Sunday, June 3, 2012

Don’t Call Us Cannibals!

Now, first you’ve got your zombies, and of course they get all the attention these days, don’t they? All of the glory.

It used to be your vampires, but then your vampires sort of… jumped the shark. Got all glittery. It’s like what happened with KISS and with Green Day: Once the prepubescent girls start digging something, it’s only a matter of time.

And I have to say that it’s not all bad, anyway, even with the zombies getting all the press time and what have you. It is always nice to have someone to blame. Someone to keep the heat off of you.

Off of me.

But still, the misconceptions can pile up pretty fast and furious, and after a week like last week, feelings tend to get hurt. Egos bruised.

So now I have been chosen as the one who gets to come out of the proverbial closet and clarify a few things. I have been selected – to the extent that people like us are ever organized enough in our thoughts and our actions to speak in a single voice – to speak on behalf of the group.

We do agree on one thing, and I’ll lead with it. If you remember nothing else that I say today, remember this: DON’T CALL US CANNIBALS!


Because here’s the thing. A quick history lesson before I move on to the heart of the matter. The word “cannibal”? It comes from “Canibales” which was the Spanish word for some people in the West Indies who (you guessed it!) consumed other people. And, well, if you know anything about the 16th century Spanish Caribbean, you have already jumped far enough ahead that you know what it is that I am going to say next.

I am going to say don’t call us cannibals. I am going to say “Cannibal”  is our slave name.

It’s an insult. It’s a slur. We don’t even call each other that. Not even in our hip hop songs. You can confuse us with zombies. You can confuse us with vampires. You can say that we need to be tracked down and locked away and starved where we cannot hurt anyone else. But if you have any interest in holding a serious conversation with any of us, please don’t drop the C word (I’m looking at you, New York Times!).

These days, most of us prefer to be called “homophages”. Now, this word is not without problems of its own, and if you were to point out that “anthropophage”  is actually more… linguistically correct, you’d be right. But we’ve tried anthropophage – mostly as an elitist trend on the university level – and it’s never really stuck.

 So homophages it is. We eat things like ourselves.

When something like the Miami story breaks, all Hell breaks loose in homophage circles. Because of the dubious legality of what it is we do, we try to keep a low profile. Pop culture starts shouting about the Zombie Apocalypse. The media starts investigating some new street drug.

But we know. How could we not know?

Look at the guy who did the eating. He is the one on the left. Now look at the guy whose face was eaten. He is the one on the right.

As a general rule of thumb, if this had been a zombie attack, the roles would have been reversed. The guy on the right would have eaten the guy on the left. Zombies don’t look like the guy on the left. Zombies have bad skin. Sometimes no skin.

And zombies don’t seek out an old homeless dude whose own family did not even know he was still alive. Zombies start gnawing on whoever is convenient. This is the reason there is no zombie underground. It is hard to be subtle in your tactics when half your brain is putrefied.

A homophage is not going to eat your mother. You can invite a homophage to your wedding reception and be reasonably certain that the guests will all leave in one piece. We even know which utensil is the salad fork and our hand will not fall off while we’re reaching for it.

Homophages perform an invaluable service to society, a service comparable to houseflies or earthworms or grubs. We only eat the folks that nobody wants, anyway. Homeless people and anarchists and atheists and boy bands. We clean out the dregs.

Hollywood might not be doing flips over us. There aren’t going to be video games series and books and adaptations of great literature incorporating us.

But still.

You’re welcome, America.

Here is the thing: We homophages choose to live as we live. We are not a dead, buried and then resurrected people who, through some strange, never-quite-explained infection are compelled to feast on human flesh in order to remain reanimated.

We are not zombies. We are not vampires. We are not bath salt addicts.

We are homophages. We are your mothers. Your daughters. Your neighbors. We are even your ministers and your bosses and your elected officials.

We are just people who enjoy eating other people. We chose this life and, as the Catholics say, without free will there is no merit.

We’re here. You’re dinner. Get used to it. 

44 comments:

  1. I knew there was something bigoted about "cannibal". How about "people chewers"? Is there a proper way to season human or is raw preferred, let the meat speak for itself?
    Also, obviously that guy wasn't a zombie, he was naked. Zombies are never naked.
    I apologize for the large subculture I may have offended for ever using "cannibal". Or even saying something close like "cannonball".

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's okay, Pickleope.

      Your blog was the direct inspiration for this post. As I was typing a comment over there, I realized I had found this week's blog topic.

      You're not a bigot. You're just, you know, like how my grandfather was with African-Americans. It's a generational thing.

      Delete
  2. Sarah Palin was the best-looking spokeshomophage so far.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah, but she was too obvious.

      It's important for us to fight the old stereotypes. I look at her, I think, "Oh! Sure. Old school cannibal."

      Delete
  3. Ohh Cannibals, sorry homophage. Reminds me of 30 rock episode where Jack would call Florida as new Australia - land of convicts. Maybe I should move there, just not typhoons and tycoons, disneyland but homophages are to invite more tourists.
    I think I have more respect for Armin Meiwas - Rotenburg Cannibal sorry Rotenburg homophage, who got the consent of his victim and then proceeded with chopping, seasoning and sauting. This guy disgusts me, he didnt ask the homeless guy's permission nor did he offer him - him to eat.
    I dont understand why people call this as Zombie Apocalypse. Zombies are dead once and then come back alive and then feed on living humans, they dont feed on another zombies.
    Oh my, Americans and their vocabulary, shame , shame.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Exactly. Words have meaning!

      And getting consent of the eaten party is so important.

      Delete
  4. Oh, oh my. I didn't even know such a subculture existed, outside of little events like when suicide and homophagous forums came to light after one guy ate another guy...who WANTED to be eaten, y'know?

    Huh. Time to do some research~!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We are here to educate.

      And when you do that Google research, if the FBI comes sniffing around your house... you didn't hear anything from THIS site...

      Delete
  5. Replies
    1. Hey, Brent!

      Where have ya been?

      Delete
    2. My work laptop died, the hard drive imploded one afternoon. The replacement has all social networking sites blocked. I have to steal computer time where I can.

      My only comment about the blog, you are what you eat.

      Happy Friday!!

      Delete
    3. Clearly, this is NOT a social networking site, but rather, um...

      Well, in this post, you learned why homophages don't want to be called that other word.

      So it's sort of Cultural Sensitivity training, in a way.

      You might not be able to use that excuse to get on a site with "lesbians" in the URL...

      Delete
  6. Fascinating…I was nibbling at my nails and cuticles when I started reading this, Katy, and then I stopped cold—suddenly feeling disoriented as I stared at my fingers. I wondered just exactly what in the hell I was doing and what it should be called. Like for instance, does the act of nail biting make me self-homophagistic, or would it be classified as self-cannibalistic? I think, perhaps, I might prefer the more highbrow self-anthropophagistic label.

    Your excellent post has given me much to consider. Human food for thought…

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Autophagia?

      Fantastic.

      It seems like that would only work for so long, though. You'd want to save the good bits (like, say, the tongue) for the very last.

      Delete
  7. I think eating a person can be quite romantic. Let's say, for example, my dear husband died. That invisible bloke who serenaded me one Spring evening and won my heart. That one. If he died, I would want to eat him, so that he would exist inside of me forever, or at least for a few days. I didn't just write all that.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's like the "primitive" idea that eating someone gives you that person's powers.

      Sort of like "Highlander" but with more blood and spleens.

      (I can see you're much more of a romantic than I am!)

      Delete
  8. You know, if we want to get nerdy and technical, aren't zombies another species? So calling a zombie a cannibal would imply that they eat other zombies. But they don't. Zombies only eat humans. So they definitely aren't cannibals.

    Common sense, people!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. In the land of the zombies, eating other zombies is taboo.

      They're zombies. They're not monsters!

      Delete
  9. Replies
    1. If I'm going to eat you, you're going to have to spice yourself up a lot.

      If you could go ahead a pre-soak yourself in Habanero for a few days, it will make this whole process easier on the both of us when I get there.

      Delete
    2. Katy. Done. OK, somewhat done, as I've basted my left leg from ankle-to-knee and my right hip. I need you to promise to stick to your alloted cuts as I have plans for the rest of me that don't include pre-digested parts.

      Which reminds me. Where do you and your lovely stand on the child rearing issues of breast feeding kids into their freshman year of college, and that whole "let me eat your food first" mastication dealio?

      I'm planning an expose' and when I asked my lesbian sister for her opinions, she said to me, "Don't be an asshole, Mooner. Why does my preference in sexual partners make any difference in how to raise kids?"

      I told her it shouldn't, but does, and that she knows I'll only print the truth as I see it.

      Maybe you can do a guest host posting for me. Some of my readers are smart and literate and will appreciate a refreshing change.

      Delete
    3. I'm going to see what I can do scare the shit out of your readers. I hope you haven't desensitized them so badly that they can't be shaken...

      Whatever health benefits that kids are going to get from breast feeding are pretty much accomplished by the age of 3. There are certain immune system benefits and such... Anything later than that, it seems like you're setting the kid of for some creepy fetishes later in life.

      I might be biased. I'm basically dad.

      Delete
  10. jervaise brooke hamsterJune 4, 2012 at 8:21 PM

    Katy, i really like those pictures of you, in them you look like an incredibly alluring and enticing cross between a "goth/satan/bitch" and "Sandra Dee" (circa 1965), both pictures drove me absolutely wild with lust and desire Katy, you are such a hot chick.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, jervaise.

      I did it all hoping to get a compliment from a hamster!

      Delete
  11. You need to be a little careful with the whole "We homophages choose to live as we live." The next thing you know Marcus Bachman is gonna get another government grant to open up a chain of clinics with the intent of CHURCHING it out of you! All I'm saying, is more research needs to be done!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's never bothered me when folks say that these things are lifestyle choices.

      I like my life, and I'd prefer to believe I chose it.

      Religion, on the other hand - now that is genetic. Obviously.

      Delete
  12. you're so right about Vampires jumping the shark...great photo's
    The whole Zombie obsession is crazy...but the government certainly doesn't help.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, no kidding. The CDC releasing that statement denying the Zombie Apocalypse is hysterical. It's like adding gasoline to the fire.

      If there is EVER a wacko belief, conspiracy, or crazy idea that you want everyone to take off with, get the government to deny it.

      Wait... There's gotta be a way I can use this idea to my benefit... What do I want everyone to believe? How can I get the government to claim it's not true?

      I'll be back. Or maybe not...

      Delete
  13. Homophage looks a lot like homo fag.

    Are you secretly trying to tell us something?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi, Anonymous.

      How did you know?

      I am secretly trying to come out as a "homo fag." It has been a huge secret up until now, here at "Lesbians in My Soup."

      Delete
  14. You can eat me anytime! Haha. I'm a little old, so I might be stringy. Of course, I technically AM a zombie since my heart was removed from my body for awhile. Funny thing, though... I have no desire to eat brains. I guess the doctor did something wrong.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Maybe you just haven't met anyone whose brain is worth eating.

      There was once a tribe somewhere (it is probably made up, but I've read of it) that would eat the brains of their enemies to capture their enemies powers.

      If you can gain your enemies' wisdom by eating their brains, presumably you could gain their stupidity, too.

      Statistically speaking, avoiding brain-eating altogether would probably be the better bet.

      Delete
    2. I agree. Avoiding brain eating is probably the best bet. There was an experiment done in the 60s or 70s where they injected a serum of someone's brain into another person. The person whose brain they used was very intelligent and very promiscuous. The person who was injected became promiscuous as well, which had not been his nature.

      I only saw one article on the subject. I believe it was in the Houston Post, though it may have been in Popular Science. I'm leaning toward the Houston Post, though.

      Delete
    3. Eating brains was also the original means that mad cow disease got spread.

      Also, they are contained inside a skull, which makes the nutrional cost-versus-benefit poor at best.

      Delete
  15. Is it true all self-respecting homophage gangs have a homophagehag in tow?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Haha... They have PARTS of a homophage hag in tow.

      Nick Cave: "If you're gonna dine with the cannibals / Sooner or later you're going to get eaten."

      Delete
  16. lmao! that was awesome! i will never call you a cannibal again :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Good. Because I was just about fed up with- Wait.

      Fed up!

      Haha. Puns are the highest form of comedy...

      Delete
  17. Katy, the Mayan calender says the world will end on December 21st this year, that also happens to be Jane Fonda's 75 birthday and the 75th anniversary of the release of Snow White ! ! !, an odd and sinister co-incidence i think you`ll agree.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's all coming together.

      If we could only figure out what Terrence McKenna, Barbarella, and Sleepy the Dwarf have in common, we'd be well on our way to Enlightenment!

      Delete
  18. Hope you are enjoying dinner. Discovered this and loved it. As a consequence I left something for you...

    http://troghead.blogspot.co.uk/2012/06/another-award-yay.html#axzz1xWDpPrnu

    Hope you like it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, Brian!

      I am awful about abiding by the rules for those things, but I always display them in a prominent place on my page.

      I will dust it every day.

      Delete
  19. Replies
    1. I find that most people who read this blog have the munchies.

      Delete

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