry.

    @The Sayer of the Truth”: Did you just call my momma a bloody load of old rubbish?

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  18. I wonder what ole Good Hair Perry will do when he finds out there are pagans here...+

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  19. "The Sayer Of The Truth"August 3, 2011 at 12:07 PM

    I just called everybodys "momma" a bloody load of old rubbish, in fact everybody in the world is a bloody load of old rubbish because they`re all living their lives in a way which is the exact polar opposite of the way that we were all originally intended to live our lives, and that, as i said, equates to the appalling hell-on-earth that we all unfortunately have to deal with on a daily basis.

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  20. @YELLOWDOG GRANNY: Well, Gov. Perry was a democrat when the Dems were the majority, became a Republican when they became the majority… Last week, he was for gay marriage in New York before he was against it.
    So my guess is that his tolerance of pagans will depend on opinion polls. If he can score two political points by suggesting that they carted off to prison camps, then… prison camps it is!

    @”The Sayer of the Truth”: Okay, let me read that again… I’ll accept you were not singling my mother out as bloody rubbish.
    But how are we supposed to live?
    Christians would say THEY know, that it’s all right there in the Bible.
    Muslims would say it’s all right there in the Koran.
    I assume the way we are supposed to live is spelled out in those top-secret Gay & Lesbian Memos I get faxed every day.
    My dog would probably say if he talked and wanted to bother to say anything at all – that he’s supposed to live according to his instinct, developed through millions of years of evolution according to what best perpetuates the canine species (he’s a really smart dog, obviously)…

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  21. "The Sayer Of The Truth"August 3, 2011 at 2:42 PM

    Katy, we were meant to be: content, happy, joyful, calm, and totally free of anxiety or fear of any kind. Now look at the world we have got, a complete sham and abomination governed by: hatred, lies, hypocrisy, and absurd nonsense. By the way Katy, you know i`m completely right on this one so if you continue to argue with me its like you actually prefer hell-on-earth to the paradise that we should have.

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  22. Katy, dreamgirl, in the picture of you and the geezer holding the window frame is there any way that you could digitally or electronically mask him out of the image because i wont be able to jerk-off to it while that silly bastard is still in shot. Thanks Katy, you gorgeous little darlin`.

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  23. @“The Sayer of the Truth”: I want to agree, sort of. I think we might be built in a way in which we automatically want more, become unsatisfied with the status quo and current accomplishments, no matter how good. That might be part of our noncyclical, overly ambitious culture, I dunno.
    It sounds right to say we’re supposed to find a Utopia, slip into it, and stay there. I don’t know of any people or circumstances like that in practice though.
    I don’t think there is any one right way to live. I do think there are a lot of obviously wrong ones.

    @willyjerkoff: You write odd comments. I ran a search on your jervaise hamster alter ego a couple weeks back.
    You go around to a lot of blog pages and post comments using a few of the same names. The comments are always about "buggering" or masturbation. There are always negative responses from other commenters and the blog owners.
    It made me a little bit sad for you, and it made me wonder why you keep saying the same things.
    I’m not going to alter the photo, but I want you to know that you are a good person, that the Universe loves you, and you deserve better than this self-loathing lifestyle you’ve gotten yourself into…
    Ooh, and you should post a picture of yourself so we can fantasize about buggering you…

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    Replies
    1. Thank goodness someone thinks so.

      It's always funny in my head BEFORE I say or write it...

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  24. I am not a pansy queer. The only kind of buggery i`m interested in is heterosexual buggery. By the way Katy, i write "odd" com-girl-ts because i live in a world of bizarre surrealism and unfathomable, unclassifyable nonsense that is totally impossible to catorogize (both with regards to my own existence and the world around me).

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  25. Will, so, when I masturbate or have sex with a condom on, am I committing a sin against the laws of God and Texas?

    Katy - no wonder the DA wanted to go home. I'd love to have heard what he said to his Significant Other at the end of the day!

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  26. Since Katy here has the option not to approve nor respond to any comment submitted on her page, she must be feeling extra kind to allow some of this disgusting comments, and attempt to show sympathy and compassion for the commenter, who is clearly a human garbage to begin with.

    When my kids asked me why this unkept person in filthy clothes was holding up a cardboard sign by the traffic light, I told them that they were looking at a person who had failed as a human being in their life, most likely due to repeatedly being at the wrong place at the wrong time and doing the wrong things. But instead of doing the right thing, instead of getting a shave and washing up their clothes at the homeless shelter, so that they could earn their keep and restore their life by volunteering at the shelter or taking up other works of labor or mind, they chose to come to the traffic light, and by their sheer presence they were expressing their misery and contempt to the world, while refusing to accept their responsibility in doing better.

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  27. @willy jerk-off: Methinks you doth protest too much.
    When you’re ready to come out, people will be here to talk with you about it… Don’t despair. It gets better!

    @Bill the Butcher: That would be the “Every sperm is sacred argument.” Don’t spill your seed upon the ground. Don’t waste your jism on onanism…

    @5464: I’m not sure how you went from weird commenters to homeless people.
    Are my commenters homeless?
    Technically, I am right now, and I suppose by your definition that means I’m expressing “misery and contempt to the world.”
    I mean, how DARE homeless people ruin the day of others by… existing?

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  28. Katy, i presume you meant "come out" of my world of bizarre surrealism, THAT BETTER BE WHAT YOU MEANT DARLIN`, always keeping in mind my murderous homo-phobia.

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  29. @willy jerk-off: It is quite clear to me that your self-described "murderous homophobia" is just a sign that you're in the closet - probably even from yourself.
    A few years back, a bunch of suburb kids murdered a gay teen in my neighborhood. Of the 3 that went to prison for the murder, 2 of them came out of the closet while in prison! I think you're havinig the same kind of conflicting feelings...
    It's okay. So you and your alter ego jervaise hamster are crazy, over-the-top glitter bomb queer. This site is called "Lesbians in My Soup," so I'd hardly be the one to judge you for it...

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  30. @Katy: Then how do you explain the fact that my favorite web site is "The Pauline Hickey Fan Page" ?.

    @5464: Its difficult to think about washing yours clothes when you mind is an ocean of schizophrenia

    @Bill: shoving your knob up someones bum is perfection, as long as the individual being buggered is a beautiful gorgeous sexy 18 year-old GIRL ! ! !.

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  31. @willy: Don't know who that is, not going to look it up, but the thought that comes to me first is...
    The Nile?
    Is that what i was trying to say?
    "The Nile"?
    No, wait... D-de-den...
    I'll have it here in just a second...

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  32. Ah...you`re refering to "The Bangles" circa 1986, "Walk like an Egyptian". The lead singer was a stunning bird called Susanna, if i could have got my knob up that birds bum in 1977 when the bird was 18 i would have felt as though i owned the universe.

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  33. A person’s knee-jerk reaction often shows his true colors. I was in fact quite shocked and puzzled when I first saw the declaration “I am not a pansy queer.” It’s like when Bill Clinton said “I did not have sexual relations with that woman.” Or when Anthony Weiner said “that photo was not me.”

    It is also common knowledge that those who yap about it to strangers in a bar had probably never done it, while those who did it many times wouldn’t care to nor want to yap about it to strangers in a bar.

    Furthermore, judging from the scene at annual gay pride parades, those who make the loudest noise and the most vulgar gestures in public are in fact the biggest pansy queers around.

    BTW, I was drawing parallels between being homeless as the result of having failed in life, for whatever the reason, and being a vulgar loudmouth donkey as the result of having failed in life. And the point was not about how one failed in his life, since the world is never fair and everyone makes mistakes. The point was instead about how one decides to be a vulgar loudmouth donkey for every day of the rest of his life.

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  34. In other words "5464" you dont care about looneys or rampantly heterosexual geezers who hate pansy queer bastards.

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  35. No “Willy”, I was just trying to figure out if you were, a). a pansy queer, b). a loony or rampantly heterosexual geezer who hates pansy queer bastards, or my favorite, c). a vulgar loudmouth donkey.

    You care to enlighten us once and for all?

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  36. I really don't even know what the conversation is supposed to be about at this point...

    I obviously made a mistake approving any comments by this willy/jervaise/heather dumbass.

    Cut it out with the "pansy queer" stuff all around.

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  37. "The Sayer Of The Truth"August 4, 2011 at 4:56 PM

    Katy, i still think there is an intrinsic absurdity and inherent ludicrousness about the way we have to live our lives that we simply should not have to endure.

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  38. @5464: i am (b), thankfully.

    @Katy: When i read "willy/jervaise/heather dumbass" i nearly fell off my chair laughing

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  39. you poor thing. living in a country, nay, state that has bigamy laws. poor you.

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  40. @willy jerk-off:

    Please do not spam my site again in future. I'll delete all irrelevant responses by you. Thank you very much.

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  41. "The Sayer Of The Truth"August 6, 2011 at 10:00 AM

    Katy, did you know that the hideously sexually repressed hell-on-earth that we`ve unfortunately created for ourselves over the last 120 years is derived wholly and completely from the lies and hypocrisy of Hollywood and the media in general during that period.

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  42. simon zinc-trumpet harrisAugust 6, 2011 at 2:35 PM

    So Katy, 66 years ago today the war was brought to a thankful and merciful end with a giant mushroom, shall we all give thanks to J. Robert Oppenheimer and his colleagues at the Girl-hatton project circa 1945, without them we`d have all been speaking Japanese or Ger-girl for the last 66 years. Thats what i`m here for Katy, to educate and enlighten you about the world around you. They who have the hydrogen bombs make the rules, and thats not an over-simplification Katy, that really is all there is to it ! ! !.

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  43. You ever get the feeling that there are actually people who walk, oh I mean type, amongst us, and who would cut and paste boilerplate nonsense they believed to be the "truth" onto other people's blog pages?

    I could never get logically comfortable with the notion that "truth" should be spread from the fortunate few onto the masses of the apparent dumbness. Unfortunately the concept of Christianity has been built on this exact arrogant idiocy and affront of the human race.

    And the funny thing is, like what's happening in Houston this weekend, lead by yet another fortunate son of God - governor Perry, these wise men of religion or of "truth" are apparently so helpless at spreading their "truth", that they have to resort to an act of lunacy and laziness and incompetence - praying - to bring them the heaven on earth.

    Earth would have been better off if they had simply stayed home and swept up the sidewalk or planted a few trees.

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  44. "The Sayer Of The Truth"August 6, 2011 at 10:17 PM

    Exactly 5464, and just to put thing's into an even better perspective, if religion could have been completely eradicated from the American way of life in 1776 (or, even more ideally, almost 300 year's before that in 1492) just imagine how much more powerful America would be NOW on the world stage (and would have been in the intervening 235 years as well of course). America's power would be 1000 times (literally) greater than it is now. Religion is an ocean of lie's, hypocrisy, and idiotic nonsense. The fact that it is still poisoning vast area's of American society is bizarre to say the least. By the way 5464, its OK that you trashed me, i am "THE TRUTH" as my name would imply and obviously that makes me very unpopular in a hideous and hateful world that prefers lies and hypocrisy.

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  45. @”The Sayer of Truth”: Ha. I agree there is “an intrinsic absurdity and inherent ludicrousness about the way we live our lives.”
    Your comment reminds me of an old G.K. Chesterton quote (I’m paraphrasing): “It is one thing to be amazed at a gorgon or a griffin, creatures which do not exist. But it is quite another to be amazed at a rhinoceros or giraffe, creatures which do exist and looks as if they don’t.”

    @willy jerk-off: I will interpret that reaction – your swan song here, incidentally – as a compliment.

    @gman: Yeah, well, the unenforced law is clearly the man bringing me down. More troubling to me is that there isn’t a court in the country where I can divorce my wife – “unequal access to the court system” is supposed to be some kind of constitutional rights thing. But yeah, the man telling me to keep it to one spouse might be troubling, too, I suppose.

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  46. @Bill the Butcher: I wish you luck with that.

    @“Sayer of the Truth”: I was not aware that it was all because of Hollywood and the media. Admittedly, there is a lot I do not know.

    @simon zinc-trumpet: I read the other day about a guy in Sweden who built a nuclear reactor in his kitchen oven! He made the mistake of calling the authorities to ask if it was legal. Too soon, evidently, or else – according to your paradigm – he could have made the rules.

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  47. @5464: For better or worse (for better, I suspect), I don’t have enough influence in others’ lives to tell them they ought not to get together to pray. I think they ALL ought to pray together to move that sandal I’m looking at across the room one inch to the left. It’s a small, manageable task. That many folks ought to be able to handle it, and it would REALLY change my attitude on the whole prayer thing!

    @“The Sayer of the Truth”: No prayer since 1776 would probably mean that Nick Cave’s “Tender Prey” album would have been very, very different. And that’s too high a price to pay.

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  48. simon zinc-trumpet harrisAugust 7, 2011 at 1:04 AM

    Katy, a nuclear reactor and a nuclear bomb are two very different things.

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  49. "The Sayer Of The Truth"August 7, 2011 at 1:09 AM

    Katy, you are a very frivolous, decadent, flippant, cheeky, and naughty young girl. By the way, G.K. Chesterton was a bloody tosser.

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  50. Sorry Katy, running way behind on comments. This is what I get for being a semi responsible adult. Scanning the previous comments, apparently I didn't miss anything.

    In Texas, I believe in order of most offensive, it is New Yorker, Satanist, then Catholic.

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  51. @simon zinc-trumpet: You obviously have never tasted my cooking…

    @“The Sayer of Truth”: When I set up my “Praise for Lesbians in My Soup” page, I’m going to include your comment as a quote. Including the bit about G.K. Chesterton…

    @Brent: I’ll be amed if I’m going to walk into the office of a county D.A. in Texas and try to convince them I’m a New Yorker, though. I’ve seen those old Pace Picante Sauce commercials! They’ll go get a rope right then and there, due process be damned!

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  52. "The Sayer Of The Truth"August 8, 2011 at 5:07 AM

    Thanks Katy, i really appreciate it.

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  53. If you really want to get punished, just go on a street corner near his office and yell, "Corporations are evil!"

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  54. @Cal-el: That’s just crazy talk, Cal.
    Why is it that the forces of political correctness won’t let me make fun of a bum or kick a cripple, but it’s perfectly okay to badmouth a corporation, which is as much a person as you or me (see Santa Clara County vs. Southern Pacific Railroad, 118 U.S. 394)?
    We have special advocates for children and the blind and people with… that weird disease where the people twitch a lot, but who is speaking up for Exxon and BP and Apple?
    Who will speak for the transnationals?
    Okay, I have to go calm down now.

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