Sunday, August 7, 2011


I met her in the comments section of

It was 2004. She was a straight married girl arguing in favor of gay marriage and I was a lonely queer girl arguing against it, because, I mean, the frills, the 50+% divorce rate, the Middle America hetero expectations? Why bother?

And I remember telling my brother – after I’d only talked to her like maybe twice and only on the phone like maybe once – that I thought she could end up being sort of a very big deal for me.

And I remember my brother – overseas somewhere, discovering Asia or something, talking on a landline in a place where cell towers still had not been invented yet – saying this: “Well, have her talk to her husband, K. You know how those straight guys get turned on by the idea of their lady doing another lady. Shit, maybe he’ll go for it. Who knows?”

And I remember thinking, talking to my brother, how it was possible to consume an awful lot of Alan Watts and psilocybin while hiking through East Asia and still not manage to crack open the skull with even a teeniest pinch of enlightenment. Whatever enlightenment was. Or is. Or will be…

Dana was an “Older Woman” to me then – a capital “O” and a capital “W” – and she believed then and she believes now that everything happens for a reason. What a curious thing to believe!

But this is not a love song, an ode, some kind of cockamamie nostalgic love poem to Dana. This is me, now, in 2011, me outside of her house – our house! Me with a fistful of wilted flowers in my hand. This is me running through the reasons in my mind why I need to ring that bell and knock the knocker and present the same wasted, scrawny, ridiculous me to her as someone she’d maybe want to live with some more.

For me the reasons are obvious and many, and it’s not just the part about how I’ve been sleeping on a cot in the back room of an underground Quik-E-Mart and sneaking the odd shower in office buildings for several weeks. That I don’t mind, really; my attitude has always been an attitude that sees it as “I’m not homeless – I’m a Land Pirate!” but this is about more than just that.

Yeah, this is me and my life being better with Dana than without Dana, and since she won’t cut all ties to time and place and join me as a wandering gypsy, I must chain myself down to the here and now knowing I’ll still come out ahead.

This is me without Dana not even managing to get my socks on the right feet.

This is me ringing the bell and knocking the knocker and shrugging and admitting I’m pretty much a dumbass who will act like a dumbass again. And again. Meet the new Katy. Same as the old Katy.

I’ll admit it: I do not know anything. I used to think I knew some things, but now I know better.


  1. This is strangely unbecoming of you, isn't it? It is wonderful for one person to be in need of another, but not really physically, but mentally, soulfully. I am just surprised that you would start to become this way. But still, it's a good thing, every little baby step helps, especially when that person does make you happier.

  2. I hate using the words "cute" or "sweet" so I won't. Those words are just soooo not metal. That being said, I don't know how to describe what you wrote. You're both beautiful. Much love.

  3. At some point in time, all people in serious relationships come to the same conclusion you have, you are better off with the person than without. Sucks don't it? Welcome to my world.

    PS you need to trademark Land Pirate.

  4. @meandmythinkingcap: How could anything that starts off with “I met her in the comments section of” NOT be sweet?
    Seriously, though… I’m not an arrogant and aloof, coldhearted bitch ALL of the time. Every 5th Sunday, I smile at a puppy, just to keep myself in practice.

    @5464: I’m stumbling towards domestication. Plus Dana is fairly reliable at coming up with bail money.

    @Rafa: Yeah. This is why chicks can never REALLY be metal. All that hormone shit. The testonsterone injections should start to straighten that out, though…

    @Brent: It could be worse.
    I mean, I don’t feel like a prisoner or a slave.
    I know married people who have to report in every 10 minutes. People who have to leave parties at my house early so they can help their spouse find an expiration date on a loaf of bread (true story).
    It could a LOT worse.

  5. I don't normally go for love stories (and I haven't had any love stories that worked out) but this did strike me in the right place.

    All the best.

  6. I wasted all this time on, when I could have found someone on Please direct me to the most recent abortion story. I hear those women put out.

  7. But does Dana make you apologize for any rash decision or temper tantrum you threw at her? And maybe more importantly, have you actually apologized on such occasion?

    For someone who is obviously not ready for "domestication" why did you get married in the first place?

    Besides, if you think running out of a party to check on an expiration date was pathetic, a year and a half ago my significant other at the time called me up in the middle of the day, and dragged me through 4 hours of mental torture, all because she might be losing a gravy-train big client.

    The give in any worthwhile relationship is always more than the take.

  8. @Bill the Butcher: I’m just relieved that it’s recognizable as writing that shows affection for another human being! Because that’s not my forte in writing nor in life, and I was sort of worried this might just come across as “Hell yeah! I’m back in the house, baby!”

    @A Beer for the Shower: It’s a modern love story. Girl meets girl at; girl gets girl; girl gets run out of the house and has to live in the tunnels beneath downtown Houston for a few weeks…

    @5464: I don’t know if she MAKES me apologize for the dumb stuff I do. I usually apologize, but it’s usually because seeing her hurt isn’t fun. I do some stupid stuff… In general, I think Dana gets the bad end of this deal.

  9. Yeah, I know the feeling ... exactly.

    But, well, nothing is unredeemable, right? Otherwise we wouldn't have a reason to live and to see what happens next. For instance, that person I talked about, she still bugs me at times, but not as crazy as before, lol.

  10. what? what? ...what the fuck? news? you gotta be shitting me.

  11. It's not about finding someone you can live with, it's finding someone you can't live without.

    Live and learn Katy - 'cos at the end of the day as long as you learn there's nothing wrong with making mistakes :)

  12. Well, I guess these means that I should stop trying to find MY soul mate on commenting sections. There can't possibly be TWO great ones there.

  13. @5464: I don’t feel qualified to answer that. Maybe when we come together this Saturday to pray for a god – any god! – to move a children’s size 3 flip flop a quarter of an inch (in any direction), we’ll be in a better position to know for sure.

    @YELLOWDOG GRANNY: Believe me, if there was another even remotely honest way to explain how Dana and I met, I would gladly tell THAT version…

    @dirtycowgirl: That sounds about right… or else I’ll use it as my working hypothesis until something else that makes more sense comes along.

    @IWS Radio: It’s like my momma always said; “You have to kiss a lot of xenophobic-redneck-flaming-troll-frogs before you find your Princess Dana.”

  14. Truthfully courageous to express color I profess the world needs more sweet.

    And you must really reak...

  15. Hope it works out! Seriously. Sounds like you've got it bad.

    One upon a time a beautiful young lad tried to convince Socrates that love was for the birds, and we should all just have a good time and not let our hearts get all tied in knots because its so painful and degrading and generally awful to fall in love. Socrates was on the verge of agreeing (and possibly on the verge of scoring) when a sudden inspiration/madness came over him, and he realized that he and his date were surrounded by unseen spies (the cicades singing in the trees all around them) who would report back to Eros and the Muses that they were Blaspheming Against Love. To save his ass from the Wrath of the Gods, Socrates then proceeded to declaim upon The Madness That Is Love And Why This Madness Is A Great Gift Of The Gods. But I can see from what you've written, Katy, that you know all this already. Firsthand.

  16. @birds: There’s that damn word “sweet” again.
    The thing is, I wasn’t going to post this one – especially since I had the prayer one ready to go already. But it had a couple good lines in it, so I did.
    Now I look like the blogging equivalent of Celine Dion…

    @Apuleius Platonicus: The Cicadas! I love that story.
    The thing is, if you read the early Christian thinkers – especially the Greek Fathers in the desert, but even Paul – they were all horribly against relationships and love. Mostly because they thought the world was getting ready to end and there was no time for this crap.
    Tertullian called marriage a moral crime and “more dreadful punishment than death.” Augustine expressed regret later in life for not having made himself a eunuch.
    These guys were probably brilliant dudes, but they weren’t very good at being human.
    I’ll go for the opposite of what they say when it comes to, you know, being here now.

  17. I wish I had a nickel for every time I have regretted that Augustine did not make himself a eunuch. And yes, being married to a fuck-wad like Tertulian would certainly be worse than death. (Is there supposed to be a hyphen in fuck-wad?)

  18. @Apuleius Platonicus: Anyone who can manage to make jokes about Augustine and Tertullian gets a free pass on proper hyphenation.

  19. Katy - I was shocked at your comment. Bread has an expiration date??

  20. @Brent: The other night, Dana was washing off a mushroom and asked me if I “thought this looked alright.”
    I said, “It’s a fungus. What is the worst that could happen to it?”

  21. I have had bad mushrooms, the end result isn't pretty. I am going to save "looking for the expiration date on the bread" as my excuse to leave a lame New Years Eve party. Most would assume we were leaving to have sex...I mean S... E... X...

    Seriously, the best couples are composed of people who are comfortable in their own skin. It is the overly needy or overly domineering, or overly whatever ones, who are not comfortable with themselves as people, who crash and burn. I am going to write my thesis using my 5X married brother as a research subject.

  22. @Brent: Most of the single people I know get very depressed about the fact of being single and become convinced that finding someone is going to solve their problems.
    I tend to think that if you hate yourself, finding someone is only going to make it worse.
    Randy Newman has a song called “I Want You to Hurt (Like I Do).” The title pretty well captures the mentality.
    (On the other hand, you have to be a real optimist to get married 5 times. To look into Wife #5's eyes and think "This is forever!")

  23. So then do you prefer a woman who stays loving and loyal and responsible towards her original spouse, while sharing parts of her life with another who possesses and provides what her spouse couldn't?

    I think a mature and enlightened man would prefer a woman like that, too.

  24. @5464: Hey there.
    I don’t really know how to answer that. I don’t generally decide what I like and then go looking for something to fill the pigeonhole.
    I usually just end up stumbling into something that works.
    Form follows substance as opposed to vice versa.
    Just as well, really, as the same thing never seems to work twice.

  25. "Now I look like the blogging equivalent of Celine Dion…"

    um. No. It's weirder than that. Your head is in a very un-Katy place. Well, you know.. un-other-Katy. oh whatever.

    This is a darn unique piece for you.. in a "take a grain of salt seriously" sort of way. If I make myself clear.

  26. @JerseyDave: A couple weeks living in the tunnels beneath Houston will do that to a gal, I guess.
    Plus, someone who used to read my old stuff said that my new stuff suffered from a lack of emotional depth. Challenge accepted.

  27. Katy - a very valid point, if you are unhappy with your self and need someone else to complete you, then it is a relationship doomed from the start.

    By the way, thank you for the clarity. My brother is not a womanizing drunk but just really optimistic! I like it!!

  28. "...a lack of emotional depth. Challenge accepted."

    grunt. It's a start. Not that I could blaze a trail with my writing... cheers.

  29. "My brother is not a womanizing drunk but just really optimistic!"

    There is a difference?!

  30. @Brent: What can I say? I’m a romantic.

    @JerseyDave: “The thousand mile journey starts with a single step.” – Lao-Tsu

  31. I am all for LOVE and the Lovers who rock your world. Anyone who says otherwise is a fradeycat, and probably never "fell" in love.
    Pishaw to them.
    I say- HOORAY!

  32. @Violet: Yeah... yeah. I'm getting some comments about how I must be going soft in my old age, basically. But I'm in favor of people who can put up with each other and who can make each other's existence a little less intolerable doing so.
    Who wouldn't be in favor of that?


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