Saturday, June 30, 2012

The Legend of the Kuzins

Oh Lord, you know I’ve been good! Six weeks, seven weeks… Why, it might’a been nearly so much as eight.

I’ve been brushing my teeth. Flossing. Sometimes every day and once in a blue moon twice on Sunday. Washing behind my ears. No unladylike scratching in public.

No gloating over the misfortunes of my enemies, tempting as that might be. No obscenities across t-shirts that could cause a minor scandal down at the school PTA. No smoke entering these lungs cepting the smoke you, my Lord, hath put in the Houston sky by means of your most holy corporations.

And Lord, I know you’ve seen me around, now. You can admit this, just between Great Big You and Little Old Me.  I’ve been bright-eyed and bushytailed. A mother. A wife. A role model to children. A helper of old ladies across streets. A retriever for dwarves of the last box of Cap’n Crunch from the top shelf at Kroger. A giver of the properly calculated amount of change to customers – even to those customers who cannot or will not ever count it later on anyways.

That’s all over now, though, Lord. Katy turned over a new leaf, but the new leaf upped and died on the vine. You see, I have learned my lesson about new leaves. This here is the Story of How.

This here’s the story of a monster most terrible that was known as the Kuzins. And it was the Kuzins that killed my new leaf.

Now the Kuzins is Dana’s kin, albeit in some mysterious and never-quite-explained manner. And I’d heard stories of the Kuzins, but I’d never laid eyes on it until that phone call last week from the end of the family driveway.

And Dana says, “The Kuzins is here.”

Dana says, “The Kuzins is gonna stay a while.”

The Kuzins sloshed on up the front steps. It came squeezing in through the front door with kind of a squishing sound and a wheezing. Flapping tentacles and sending down a rain of luggage and National Enquirer Magazine subscription cards as it arrived.

And when I was introduced, you know I smiled and I looked it right in what I thought was an eye but turned out to be a dimple of some kind. Some part of it I thought was a mole or a wart started talking and then it occurred to me that maybe the thing was lying on its side. Had fallen over during its arrival. That had to be it! Then that over there would be an elbow… Which would make this, let’s see… A foot, maybe? A glove?

I just kept smiling – all teeth – my new leaf having been turned and all.

The Kuzins, it says, “What do you call it?”

Dana says, “What do I call what?” and then the Kuzins points at me with a flipper or a pseudopod or whatever it is that a Kuzins points with when it’s pointing. And it says, “Your husband. Do you call it ‘it’ or do you call it ‘he’?”

And Lord, I hope you were watching me. I was just standing there and I was smiling through it all, like your only Son, Jesus, would have done in my shoes. I mean, at least the Kuzins asked and didn’t just assume like so many do, right?

It was roundabout this point in our tale that the Kuzins started talking to itself, and then several patches of hair about halfway down its girth separated themselves off from the rest of it – Pop! Pop! Pop!  And lo and behold! The Kuzins was not one thing at all! It was a group of things – some of them little, some of them big.

The little Kuzins were told to run along and play with my children, and they did.

And everywhere they went, they left behind everything covered with a sticky film.

But I stood a while, and then I sat, and then I smiled, and then I nodded my head at the appropriate times. And I said, “The world is gone crazy!” when that seemed to be the right response to a story the big Kuzins was telling.

Then a day went by, and then another. And I was still on my best behavior, which was my usual behavior now that I’d gone and turned over a new leaf and all.

I was walking down the hall on Day Number Three when I happened to see a large herd of the Kuzins in one of the rooms. At first it seemed they were migrating, but then I noticed they were huddled around an open book of some kind, and with my daughters in tow, no less. They were moaning some kind of spell or some kind of curse or incantation, and when I came in close, I could hear it.

It went like this:

“And if you lie with a man as you lie with a woman, you have committed an abomination in the eyes of God. You are to be put to death. And your blood will be on your own head.”

I took a deep breath through my nose. I exhaled slowly, though my mouth. Just like they taught us in that court-ordered anger management class. And in the moment before I stepped through the door and into that room to retrieve my daughters, I heard my eldest, Rachel, say, “But… Why would they be killed? My moms don’t lay with men!”

Two more days went by. Two more days full of guttural noises and of mystery substances spread all across the carpets. Two more days full to the brimming with stories of the many wonders of that paradise known as rural Oklahoma. Two more days full of blubbery outrage responses to the outcomes of various so-called reality tv shows.

Tick-tock, tick-tock. I just kept smiling, you see? You see? You did see, didn’t you, Lord? Lord, they say you see everything. You see the bad I do, so I surely do hope that you saw the good, while it was there.  

Tick-tock, tick-tock.

Then came the night I had to go away for a few hours. Not too long, mind you: Just long enough to run some errands. And  the sun went down while I was out and away, so that when I came back to my house, I could see that only the living room light was on inside.

I walked in the door to see the Kuzins. And the Kuzins was crying out of various orifices, most of them unidentifiable. And the Kuzins was shaking like a thing or things possessed. And somewhere down between its folds of skin and hair and sweat and tears, there was Dana!

The Kuzins was crying, “We can cure you, Dana! Let us take to from this place and to a man we know who can cure you of these demons that have claimed your soul! Pray with us, Dana!”

And that, oh Lord, is when my new leaf died.

I did not smile. I did not inhale through my nose and then exhale through my mouth the way they taught us to do in that court-ordered anger management class.

No, before I even knew what was happening, I heard my very own voice coming out of my very own mouth as I pointed to the door and said, “Get the fuck out of my house. Get your shit together and collect your spawn and get out and don’t you ever come back here.”

In my own defense, I said this quite calmly. I did not yell. I did not repeat myself. I didn’t have to repeat myself, for the message was received by its intended audience the first time.

It takes about six hours to hit the Oklahoma border when you head north on Interstate 45 from Houston.

So that is the Story of the Kuzins who killed by new leaf and the Story of How. And Lord, I hope you understand.

I know in my heart that you do.

And for my part, I promise never to pretend to be somebody else ever again. Never to try and act like another suburban soccer mom. And I promise to forget which fork is which when I go out to fancy restaurants with Dana, to never brush my teeth unless my teeth personally tell me they wanna be brushed, and to always identify a pile of bullshit when I see one lying on the ground.

I thank you, Lord, and I’ll catch all y’all again real soon. Hallelujah, Amen and Gris-Gris Gumbo Ya Ya…


  1. I'm sorry this happened. I think we all probably have Kuzins. You were kind of awesome for putting up with that for three days straight.

    1. Hey, Rupert!

      This was not a bad thing. It reminded me what happens when I'm too much of a pushover. If I lose my edge for just a little while then the insanity invades my very home...

  2. Not many people can drop a "pseudopod" reference into a post.
    Kuzins are like vampires, if you don't invite them in, they can't come in, but if you do, they will wreak havoc. Sometimes physical, sometimes psychological, but always, havoc. But you used a reasoned, calm voice to exorcise your home, I thought you had to abandon your home and light it on fire to get rid of them. Live and learn I suppose.

    1. If they just would have driven into town a coupe days earlier than they did, they would have run right into the Gay Pride Parade just down the street.

      Gay Pride Parades, as you probably know, are to people from Oklahoma what holy water is to vampires or bright lights to Mogwai.

      Sadly, Pride was over so I had to take matters into my own hands!

    2. Speaking about gay pride parades, do you watch NBC news? All the evils and hell break loose because of these parades , atleast in Chicago.
      Last year it was them you caused lot of issues and churches had to skip their mass and close on sunday to safeguard children and lord's children. This year the increase in gunshooting and global warming and everything is because of post parade chaos, looks like they couldnt find anything to complain about peaceful parade so had to go for post parade equation .

    3. Big parades can screw with business-as-usual in neighborhoods.

      We live right by where the Houston Pride Parade happens - and we LEAVE for the weekend most years. 300,000 straight folks come down to gawk at the parade, and 300,000 extra people trying to park and find food in the area can really cause a stir.

      That being said, in most cities, you'll see the mayor and the police chief and the fire chief and most of the City Council IN the parade itself, so it's not exactly a Hieronymus Bosch painting.

  3. Is that photo of your kids in your house? If so why didn't you just use one of those badass-looking swords on your kuzins?

    1. I really should say no so as to avoid the inevitable warnings from others about having weapons in the house where kids can reach them. But since the picture of Me and Dana is clearly taken in the same place, yes. It's our place.

      We save the swords for bigger game than the Kuzins, though.

      Incidentally, the gif of Mila Kunis was also taken in our house. We have her come over just to flip the bird at people. It's all very sexy.

    2. That appears to be a pretty badass floorplan. I dig the columns.

      The kids don't appear to ba able to reach them though, I wouldn't worry.

    3. Thanks, Rafa.

      We have all sorts of strange things around the house (our emperor scorpion had its babies last week!).

      Someday, I'll have to take everyone on a virtual tour of the place!


  5. I'm sure you're not lost but just in case Katy's the cook, stooges are kuzins

    1. Haha... I knew that because I am wearing that same chef hat right now. I'm also moderately surprised, in retrospect, I didn't use the term "sho goin' crazy" at some point in this blog post!

      One of my kids just heard that clip and now thinks she needs to watch the Three Stooges.

  6. What an ass-whipping of a time!! I guess you could have escaped back to your home away from home. You know, the closet underground. But that would have left you in deep doo doo when you arrived home again.

    1. Hi, Mama Mia!

      I have been very good and stuck with the family home for months now. IN this case, Dana thanked me later on...

      By the way, I have not forgotten the "Lesbian Dumpster Diving Part 2" thing. I have the first half written. I'm having issues with it, so I'll have to give it another look in the next few days...

  7. Next time, get a few of your tarantulas to escape and crawl all over the house. Or the scorpioness.

    1. No kidding. I know a couple people who will not walk into this house because of their fear of creepy-crawly things.

      I have to admit, ONE of the tarantulas and ALL of the baby scorpions sort of look like something out of a late Seventies/early Eighties sci-fi film. But mostly, the things just sit there and wait for crickets to hop up to them.

  8. I am sorry you had to deal with the Kuzins. I have people like that in my life. They try to cure me of being gay, except I am not. I used to argue with them, and hoped to convince them of my heterosexuality. Now, I derive too much pleasure from seeing them upset over who they think I have chosen to love and have sex with. They'll never understand it isn't a choice. Ever.

    1. Well, YOUR lifestyle is really misunderstood by nearly everyone. I mean, folks can get their heads around being straight, being gay, being something in between.

      But celibate? It can only mean you are very unhappy, right?

      I am convinced that other people think about my sexuality more than I do. I figured it out years ago and I've moved on. There is a ton of other things to do in life other than wonder about sex.

  9. It is possible that exorcism could have been an alternative method of expulsion, but I like yours better, especially your use of "spawn."

    1. Hi, Tara!

      They made a silent retreat out of our house, which sort of surprised me.

      They might have been scared of me, seeing as how they couldn't even quite figure out what species I belonged to...

  10. Your post was very entertaining ...and epic tale sort of theme was fantastic! Like Tara, I truly appreciate your use of the word spawn (it gives me a goal to aspire to now)!

    But just underneath feeling entertains, I'm actually furious! Who in the H311 do these people think they are? Coming into your home, accepting your hospitality and then when you are out, they think they'll try to break up your marriage. WTF!

    I'd bet money these folks sit around complaining about how "religious freedom" is on the decline in this country. (by which they mean they are no longer allowed to force their religion on others).

    Thanks for writing a great post out of it all, and for really truly, being a great sport about something so completely outrageous!


    Not really on topic, but somehow your post reminds me of this situation:

    1. Thanks, Michael! It's always meant to be entertaining. Once in a long while, I write one that is meant to preach a point, but those are sort of failures.

      I think both this post and the one you linked to show that for a melting pot, folks in this country have a whole lot of mutually exclusive ideas running around in their head. Which is fine, at least until they start trying to make their version of Reality the only version...

  11. Hmmm, looks like you didnt give them proper invite.
    Dont throw away shoes hereafter, make a garland of shoes and hang that in your front door, right before they step on your welcome mat with word welcome and "l" replaced with picture of middle finger, and serve them drinks in your restroom. Since you didnt do proper ritual they deserve, they figured out and had to teach your kids life and exorcise you both in your home.
    You could have pushed Kuzins into oven, baked them for an hour and then pulled them out and then froze them for another hour.And then chopped their head off , you homophage - them cupcakes.

    That is how feel whenever I am railroaded by my hubby's relatives like this. I have been called "IT" as well and flooded by the river of tears and how their sins and curse from past life had affected their son so (yeah, his marriage to me is the greatest sin of all) Thank god, I am far far far away from them, else that court ordered anger management, yep. :)

    Reminds me of one incident in hostel in India, one day a gal(she moved to city from remote village) told us bunch of friends that she saw some gays near bakery as if she had spotted some UFOs. I asked how did she know that they were gays and what is the reason to get excited about, then after a while I understood that she mistook couple of transvestites for gays and to her eunuchs are gays. And we had to educate her a little and after a year she wasnt a dick woman anymore. Thank god she didnt wasnt religious, else we would have been baptized with holy water and exorcised and forced to confess for our "sins".
    Hindu exorcism would involve nailing our hair to a tree and repeat beating with neem leaves pompoms by the shirtless prist and I think 7 days alone near the graveyard.

    The Kuzins crying happened with me too, they had his distant cousin standing next to him when I was in kitchen as well, "you are under this evil spell, this age you act stupid, parents are here for that purpose, you dont know what happiness is, we can set you straight, just take leave for two months, marry this girl, you will thanks us later".
    I was standing with green cream on my face and broom in hand and black maxi gown and a hat.

    From one "IT" to another "IT", these idiots from stupidville have to exorcise anything and everything "which" doesnt parrot their preachings. You should have thrown in this too " And for your info, I am a black jew too and I was dropped from krypton a mile away from superman and I sleep in coffins during day and my claws and wings can autoretreat"

    Rachel is sitting on goldmine of quotes looks like :)

    1. People DIE during exorcisms in some places. Not generally during the Catholic kind with projectile split pea soup and Linda Blair's head spinning around sort, but during Mon & Pop variations on them throughout the world.

      I read a story last week that about 50% of Americans believe in the existence of supernatural but literal demons.

      Anyway, apparently, my relationship with Dana is more confusing to some than I could have imagined. I'm not sure how it could be so confusing, but it is.

    2. Two words for the day - Hieronymus Bosch painting and Mon&Pop variations. Need to check those out. :)

      Split pea soup - thank you Katy, I am never having pea soup again in my life.

      I was looking for hindu exorcism link, will send one when I find appropriate and authentic one. They dont have head spinning but hair and head spinning like those rock and pop stars. Yeah, usually this is done only on women and the demons seem to possess only them if they walk alone. Usually the rape victims, victims of domestic abuse are the ones often branded as possessed by demon creatures.

      If the victims die it is because of their sins not because of the abuse. They shouldnt be put in mental facility and priest is the one who can "cure" them.

    3. Individuals who are different will generally either be worshiped or killed by the rest of the group.

      Goes for animals, too.

      Animals don't worship, but they will kill oddities amongst them.

      Albino alligators...

  12. I have Kuzins as well, and on a much lesser scale, mine try to cure me of my "unemployment," which is apparently also a sin, curable by a not-so-subtle McDonald's application left on the dining room table.

    Have you tried working at McDonald's? Perhaps that cures "lying with women" also?

    1. I think that some people think if they can diagnose OTHER people's problems, it somehow means that they're handling their own lives better.

      Everybody needs to feel better than somebody, even if it's only a lesbian or a self-employed writer.

  13. This is the perfect blog to show the arrogance of queers. Queers (yes the word is QUEER you stole the word GAY) love to act like everyone who doesn't accept them is a dumb hick. I will take up arms before I ever let the government force me to accept that gross shit as normal.

    1. Trolls are fun sometimes, so I'll leave a comment (can't promise on more than one though.)

      Your name is intriguing, "Normal America," because your post, of course, is un-American! You communicate contempt for the very principles expressed in our Declaration of Independence.

      You do of course have the right to express anti-American values, as you have done and I'll defend your right to that, but it doesn't prevent you from being held up and exposed as un-American.

      I do honestly wish that people like you would take the advice of others in your camp, "America, love it or leave it!" Democracy will function better when left to people who have some respect for it.

      Anyway, perhaps you ought to read the US Constitution, then you could stop worrying about whether the Government is going to "force you to accept..." The Government doesn't do that sort of thing. You can be legally compelled to refrain from infringing on someone else's constitutional rights and if you feel the need to take up arms, because the Government and society at large won't allow you to infringe on other people's constitutional rights, that is your choice, along with the consequences.

    2. Hi, Normal America. I ought to stop while I'm ahead and let Michael serve as my Official Spokesman, but I'm going to add a couple things anyway.

      I assume there are people out there - maybe a majority or maybe way less - who think about my relationship enough to disapprove of it. This was a little bit different because they came into my house to do it.

      I don't come into the Normal American household and try to tell them how to eat their bacon double heart attack burgers. Folks ought to grant me the same kind of respect.

      And if they don't, that's fine, too. But they will be leaving...

    3. I love it when people post anonymously. It shows their level of bravery, conviction, honour, and intelligence. It tells me they are saying

      "I've got something to say and it smells a little bit like horseshit, so I think I'll just call myself something benign, and tell them queers to go to hell, and then put in a website for a religious hate group. Hahaha, that'll show them homos who's boss."

      Anyhow, hi, I am an asshole, but I'm an asshole that loves this post.

    4. You know, though, Chris, I've been put in my place by more bathroom walls than I can count!

  14. oh how i could understand every fucking word in your post.

    you're so brilliant katy ... i'm so glad you write.

    i'm so sorry you live in texas.

    i'm so sorry people are killed for who they love.

    i'm so grateful you're here to make it a little easier to deal with.

    1. Thank you, Andrea!

      Things are getting better, even in Texas. I don't feel any need to explain myself anymore. People get it if they want to.

      Your blog, by the way, is fantastic in the way it shows how different wider issues affect your everyday life. I wish I could get that specific when it comes to everyday life.

      Thanks for stopping by!

  15. I would like to volunteer as mouthpiece or spokesperson for Normal America.

    It is our birth right and duty to mimic a virtual breakin into NORMAL AMERICAN'S home and knock their doors and ask them to ask for forgiveness and force them to convert and shove them with lot of pamphlets and guilt talk them about their belief and lifestyle and religion without shame and regret? We deserve the right to religion rape them.

    And we may live on their tax dollars, yet we deserve the right to advise the hardworking consenting adults and model parents the right and wrong and we have no boundaries and no decency to dictate morals to these gays.

    And yes "they are the dumb hicks" not us.

    Because gays are the menace to the society, the molesting pedophiles and racist killers and recent texas shooter who killed the teen gay couple - they are warriors and supermacists. These guerillas are NORMAL Americans and they uplift humanity and are the epitomes of wellmannered American life and morality.

    But these law abiding gays, they are plague to the society and to the universe.

    Now where is the donate button NORMAL AMERICAN? I would like to donate some dollars for those supremacists and warriors, yeah, I am affected by these gays and my life is ruined by these gays.

    1. if that was your attempt at sarcasm it shows how much the queers have brainwashed you. they have made everybody hand their kids over to the gay agenda!

    2. Hey, Normal. Have you ever read my post where I admit that there is a Gay Agenda?

      It's pretty scary.

  16. Normal America - you crack me up.

    Brainwash? Really? Like from what?
    What do you mean "Gay agenda"? Do they knock every door and advice and preach and offer them to cure people from "straight disease"? And offer to pray for those cursed souls infected with "straight disease?" after eating their meal?

    You dont like eggplant, dont eat eggplant. If your kids like eggplant, you cant restrict them from eating eggplant. You cant force all eggplants eaters to give it up just because you cant fathom the taste and liking.

    People say I was born a Hindu, I am not sure about that, I was born straight, that I am sure. What I think about gays or gay sex, or what they think about mine is nobody's business.

    As long as the gays dont rape me I have no right to meddle with their business.

    Can you ask your religion rapists to do the same thing? Just mind their business and leave people alone? Ask them to protect my kids from molesters and pedophiles and pastors instead of covering up the crap.

    Handing over kids to gay agenda or religion agenda? I pick the former even if it doesnt exist.

    1. I like to think that I am consciously responsible for being with Dana. My genes can suck it - I refuse to give them credit.

      I'd love to have folks around here who don't agree with me on ANYTHING. It can lead to all sorts of great conversations. The ones who just want to yell are less interesting but... he'll probably either get more substantive or else wander off for good...

    2. :)
      Trolls can sometimes give good entertainment with their height of stupidity. Need to balance right?
      Movie industry cant survive with Kubrick, Nolan tribe alone they need Adam Sandler tribe to balance it out.
      We shouldnt let their words upset us, easy to say but sometimes sharp words could upset us beyond our control.

    3. It's taken me a long time to figure out what to do with trolls - and I still don't manage to do it consistently - because I used to want to handle them like hecklers.

      You know, like hecklers at a comedy show? Where, if the comedian is skilled enough, he can turn it around to make the heckler look stupid.

      It's not like a heckler, though. With a heckler, there's this knowledge that all eyes are suddenly on you (if the comedian handles it right). Not so with the troll. Anonymity can carry him right on through...

      Ah well.

  17. Oh, Katy, how this post broke my heart! I’m so sorry you and Dana had to be on the receiving end of this sick, twisted thinking. How I wish I could say that I’ve never encountered any Kuzins in my personal life, but that would be entirely untrue. There have been far too many over the decades. Although the subject matter in my situation wasn’t the same, the purposely targeted soul-deep sting was just as sharp and will always remain.

    Such people are worse than simply negative and judgmental, they’re truly toxic…and yet, they always believe they’re fully justified in their mission to save, fix, or condemn others.

    You have such a wonderful gift for the written word, Katy. You somehow successfully managed to take your deeply heartbreaking incident and turn it into a skillfully written, entirely compelling read. Thanks for posting this! :)

    -- Susan

    1. Hi, Susan! I think part of it is that people like to feel better than someone. No matter how badly their lives are going, they can satisfy themselves that they are still better than those people over there.

      I never really compete with anyone.

      Hopefully, when Dana and I covert to Islam, go on welfare, and announce we are men trapped in women's bodies, the judging will stop!

  18. I like your choice of the word spawn but personally I prefer crotch fruit.

    1. Damn. I think I might prefer "crotch fruit" too.

      The best slap-down lines always come too late.


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