Saturday, December 31, 2011

The Disappearance of Stagger Lee

My wifes cat is gone.

It was here, and then it wasn’t. It was here as late as Thursday, as best as we can reconstruct the timeline of events.

It was here, and then there was a period of time – perhaps as long as 12 hours – when everyone assumed it was here, but it probably wasn’t.

Then the time came when it was gone and we knew it was gone.

He was gone.

Stagger Lee is gone.

An advertisement for pet GPS I have seen on my television informs me that this means the chances are overwhelming – 4 in 5, they state in the commercial, and in a very matter-of-fact way, so I am inclined to believe them – that Stagger Lee will never be found.

At least never found by me. Nor by my wife. Nor by our kids. Nor by anyone who is likely to return Stagger Lee to me. To us.

But he’s grown so fat and so sleepy and so mean! How did he even manage to get out and away from the house?

Perhaps Stagger Lee decided – whilst lounging on his favorite recliner during one of his famous 20-hour lounging marathons – that life is too short to be spent inside of houses. Perhaps he heard me say it and he agreed!

I am inclined to doubt this theory, however.

Stagger Lee was not a very philosophical feline...


  1. I hope Stagger Lee spent the last of his 9 lives pursuing something worthwile. Sounds like he may have fallen alseep in a moving truck, which happened to our neighbors cat. Showed up 4 weeks later.

  2. @Brent: They say cats can always find their way back. I have my doubts about this one.

    On the upside, stray cats do VERY well in gay neighborhoods.

  3. I never thought about that! He could have been Cat Napped (all puns intended)

  4. @Brent: Oh no... cat puns tend to go downhill pretty quickly...

    My neighborhood has a very high feral cat population. I think a cat could live pretty well here just sleeping under a house until feeding time.

  5. Let us hope, Katy, that Stagger did, indeed, simply wander off.

    You probably remember my story of Chloe. That, as you might recall, did not end well, and I don't wish that on anyone.

  6. oh nooooo! kitty come home. what a sad tale to read on day 1 of a new year. please keep us posted!

  7. @Will: I think it's a good neighborhood to be a feral cat, all things considered.
    Half of my zip code is owned by a gay club owner who brags to the press about how feeds 2,000 feral cats every day.

    @Violet: Thanks, Violet.
    I've been fairly bummed out about it for several days now.
    I'm hoping for the best for the fat, crazy jerk, whether or not he chooses to ever come back around. But I wish he would...

  8. Did he return? I'm a dog guy, not a cat fancier, so I can't give you any advice. Cats aren't as far as I know territorial animals like dogs, so wandering isn't a biologically prohibited action for them. Was he neutered?

  9. @Bill the Butcher: Thanks, Bill.
    Dogs can get stolen by a passersby or hit by a car, or run down a road and go to Austin.

    Cats don't do that. I suspect cats will run under the neighbor's house and then go find a crazy cat lady to get food from...

    He was neutered AND on female hormones (to cal, down his temper).
    Neither stopped him from humping clothes, of course...

  10. Don't give up hope completely. Fun fact: my cat was gone for a month. A month. One day he showed up at my doorstep looking very tired and very skinny, but he was otherwise in good health and was happy to see us. We never thought we'd see him again.

    Then again, he's not your typical male, so he probably did stop to ask for directions.

  11. Yipes! AWOL and off his meds! I will drive down to Harry Hines Ave in Dallas to see if he is there. Typically that is where guys go when in such a condition.

  12. @A Beer for the Shower: I keep hearing that "one month" time frame.
    I was hoping to have a new one moved in and trained by that time.
    I'll wait a month, haha...

    @Brent: He's probably under the house next door.
    Most of the houses around here that haven't been torn down to make room for yuppie-townhomes were built between the Twenties and the Fifties, meaning they are built on blocks instead of foundations. Plenty of room for animals.

  13. My asshole cat went missing for about two months during the coldest time of the year one time. I thought for sure he was gone for good. But then out of the blue, there he was again on my doorstep. He was one of those cats that had "thumbs" so I assumed he had been safely hitch-hiking the greater Denver area the whole time. Finger crossed for Stagger Lee to return to you.

  14. Sad news...I had a cat disappear for three weeks. Finally we found him at the bottom of the street with some old lady who kept buying him salmon...cats!

  15. @sugarfreethoughts: Two months?! That expands my time frame...
    I have now received a couple phone calls of possible sightings.
    Turns out that putting your phone number on telephone poles gets you weird phone calls...

    @G: That temptress! These Crazy Cat Ladies and their evil salmon...

  16. Has he been found yet? My eldest daughter, the Doberman, is seriously ill, which is why I'm not much on the 'net these days.

  17. @Bill the Butcher: Still missing.
    I'm so sorry to hear about the Doberman.
    I never had non-humans around the house growing up, but now that I do... They are definitely members of the family...

  18. Maybe he had visions of mouseburgers and went on an epicurian search for more than just kitty chow.

    Seriously, though, I hope you find him.

  19. @Lydia Kang: Have you heard? This web site might be dangerous!
    I got another call today about a potential Stagger Lee sighting.
    My neighborhood is Feral Cat Heaven, so there's little reason for him to ever miss me...

  20. He would have come back, but a crazy cat lady is feeding him expensive cat food and petting him 'til his coat is crazy shiny and smooth as he naps on her lap while she watches her stories. He'll be OK.

    The End

  21. @el chupacabra: I do think he's fine without me.
    At least until his behavioral modification meds wear off, I mean...
    Stagger Lee deserves a Crazy Cat Lady!

  22. I've often thought of swapping you for a feral cat. Cheers, good luck with The Return of Stagger Lee.

    1. Where the hell have you been?

      There has been absolutely NO quality control on this bog since you disappeared.

      What's it been? Two months? You should get your priorities straight...


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