Sunday, September 11, 2011

What I Did for Love

My best behavior.

She said my best behavior. Not somebody else’s best behavior. She did not say that. But my best behavior. Mine.

And I believe we can agree, you and I can, that that is a subjective standard. Just like how my favorite song is not your favorite song. Were you to hear it, you probably would not like my favorite song very much.

My best church clothes probably would not fit you, and even if they did fit you, you probably would not wish to wear them. They are not your best church clothes. They are not objectively the best church clothes possible. Not Plato’s Ideal Church-clothes-ness. Nuh-uh.

No, when Dana – who is my wife – came in to talk to me the other day, she was specific in what she said. I even wrote it down, word for word, in the little pocket note pad I keep with me at all times. When Dana came in to talk to me the other day, this is what she said. She said, “Katy, we just hired a new associate. Partner track. And she has invited everybody in our department to her house for dinner tomorrow night.”

Dana is a lawyer, you see, and she works for a big law firm in a very tall building downtown in Houston. From way high up in that very tall building, Dana and all the other lawyers make sure that the rich people and the powerful people who make the all rules get to keep all the property that the rules they made were intended to protect.

And Dana said, “So there is going to be this dinner, and everybody is going to go and to bring their Significant Other. And I very much want you to go with me. But you understand you have to be on your best behavior.”

Now, to you, what she said there might sound a little bit patronizing. A little bit like maybe she was talking down to me. But she was not talking down to me. It is just that Dana has known me for very nearly seven whole years and that sometimes, I can be a bit challenging to bring out in public in polite society.

But I promised, and then we practiced the dinner fork thing again, and on the night of the dinner I put on some makeup and I even took an extra one of those pills the doctor gave me that keep me from screaming in public.

My best behavior. Nothing was left to chance.

And when I had dressed up in my good clothes and taken my pills – which are not your pills – and left the kids with my husband and with his husband, then Dana and I drove to a fancy pants section of town where this new associate lived with this new associate’s fancy pants husband.

So you see, it was all going splendidly and nothing was left to chance right up until the moment the new associate opened the door to greet us. For, when the new associate opened the door to greet us, what up until that moment had looked to be headed for a splendid evening of best behavior and mature adultitude, it all came to a screeching halt.

The thing is, I knew her. The new associate, I mean. Not like I knew the other associates and partners there. Most of others I know from the underground shop where I work. They all come down to buy cigarettes and Coca-Colas, birthday cards, and small bags of designer potato chips called Doritos from me all the time.

No, see, this new associate’s name is Victoria. And a long time ago, Victoria was the first person I ever asked out on a date, which is a private social event intended as a prelude to sex. A long time ago, when I asked Victoria out on this date, Victoria said this: “Ha! Haha! Why would you ever think I want to go on a date with you? Haha.”

I remember that at the time, I was surprised by this response. I did not know what to say. My face got hot and my heart did weird things and I blurted out something like, “Oh, I am so sorry. I thought you… that you were… You know, I thought you were like me. That you liked women.”

And a long time ago, Victoria said this: “Ha. Oh, I do prefer women. But what the hell makes you think that I – me! – would ever agree to go out on a date with a scrawny, bug-eyed dyke like you? Hahaha.”

That experience stuck with me for a while. I did not ask another person out on a date for a long time. Now that experience sort of came flooding back at me as Victoria opened her door to greet us. And now, as Dana introduced us, Victoria pretended not to know me and I pretended not to know Victoria. What else could I do?

Still, when I got inside, I accepted the glass of wine that was offered to me. And the second glass. I think it was a finer quality wine than the bottles I keep next to my bed. But by the third glass, it did not make very much difference.

Everyone seemed happy. The lawyers were telling lawyer stories. The couples were telling couples stories.

I decided that I needed to go outside for a cigar. I went.

Five minutes later, Dana came out to find me. I was standing next to a fountain. I was smoking a cigar.

Dana, she has known me for very nearly seven whole years. She could tell something was wrong. She asked me what was going on.

I said, “Dana, I am going to burn down this house.”

But Dana said, “Katy, do not burn anything. I need this job so we can pay for our home, and for the kids’ school, and for those pills the doctor gives you that keep you from screaming in public. Love is about compromising what you want sometimes. So please, no fires.” Then she went back inside Victoria’s house.

Some more time went by and I was still outside, alone by the fountain. But five minutes later, all that changed. Five minutes later, a whole lot of people were outside, running around and screaming and throwing water from the fountain onto a row of potted plants which had gone up in flames.

The potted plants burned almost like torches. Surprisingly fast, too, actually.

No one was paying attention to me. Yet. But Dana, she walked right up to me. She waved her hands around a lot. She said, “Katy! I thought we talked about this! What did you do?”

And I said to Dana, “I compromised, Dana. Just like you said.”

And I did! I wanted to burn the whole house. Dana wanted me to burn nothing.

I compromised for love. My best behavior, just like Dana had asked.


  1. Sounds like a perfectly reasonable action to me. And it may even have a beneficial side effect. You probably won't have to endure another visit to this silly woman's house.

  2. Well, if you can get away with bigamy in Rick Perry's Texas, why not arson?

  3. OOPS pesky cigar ashes, dry conditions, totally believable it was unintentional.

    Your best behavior is not Dana's best behavior and is clearly not my best behavior. You did well with pretending you didn't know her. Some of us who are old enough to know better would have made an uncomplimentary/uncomfortable comment

  4. @Ted McLaughlin: Haha! My bet is that I'm probably going to be exempt from all law firm-related events for the foreseeable future, yeah...

    @Rafa: You're exactly right. I'm pretty sure God committed arson out of some kind of righteous indignation at some point in the Old Testament, but he never committed bigamy.
    So there's actually MORE biblical justification for arson than bigamy...
    I think I'm in the clear. That perry should is an easy going guy!

    @Brent: I generally resist the temptation to say, "Oh, you're straight again?" to people, even if it is appropriate under the circumstances.

  5. Lovely, Cuddly, Fluffy, Bunny WabbitSeptember 11, 2011 at 10:58 PM

    If YOU would I say if you would:

    let more go in one ear and out the other,
    improve your abode, and
    forget yourself...

    you'd be more rabbit-like.

  6. @Lovely, Cuddly, Fluffy Bunny Wabbit:
    That is absolutely, positively correct.
    But I still remember embarrassing incidents from decades ago. And I can still feel embarrassed about them.

  7. If only you had done the Dave Chapelle/Rick James bit at the same time..."Fuck yo plants, you rich mothafucka!"

    Bleh, sorry to hear about the fancy pants party. I loathe such events and usually have to get tanked just to make it though without committing a personal felony.


  8. but you barely mentioned Victoria's husband... Harry, was it? This was a great bit, I like the flavor.

  9. @A Beer for the Shower:
    It might have taken more than just wine.
    I've heard cocaine is a hell of a drug...

    @JerseyDave: Thanks!
    I know a Land Pirate named Harry...
    He drives a white van like I do.
    Someday, I will have to write about this Harry incident involving a strip club and some Viagra.

  10. Love is the drug that you're thinkin' of.

  11. I can hear my mother shouting now... "In or out, make up your mind." Usually she was hollering about either the fridge or front door, although in Victoria's case, you could make the question a bit broader in context. A comment about her changing sides so fast she must be dizzy would be an example of a bad idea.

  12. Katy,
    In this first pic, what in the world is that "thing" coming through the curtains?
    Looks like something off of the Twilight Zone. Maybe John Lithgow is is back there screaming...."there's something on the wing!".

  13. Where part of Oklahoma is Dana from?
    I just read an old entry of you two going to Oklahoma for the holidays.

  14. @JerseyDave: There’s a scene in Depeche Mode’s “101” tour film where David Gahan is playing pinball and singing “Love is the Drug”…
    That has nothing to do with anything. I’m just from the wrong generation and continent to have any other Roxy Music references… although Brian Eno in the black peacock feathers is pretty damn cool.

    @Brent: It had been a few years since I’d seen her.
    She might have been de-gayed by Michelle Bachmann’s husband or something.
    Another ex-gay success story!
    I like that, though: “In or out!”

  15. @Derek: You can see that? My therapist said I shouldn’t mention it to anyone when I see something like that lurking behind me…

    @YELLOWDOG GRANNY: Haha! But the pills that keep me from setting stuff on fire have some nasty side effects…

    @Anonymous: Tulsa.
    I’d love to have something more to say about that, but I have no impression of Tulsa beyond that one-word answer.
    In Tulsa’s defense, that’s still more than I have to say about the entire state of Kans--

  16. some people just want to watch the world burn...and all that stuff

  17. > I like that, though: “In or out!”

    I like most that it was Brent's Mom who said it, and Brent sharing with us. You bring out the sweetest sentiments in folks.

  18. @The Lunatic Pope: Hey, in Texas this summer, watching the world burn doesn't seem too farfetched.
    Only a madman would purposely set a fire this summer in Texas...
    But maybe I've said too much.

    @JerseyDave: Look at that. It hasn't been 2 weeks since my endorsement of Governor Perry for President, and already this blog is all family values-oriented!

  19. If that doesn't teach her not to call you a skinny bug-eyed dyke, nothing will.

    So next time try nothing.

  20. @Bill the Butcher: You're taking the U.S./Osama bin Laden approach to revenge, huh?
    If someone crosses me, then 10 years later I will burn her ass.
    Of course, I'd have done it sooner if I had me some of those drones...

  21. @Jersey Dave. My ultra right wing mother would be horrified to know I referenced her in a chat about gays/lesbians. I guess I do bring out their best HA!!!

    @Katy - I can see a new reality show on Fox after the election, Scared Straight with (or more correctly by) Michelle Bachmann

  22. Katy, you and your bird look so gorgeous in that picture, i`d love to sodomize you both.

  23. I'm thinking the experience on most social networking sites tends towards a common mix of response over time... But, it's really more about Quantity than Quality now ain't it?

  24. Katy, you`re obviously an incredibly intelligent woman, thats why i`d like to hear your opinon on something, if you go to Youtube and write the name "Pat Condell" you will see a list of his video's, i`d like you to go to one of the most recent ones called "Britain is a riot" (it runs just under 5 minutes), after you`ve listened carefully to what he says in that video i`d like to hear your immediate reaction with regards to everything he said, i actually think you`re even more intelligent than he is and thats why i really want to hear your opinion specifically with regards to whether you think he is right or not ?. Thanks Katy, i`d really appreciate you taking the time to do this.

  25. Anon,
    You must be new here so I'll save you the trouble. Young Katy, in an attempt to divert negative attention, responds only with facetious, off-topic responses. She is also very busy selling designer chips so she has no time to view your irrelevant time-wasters.

  26. Jersey,
    Something tells me quality and you don't belong in the same sentence.

  27. @Brent: That’s funny (especially if anyone is old enough to remember what “Scared Straight” is…).
    They could do “Scared Straight” where gays are intimidated into being straight, followed by “Scared Christian,” “Scared Capitalist,” and of course, my favorite, “Scared White” (which is a little more complicated, logistically).

    @E. Jack Yulate: Thank you?

    Hi, JerseyDave: Hmm. I had not considered this to be a social networking site, really.
    I mean, it might be, but I typically think of Facebook, Myspace, Google+, etc. when I think of that.
    I suppose it is what we make of it.
    I post a blog about once every 8 days. Even so, it might be argued I’m choosing quantity over quality, I suppose. But at less than a blog a week, that would indicate my quality is pretty low indeed!

  28. @Anonymous: Cool. Haven’t had the chance to view the video this morning. I was not familiar with Condell, who appears to be a British guy who is critical of religion. I will give it a go as soon as I am sitting at a computer with speakers…

    @Anonymous: A fat, hairy dude carrying a wooden club knocked on my door and asked me to wrestle this afternoon. I declined, and he called me a wimp.
    I don’t know what he was, actually. Bigger than a dwarf, bigger than a hobbit… Looked like something out of Norse folklore…
    But I think that – whatever the hell that thing was – I’m going to make it a policy NOT to engage those things when I see them.

    @Anonymous: I would recommend that you go on up to New Jersey, find Dave’s house, and set his potted plants on fire!
    It’s what I would do.

  29. I love it when you set my potted plants on fire.

  30. Katy,
    That fat hairy dude of a hobbit.....his name is Dana.
    You both are disgusting.

  31. E. Jack Yulate AKA Big Jim PrickSeptember 15, 2011 at 7:19 AM

    What about my other com-girl-t ?, why wasn`t it published ?.

  32. Fucking genius.

    I don't make a habit of self promotion, I figure if people wanna check me out great if not so what, but I really think you might like this little thing I did about revenge.

  33. @JerseyDave: Is that what the kida are calling it these days?

    @Anonymous: It was 6:40 am when you typed that.
    Somebody woke up on the wrong said of the bed this morning.
    Even I am not usually a bitch until at least 7:15.

    @E. Jack Yulate: Who knows? The comment moderator works in mysterious ways.
    Sometimes, offensive and off-topic comments will be approved.
    Sometimes, completely innocuous comments will be rejected.
    No one can understand the Great Moderator.
    But you should build an altar and make sacrifices unto her. It might help.

    @dirtycowgirl: I approve of that blog. Of course, I always approve of bad behavior...

  34. E. Jack Yulate AKA Big Jim PrickSeptember 15, 2011 at 7:47 PM

    Ooooh...aren`t you the big, tough, butch, masterful, girly-wirly-kins ! ! !. By the way Katy, the word is com-girl-t, try to remember my murderous homo-phobia will ya`.

  35. @Anonymous from 9/14, re: Pat Condell:
    I went over to look at the Youtube clip you mentioned.
    I dunno. I'm not up on just what went down in Britain this summer.
    I agree that I would not want to be a cop - no one in their right mind would. I have WAY too bad of a temper to put up with the crap that the average street hood dishes out.
    And again - I DO NOT KNOW THE STORY BEHIND THE RIOTS - but Condell seems to be talking in generalities anyway in which anyone who is poor and speaking up about it is "inadequate," a "rat who shits in his own nest," "drug-addled," etc.
    The lower economic classes have always and everywhere been viewed by everyone else as a teeming cloud of violent vermin who are trying to steal the goodies away from the good, responsible folks.

  36. Thanks Katy, it would be nice if you could watch a few more of Pat Condell's video's (especially his anti-religious rants) and give your opinions on those as well. It would also be good to know your opinion on Condell himself, some people think he's a genius while others dismiss him as a know-nothing toss-pot, it would be great to hear which of those catorgories YOU think he falls into. personally i`m undecided.

  37. *grin* oh.. nevermind.. I crack myself up.

  38. @JerseyDave: you mean you fall about laughing when watching Condell's video's ! ?, well thats one possible reaction you could have when listening to what he says i suppose.

  39. @Anon: I was going to have a look at others, especially after I saw the religious ones.
    My regular computer has no SOUND (ugh)…
    Most of my favorite people are half genius and half charlatan. It might be more convenient for me if they were 100% one or the other, but… it never seems to work like that…

    @JerseyDave: I suppose you have to crack SOMEONE up, and who better than yourself?

  40. Katy, I have a more important question. What do you think of the guy who walked from Twin Tower to Twin Tower on a rope? I think it is the greatest human accomplishment of the past 5,000 years. What do you think?

  41. @Anonymous: What a relevant, thought-provoking question!
    That man was an idiot - possibly the biggest idiot of the last 5,000 years.
    There was a perfectly good elevator and walkway if he needed to get from one tower to the other and besides, what would have happened had a plane hit when he was half way in between the towers?

  42. Katy, i cannot believe that you would belittle something so unbelievably astounding. I mean 1350 feet straight down onto concrete and nothing but millions of miles of empty space all around you in every direction, just to put it into perspective even more Katy, you know that geezer who supposedly rose from the dead 2000 years ago and who there is now an entire religion based around, well what he (supposedly) did still isn`t as impressive as the geezer on the wire between the towers in August of `74 ! ! !.

  43. feels like i`m made outta gingerbread, a-ha, m-mm, a-ha, m,mm (yes that really is the name on my birth certificateSeptember 17, 2011 at 3:47 PM

    Katy, i cant believe you`re wasting your time still using a computer that hasn`t got sound, you can buy a cheap brand new laptop for $200 these days ! ! !.

  44. Katy,
    Since I know nothing of lesbionics, I've been wanting to ask you a question and I finally figured out how to ask.
    You know how homosexuality is rampant in the animal kingdom? Like animals will mount animals of either sex because it is natural.
    So here's my question... I was feeding my cows the other day and I had one cow mounting and humping another cow. Would you be the cow doing the mounting OR the one getting mounted?
    Not calling you a cow... although I'm sure you've been called an "animal".
    Serious question.

  45. @Jennifer Endosperm: Jesus could have flown across that gap. With his eyes closed. Drunk. With one testicle tied behind his back.

    @feels like I'm made outta gingerbread: Did you know you have the same punctuation idiosyncracies as Jennifer and E. Jaculate?
    This computer is dying. I'll have to get a new one someday soon. The thing is, I've named this one and I will feel so bad when I have to take Pagden out into a field and shoot him...

    @Anonymous: I don't know if that's how lesbionics work.
    I think male gaity might have a biological aspect like that and the sides of a male couple take on polar roles typically assigned to gender.
    But lesbians? Not so much.
    Admittedly, I have some guy-like qualities - mostly my huge penis, but some behaviors as well.

  46. "..., but some behaviors as well." - Modesty, for example.

  47. That reply is a total cop-out Katy, and you bloody-well know it is as well.

  48. @Jennifer Endosperm: Sorry, but I am not convinced that Tightrope Guy died for my sins.
    I don't put him any higher than #47 on the list of the Most Amazing People of the Last 2 Millennia.

  49. So you actually think that in the last 2000 years there have been 46 achiev-girl-ts that have been more impressive that the geezer on the wire between the towers, if its not to much trouble Katy i`d be very obliged if you could list them, thanks.

  50. Dont keep me waiting to long for that list Katy.


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