Monday, August 8, 2011

Be Part of Katy’s INTERNET PRAYER RALLY - This Saturday!!

Just the other day, while I was watching my television, a man came on and told me about a lot of people praying just a few miles from where I’m sitting right now.

You would not have believed it! To hear this man talk, there must have been thousands of them, all packed tight into Reliant Stadium and praying to God to help our country – a country which, frankly, seems to need quite a lot of help from somewhere right about now.

And it doesn’t seem possible for anyone to get mad about a crowd of people just standing around praying on their own time, especially when you think of all the things that they could have been doing instead that are a good deal worse… Things like watching “Jersey Shore” or pouring mercury into the water supply, stifling the imagination of a child or arguing about politics on the internet, bragging about committing bigamy or, I don’t know, eating salsa sauce made in New York City, maybe.

These folks at Reliant weren’t doing any of those things. But still people got mad about the crowd and about all that praying and about the whatnot going on, as well.

I watched some of these mad people talking on television and although I can’t be 100% sure, they mostly seemed mad about the governor of Texas standing up there on the stage at Reliant – (have I told you how much he loves bigamy?) – and he was praying, too. And that part sort of made sense to me, in a way, because the governor had issued a prayer proclamation this past April calling for us Texans to telepathically petition the force behind the universe to make it rain in our drought-stricken state.

Yet here we are four months later and I’ve hardly seen a drop of rain yet!

And the more I thought about it, the more it occurred to me that – heaven forbid! – our good Governor Perry might be a prayer-buster! You know, like a doubting Thomas cynic type that mucks up the works by his mere presence?

Because if Governor Perry wasn’t the problem… and Texans weren’t the problem… Well, that only left a couple options open: Either telepathically petitioning the force behind the universe didn’t work… Or we were all telepathically petitioning the wrong force!

Now, you might not know this about me, but… I am not the most conventionally religious individual residing in this fine state. But I haven’t really made my mind up about anything for certain, either. A good argument, a lofty spiritual experience or, hell, even a powerful anecdote comes along and… I could be persuaded.

And beyond that, it’s American blood that runs through these fine veins of mine, and as an American, I drank in the spirit of capitalism with my momma’s milk. I know that free and fervent competition makes the cream rise to the top and the dross go begging for quarters out on McGowan and Main.

Don’t get ahead of me here…

‘Cause it took me a while to connect the dots – from Rick Perry to Texas to America to competition to God – but when I did, it all seemed so obvious.

I needed to start small with the prayer thing, find a deity with a willing ear, and then move up to saving the country or making it rain as I got better. I had to call for:


At noon this Saturday, August 13, 2011, I urge all of you to JOIN ME in offering your prayers and petitions to the Christian God –

Ø  the Power that blew across the waters to separate the heavens from the earth!
Ø  the Force that parted the Red Sea for the Israelites and then drowned the Egyptian soldiers!
Ø  the Fire behind comets and the planets and supernovas and black holes!
Ø  the Ground of all Being, the consciousness behind all consciousnesses, the which of which there is no whicher! and
Ø  the Mystery behind fucking magnets (how do they work?)

– to move this humble children’s size 3 flip flop a quarter inch (in any direction).

And if God can’t or won’t do it, I (dare I say “we”?) will begin – on successive Saturdays – to make our way through Allah, Satan, Cthulhu, and the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man.

All participants are asked to open their minds, hearts, and their souls to the possibility of this exercise working on any given Saturday, and I’m going to allow for well-timed earthquakes, synchronicity/meaningful coincidence, the effects of cars running into my house, or act of house pet in moving the flip flop.

And now, if I may, I’m going to cut the mad people off the pass. The people who get mad about people like us, who choose to pray together on our own time. To you I say: I’m open to suggestions, friend. If you have a horse or a god even a mental trick you would like to place in the running for a shot at moving this children’s size 3 flip flop a quarter inch (in any direction) through the Power of Collective Prayer, drop me a line. We’ll add it to the list even if a prior god has already tossed the damn flip flop clear across the room.

To repeat: This all goes down THIS Saturday, April 13, 2011 at precisely 12 o’clock noon, central time.**

I do hope you will join me.***

**Event contingent on Governor Perry not yet having arrested me, my wife, my husband, and my husband’s husband (who also happens to be my twin brother) for Double Bigamy (All the Way).  

***I will try to begin posting regular updates on the Internet Prayer Rally here!


  1. I am scared of only two things in my life. My mother-in-law and these freaks.

  2. I'm calling my local joel olsteen for telekinetic encouragement first thing...

  3. If God won't move the shoe, try the Flying Spaghetti Monster.


  4. Pray to Me, and I guarantee you I will make the whole goddamned world move.

  5. A gal once screamed "Jesus!" in a moment of bliss for which I was fucking responsible - or responsible for fucking. Or something. Does that make me 'god'?

    No, I didn't think so.


    Turns out I actually know a fellow who went to Perry's Prayerapalooza; he started out here in Oregon as a high-tech sales-rep; the sort where if he told you day was light and night was dark, you'd still look outside - because he'd tell you anything to get that commission-check.

    Now, he's a 'motivational speaker', and teaches 'salesmanship' or some bullshit course at a local community-college there in Houston, where he has an endless source of sweet-young-things to abuse.

    Jesus, on whom he professes to rely for his salvation and a whole lot of other things, couldn't be reached for comment.

    Perry is an asshole.


    As to the shoe - hey; sounds like a good hustle. Better than any other circle-jerk goin' on (Congress; Wall Street; the elections; etc.)

    Count me in for a quarter....

  6. and something that barely made a blip on their radar?..right down the road a piece they were giving away free school supplies, immunizations, back packs, etc. they expected 40,000.over 100,000 showed up..

  7. Perry has the classic look of a snake-oil salesman, where, you know, you can clearly see in his eyes that he is not believing one bit of the crap that is coming out of his mouth, yet he is still spewing it, none-stop.

    Then at about three minutes into it, you can see the faint smirk emerging from the corner of his lips, as he is thinking to himself, "damn these idiots, I can't believe that they are actually buying what I am selling!"

  8. Katy, what about Mr. Dawkins ?, doesn`t his opinion count for anything ?.

  9. @meandmythinkingcap: I’m not exactly comfortable with flying roaches, either…
    Oh, and watching those smart cars drive down Houston freeways…

    @Birds: Fortunately for me, my local Joel Osteen is… Joel Osteen. Another of the many benefits of living in Houston.

    @Sign Me Up!: With a few strong believers such as yourself, I KNOW we can move this tiny kid’s flip flop a quarter of an inch!

    @Bill the Butcher: I will put you on the list. I have faith in you, man. I think we might even convince you to move that flip flop a full third of an inch. I’ll pray hard on your weekend…

  10. @Will: I’m telling you, is a damn quarter inch too much to ask from the power behind the universe? One damn quarter inch?
    But seriously, the Jim and Tammy Bakker’s of the world don’t affect my opinion of religion much. Capitalism has ruined rock ‘n roll, childhood, and Michel Gondry – I’d be surprised if it DIDN’T ruin religion.
    As for Perry, I think of fictional republican Senator Arnold Vinick on “The West Wing”: “ I want to warn everyone [that] if you demand expressions of religious faith from politicians, you are just begging to be lied to. And it will be the easiest lie they ever had to tell to get your votes.”

    @YELLOWDOG GRANNY: I think the thing with the prayer rally is that you don’t even have to read beyond the headlines to get angry – in favor or against. People like the scream more than they like to read.
    Meanwhile, I just want to alert the American public to the fact that BIGAMISTS are running free around Perry’s state, completely unchecked. The humanity!

    @5464: I like your “Damn these idiots, I can't believe that they are actually buying what I am selling!” I think every person who has ever realized that other people think she’s good at something has thought that at some point. Everyone is faking it.

    @Anonymous: Of course it does. Actually, I suspect Dawkins’ way of getting the flip flop oved would be to – personally or through a secondary agent – walk over, pick up the damn flip flop and move it.
    But we’ll see. This Internet Prayer thing starts to take off here at “Lesbians in My Soup” and we will have to find a way to work Dawkins in.

  11. Oh no, no, no, I don't believe that "everyone" is faking it. No.

    But if you are referring to lesbians, or bloggers, or people who go on blind dates, well, maybe, I assume. At least that's what I've been told. What have you heard?

  12. But there's a snag in this plan, for you see, I've diabolically gathered together a group of Christians that pray that your flip flop DOESN'T move. Oh yes, we will square off and pray our asses off against each other, and on Saturday we will see who God chooses! Because we know that just like any overworked parent, God has his favorites. And I have a sneaking suspicion I'm one of them.

  13. @5464: Everyone is faking it.
    This is one of the few things in life of which I’m certain.

    @A Beer in the Shower: I think your diabolically-intentioned plan might work in my favor.
    The opposed prayers might act like when you put two like poles up against each other with magnets. I’m betting that the flip flop gets shot across the room by our prayer wires getting crossed.
    Besides, God stands to gain a lot more by moving the flip flop than leaving it where it is…

  14. Magnets are from the future, I thought everybody knew that. I think your governor i snot paying much attention to people in his OWN state. I've heard MORE than once that "The Dallas Cowboys stadium has a hole on the roof so god can watch his favorite football team." If that statement is true, then why was Rick Perry doing this in Houston? The Texans are gonna SUCK this year! C'mon! I thought Texans knew FOOTBALL!

    BTW I HATE the cowboys. I was just repeating something I've heard before.

  15. @Rafa: Until this guy decided he wanted to be President, I never heard much about him at all, other than that he sometimes shot coyotes while jogging with his laser sighted pistol in hand…

  16. I killed 25 coyotes last year. They were thick. I hate when they kill my rabbits because fried rabbit is good eating.
    Btw.... I'm all for fish eating lez- whores. Just not bug-eyed nasty ones that look like they need a bath.

  17. Hi, Anonymous! Thank you for stopping by and for the comment…
    I’m armed a lot myself. Unlike the governor, though, I’ve never figured out a comfortable way to carry while jogging. Meaning that I’m totally susceptible to coyote attacks then, I guess…
    And I thought about this “lez-whore” character you mentioned. While I don’t know her personally, I wonder if she isn’t weird-looking like that because she eats too much fish with high levels of mercury in it.

  18. Awesome response! Thanks for the welcome. I tried to take a pot-shot and it didn't work. Oh well.
    I made up the Lez-whore word. Feel free to use it.
    I am so intrigued by this blog....holy crap. You certainly are a wonderful writer.
    So, Is the bigamy schtick the real deal or are you putting us on?
    I can definitely see this being a master's thesis/ social studies class experiment/ book idea but it seems like you are serious. You are absolutely gorgeous BTW...
    Just don't tell Dana.

  19. The good news, we may be getting rid of Govenor Good Hair, the bad news, he is running for president. If elected, look for Bigamy to run wild across the nation. Also look for HS graduation rates to plummet.

  20. @Anonymous: Thanks. The bigamy thing started as kind of a dare by a couple LGBT lawyers to try and get Texas to acknowledge a same sex marriage.
    But with the governor about to announce for President, it’s taken on a new edge, I guess. I’ve gotten more page views in the past two days than in the two months before that.
    I’m going to write SOMETHING here regardless… Plenty of good books have been written in prison.

    Hey, Brent! To be honest, I don’t have much of an opinion on the governor. I mean, SURE, he’s soft on bigamy, but then again, the current GOP frontrunner is Mormon.
    I do wonder where he finds shirts with collars that high. Late at night, there’s a show called “Penelope Pitstop” on the Boomerang Network. Perry sort of looks like he belongs in the Ant Hill Mob.

  21. It all makes sense now.
    I think there are other states who recognize homosexual unions. Maybe that would be a place to relocate? I mean, you DO live in texas. Can expect gay marriage to be priority in Texas?

  22. @Anonymous: I love Texas! And anyway, I actually got the same sex marriage out of the way in another state.
    Texas won't charge me with bigamy because to do that, they'd have to at least tacitly acknowledge the out-of-state same sex marriage.
    It's one for lawyer types. I'm just along for the ride.

  23. Katy, was glad to see your post on Liberally Lean so I could get back here. Couldn't remember the name of your blog.
    Some day you'll be a famous author.
    I'm never wrong about this kind of stuff.

  24. I've never met a lesbian before. Are their many in houston? I've always wondered what the attraction was for women. I guess since I am attracted to women I can understand. But I don't understand how how one will naturally make an effort to appear masculine. I mean if you wanted to eat pussy wouldn't you want her to be feminine? Does the masculine one do the eating only? Does the feminine one pleasure the "man" with a dido or only vice versa? If you wanted a cock shaped dido wouldn't you just receive a man? These are questions I've always wondered. I'm so confused!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  25. I'm afraid I will have to miss your event tomorrow in favor of a prior hot date with a certain Mr. Chuck E. Cheese. May the force be with you and all that jazz.

    I see you fancied up the place, though - nice! Oh, and school starts in a few weeks....expect new posts then, if I survive that long!

  26. @el chupacabra: Glad you found your way back.
    If you ever get lost again, you can always Google “Double Bigamy” or “rattlesnake pineal” – either of which will get you back here in a jiffy!

    Hi, Anonymous! You ask tough questions. They should make an instruction manual or something. “The Idiot’s Guide to Lesbionics”? It might be up to ME to write it, in the end… Stay tuned!

    @Runaway Lawyer: We did a place called “Monkey Business” for the last birthday here. It’s basically a huge room of inflatable obstacle courses and inflatable playgrounds.
    All the adults end up injured and all the kids just end up blowing snot across the inflatable surfaces that you’re falling onto…
    Kids make everything more glamorous.

  27. just now found your blog and read I missed it.

  28. Hi, Timothy! Sadly, despite all the praying, the power behind the universe was unable or unwilling to move the flip flop.
    Hopefully, we will have more suucess with other deities and/or psychological powers in the upcoming weeks...

  29. So, when someone dies of aids is the end really painful?
    Too bad we don't have a cure for it, huh?

    I guess the upshot for those people is they already know why God not concerned with a flip-flop.

  30. @Anonymous: Nobody really dies of AIDS, but dying of pneumonia or an opportunistic infection can’t be fun.
    I don’t know how the Universe works. Maybe Zeus didn’t assign anyone to “preventable illnesses” and plagues. Or maybe the Olympian Senate won’t approve his candidate for Secretary of Plagues, so the position has been vacant for too long.

  31. No. The vacancy was well thought out. Is seems the deficiency may be a "natural selection" for those who choose to acquire it.
    I just wondered if prayers are sent, as the last few breaths are drawn, to an otherwise mythical being, who suddenly might be the last chance in an effort to ease the pain.

  32. @Anonymous: Peter Gabriel once said, “I’m a Buddhist when I think about life; a Christian when I think about death.”
    Me, I don’t believe anything, but I don’t mind having a conversation at key moments – with the Other, with myself, with some backwater corner of my brain I don’t normally converse with. I figure it helps me work through things, even if it’s just a mental trick.
    If I was pinned in my car in a traffic accident that might turn into “Our Father who art in heaven, hallowed be…” but I don’t know. That seems a little specific.

  33. No doubt, aside from being beautiful and artistic, you are obviously an intelligent person. I wish I had known you. We probably could have learned from each other. Good luck in all you do.

  34. @Anonymous: It sounds as though you are planning to go away...

  35. I mean face to face. You know, "went to school together". Woulda been cool to talk with you. I'll be around for further inquiries.

  36. @Anonymous: You're in luck!
    I'm WAY more interesting now than I was when I was in school.
    Plenty of livin' and learnin' yet to do.

  37. This is more communist propaganda promoting the ugly lezzie agenda. America is getting sick and tired of Obama gay muzzie club and President Perry will put things where they belong. You should leave now before you are shipped out and it might not be so comfortable!

  38. @Conservative Monster: I don’t know. I hate to burst your bubble, but I have my doubts that a President Perry would do that.
    I mean, he won’t arrest an avowed bigamist – even when she turns herself into authorities and brings a signed confession!
    Seems like he had a clean shot at getting me then.
    You should write to him and tell him to arrest me.

  39. Thou shalt not tempt the Lord thy God. It's in the bible somewhere.

  40. If want to get arrested, go pull that little stunt in pontotoc county Oklahoma. They don't have the liberal agenda they do there in Texas.
    Of course you won't receive any publicity and you may get some Lezzy loving that would be far from pleasurable. And the baton upside your head wouldn't be fun either.

  41. Hi, Cal-el! How much has God really been enforcing the temptation rule, though? I mean, Satan did all that tempting in the desert with Jesus, and here it is – 2,000 years later – and Satan still has all the best cities in the U.S. plus rock ‘n roll and video games.

    Hi, Anonymous. Thanks for the tip – people are stopping by my page from all over with some great ideas.
    I am skeptical that Oklahoma would arrest me for bigamy any quicker than Texas – it would, after all, require them to acknowledge both of my marriages, one of which is with a same gender partner.
    Me and my wife and her husband and her husband’s husband have been considering doing a kind of tour of the country to see where we might have better luck. Pontotoc County, Oklahoma is definitely on my list now!
    Stop back by any time and I’ll bring you up to date.

  42. Interesting satire. The danger is in the delusions of prayer.

  43. Well clearly the people in your state are not good enough prayers.

    Really, I think it's ridiculous to petition God for certain things that you want. I personally believe in God but I don't think He/She/It works like Santa Claus. All I really know about it is that I don't understand it.

    In 2003, the Hubble trained it's eye on a tiny little part of the sky about one tenth the size of the moon as it appears. There looked to be nothing there. But after looking for a couple of months, the Hubble saw over ten thousand galaxies, just in that tiny little patch of sky where there appeared to be nothing.

    I don't understand that shit, and neither does Stephen Hawking, in my humble opinion. He's a hell of a lot smarter than me, but we're still talking about a four pound brain.


  44. @Ashley Ashbee: Thanks. I’ve been wanting to do my own study – If I pray to X this week and then Y next week, do I get to work in less time during one week than the other?
    My pathological laziness is getting in the way of my pathological curiosity, though…

    @Elliot McLeod-Michael: Welcome aboard!
    I definitely think that there are some creepy things we don’t know anything about going on.
    Some of it probably involves the effect of consciousness on the universe, but… I don’t know.
    Your example is exciting – the idea that when we look under a rock for the first time, something has to make sure there’s something under the rock to be seen. A cat in an unopened box that is potentially dead and alive.

  45. Sounds like an okay study... But it would pander to the deludeds' faulty logic: If I pray she will live and she does, my prayer had to have been what saved her!

    I guess that was your point, Ms. Satire!

  46. alas, hundred of thousands separe me from you prayer rally, but i shall pray all the same.

    i personally pray that god will answer all the folks in reliant's stadium by dropping a couple of megatonnes of gold on their head, thus solving their money woes one way or another, most probably in the most morbid way

  47. Ponatoc county ok. Will artest you for looking funny and dressing weird. They don't give a crap about who's married to who. Read "dreams of Ada".
    Put that town on your list of things to do. No.... don't.
    Forget what Christians have told you about prayer. Prayer is a relationship building tool that is between you and him. He does want to, nor will he, magically heal a terminally ill child, nor show his face to prove something, nor move a flip flop. You're not looking deep enough.

  48. @Ashley Ashbee: I prayed that you would comment on my blog this week, and you did. TWICE! I got more than I prayed for.
    Now I just have to remember who I prayed to…

    @gman: That sounds like one of those double-edged genie wishes.
    The trick is to wish that none of your wishes are granted in unexpected or ironic ways.

    @Anonymous: I kind of suspect that time spent sitting quietly and calmly and without texting is time well spent, whether I call it prayer or meditation or time-out.
    On the other hand, a deity that could move a shoe or heal cancer would be pretty awesome, too!

  49. One of us must write a blog containing a powerfull anecdote and fucking magnets. hmmm...

  50. KatyDid said...
    @Ashley Ashbee: I prayed that you would comment on my blog this week, and you did. TWICE! I got more than I prayed for.
    Now I just have to remember who I prayed to…

    @gman: That sounds like one of those double-edged genie wishes.
    The trick is to wish that none of your wishes are granted in unexpected or ironic ways.

    @Anonymous: I kind of suspect that time spent sitting quietly and calmly and without texting is time well spent, whether I call it prayer or meditation or time-out.
    On the other hand, a deity that could move a shoe or heal cancer would be pretty awesome, too!

    August 17, 2011 11:01 PM

    Speaking of prayer Hubert J Mueller said it all. "The doctrine of the material efficacy of prayer reduces the Creator to a cosmic bellhop of a not very bright or reliable kind."...

  51. @Frank: I'm taking a theology class this semester where we're going to be reading Origen's "Philocalia" which deals with - among other things - the psychology/logic behind petitioning the power behind the universe to, you know, help you get an A in algebra or to keep from burning the rice.
    Hopefully, it will help me rope these deities in for my own selfish purposes. Mostly, punishing my enemies!

  52. "The Beliefe Instinct - The Pshychology of Souls, Destiny, and the Meaning of Life" - equally practical, perhaps more believable.

  53. @JerseyDave: For my money, no one has written about the problems of belief (in anything!) and reality tunnels better than the late Robert Anton Wilson.
    It's one of his core themes that belief basically leads to a lack of thining - and he's not at all just talking about religion.
    Most of the other books I've found on those themes really pale in comparison...


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