Saturday, November 5, 2011

The Idiot’s Guide to Lesbians in My Soup

Thank you. From all of us here. I mean, all of us here thank you. We oh-most-so-sincerely thank you, thank you, and also thank you!

I mean, the management, staff, and the board of directors of this here “Lesbians in My Soup” thing do.  And by that, I mean we’re the ones doing the thanking. Of you, the thanked. And buddy, just how thankin’ great does that make you feel, huh?

But now it’s over. Season One, I mean. Season One is caput, finito, finished. It’s dead and it’s done and it won’t be coming home again anytime soon. Don’t bother leaving a light on.

Season One’s done but Two still ain’t here…

So while we’re waiting… Something has come to our attention. Confusion. Yours, not ours. The confusion, I mean. Of you, the confused.

You’re asking, “What the hell is going on around here?” At “Lesbians in My Soup,” you mean.

So here. Right here. We’re giving you something. Right now. Call it a gift. From us. A Season One gift. For you, the thanked. And for you, the confused…

It’s the
(Season One)

Part One: The Cast of Characters:

This is KATY. We’d have hoped this much was obvious. We’d have hoped that even an idiot could suss this out on his own. We’d have been wrong.

So this is Katy, and Katy is sort of the star and the hero around here. Of you, the en-heroed, I mean. She’s your star and she’s your hero. And when she’s not here being her heroic self, she’s sitting on a stool beneath downtown Houston selling other people cigarettes. And Coca-Colas. And birthday cards. And also small bags of flavored designer potato chips called Doritos.

But when she does this, she does it, you know, heroically.

Katy is married to DANA. Legally, I mean. Oh yes, we know what you’re thinking (you, the thinker), but they went up north a while back and they got it done up all nice and legal-like: Wedding dresses. Garter belts. Something blue. An old ball and chain. The works.

So this is Dana, and Dana and Katy are married and Katy writes about Dana a lot.

Grok it all so far?

Dana and Katy have SOME KIDS. Two or maybe three or maybe about fifty-seven of them.

Don’t ask us how. We’re not biologists. We don’t know how this stuff works. They just do. Have kids, I mean.

Katy and Dana have kids, but you will probably not be seeing very much of them. You won’t be seeing very much of them because this is the internet, and there are some weirdos in here, we hear. Something about a Rule 34…
And then there is AESOP and there is ANTHONY. Just this past March, Aesop married KatyWhen Aesop married Katy, Anthony married Dana.

Aesop and Anthony have been married for years. To each other. Legally, I mean. They went up north and got it done up all nice and legal-like.

Oh, and before we forget: Anthony is Katy’s twin brother.

We’re pretty sure this makes somebody here somebody else’s twin brother-in-law. Maybe the only example of such a thing in the whole wide world, in fact… Or maybe not. We don’t know how this stuff works. We’re not genealogists!

This is RICK PERRY. Rick Perry is Governor of Texas. But now, Rick Perry wants to be President of someplace called the “United States of America,” instead. Rick Perry does not want to be Governor of Texas anymore!

This is TEXAS. We are told thou shalt not mess with it (that’s somewhere in Deuteronomy!).

The thing you should know about Rick Perry is this: Rick Perry loves bigamy. Yessir, Rick Perry would not dream of arresting Katy and Dana and Aesop and Anthony for their bigamy like any other governor might. No-sir-ree-bob!

You see, Rick Perry supports the sacred right of four people to intermarry in a sort of matrimonial pretzel, the way the good Lord intended (that’s somewhere in Ecclesiastes!).

If you were to ask him about it, Rick Perry would probably not admit it. Admit he supports the sacred right of four people to intermarry in a sort of matrimonial pretzel, I mean.

But that is only because Rick Perry is very modest. And very humble. And because sometimes, Rick Perry has difficulty explaining how he feels:

This is ULYSSES MALLOY. As you undoubtedly already know, Ulysses Malloy is the one and only. The notorious. The incomparable. The world famous-est bigamist, anarchist, cattle rustler, heresiarch, and all-around teller of tall fish tales.

But whenever he comes, he comes in disguise and nobody knows his true identity. Nobody.

This is SAINT ATHANASIUS. Not the old Egyptian Father of the Church (CE 265-373), but a tiny living tarantulic replica.

Saint Athanasius hates the Arians and accompanies Katy everywhere she goes… which explains why Katy so rarely has trouble with marauding Arians, methinks.


That’s merely a flesh wound…

And that’s about it. We hope that clears it up. The confusion, I mean. Yours.

We hope you will join us for Season Two of “Lesbians in My Soup” when it comes. And it is coming. In fact, it’s coming soon.

And when it comes, you will experience…

…twice the mustaches!!!

…and three times the dwarves!!!

…all in one tasty soup!!!

Coming Soon!!!**

**Check your local listings for exact times and locations


  1. I would wait on pins and needles, but that sounds sort of uncomfortable. But I will be waiting.

  2. @Ted McLaughlin: What's a little bit of discomfort compared to the benefit you get from it?
    C'mon, man. A little asceticism never hurt anyone (Athanasius taught me that!)
    Actually, a little asceticism probably has hurt a few people, but still... Lesbians in My Soup, Season 2!

  3. Um, you guys are awesome. I eagerly await season two. More marriage? More mayhem? More rugrats? Hopefully, no more arachnids though. Brrr.

  4. Whose soup? Because when I read this I think "my" as in "yours" and it's your story to tell. And then I think, no, this is a clever little blog and the author is clever and she's implying it's MY soup and their are lesbians in it.

    I'm good with that.

    I never met a lesbian I didn't like.

    But I've never had one in my soup.

    I think I'm going to need to see Season 2.

  5. My wife - not my ex-wife, but my now-wife, who doesn't make me want to inject hard liquor, drink narcotics, or commit violent felonies the way my ex-wife used to do - we, my wife and I, were discussing this pretzel bigamy thingy you describe and we, my now-and forever wife and I, have decided that you, all of you, or at least some of you, but certainly YOU, are a very devious, civilly disobedient, diabolical genius, and we loves you - in a platonic, groupie-from-afar, non-threatening, trying not to be tooooooo creepy kinda way. Looking forward to the next season.

  6. Better than Season Two of "Portlandia" (and I've even had the honor of meeting Carrie on the street hereabouts).

    Lookin' forward to it.

  7. I think you should've just let the confused stay confused, as you have probably just confused them even more.

    Now I'm confused.
    Which doesn't take much.

    Bring on season two.
    But please no cameo performances from the Hoff.

  8. @Lydia Kang: Thanks!
    We have more than the one tarantula (the real number is embarrassing) and they are... pretty boring. The kids reach in and play with them (all separate cages) to freak their friends out, and no one has been bit.
    They are sort of like pet rocks!

    @Mad Woman Behind the Blog: I'm not all that clever.
    I once wrote a blog in second person. I was a character, and not the one to whom the narrator was talking.
    It was a disaster!

    @Thurman: Hi there!
    The Double Bigamy thing was originally a lawyer-like attempt to trick Texas into arresting us, thereby acknowledging the out of state gay marriage.
    It didn't work.
    But it's still fun!

    @Will: Aren't you supposed to be occupying something?
    I went back and read through some of my blogs at the old site the other day and realized how dark and twisted they are... I really need to get on the ball over here.
    So this was a palate cleanser.

  9. @dirtycowgirl: I get emails from people who say they don't get it.
    I can only think of 3 reasons why someone would continue to stop by if they don't understand what is going on:
    1. They like the pretty pictures;
    2. They think they can catch up eventually; or
    3. They like the company.
    So this blog was meant to sort all that out.
    In the end, I'm afraid I'm going to find that everyone who comes here found me by googling the word "lesbians"...

  10. Usually they charge $12 for a program and here you go giving it away for FREE!!! How very communial of you for sharing that way.

    I was hoping for a cliff hanger, but this was probably wiser in the long run. I am looking forward to twice the mustaches...

  11. yes. More dark and twisted. And with all these comming events I rather assumed Ulysses Malloy would be bringing a spare shoe, for... um...

    shit. I'm confused.

  12. yeah katy, i can understand the confusion. i have a platonic boyfriend that wacked someone out on G+ :)some people will not understand it at all :)

  13. i think i went to high school with ulysses malloy. his mustache wasn't quite as righteous and full back then, but i'd know those searing, penetrating eyes anywhere...

  14. Hahaha

    You should see the things people google and get brought to my blog.
    The mind really does boggle sometimes.

    And worry for the state of humanity.

  15. That's funny. I have a snake named Ignatius of Loyola. Well if I don't then I should.

  16. @Brent: I did the mustache bit for you,, you know!
    But the cliff hangers are for later seasons, when I'm not sure the audience is with me anymore.
    The Season Four cliff hanger - in which everyone is left wondering who shot me and whether I survive - is particularly sensationalistic. Or, rather, it WILL be...

    @JerseyDave: My difficult ones are getting about 1/5 the page views as the straightforward ones.
    ...which means I have a ways to go with my readers still.

    @Big a: With me - more often than not - there's not that much to get.
    Then there are the times when there IS, and no one gets it.
    I blame my abilities at communicating, usually.

  17. @Kage: Hey, Kage!
    Everyone has a Malloy story. he makes the Dos Equis guy look boring.
    While you're here, can you tell me why Henry Rollins gets interviewed in every single music documentary filmed in the last 5 years?

    @dirtycowgirl: One of my favorites was something like, "My husband was bigamist had to divorce now how do I pray?"
    That made me very sad, actually...

    @Elliot MacLeod-Michael: A Jesuit snake would be fantastic.
    I don't know how you'd enforce the whole poverty-chastity-obedience vows on the poor thing, but... At least Athanasius and Ignatius actually existed. Imagine the disappointment of naming your dog Saint Christopher only to discover he was a myth!

  18. wow xD that was really helpful!

  19. @semi: Always trying to make things as easily consumable as possible around here!

  20. Sure, Katy's a great character, but I really love that Texas guy. I'm looking forward to season 2 when he beats his wife for getting her GED and then executes a few more of the mentally retarded.

  21. If you do a recreation of the JR Ewing coming out of the shower after being shot the previous season.... shower scenes on the internet are always a big draw. Look for big numbers. But that is hardly creatative enough for our Katy. A word to the wise, you may want to leave off the mustache for any shower scenes. Women/showers/mustaches appeal to an entirely different demographic

  22. @A Beer for the Shower: I think I owe it to Texas to give it a platform to show off how great it is.
    It has a lot of competition these days - Florida and Arizona think they can beat it in the crazy department.
    Next week, Mississippi is going to make blastocysts legal persons - which means, presumably, they'll have the right to bear arms!
    Texas could fall behind if I don't look out for it!

    @Brent: I rely on the folks who read my stuff to keep me on track about stuff like that.
    So next season will end with me announcing, "I am Locutus of Borg. Resistance is futile."

  23. Where's the Knight In Tarnished Armour?

  24. @Bill the Butcher: I gotta save something for next season!
    So there might be THAT or there might be David Hasselhoff. Dirtycowgirl mentioned him specifically, and I think having his name on my page would be great for Google hits!

  25. "Always trying to make things as easily consumable as possible around here!"

    I've come a long way baby. It's just a matter of will power.

  26. Umm? Just when I thought I was starting to figure things out, you go and make a post like this!

    Gimme some time, I'll get it all sorted out! I am still new to this blog, after all. Can't expect me to just jump in and immediately know what the hell is going on!

  27. @JerseyDave: It's one day at a time, I know.
    You have just gotta tell yourself that you will not make the obvious sleazy comment today. Maybe tomorrow, but not today.
    And may God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change...

    @danjor21: I have always sort of wanted to write a blog where all the words appear inside the reader's blind spot.
    But that would give everybody a headache, and then they probably wold not come back.


Hey you! Why not leave a comment to tell me what you think of what I wrote?