Thursday, June 14, 2012

Moondance Pie

Alright. C’mon. Let’s get started, shall we?

Take your seats, please. We are trying something new tonight. It is a first tonight for “Lesbians in My Soup.”

We’re experimenting with heterosexual men tonight. Specifically, with a fellow who goes by the name of Mooner Johnson. He is our GUEST. We are honored to have him!

Please give him your undivided attention. There will be a quiz at the end of the blog, and counselors will be available if you should feel you need to talk to one.

So with that, I give you our Guest Blogger, Mooner Johnson…

___________________________________________

So.  Whenever I pay a visit to a buddy blogger's place of business, like what I'm doing here, I don't ever know how to start things off.  You guys don't know me, I don't know you, so I have no credibility whatsoever.  Not that knowing me would grant credibilities, but as a full disclosure kind of guy I want you to always have everything you need to judge the truths and accuracies contained in my words.  I owe it to Katy to not fuck things up too badly. 

It's like with my good buddy BJ, who loaned his chain saw to a neighbor for a few hours' use.  Being a thoughtful and appreciative sort, the neighbor decided to perform some routine maintenance on BJ's chainsaw before returning the saw as a gift for its use.  He got on the INTERNET and found a volume of maintenance instructions posted by the saw's manufacturer with pictures and graphs, and even some videos for instruction.  Long story short, the nice neighbor totally fucked the chainsaw all the way up. 

Like BJ's neighbor, my native habit is to use my good intentions as tools of destruction.  I wrote some stories for this one buddy when he went to vacation last year, and The US Department of Defense shut his site down.  It wasn't my fault, mind you, but it was my doings.  So, your having a frame of reference through which to process what follows is vital.

Having said all of that, my name is Butcher Einstein “Mooner” Johnson, I'm an environmentalist who leans quite far to the left, I think Texas Governor Rick “The Pompadoured Prick” Perry is an asshole, and I am returning a favor to my beloved Katy wherein I will provide her with content for her website.  Katy's said favor was to produce a Public Service Announcement that she made for me when evil right-wing Christian conservative religious fuckballs spread rumors that I was having a big “open bar” party out to my place, and everyone was invited.

Everyone on the entire worldwide web.

Not that I don't like parties, it's just that I like to limit the percentages of evil right-wing Christian conservative religious fuckballs allowed entry out to my ranch.  I find that it takes but a small number of those assholes to reach critical mass and create circumstances under which I end up in jail.  Not that I mind jail all that much, but if I get jailed one more time before Halloween, my psycho therapist has promised to lock me up over to the Loony Bin and forget me.

I hate that fucking Loony Bin.

Every party I throw begins its guest list with at least one evil right-wing Christian conservative fuckball attending on a pre-confirmed RSVP.  That reservation would be made in the name of Mother Johnson, my mother, and mother likewise to my lesbian sister, Sister.  Which brings up a point.  Mother is my mother, Sister my sister, my grandmother is Gram, my father was Daddy and his father was Granddad.

Whythefuck am I Mooner?  I mean other than the fact that I'll drop my pants to my ankles and show you my ass for no apparent reason.  Then again, Brother would be a name that I wouldn't like and Sonny simply doesn't fit.  I'm many things, but I'm not your fucking Sonny.

Did I tell you I have a serious case of the dreaded ADHD and that fuck is my favorite word?  That little fact is likely the second thing I should have told you up there when I started.  I should have said, “My name is Mooner Johnson and I have the ADHD and blah, blah, and blah.” 

You could buy my silly fucking book, Full Rising Mooner, to get a full low-down on my world, or you could go over to my bloggie site and get confused for free.  The linkster stuff for the book is on the Bloggie Roller dealie.  I don't really give a shit either way because this isn't about me.  This is about social justice. 

Or is it about social injustice?  See what I mean about perspectives?

Probably not Mooner's house.
But how Katy pictures Mooner's house.
Since I've already introduced you to Mother and Sister, I'll use those two of the many strong women in my family to demonstrate my points.  When my sister exited my mother's womb, she came out feet first and shopping for Birkenstocks.  Sister was born lesbian and never had a closet to shed.  She was accepted as such by our entire family, including Mother, and she grew into a highly productive adult—even a model citizen.

Me, while I was always ready to defend her against any attackers, it was usually Sister who came to my defense.  Now, Sister is married to my third ex-wife, Anna the Amazon.  At six foot one, Anna is but three inches my junior and I'm stopping myself from telling you all sorts of stuff that you don't need to hear about my brief marriage to the blond goddess.  Let me summarize for you by saying that my sister is a typical American woman in every way except that her chosen life mate is another, mostly typical, woman.  I love them both and admire them as well.

My mother is likewise a typical American woman in every way, just so long as you like your typicals to be prejudiced, bigoted, and filled with the dogmatic religious idiocy of the Southern Baptist Convention.  I'm certain that my mother loves both my sister and me, but I'm just as certain that she doesn't like or approve of us. 

The certainty of her love is assumed.  Knowing that she dislikes and disapproves of us is rock-solid first-hand knowledge.

“I don't know what I have done to deserve having such an ungrateful heathen for a son and a homo-sex-u-al for a daughter.  God must think I've the shoulders of Atlas,” was Mother's martyred lament at breakfast a couple hours ago.  She always says the word homosexual like that, as if she's saying the word around a mouthful of dog shit.

Sister and Anna were out to the ranch this morning because today is “Pig Day” in my kitchen.  Every meal will feature fresh pork products carved from the carcass of a hog named Sweet Willie who was raised on a neighbor's farm.  As I am a terrific cooker of all things pork, Pig Day draws a crowd.  If I was to actually have a party this weekend, I would serve pig meat.

“What you have done to deserve us, dear Mother, is you've grown to become a bigoted, close-minded asshole who has forgotten how to think for herself,” I answered.  “You've gone from being a loving, gracious woman and turned into something unpleasant.  You and your Tea Bagger buddies have steeped your brew too long.  You're a bitter old bag with no love in your heart, and I think a major disappointment to Jesus.  You want some more bacon?  Smoked pig face?”

Smoked pig face is my favorite part of freshly cooked fresh hog.  I love the crunchy skin and ears and snout.  Most people turn all squeamish and shit just hearing about it.  And before you start on me about disrespecting my mother, stop.  Our current relationship is the result of decades of me bashing my head on the good son wall.  My mother is mean and vindictive and self centered.  And she lives in my home and eats my food, and she shits all over me and the people/things I love.  It has been only in the last month that I have allowed abrasiveness to enter my side of our relationship.  And I must tell you that it feels really fucking good!

OK, wait.  Maybe it feels really fucking well.  Hell, it feels good and well too.

“Answer me this, dear Mother, if you will.  If you Tea Baggers are all about small government and staying out of peoples' lives, why do you keep attacking homosexual people on every front?”

A germane question in these prickly times for American politics if I do say so myself.

“What part of 'God hates homosexuals' is so very difficult for you to understand, Mooner?  Are you so heretical a heathen that you deny God's word?”  Mother asked.

Now here my mother had set a trap for me and stepped into it her very ownself.  God has been making routine visits to see me and to tell me shit. “Well, Mommy Dearest, God came to visit me out to the dock just a few days ago and the Big Guy/Girl/Thing told me that you are full of shit.  His precise words were, 'Those silly assholes are full of shit.  Some of the best among you are homosexual.'  Then God and I discussed some of those gay people, like Lloyd and Katy and John Travolta.”

And don't you Katy readers even start on me about Johnny T.  That dog's done shed its hair.

“John Travolta is not a homo-sex-u-al, dummy, he's married and has a pilot's license and all of those big jet airplanes.”  My mother has interesting logic—the same logic used in many cases by right-wing bigots nationwide.

“But he is a devil worshiper, so you might have a point,” Mother added.  “Anybody who believes that some guy from outer space is God is a coo-coo if you ask me.”

Exactly.

“Well, Mother, my God is better than your God.  My Big He/She/It is loving and inclusive and only wishes that we earthlings learn to appreciate and care about one and another.  Your God is, in all truth and actuality, a narrow minded, bigoted asshole.”

Have you ever been around a narrow minded and bigoted fine Christian lady when somebody calls their God a narrow minded, bigoted asshole?

Anyway, I had a point when I started this but I don't even know what it was.  That's one of the frustrating things about the ADHD, you know, getting off track and then tracking off into the wilderness.  Oh, did I tell you about the three-way sex dream I had with Hilary Clinton and the Governor of New Mexico?  I love sex dreams.  I've met some incredible women in my dreams.

OK, I just hit 1,750 words and I haven't said squat.  So let me give you something to think about.  Whenever God comes to see me, we drink a few icy-cold Carta Blanca beers and shoot the shit awhile.  He calls me “Dude” sometimes, and sometimes He lets me ask Him questions.  I asked God this one question on his last visit, but he would neither confirm nor deny the veracity of my hypothesis. 

Here's what I presented to God.  I think that the Pope is Queen Elizabeth's maternal twin and they were separated at birth.  What do you think? 

Manana, y'all.
__________________________________________

QUIZ:

1. If Mooner’s sister, Sister, were to have a daughter, what would that daughter’s name be?

2. What was the symbolic significance of John Travolta in this blog post?

3. How would you describe the level of vulgar language in this blog post?
            a. Too much
            b. Too little
            c. Just about right
            d. What was vulgar about it?

4. What effect has reading this blog had on your likeliness to buy Mooner’s book?
            a. More likely to buy
            b. Less likely to buy
            c. No difference
            d. Been hearing good things about Finnegans Wake

56 comments:

  1. 1. daughter
    2. he is the devil (and a douche, but I just interjected my own thoughts on the douche part)
    3. what was vulgar about it?
    4. have already bought and read and owe Mooner a review.
    *******************************
    Now me, Katy - I just wanted you to know that as I should have done a couple of months back, I finally added my "bloggie roller dealie" last night. Because you rock.

    Mooner...I am happy to see that you passed your normal 1500 count - perhaps it is because you were guesting. And you owe me a guest post too.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hi, Melanie!

    I will hold back on grading your answers until others have turned in their papers...

    Thanks for the blog roll add! People get nervous about adding my page, because 3rd parties often end up thinking (because of the name) that this is either porn or an activist site.

    I don't think it's either... or maybe both. But definitely not just one of those.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I like your page and that's all that matters to me! Can't wait to see how I did!

      Delete
    2. Mel. As it appears that I've ruined Katy's site, you should rethink that guest hosting dealie.

      Katy. I'll take the test later so as to not influence anyone else.

      Delete
    3. Mooner, I have featured you so many times that I don't think my readers will be going anywhere.

      Delete
  3. Katy, you're a brave woman to hand your site over to Mooner Einstein Johnson's ass without a censor standing by to keep the Homeland Security folks from stepping in and shutting you down. Mooner's guest blogs are much tamer than his own, and yet he still has the ability to draw more attention than a toxic waste spill at a daycare center.

    There's a quiz? Shit, I once flunked a urine test because I didn't study the night before, so I'm going to pass on this pop quiz. I will say that I didn't find Mooner's post to be too vulgar, although it was probably a lot raunchier than your normal fare here.

    Should be interesting to see if any of your regular followers "un-friend" your site now. One of my buddy's charms is his ability to piss off prudish types, big time.

    And just in keeping with the spirit of Mooner's post: Fuck Rick Perry.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I told him "No holds barred."

      The way i see it, if folks aren't made of tough enough stuff to last 15 minutes in the ring with Mooner, they're too fragile for this world. It's survival of the weirdest. Unnatural selection.

      Delete
  4. That was one highbrow article beyond my comprehension skills. Pretty strong and funny as well. Mooner seems to be man of eloquence and brilliance.
    1. If Mooner’s sister, Sister, were to have a daughter, what would that daughter’s name be? -
    I would say sisterdaughter. See, we know people with names Johnson, whose dad would be Mr.John. Or maybe Monner would name her Niece and Sister would name her as daughter and I would name her "cute girl" and once she is 13 we will rename as "teenager".

    2. What was the symbolic significance of John Travolta in this blog post?
    Someone is obsessed with either massage or unemployed and thinking about becoming a masseur - come one 12k? Who wouldnt?

    3. How would you describe the level of vulgar language in this blog post?
    c. Just about right

    4. What effect has reading this blog had on your likeliness to buy Mooner’s book? c. No difference

    When do I get my results of the quiz?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Base don the other comments, I have to assume comprehension of this article is made easier if you try while under the influence of chemicals.

      Maybe someone can run an experiment to see which ones work the best.

      Delete
    2. MMTC. Are you married?

      Katy. For best reading results, ingest four each icy-cold Carta Blanca beers, three each mushroom buttons and one healthy lungful of any locally grown, organic weed. (one each half-tongue lick of sweaty toad may be substituted for mushrooms; there is no substitute for Carta Blanca beer)

      Delete
    3. I am married but why do you ask?

      But the second chemical or the "comprehend potion" you suggest, oooo too much for me, I am a alcohol virgin , pot virgin as well. Did I pass the quiz, when do I get my scores?

      Delete
    4. MMTC. I ask because you seem to my type.

      Delete
    5. Be careful, M+MTC. By his "type", I think he just means female.

      If Texas had alimony, he'd be dead broke...

      Delete
    6. @Mooner
      Thank you. Where is that blushing smiley? ;-)
      I would like to say I am your fan Mooner and I am flattered by your compliment, but if one guest post of yours could bring a site now, I may be deported if you say I am your type one more time or express my mutual admiration :)

      @Katy
      hahahaha. He is one smart chap isnt he? I can bet that no lady was disappointed :)

      Delete
    7. M+MTC: Yup. What's not love?

      Delete
  5. you rock! but you already know that.. And I read this when i was high.. oh my dog.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I assume that everyone who ever comes to this page is high. That might say more about me than it does the folks who come to this page... Or maybe the high ones are just the ones who manage to type out comments...

      Delete
  6. the sneering (homo-phobic) snobJune 15, 2012 at 2:56 PM

    John Travolta has always been rampagingly heterosexual, to accuse him of being a pansy queer bastard (even in jest) is totally unacceptable.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. In jest?

      I took the statement literally.

      I mean, have you SEEN "Saturday Night Fever"?

      Delete
    2. TS(H-P)S. OK, first, why would you even question God's words? I didn't say Johnny T. is gay, that was God. Not that I can find any evidence to prove God wrong. As for the "pansy queer" part, see first Katy's remark thereon, and second, think "Rock Hudson".

      Delete
    3. Hahaha... Exactly. Think of an actor. Any actor. Now think, "Is this actor more manly than Rock Hudson?"

      Now... Is your actor gay?

      Delete
  7. the sneering (homo-phobic) snobJune 15, 2012 at 3:01 PM

    But Katy, how does that relate to my rage with regards to John Travolta's sexual orietation being brought into question ?.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. See, now all of this Travolta-talk has made me start thinking about "look Who's Talking 2"...

      2!

      (and also Mr. Bungle's first album...)

      Delete
  8. Katy, i get the feeling that theres a real magic between you and "The Hamster", a magic that doesn`t seem to exist in the interactions that you have with your other contributors on this site, i think maybe you`re in love with "The Hamster" (and vice versa), i think you should finally admit that Katy Anders and Jervaise Brooke Hamster were destined to always be together, its kismet ! ! !, would you agree Katy ?.

    ReplyDelete
  9. I'm sorry.

    That one line was what got me.

    "My God is better than your God."

    That made me rewrite the jingle in my mind, and it will be there forever, thanks to Mooner Johnson, to whom I now owe a Writing Debt:

    My God is better than your God.

    My God is better than yours.

    My God is better, 'cause he eats God-Chow.

    My God is better than yours....


    The End.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Space Traveler. Actually, God told me that his favorite foods are anything Mexican, all puddings, French pastries and pork. He and I share the love of pork and puddings.

      I think He will like your song. Second verse?

      Delete
    2. If his favorite food wasn't Mexican food, then he would not be perfect, and therefore, by definition, not God.

      Delete
  10. Katy,
    This "Mooner" guy is WAAAAAAAY on out there, huh? Seriously, though, Mooner .... I AM invited to yer party .... right?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Damn it!

      It's like people don't believe OFFICIAL GOVERNMENT DENIALS anymore...

      Delete
  11. Katy, you might want to warn your readers that if Mooner visits them he will (among his many other charms...) pee in their sinks, make derogatory comments about the temperature of the room, laugh at the home's gravity issues if the doors won't stay open or closed without doorstops, and insist that you tune your television's sports channels to any athletic event involving the Texas Longhorns. But, on the other hand, he'll bring his own beer. Gotta love a guy who brings his own cooler to your party...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Enough beer, and I can let a good number of those things slide...

      Delete
  12. Katy, you weren`t asked whether or not this page had become "sci-fi/fantasy" when you weren`t looking, you were instead asked (with incredible and quite magical courteousness and respectfulness i might add) whether or not you were "in love" with Jervaise Brooke Hamster ?, i`d like a reply please !.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It appears that you are asking for serious answers to questions that are not serious.

      If it's a joke, then I'll merely say that I don't get it.

      Delete
  13. 1 - Niece
    2 - wolf in sheep's clothing...na he's just a douche
    3 - just about right...more colourful the better
    4 - certainly going to check out his blog...just for the 'My god is better than your god' line...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. So far, the reactions to Mooner's blog are teaching me that i need to cuss a whole lot more than I do.

      Delete
    2. G. I'mma check yours as well. But what about QEII and the Pope?

      When is someone going to answer my fucking question?

      Delete
    3. Mooner, there is clearly a big difference between the queen and the pope.

      One fills a now largely symbolic role of a bygone era and likes pomp, circumstance, and long, flowing dresses. The other one is married to a guy named Philip.

      Delete
  14. I like this. A lot.

    A) Sister Jr the Third
    B) John Travolta represents mankind's struggle with technology and its attempts to regain its own humanity after being consumed by the machine. Also, he likes feeling up dudes in massage parlors while praying to space aliens.
    C) Not enough?
    D) I'm a big fan of anything not written by Stephenie Meyer, so yes.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sister Jr. the Third.

      I like that.

      Next time I get a new tarantula, I might steal that name from you.

      Delete
  15. Katy, i want to perform the Kama Sutra on you, cover to cover ! ! !.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. E. Jack. The line forms at the rear, big boy. As your name implies, Yu late.

      Delete
  16. Did I completely miss some kind of clever joke, or did I just read: "my sister is now shacked up with my third-ex wife"? WHY is nobody talking about that? WHY WHY WHY are we not talking about that?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Icy. You might have missed a clever joke, but you missed the quote for certain. While Sister and Anna have been cohabishackers in the past, those two adorables are lawfully wed (in the eyes of a few states).

      Sadly, the Christian Sharia Law practiced by America's right is an exclusive club.

      Having said that, what would you like to say on this subject?

      Delete
    2. The best lines ALWAYS get missed.

      Every time I write a line that has me rolling (which is a lot, because I'm hilarious!), no one ends up finding it.

      It comes from hiding it in the middle, I think. Mooner did the same thing here...

      Delete
  17. I wish i hadn`t helped to save those limey bastards back in 1918, i`m still so ashamed of that.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If England had gone down in WW1, there would have been no Beatles, Stones, Black Sabbath, or Floyd!

      Delete
  18. huh. i like people who call their own mothers 'assholes'. makes me feel less alone.

    good job, mooner ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Mooner makes me feel conservative and suburban and well-adjusted.

      Delete
  19. Yes Katy, but that would`ve been a "MAJOR PLUS" for the world. Pop and rock music is an abomination Katy, and i`m so glad and relieved that i avoided it by being born into the 19th century instead of the 20th.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Why do Lesbians hate men?Just curious..a sperm brought you here,right?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi, Anonymous!

      A sperm brought you here, too, right? So I'll ask you the same question!

      There are some man-hating lesbians. I don't understand, entirely. I don't hate men. I just don't want to have sex with them.

      Delete

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