Thursday, October 20, 2011

Top 4 Reasons I Am Against Gay Marriage

I am against gay marriage. I think it is an abomination.

I am against gay marriage. It should not be legal and it should not be accepted.

I am against gay marriage. Please don’t tell my wife.

It is June of 2011 and I am watching the t.v. And on the t.v. I am watching are lots and lots of New York queers and they are happy and they are smiling and they are dancing in the streets.

You might even say they are gay gays, if you go for that sort of thin wordplay.

This guy with a mic and a camera, he works for some t.v. station in N.Y.C., and he asks one of the queers why everybody looks so damn happy. Why everybody is smiling. Dancing in the streets.

And this queer – er, excuse me, this gay gay – he says, “We won! We can finally get married in the State of New York!”

He says, “Now, we are exactly like everybody else!”

Ha! That’s right. Exactly like everybody else, he says.

Have I mentioned I am against gay marriage?

*          *          *          *          *

"Birth, school, work, death: Here we come!"
I have never really felt that “gay pride” thing I hear so much about. I am not proud of the people I sleep with. Some of them, I am downright embarrassed about. I avoid them on the street, refuse eye contact, and under no circumstances will I be throwing a parade to bring attention to my folly.

And the majority of any group you can name tend to be… idiots. It’s not their fault, really. It’s just the law of averages.

And if there were ever to be some magical line of demarcation whereby the idiots stand on that side… over there… and the non-idiots stand on this side… over here… it seems doubtful to me that this hypothetical dividing line would have anything to do with the genitalia of anybody’s sex partners.

I mean, why would it?

But hey, “we” won! We won, goddamn it!

We beat the system and can now be just exactly like everyone else.

The corrupt system did not want us to conform to it, but boy, did we show the system. We civilized ourselves. Domesticated ourselves. Trivialized ourselves.

Take that, system!

And now we get to go to PTA meetings and watch “Everybody Loves Raymond”! We get Capri pants and opposable thumbs. Matchbox 20 records and sports utility vehicles and this high blood pressure medication I’ve been hearing so much about. Who knows? Someday soon, we might even get to vote Republican. What a win that will be!

Sky’s the limit, buddy.

It only took a couple decades for Christians to change from a persecuted minority in the Roman Empire to the persecuting majority. And President Obama and Colin Powell, Nancy Pelosi and Condoleezza Rice, these days, they can smoke them cigars in the back room and order an execution or the bombing of a third world nation just as smoothly as any old white male ever could back in the day.

So maybe I should sit back and look forward to gays and lesbians pulling that ladder up after ourselves. To clamping down on the next group that tries to organize a civil rights movement. God knows, nothin’ in this world says “I am a part of the system” like finding your very own minority to persecute.

But wait. I am against gay marriage, and I promised you my top four reasons for why that is.

I promised you something up top, and I always carry through on my promises.

So I am against the legalization and widespread acceptance of gay marriage and here’s why:

Number 4:       The Family Research Council, the Catholic Church, and Rick Santorum all assure me that marriage is the cornerstone of our civilization’s whole system of morality and property and law, and I believe them.

Number 3:       Anything that starts to become acceptable to my grandmother in Michigan immediately gets boring. Witness the career arches of Johnny Depp and Robert DeNiro, Metallica and Bowie and Adrianna Oopsy.

Number 2:       I am against gay marriage because I am against joining the gang of thugs whose traditional raison d'ĂȘtre has been to beat the shit out of me.

And the Number 1 reason I oppose the legalization of gay marriage:          I am against gay marriage because when you see rats swimming away from a ship, you do not fight to get on board that ship.

And I just can’t say it any more plainly than that. 


  1. I never thought about it this way. Brilliant. Love. Nothing else to say.

  2. I am linking this on Multiply. Awe-inspiring rant.

  3. @Allie: Hey there! Thank you.
    A few weeks back, I wrote that being gay is not genetic, and now I'm insisting that seeking civil rights = selling out.
    This is not going to earn me a large following in the community...

    @Bill the Butcher: It was angrier when it was in my head. More anti-civilization.
    But thanks - I get a lot of page views when you and Will link me from Multiply!

    @Death Shrike: Thanks. Whatever it takes to quiet the voices in my head...

  4. Brilliant! Thank god there are some people out there like me on this.

    Maybe you can help me on Bright Lights where I wrote a similar marriage-bashing rant and got nasty comments along the lines you mention; your rats leaving a sinking ship metaphor is spot on! I wrote a similar one on that piece, "But just because they now let gay couples on the Titanic, doesn’t mean it’s not still gonna sink." - we're paisan!

  5. @Erich Kuersten: Cool. I will have a look...
    It reminds me of "Star Wars" flipped onto its head, wherein Luke WANTS to join Darth Vader in ruling the galaxy, but Vader says, "No, no. We don't want you."
    Luke has to start a campaign to be allowed to join the dark side.
    It's a brilliant plan really: Make the mainstream look cooler by denying others access...

  6. Came here at the direction of Bill, you nicely put the issue on its head. Lovely.

  7. So (1) we gather all the "marginalised" members of various groups, to separate them from the idiotic mainstreams of their respective groups.

    Apply magical demarcation line - with (2) the large group of idiots on one side, and the large group of formerly marginalised non-idiots on the other side.

    And then we take a look at that group of non-idiots and... see step (1)

    Aggregating people makes the majority stupid.

  8. or, that which all people share is a tendency towards idiocy. Things are lookin' up!

  9. I'm against marriage whoever is doing it.

    It came from religion and I'm even more against that, and if anyone was ever stupid enough to want to spend their life with me I want them to stay because they want to. Not because of a piece of paper.

    I love your perspective on this though. And the picture at the top, much better then the shitty female w/w one I found yesterday.

  10. I have heard arguments (in jest) that Gay marriage should be allowed solely on the basis that hetro couples should not have to suffer alone.

    You make a good argument Katy and your anger did come across. Well done and you are the first to complete the circle. You must now come out against gay marriage while standing next to Rick Perry, or Michelle whatshername. They will want to distance themselves while at the same time embracing you, causing cerebral hemorrhage. Mission Accomplished

  11. PS - speak kindly of Adrianna Opppsie. She happens to be a favorite quasi fictional character of mine.

  12. Nobody wants to watch Everybody Loves Raymond. My favorite line here:
    "And the majority of any group you can name tend to be… idiots."
    Leave it to you to turn something on its ear and make perfectly logical sense of it. This is, as always, great writing.

  13. @Grainne: Cool. Thanks for stopping by.

    @JerseyDave: Taken together, I take those statements to mean that I’d LOVE to have a revolution, except that I can’t find anyone I’d want to revolt with me.

    @dirtycowgirl: Of course, this blog makes me a huge hypocrite, seeing as how I’m married to two people… Only one of them is someone of the same gender, though.

    @Brent: Adri’s a sellout. I bet her litigious liberal sensibilities won’t even allow her to endorse Rick Perry.

    @A Beer for the Shower: There are quite a few top-rated sitcoms like that – where I’ve never known anyone who claimed to watch them. “Two and a Half Men”? I mean, really?
    Of course, I don’t watch reality TV, either. I don’t watch much TV at all. It’s probably why I have so much time on my hands to go out and get married…

  14. Sellout - yeah, the first signs of that approaching are a "fan base." damn Groups.

  15. @JerseyDave: I don't think I know what "sellout" means, really.
    However, I do know it is appropriate to use it in the case of the individual in question.
    And also concert and movie tickets.

  16. The Matchbox 20 records ALONE should be a deterrent for ANYONE considering marriage. That's just an abomination!

  17. @Rafa: They are assigned to people when they receive their marriage license.
    I don't know why. Some weird Clinton-era law, I suppose.
    They never tell you these things ahead of time, though. So easy to get into a marriage yet so hard to get out...

  18. Damn! And I thought that your #1 reason was because you couldn't get laid as often!

  19. @KatyDid It's not for him telling the truth, but for his actions... in this case, mainly harrassing one of my friends, that I'd like to tell you where to stick that red hot poker you have.

  20. @Cal-el: Who is harassing your friends?

  21. So Gay Marriage is like that cool band that only I used to know about but now sells out arenas and lame people like?

    Makes sense.

    The line about voting Republican made me pee a little.

  22. @Kev. D: Exactly! I had a bit in here that mentioned "Invisible Touch" by Genesis, "Touch of Grey" by Grateful Dead, "Learning to Fly" by Pink Floyd, but cut it for length.

    It's not that I am possessive and don't want the cool bands getting popular. It's that they ALWAYS go downhill when it happens...

    Now I have to go back and read this blog again. Was my point that gay sex has gone downhill lately?

  23. We were just talking about Austin losing its charm/coolness since it made "best place to live" lists over the past 10 years. Point well made

  24. @Brent: My neighborhood is kind of the same way.
    It was home to outcasts, eventually got seen as "cool," the yuppies moved in and built condos, and now it's too expensive for the outcasts to live in...

  25. Very interesting. I've thought this myself at times, even when I argue in favor of allowing any consenting adult to marry any other consenting adult. Is it the wrong fight to be having? Wouldn't it be better to fight for acceptance of relationships that are not intended to result in marriage?

    I enjoy your blog so far. I decided to check it out after seeing that you followed mine.

  26. @Matt Foss: Thank you!
    I don't know the right answer.
    I mean, I think most folks aren't looking to start a revolution. They just want to be able to work and survive without being beaten to death for who they are.
    My way - which assumes we shouldn't be joining the system that's going down - might not be realistic for the majority.

  27. Well that's an insightfull observation - your way might not be best for 'the majority.' So, short of anrachy, is there any benefit for anybody to be considering the "good of the majority." Maybe we should just leave the majority alone.. and just focus on projecting the civil rights of the minorities?

  28. long as those aggregated minorities never become a majority.

  29. @JerseyDave:
    I don't think that's what I meant to say, if that's what I said.
    What I intended to say - or intended to convey - is that revolutions and other systemic changes are rarely (if ever) the result of actions of the majority.
    Most people want to be able to go on about their business. We have to be pretty damn inconvenienced before we'll take real action to change the system.
    Refusing to join majority culture is an act of defiance that is difficult, inconvenient, and relatively rare. It might be GOOD for the majority in the long run, but it's not to be expected from the majority...

  30. This is one of the very best blogs I have been to!
    Sincerely, Thank you.

  31. Thank you, Loafer!
    Tell yer friends. Your commission check is in the mail.

  32. To prove your point, even my consecrative minded wife doesn't care about gay marriage. It is time to rebel

  33. @Brent: Exactly.
    If the conservatives are being won over, it's time to get the liberals to switch sides again.

  34. I don't get it.
    I need a "katydid for dummies" book.

  35. my daughter who lives in San Francisco just became a ordained minister and is performing marriages for her gay friends. Is even going to Boston with some friends to marry someone there..I'm very proud of her.

  36. @Lemons Don't Make Lemonade: Thank you!
    I like to see if I can confuse or anger people who read the blog once in a while...
    Which you seem to be good at, too!

    @Anonymous: It's funny that you say that! I was thinking about writing an "Idiot's Guide to Lesbians in My Soup."

    @YELLOWDOG GRANNY: It boggles my mind that people care about which consenting adult someone marries. I'm not sure where the notion that anyone else has to approve of someone's spouse even comes from.
    I'm glad there are people like your daughter that sees that!

  37. I am against gay marriage because I had hoped that I, as a pansexual man, could just go full gay sometime to avoid marriage, and now all these gays are demanding their right to marry, and it's destroying my out.
    I'm also pissed that gays can join the army now, considering that was my out on avoiding a draft.

  38. @A Lunatic Pope: Uh-huh. Hopefully, this will inspire us all to go further out on that branch, to be MORE perverted.
    There MUST be something that still offends middle America that I'm willing to do.

  39. "Idiot's Guide to Lesbians in My Soup" - that's a great idea. And there's is of course room for a more 'fundamental' prequel. I'm not sure you're qualified to be lead author.

  40. @JerseyDave: The prequels come out like 30 years later, don't they?
    And I'm not even sure JarJar Binks hasn't retired by now...

  41. ..and you're likely, simultaneously your own post-mortem. Magic.

  42. @JerseyDave: I just do my thing, man.
    But the academic Buddhist in me has to think that there's really no such thing as a post-mortem online.
    There's always room to be reincarnated & to take another ride on the wheel...

  43. I am old enough to remember a time when being "progressive" meant being against the institution of marriage altogether.

  44. @Apuleius Platonicus: I picture "progressive" now to be a reform-minded designation, whereas the variations on "anarchist" indicate revolution or an overturning of the legal and property system.
    In other words, they want everyone to be able to get ON the boat and for the boat to be safer, but they don't have a huge problem with the boat itself.
    I think of myself as closest to an anarcho-syndicalist or an anarcho-primitivist.
    I guess.
    I'm willing to sink the boat.

  45. I just linked your article on horrible old Facebook to rub in the face of a smartass on why we should be against marriage and not gay people. Your website is a credit to humankind. Thanks.

    1. Thank you, prizola!

      When I finally come up with a page presenting "Praise for Lesbians in My Soup," your quote here will be included.

      Actually, it might have to be the ONLY quote included...


Hey you! Why not leave a comment to tell me what you think of what I wrote?