Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Gay Neighbors: A Needs Assessment

They say a good neighbor ought to know her community. They say it’s its own reward to have some kind of shared sense of place in this world.

And so I try but it can be painful and it can be confusing.

This neighborhood was too gay...
Like the other day, I am driving down Fairview and this twelve foot tall black tranny walks out in front of my van and falls over. Just collapses right there in front of me. I look out and it’s wigs-a-go-go out there and I’m not sure what to do and I look over at my daughter and I start singing: “These are the people in your neighborhood / In your neighborhood / In you neigh-bor-HOOD!”

Except that it’s 2011 and she’s six and she doesn’t know about Mister Rogers. She knows about twelve foot tall trannies on Fairview, but Mister Rogers? Forget it.

But still I try to know my community, and so I’m reading all the local papers, and lately, everywhere I look the papers are worrying about how maybe my neighborhood just isn’t gay enough anymore. Maybe the breeders have come to Montrose and maybe they are taking over.

Now, this is not an entirely easy admission for me, but the truth is I’m clueless as to what the optimum level of homosexuality in a neighborhood might be… or what one would do to change that level… or frankly, even to be made aware of the level.

As though there could be some sort of mandatory reporting system… or maybe a daily forecast. I would turn on my television and there would be some local reporter – Frank Billingsley, I suppose, for reasons that are only too obvious – and he’d say something like, “The high temperature tomorrow will be 103 in the metro, and there’s been an ozone warning issued for Harris County. And down in the Montrose this week, sodomy levels have really bottomed out to historic new lows!”

On second thought, perhaps he should not say “bottomed out” after all, because that could be taken for a double entendre, and there’s nothing straight society hates more than gay double entendres.

The truth is that it’s 2011 and I live in fourth largest city in the nation and there’s nary a “Kill a Queer for Christ” sticker to be found anywhere. Hell, I could probably even move to The Woodlands, and if it should so happen that I am tarred and feathered by the natives, there’s a reasonably good chance it’d be for something other than homosexual conduct.

I think back to how, when my gay ancestors came to this country from… I don’t know, the Isle of Lesbos, I suppose… they moved into Montrose because they had to move into Montrose. And they didn’t speak the straight language and they couldn’t send their kids to the straight schools and it was sort of a Gay Ghetto, but they dreamed of a day when their children or their children’s children could finally move into straight society and get straight jobs that did not involve interior decorating or coaching gym classes at the local junior high school.

...and this neighborhood wasn't gay enough...
Grandpa DeeDee wouldn’t have wanted me living in no Gay Ghetto.

And also I guess I worry because, well, we’ve made such strides in this society and here we have the makings of a dystopian nightmare straight out of Orwell… or Ballard… or even Hannity.

Here we have the beginnings of Sexual Predilection Segregation.

Because if you can’t put the folks who slide Tab A into Slot B into the same neighborhood as the folks who just rub Slot Bs together… who the hell can you put together?

I mean…Where does it stop? How can the Fasters live with the Slowers live with the Right-There-Yes-Right-There-ers?

What do you do about the old guy sitting on his front porch getting nostalgic about how the neighborhood used to be?: “Yeah, I remember when I was growin’ up around here. In my day, there was oral sex in every direction as far as the eye could see. And there used to be a helluva lot more tongue. What happened to all the damn tongue?”

Couples who preferred to stick with the missionary position would wear little patches on their shirts to identify themselves and they would have to stay in the suburbs and limit their shopping excursions to Tuesdays. And the BDSM freaks could only show their little leather hoods out in public on Fridays, when they would be allowed four whole hours to hose out their cages and walk their slave on a leash in complete freedom.

And the Masturbation Pride Parade would happen each February in the Heights and there’d be free towels and tube socks provided for everyone, to be followed by the obligatory full day of thorough street cleaning.

And nobody-but-nobody could fraternize with somebody or anybody of a different sexual predilection from themselves…

As for me, you may say I’m a dreamer, but still I dream of a nation where perverts of all sorts and shapes and sizes can walk side-by-side and hand-in-hand and even gland-in-gland proudly in the streets. A nation where even a vaguely misanthropic-yet-humble blogger – who also happens to engage in Double Bigamy (All the Way) – can walk her dog in the same neighborhood dog park as that guy down the street who married a yak.

...but this neighborhood was just right!
Oh, the hell with it and this blog has become ridiculous now but how could it help but be ridiculous now when it’s all about whether my neighborhood is gay enough? Me, I think any neighborhood I am in automatically becomes just about the right level of gay… And I hope someday you’ll join us and the world will be as one and all that jazz.

So there you go. That community-minded enough for ya? I feel one with my community and all warm inside now.

Post it and print it. I’m going to go sit in my bedroom closet alone and drink until I pass out.


  1. The fact that you still feel like going into your closet to drink, tells me that maybe ur neighborhood isn't gay enough.

  2. Unless there is some gay segregation area, I doubt the neighborhood will ever be gay enough. :/

    I actually pity gays living in Singapore because there are almost no gay rights. So count yourself lucky.

  3. @Rafa: Really though, there aren’t all that many people I like to be around. Sexual orientation doesn’t change that too much.
    It would sort of be nice if it did, because then I would know where to find the cool people.
    But everybody else in the world is pretty much intolerable…. Except for me!

    @Lemons Don’t Make Lemonade: Oh hell yes! In fact, I think that is the “problem” people are seeing with my neighborhood – gay folks have been accepted to such an extent, there is little downside to living in the same neighborhoods as everyone else anymore.
    When it comes to being OUT at least, I’ve got in better here than most people on earth.

  4. I live in Jonesboro, Arkansas. There is like, the opposite of a gay neighborhood, all over.
    It's pretty awful.
    We do have a UU church, and one gay owned bar, but it's not a "gay bar," the owners just happen to be gay.
    The south. Gotta love it.

  5. I live in West, Texas..population 2,938 or there about's..the most popular bar in town was ran by a gay couple.Merle and T.J. no one cared..only thing they cared about is if the barkeep is fast and the beer is ice cold..T.J. passed away and Merle sold the bar and is looking for love in all the wrong places..but I remember when we were just gay enough.

  6. @Timothy Bowen: Gay only happens where it is accepted. Everywhere else, no one does it. Right?
    I was in Arkansas once on my way to Branson, Missouri. It was memorable. I wrote a blog about it years ago. I should repost it.

    @YELLOWDOG GRANNY: That’s TWO rural-ish southerners in a row who know gay bar owners! Hmmm…
    I don’t care what people do one way or the other, really, so long as they point it away from me…

  7. I'd point it right at you..... and you'd like it!

    I completely agree that we should marry what we want. I dream of a neighborhood where we can freely walk hand in hand with our monkey or dog wives. If you want to marry a turtle or fuck the hell out of a cat, go right ahead. Why is it wrong to eat a horses pussy? Can we not get equal rights for house pussy eaters? I mean, if that's what I was born to do........right. sign me up.

  8. @Anonymous: You DO ask tough questions, and I’m probably the wrong person to ask.
    I mean, I’m the one trying to get arrested for bigamy...
    My mind is overly legalistic that way – I can see the logic behind allowing any two people legally capable of consent to have sex or marry. Or rather, I don’t see where government finds the power to say they can’t.
    But my (admittedly sometimes weak) imagination can’t wrap itself around how a child or an animal can be deemed to consent to sex or enter a contract for marriage. I mean, other than that sexy orangutan I met that one time. She totally wanted it…
    But years from now, the kids will say I was square and old fashioned, I suppose.

  9. That's funny.
    But if we limit it to "human to human" marriage I'm sure someone will come along and want us to acknowledge woman to barbie doll marriage.
    It's kinda like gun laws. For every new restriction passed, the next one is easier to pass. Before you know there will be no guns at all.
    If we start changing marriage laws before too long marriage itself will be obsolete. (I have a good book idea for that subject.)
    Serious question: keep in mind you are dealing with an ignorant country boy here. What benefits would you receive if your marriage was acknowledged by the state? Insurance? Aren't you just like any common law couple..... double income, sleep in the same bed, know.....just like everyone else.
    You've exchanged rings and love each other I'm assuming.

  10. @Anonymous: As I say this, keep in mind I am in no way a gay rights activist and I sort of resent the anti-gay crowd for making folks heroes out of a bunch of obnoxious queer activists who have really done nothing more than have sex. Proud sex, mind you, but…
    That being said, there are a whole boatload of things we set up for married people under the law, and I’m not entirely sure that the government ought to care what the couple’s genitals are shaped like.
    I’ve seen partners denied access in hospital settings to see their dying partners. I’ve seen partners thrown out of their home onto the street by a dead partner’s parents.
    I’ve seen folks who believed they were legally married denied death benefits, inheritance, access to children, and people who couldn’t insure their children at all because of a legally questionable relationship. (While common law heteros in Texas = legally married)
    But like I said, I’m not an activist. No agenda really. I make fun of pretty much everything. Politics is too damn ornery for me.

  11. Thank you. Inheritance would be a big one. I just assumed the bigamy idea was to draw attention for same-sex marriage.
    I'll leave a name so we can continue our conversations.
    You better go to bed..... its getting late.

  12. I'm nostalgic for the days when the word "gay" merely meant "happy and joyful."

  13. I live in an area full of conservative Christian families, so we're definitely not gay enough. I can only do so much to gay things up, but since I'm not a big fan of men, it's hard. Or maybe I should say it's not hard. I need help.

  14. Those of is in Montrose who can afford to buy property here think it's too gay. Go rent somewhere else.

  15. Thanks, Derek!
    It’s always sort of tough for me when people ask me questions as though I represent the gay perspective on things. I’m cynical about… well, everybody, I think, and I really don’t care who someone is sleeping with unless it’s me.
    On the other hand, I like getting people to talking, and nothing does that better than talking about religion… or gay people… or politics…

    @Bill the Butcher: Pink feather boas make ANYONE happy and joyful, though, don’t they?

    @Beer for the Shower: Stay where you are. I’m sending you over a guy who goes by the name of “Helen”… He’ll gay you and you neighborhood up quicker than you can say “Fabulous!”

    Hi, Anonymous! There are parts of Montrose that have a fairly well-to-do set of the gay community represented.
    Then there’s Fairview.
    I don’t know what % of what sexual orientation rent vs. own. But there’s always more room for a few more townhomes, right?

  16. *sigh* "I’m going to go sit in my bedroom closet alone and drink until I pass out."

    Well at least we know why you're writing is on fire. You tortured artist you... Love.

  17. ..and, to keep The Challenge alive, I see that having conquered the "more emotion" aspect of story-telling you're now heading for the long anticipated "love making" scene... never straight, always forward.

  18. Straight people have every other neighborhood in the city wwhre they can go live with their sniveling kids and country music records. Why they got to come live in the Montrose? We had something too mice and they want it?

    I wouldn't let them in. Tell them to go somewhere else. Montrose for the gays now and for the gays forever baby!

  19. @JerseyDave: I do what I can.
    I'm not very tortured. Maybe a little screwed up, but not tortured.

    @Anonymous: Segregation today, segregation tomorrow, segregation forever!
    And we probably will have to be careful that fake gays don't get into the neighborhood, too. Maybe we can force them to prove they're not just pretending.
    Maybe I'll check to see what they did in Mississippi to keep blacks out of certain neighborhoods in the 50's, because that could give us some good ideas on how to do this.

  20. I think we're looking for a Vigorous Needs Assessment.

  21. I guess I'm lost. Do gay neighborhoods have better bbq than other neighborhoods?
    What's the big deal? Are the road signs painted rainbow colors, do the women now the grass while the men wash the dishes?
    This is a very interesting topic. It sounds like a gang war. Y'all need to "tag" some buildings just to let all the straight thugs know they are encroaching on your turf.
    See any patterns today.

  22. Okay, I cannot decide which phrase is twirling in my brain more:
    "12 foot tranny"
    "My Daughter"

    Trying to picture each melted my mind!

  23. @Derek: According to someone in the article I linked to, Montrose residents can’t be bohemian anymore because so many residents are straight. Apparently having sex with people of the same gender makes one artsy!
    Actually, the area was always pretty interesting – cool record stores, art festivals, clubs, nifty restaurants. And a lot of that that torn down for townhomes. And that’s not directly sex orientation-related.

    @Violet: Haha… Gotta be BLACK tranny, too. I don’t know what it is about (different!) super-tall African-American transgendered hookers wandering down Fairview on weekends. There always seems to be ONE.
    The daughter thing, well… the kids look more like Dana than they do me. I wonder why that is…

  24. If I thought I was confused before....
    The straight people won't allow for the other folks to be Czechoslovakian?

  25. Whoa. Katherine, your comment got "removed by the author" on the wise county blog. Please reveal what it said!

  26. Katherine.. hmmm.. hadn't thought of that. Katherine.

  27. @Anonymous: My great-grandfather used to have another name for people from Czechoslovakia. I think it might have been an ethnic slur.
    I dunno.
    Are Czechs AND gays both artsy?
    Stereotypes are way more complicated than they ought to be...

    @Derek: I deleted one my own comments over there on Friday afternoon.
    It was a joke that didn't work.
    Obviously, I usually leave the bad jokes up. I made an exception.
    I can't imagine how offensive something would have to be over on that page for BG to remove it himself!

  28. @JerseyDave: How does "Katherine" aid your Lesbians in My Soup experience?

  29. For me, it adds about 5 years in age and a bit more worldliness to the primary character. I like it to imagine things that way, as part of my experience.

    Katherines are also taller than Katy's as long as you're askin'.

  30. @JerseyDave: Okay...
    Do you think I made her eyes too big? I mean, that's not very believable, is it?
    And the bigamy thing is a little over-the-top...
    I'll make her taller with smaller eyes, and maybe 40 years old...
    Stupid Katy character...

  31. Alright, alright - it's your art. Not mine. It's my fault she doesn't resonate with me. I've brought my baggage with me, who knew. I'll sit over here in the corner and try to hold my tongue. Or whatever.

    I wish there were some editorial oversight on the comments section - don't you?

  32. @JerseyDave: I gotta admit that I was a little confused as to what the hell you were talking about at first, man, but I'm with you now.
    I'm thinking I oughta revamp Katy entirely.
    She's going to be black, and beautiful, with big tits, and forget this lesbian stuff.
    Let me go talk to my parents about it. Maybe they can orchestrate some sort of return or exchange...

  33. "Maybe they can orchestrate some sort of return or exchange..."

    I'm sure they can, and if they do you'll let us know!

  34. Don't need an exchange.
    Lesbian part is fine.... although I frequently imagine you with a tiny Asian.
    Small tits= hawt.
    Black = nasty.
    Eyes are s.e.x.y.
    Just need more intimates.

  35. @JerseyDave: I am sorry my personal blog does not live up to the hopes you might have for a satisfying blogging experience.
    I have to admit that I can relate, as there have been times when my life – from which I draw material for this very blog – has not lived up to my expectations for a satisfying living experience.
    And that can be tough. I generally have to drown myself in better wine, better women, and better music to get past it.

    @Anonymous: Consider the suggestions added to my “Reader Recommendation” checklist. Along with JerseyDave’s recent recommendations.

  36. What's the deal Katy? Pointy headed Ricky Perry signs an "anti gay marriage pledge" and now a school system in New Jersey banned the book Norwegian wood because a handful of parents complained of a lesbian sex scene. I guess you are the ball in the 2011/12 game of Political Beach Volleyball.

  37. I think the whole of Montrose should be torched to the ground. It's probably full of the disease that turns people gay. Yeah, it might be a small number now, but you know that stuff spreads. It's just like gay marriage. If gays marry, gay marriage is going to spread to straight couples. We need to rid Texas of this scourge so God will send that rain that Perry prayed for!

  38. Darn it. I have to leave another comment since I forgot to check the box for notification, so... how 'bout those Nicks?

  39. I'm sure Perry has my name on a list somewhere for being a lesbian lover.

  40. Cal - Gay Zombies explains everything! Thank man!!

  41. @Brent: I'm a trendsetter - what can I say?
    Really, there seem to be a lot of cheap games being played all around.
    Ralph Nader used to talk about "GONADAL POLITICS"... It gets people riled up.

    @Cal-el: History is on the side of the LGBT community. We've played our PR cards quite well.
    Plus, Dick Cheney can't accidentally have a black daughter...

  42. the Masturbation Pride Parade
    I purchased the program for this year’s parade but the pages were stuck together…

    As for me, you may say I’m a dreamer, but still I dream of a nation where perverts of all sorts and shapes and sizes can walk side-by-side and hand-in-hand and even gland-in-gland proudly in the streets.
    Lovely sentiments but there might be a few practical problems to get over…The little steppers and big steppers will never be able to keep pace with each other. While the people that walk about on their hands will struggle to walk hand-in-hand with anyone (I guess they might be able to attempt hand in foot – which would be orgasmic for foot-fetishers…..

  43. @BlackLOG: Yeah, I'd have to say that in general, this blog has not brought people together the way I'd sort of hoped.
    This blog is a divider, not a uniter.
    So Sexual Predilection Segregation still reigns, but my next blog - "Agree with Me or Get the Hell Out" - might do more to change that.

  44. @Anonymous I'm surprised that people have missed the most obvious union of this day and age... "human to computer" marriages. After all, computers need love too, don't they?

  45. @KatyDid Can Dick Cheney have a black daughter on purpose?

  46. "Agree with Me or Get the Hell Out" - I've had that hook of yours in my lip for years and can't get it out. It's been very effective.

  47. @Cal: I think he can have black offspring on purpose easier than he can have a daughter on purpose, let alone a gay daughter.
    If I'm wrong, of course, it wouldn't be the first time my knowledge of biology has been brought into question tonight...

    @JerseyDave: Tough crowd tonight.
    Do I generally discourage blog folks from expressing alternative points of view?

  48. This is unrelated to this blog, but I thought you might want to get a load of this.

    Someone working on Earth Day Brasil posted this to everyone and it concerns me.

  49. @Cal-el: Just had a quick look at it, but I see it concerns corporate power... and I'm all about rethinking THAT.
    That ought to concern everyone a lot more than it does!

  50. @KatyDid While I agree that everyone should rethink corporate power, I'm not sure that this groups other assertions are valid, though I may not understand their points. You would know more about these things than I do.

  51. @Cal-el:
    Upon perusing their page, the red flag for me was their repeated vague references to the Constitution.
    "Staying true to the Constitution" and "bringing back Constitutional values" are RARELY arguments made by people who understand the Constitution, best I can tell.
    It's usually a claim made by people who have maybe 1 or 2 amendments they place above the others.
    Like Ron Paul - he states that banning workplace and public accommodations discrimination is UNconstitutional, and in order to back up that claim, has to say that the 14th amendment is bunk.
    In other words, in order for him to explain his beliefs are consistent with the Constitution, he has to advocate throwing out parts of the Constitution!


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