I am against gay marriage. I think it is an abomination.
I am against gay marriage. It should not be legal and it should not be accepted.
I am against gay marriage. Please don’t tell my wife.
It is June of 2011 and I am watching the t.v. And on the t.v. I am watching are lots and lots of New York queers and they are happy and they are smiling and they are dancing in the streets.
You might even say they are gay gays, if you go for that sort of thin wordplay.
This guy with a mic and a camera, he works for some t.v. station in N.Y.C., and he asks one of the queers why everybody looks so damn happy. Why everybody is smiling. Dancing in the streets.
And this queer – er, excuse me, this gay gay – he says, “We won! We can finally get married in the State of New York!”
He says, “Now, we are exactly like everybody else!”
Ha! That’s right. Exactly like everybody else, he says.
Have I mentioned I am against gay marriage?
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I have never really felt that “gay pride” thing I hear so much about. I am not proud of the people I sleep with. Some of them, I am downright embarrassed about. I avoid them on the street, refuse eye contact, and under no circumstances will I be throwing a parade to bring attention to my folly.
And the majority of any group you can name tend to be… idiots. It’s not their fault, really. It’s just the law of averages.
And if there were ever to be some magical line of demarcation whereby the idiots stand on that side… over there… and the non-idiots stand on this side… over here… it seems doubtful to me that this hypothetical dividing line would have anything to do with the genitalia of anybody’s sex partners.
I mean, why would it?
But hey, “we” won! We won, goddamn it!
We beat the system and can now be just exactly like everyone else.
The corrupt system did not want us to conform to it, but boy, did we show the system. We civilized ourselves. Domesticated ourselves. Trivialized ourselves.
Take that, system!
And now we get to go to PTA meetings and watch “Everybody Loves Raymond”! We get Capri pants and opposable thumbs. Matchbox 20 records and sports utility vehicles and this high blood pressure medication I’ve been hearing so much about. Who knows? Someday soon, we might even get to vote Republican. What a win that will be!
Sky’s the limit, buddy.
It only took a couple decades for Christians to change from a persecuted minority in the Roman Empire to the persecuting majority. And President Obama and Colin Powell, Nancy Pelosi and Condoleezza Rice, these days, they can smoke them cigars in the back room and order an execution or the bombing of a third world nation just as smoothly as any old white male ever could back in the day.
So maybe I should sit back and look forward to gays and lesbians pulling that ladder up after ourselves. To clamping down on the next group that tries to organize a civil rights movement. God knows, nothin’ in this world says “I am a part of the system” like finding your very own minority to persecute.
But wait. I am against gay marriage, and I promised you my top four reasons for why that is.
I promised you something up top, and I always carry through on my promises.
So I am against the legalization and widespread acceptance of gay marriage and here’s why:
Number 4: The Family Research Council, the Catholic Church, and Rick Santorum all assure me that marriage is the cornerstone of our civilization’s whole system of morality and property and law, and I believe them.
Number 3: Anything that starts to become acceptable to my grandmother in Michigan immediately gets boring. Witness the career arches of Johnny Depp and Robert DeNiro, Metallica and Bowie and Adrianna Oopsy.
Number 2: I am against gay marriage because I am against joining the gang of thugs whose traditional raison d'être has been to beat the shit out of me.
And the Number 1 reason I oppose the legalization of gay marriage: I am against gay marriage because when you see rats swimming away from a ship, you do not fight to get on board that ship.
And I just can’t say it any more plainly than that.