Living the Dream: A Play in One Act

Curtain opens, revealing the interior of a small underground snack shop. KATY leans across the checkout counter, eyes closed, nodding her head to unheard music.

Several customers in business attire, including LAWYER and LAWYER’s FRIEND, wander through the aisles. Eventually, LAWYER and FRIEND, in the midst of a heated discussion, approach the checkout counter with arms full of chocolate bars, birthday cards, 20 oz. Coca-Colas, and small bags of artificially flavored potato chips.

KATY rises to check out the customers.

KATY:             Good afternoo-

LAWYER:      (continuing his animated discussion with FRIEND, ignoring KATY) I am not shitting you! If they keep this up, I will walk away from it all!

FRIEND:        No!

LAWYER:      Yes! Yessir! I will… I will… (He looks up at KATY at last)  Why, I will trade places with the cashier girl here!

(FRIEND laughs heartily.)

(KATY rolls her eyes, smiles, and continues adding up LAWYER’s purchase.)

LAWYER:      Tell you what: Let’s go tell them right now. This cashier girl can go and take my place as partner at the firm, and I will come down here and sit behind this counter all day!  

FRIEND:        (laughs convulsively, slapping at leg and gasping for breath) Oh, I can see it now! “Stewart, I’d like you to meet my replacement. We found her in tunnel snack shop!”

(KATY bags LAWYER’s purchase. LAWYER and FRIEND continue laughing.)

LAWYER:      In a heartbeat, bubba! In. A. Heartbeat.

(Still laughing, LAWYER swipes his credit card)

(KATY pulls a ring of keys out of her pocket, drops them on the counter.)

KATY:             (raising her voice above the laughter.) Okay!

(Laughter stops. LAWYER and FRIEND turn to look at KATY.)

LAWYER:      Excuse me?

KATY:            Okay. Let’s trade. Here are my shop keys. I usually try and be here to open the gate by 5:45 at the latest, and-

LAWYER:      (chuckling.) That’s cute. But I’m not sure how you’d make it at my law firm, dear.

KATY:             (with blank expression.) That’s okay. I’m a fast learner, and I did pretty well in law school.

(LAWYER and FRIEND burst out laughing again.)

FRIEND:        See? The cashier girl IS qualified!

LAWYER:      (glancing around the snack shop.) YOU went to law school?

KATY:             Yes.

LAWYER:      And what is the first case you studied at this law school in, say, your Constitutional Law class?

KATY:             Marbury vs. Madison. Same as everybody does, I think.

LAWYER:      And the most important case in Civil Procedure is...?

KATY:      Erie Railroad vs. Tompkins, which basically says there’s no such thing as general federal law, so any federal court that has a case involving residents of two different states under diversity jurisdiction must apply state law as it has been determined by the highest state court that has ruled on it.

(LAWYER and FRIEND stop laughing.)

LAWYER:      United States vs. Lopez…

KATY:             Clarence Thomas, writing for the majority, said the Gun Free Schools Act was unconstitutional because there was no proof that the guns in question had ever traveled in nor affected state commerce. It therefore became the first law in generations to be knocked down by the Court for being outside of Congress’ powers under the Commerce Clause.

LAWYER:      You went to law school.

KATY:             I went to law school.

LAWYER:      You’re waiting for your bar results.

KATY:             I have no plans to sit for the bar exam.

LAWYER:      But WHY, my dear? Why would you do that? Why in the hell would somebody go to school for all of those years just to sit down here listening to their iPod all day?

KATY:             I’m just staying one step ahead of you. Why should I take the bar if I’m just going to want to work down here in a few years anyway? I’m living YOUR dream, buddy!

(LAWYER and FRIEND silently pick up their bag and EXIT.)

KATY:             (calling after them.) What? Did you change your mind? (She shakes the ring of keys.) It’s up to you, but I’m going to need to train you in how to rotate out the perishables if you decide later you want to trade up after all…

KATY shrugs. She puts her earbuds back in her ears. She leans across the counter again and resumes moving her head to the unheard music.

                        Curtain.

Let’s Make Lots of Money

The following is a speech I wrote for Dana, who is my wife. She read it at a fancy dinner that a law firm held in her honor after she had won a big case for them. Dana does not work for this law firm, normally. The law firm had only “rented her out,”  so to speak, so that maybe they could win a lot of money on this one case.

They won a lot of money on this one case!

Now, most days, Dana is way too smart a gal to ever dream of using my words. My words, after all, are unlikely to help a professional’s standing within the professional community. But Dana made an exception for this dinner because it seemed appropriate. She used my words.

She was the guest of honor and she used my words and these are the words she used:

Wow. I’d like to thank everybody at Godley & Creme, L.L.P. for this dinner, or for this dinner party, or for this… Hey, it’s a party, right? Are we having a party? [Applause]

It feels like a party. A celebration. A celebration of what we accomplished together these last few months. It is without a doubt the biggest party that anyone has ever thrown for me: It’s bigger than my wedding. It’s bigger than my quinceañera.

Still, I was talking to Sid a little while ago – and Sid, thank you for that beautiful introduction – and I said, I feel like we’re all sort of strangers here. A mutual desire for… a whole lot of money… [laughter and applause] brought us together, but I don’t know y’all. Y’all don’t know me.

And one thing most of y’all probably do not know about me – Sid knows this, but probably not most of you – is this: I almost came on board with Godley & Creme a few years back. I came this close. Didn’t I, Sid?

So I was thinking about this earlier tonight as I was talking with Sid, and I was running it through my head. And it reminded me of the story of Stalin and the Jews.

Do y’all know the story of Stalin and the Jews?

Well, grab another glass of wine. I’ll tell you. [Laughter.]

Joe had sort of a hate-hate
relationship with... people.

Y’all know about Josef Stalin, right? You went to elementary school before law school, some of you? Josef Stalin was this guy who was running things over in the Soviet Union during the thirties, during the forties, going into the nineteen fifties.

Now if Joe – I hope I can call him Joe – if Joe were alive today, here with us in the twenty-first century, we’d probably diagnose him with a few things. A few mental conditions. Like probably chronic narcissism. [Applause.] Maybe some sort of personality disorder. But definitely, we would diagnose him with paranoia.

Joe was one paranoid dude.

Joe hated just about everybody. He thought just about everybody was out to get him. And maybe they were. I forget how that goes: Are you still considered paranoid if they really are  out to get you?

Either way, Joe hated an awful lot of people, and one of the groups of people that he hated most of all was the Jews. The problem for Joe was, well, this was right after World War II, and it was considered bad form for world leaders to, you know… say, start rounding Jews up in trains.

So Joe had to be a little more careful than usual about this. Not much – he was  Joe Stalin, after all! – but he had to show a little tact. A teensy bit of finesse. By Joe standards.

He purged all of the Jews from the government, and then he started systematically going through and purging Jews from other spheres of Russian life: artists and scientists and influence-peddlers. You know… He did it all on the down-low and he did it well.

But here’s the thing:  Joe wanted a bomb. Joe wanted a really big bomb. A bomb like we over here in the United States had. If we had a bomb, Joe wanted a bomb. And it did not take long for Joe to figure something out: If he wanted a really big bomb like the United States had, he was going to have to buckle under and get himself a Jewish scientist or two.

Please consult Billy Joel
for a quick refresher on the Cold War.

Turns out, Joe’s desire for a really big bomb was strong. Even stronger than his hatred of Jews! So he went out and he got himself some of them Jews, and before he knew it, voila! Korea and Vietnam and the Berlin Wall and the Cuban Missile Crisis and “we didn’t start the fire!”  

Now, flash forward about fifty years and Yours Truly – by which I mean, me –  was about to get hired on by Godley & Creme. Do you remember that meeting, Sid? And I knew it was coming, and I knew the offer was about to come out of Sid’s mouth.

And before he could make the offer, I said this: “I just want you to know how much I love Godley & Creme and how much I respect your mission. Your values. You’re a politically and culturally conservative firm, and I am a politically and culturally conservative woman.[Applause.] You’re a Christian firm, and I am a Christian.”  [Applause.]

I said, “And I want this to be a long and a prosperous relationship and I do not want to play games or hide the ball with you. I do not want to be keeping secrets from you. So I’m going to lay it all out on the table and tell you up front, lest there be any misunderstanding.”

I said to Sid, “I am an out lesbian. I live with my gorgeous wife and our [at that time] two daughters, and I am so proud of them. My orientation does not affect my work. But I thought everybody should know what it is we’re getting into.”

And do you remember what you said to me, Sid? I remember! In fact, I have it written down right here.

You said, “Ms. Anders, I thank you for your honesty.”

And then you said, “And I thank God every day that I still live in a country where I am free to tell you that we here at Godley & Creme will never ignore the Lord’s word by knowingly associating with sodomites.”  Sodomites! “There is no professional goal, no case, and no client, so valuable as to justify risking one’s eternal soul.

You said, “We will unfortunately not be able to extend an offer to you and it solely because of what you have just told us.”

You remember that now, Sid?

So tonight, on this fantastic occasion that brought us all together to party, I just want to express how thrilled I am that Godley & Creme, just like Joe Stalin with those Jews, finally found something y’all desired so much that you were willing to risk your eternal souls to get it.

You want the bomb? You bring in the Jews!  You want to win that huge case? Then bring in the dykes!

Give yourselves a hand, Godley & Creme! [Scattered and tentative applause.]

You know, with so much bad stuff out there in the culture today, what you all do here is absolutely critical. I know your firm’s symbol is the wheel, but I like to think of y’all as… I don’t know, like a levy, maybe. A levy holding back the ocean of filth and sin and chaos.

Or a dam, maybe… or a levy, or…

I know! How about this? Godley & Creme, L.L.P. is a finger in the dike of the law! Do you like that image, Sid? I see my wife, Katy, likes that image. Take it, Sid. It’s yours… Put it there on the letterhead.

So thank you for tonight, everybody, and here’s to Stalin and the Jews building that really big bomb together! Good night!

How I Landed My New Job

It went like this: I was meditating in the gutter and I heard a motorcycle drive up. Only it was not the gutter – not really – and I did not know it was a motorcycle, either.

Here is why: Sometimes, I live in a small closet just off an abandoned freight elevator. The abandoned freight elevator is underground, under the ground of downtown Houston. So it is not really the gutter but is sort of the gutter. Dana calls it the gutter but Dana is not here.

Here is the thing about the motorcycle: I was meditating. It was sound. I did not label it “motorcycle” sound. Instead, my mind made a shape from the sound. From the texture. The texture was fuzzy but fuzzy the way metal shavings are fuzzy. Something like that.

Is East Texas Anti-Gay?

Way up north of Houston, in the town nearest our lakehouse, you know, the people out here don’t look like the people where I come from.

Elbows look different, for starters. Out here, elbows are… well, they’re recessed, I guess you could say. Like there will be a great hangover of skin from the upper arm and a great hangover of skin from the lower arm, and then an elbow that resides somewhere down between the two, as though in a crevice. It’s not even seen, this elbow, only it has to be there, right? I mean, the arms do bend, even here.

Then there’s the hair. The women’s all look straight out of John Waters films, and the men all wear ball caps so you can’t tell what’s going on. And the eyeglasses are bigger: huge, to the point where maybe they used to be windshields on old Dodge trucks. And there are floral housedresses and there are belt buckles and there are people named Shirley and Gladys and Ruby Lee.

They are amazing!

What I Did for Love

My best behavior.

She said my best behavior. Not somebody else’s best behavior. She did not say that. But my best behavior. Mine.

And I believe we can agree, you and I can, that that is a subjective standard. Just like how my favorite song is not your favorite song. Were you to hear it, you probably would not like my favorite song very much.

My best church clothes probably would not fit you, and even if they did fit you, you probably would not wish to wear them. They are not your best church clothes. They are not objectively the best church clothes possible. Not Plato’s Ideal Church-clothes-ness. Nuh-uh.

No, when Dana – who is my wife – came in to talk to me the other day, she was specific in what she said. I even wrote it down, word for word, in the little pocket note pad I keep with me at all times. When Dana came in to talk to me the other day, this is what she said. She said, “Katy, we just hired a new associate. Partner track. And she has invited everybody in our department to her house for dinner tomorrow night.”