“And the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized that they were naked. So they sewed fig leaves together to make clothes for themselves.” – Genesis 3:7
“God said, ‘Who told thee that thou wast naked?’” – Genesis 3:11
Is the little church dilapidated because the congregants can’t tell it’s dilapidated? Or is the little church dilapidated because there is just no way to work outdoors under the Houston summer sun while naked?
I was pondering this while we were walking up. Dana and the kids and I, walking up. And to tell you the truth – the God’s honest truth – I still don’t know the answer as I sit here writing to you about it today. But Missus O’Malley, she read from her index card that the learning of answers is not always what it is all about. That many times, it is all about the un-learning.
And that is one of the things I learned at the Church of Adam and of Eve Redux.
By now, I am sure you have heard about Dana’s religious kick. About her quest for meaning outside of law books. Her search for a God who does not hate her. And Dana is a Catholic, but we have still been going around checking out the competition, as they say.
So it has been a strange couple of months. And it got even stranger when Missus O’Malley greeted us at the door of the dilapidated little Church of Adam and of Eve Redux. Missus O’Malley, you see, was about five-foot-two. She was about two hundred pounds. And she was blonde and she was smiling and she was naked. Probably still is to this day.
She had bulbous nipples that always looked downward. She sort of drooled a little wherever she went. I did not think much of that until later, the nakedness being what caught the attention, walking in.
Out back of the church, there were apple trees. Date palms. Common fig trees. Full to the bursting with fruit. You could tell no one had so much as laid a finger on them. Branches hanging low, apples rotting right there before your eyes.
And inside, outside, lolling all around. Everywhere, congregants. Smiling. Drooling. Naked as jaybirds. Pieces of them a’hanging down like the fruit on those trees out back.
And according to them, all PERFECT in God’s eyes.
“In the Garden of Eden,”Missus O’Malley read from the index card, starting to explain, only it sounded like she said “In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida” because Missus O’Malley slurred her words a lot because all of the congregants slurred their words a lot.
But Missus O’Malley read, “In the Garden of Eden.”
She read, “We don’t know much about that tree!”
She read, “But we do know what eating that fruit did. Eating that fruit made them see that they were naked. Eating that fruit made God angry!”
Then she tapped at her forehead, at the surgical scar. She smiled. She winked at us. At Dana and the kids and at me.
You see, Missus O’Malley could just barely manage to read that card she held in her hand. But Missus O’Malley could not tell you what “naked” meant. Not even a clue.
Not since the baptismal surgery.
Because ever since the baptismal surgery, it’s like the Fall never happened at all! Not to smilin’ Missus O’Malley.
(And the drool came falling down…)
And Doctor Banjeer explained. As well as he still could explain, anyway, Doctor Banjeer not being a licensed medical doctor anymore. Not since his own baptismal surgery, I mean. Since the surgery, Doctor Banjeer might have been more pleasing to God, but he was less of a doctor, and he had to read words off of cards that he had written to himself long before.
Doctor Banjeer pointed at his scar. His scar looked like Missus O’Malley’s scar, which looked like the scar of everybody else who was lolling around drooling around in that little dilapidated Church of Adam and of Eve Redux.
“It’s not a lobotomy!” Doctor Banjeer read off his card.
“It is an extremely targeted and precise operation,” he read.
He read, “It targets only the part of the brain that would recognize…”
Then he flipped the card over…. “when the self is naked.”
Doctor Banjeer did not know what “naked” meant, either.
While he sat there before us, reading his index cards to us, our girls, Rachel and Angela, they looked sort of grossed out. I thought it might be the drool grossing them out, but I now think it was probably the balls.
The thing is, if Doctor “Lefty” Banjeer had covered his balls, he’d have been kicked out of the church right then and there. Because at the Church of Adam and of Eve Redux, there’s no greater sin than the sin of covering your bits and your pieces.
Thinking to cover bits and pieces was the sin that started all sin, as the folks at the Church of Adam and of Eve Redux say. Or it is, more precisely, what their index cards say.
And the naked church choir can’t sing on key. The naked church treasurer can’t count up the weekly collection plate. And there’s no need for Jesus if there never was a Fall.
And that, my friend, is some more of the things I learned at the Church of Adam and of Eve Redux.
“They are starting over! They are starting fresh!” Dana insisted later on, insisted when we were safely back out in the sinful, fallen world. “They’re giving themselves a second bite at the apple – and they’re NOT taking it!”
“They. Are. Drilling. Out. Their. Frontal. Lobes!” I yelled back. While I yelled this, I tapped at my forehead, at the place where my own baptismal surgical scar would be, were I to keep going back to the Church of Adam and of Eve Redux.
And then there are the kids. Rachel and Angela, at least, because Mascis is still too young to remember, thank God. And the kids, well, the kids might just be scarred for life. Scarred mentally for life from what they have seen, I mean. Not scarred like Missus O’Malley or scarred like Doctor Banjeer was scarred.
“Kay-Kay, do we have to go back to that place?” Angela asked me, to which I replied a resounding, “No!”
Talking loud, so Dana could hear me, I said, “We never have to go back to that place. Because you and I, we have FREE WILL!”
I said, “You and I, we are going to sit here and we are going to eat some fruit. Because-s-s-se it is-s-s-s good for us-s-s-s-s!”
I said, “Now go put some clothes on, Angela. You’re going to catch a death of cold.”
.....and the serpent said.....ReplyDelete
Hey. It's all good. We're better off for clothing.
According to the Good Book, an angel with a flaming sword guards the place now; since Adam and Eve were originally put there to 'tend' it, I imagine Eden's pretty overgrown.
Maybe that angel's havin' a hard time keeping it from the folks at Google Maps, too. Who knows what the street view is like?
But hey. My mind works like that....
You know, if Dick Cheney could convince Google Maps to hide the Veep mansion, surely an angel could convince them to hide Eden.Delete
The problem, of course, wouldn't be someone funding Eden. The problem would be that if civilization set up shop anywhere close to it after the Fall, it's probably a desert now. There's no area that civilization has blessed that hasn't eventually lost all of its topsoil and become a desert, is there?
Could be just the angel and a dried-up Twig of Knowledge by now...
World's first porn starred Adam and Eve and when they started to question and realise the god kicked them out from his mansion. :)ReplyDelete
"Checking out the competition" - Funny, in Kerala, this is completely true. If getting converted to Catholicism could get you 15$ and a bag of rice, protestants would raise their rates to 16$ and rice and dozen eggs and Marthomites are the most aggressive group, anyone who isnt a marthomite is going to hell and they would target even hardcore catholics and ask them to join theirs.
They dont even believe in using medications either which makes it hard for me to converse with them. Again you can never win an argument with an idiot.
Usually I say people who throw "that isnt natural" argument excuse like woman shouldnt work, only man and woman should be married, and white doves shouldnt mingle with grey doves are whatever, I tell them to stop using medications, not wear braces , not to use ac or heater and sleep with their sister and mother just like animals and nature, the way nature intended and not live more than 30 years.
But these nitwits are like wireless mute buttons, I go on auto-mute and auto-escape mode and just scram away.
About hell, yesterday a street preacher was screaming aloud how we all would go to hell if we dont take the lord as our savior. The temperature had crossed above 100 and he looked like carrot that had been left long in the raw sun. He had to show all people, hell on earth, couldnt stop applauding his level of dedication and sacrifice to preaching or "brainwashing" whatever.
Forget 16$, bag of rice, this naked thing is pretty attractive and awesome and I can see and understand if people join this church. See gentleman's clubs and massage parlors are getting costly.
Remember in Germany or Denmark, they started to use topless woman with signboards to make people notice the sign boards, and expected that to curb traffic accidents.
Do they have Eves only church or Adams only church?
We have a few mid-sized denominations that have quirks like the Marthomites, too. Christian Scientists (name of the church, not a profession) won't always accept medical treatment. It has led to this odd situation where half of our big hard rock guys (lead singers of Metallica, Guns 'N Roses, Nirvana) came from Christian Science homes. Its crewed them up - they all talk about their parents showing them pictures of kids with twisted arms and serious injuries who they were just supposed to pray for...Delete
Most of these denominations do what the fictional denomination in this blog is said to do: Take one passage of the Bible and focus on it enough to build a sect.
People come in bizarre varieties!
What. The. Hell. I just. Wow. I try not to judge, really, but ummm. Really? There is no way you could have even embellished that even a little bit. Its kind of funny too because just today we were going fishing and while driving to the nearest state park, located in the middle of nowhere, we passed a couple of McChurches (you know what I am talking about..) and a couple that could pass for what you described here. My husband had some comments to make about them. He has long since renounced his Catholic upbringing, much to the dismay of his mother and father. Me on the other hand, my parents couldn't decide how to raise us, so it was choose for yourself peppered with some Catholic. Guess what I chose...?ReplyDelete
By the way, I loved this post, for it made me chuckle and gasp. Awesome.
Hi, Melanie! I'll admit it. This whole blog post was embellishment.Delete
The funny thing is, when I ran a Google search, there really IS a naked church somewhere or other, but it doesn't appear that they use Scripture to justify their nakedness. They're just nudists.
I live in Mega-Church Central - something like 6 of the biggest 10 churches in the country are in Houston, including the biggest 3. So when it comes to religious variety, nothing seems too strange to be true to me!
Well, now, I'm sure you could find a way around that. Crotchless clothes?ReplyDelete
Look at that. You haven't been reading about this sect for more than a few minutes and you are already trying to find loopholes.Delete
I always wanted a lobotomy, but it's very difficult to be approved for one. If you're telling me that all I have to do is join some naked church, I am signing up.ReplyDelete
I used to do odd jobs for a brain surgeon. I would try to engage him about what parts of the brain could be burned away to good effect.Delete
He always seemed a little nervous about these conversations.
I think I could manage, actually. Someday, maybe I'll try.
High-larious and you had me goin for a minute there, then I just fell into ridiculous laughter! I know the folks who would open up that church, pretty much to a tee, though sans lobotomy.ReplyDelete
I hope Dana finds what she's looking for without too much more of the crazies.
I am glad to hear that.Delete
It is almost impossible to write about religion and NOT make someone mad. I always try to sort of walk that impossible line.
I like crazies!
Just your luck to find some crazy cult that actually makes the Catholics look relatively rational and benign. But it is a very bad sign that Dana appears to be defending them!ReplyDelete
Dana has to play devil's advocate for a little while whenever I take a position.Delete
Also, I almost completely made this post up (some of the churches we've actually visited have been weirder, in my opinion). When she read this post, Dana was concerned that I was leaving the impression that we'd expose our kids to crazy naked perverts.
I don't think you made it up at all. But now you are backpedalling because you are getting nervous. And I don't blame you. After all, if these people are willing to drill holes into their own heads, what might they do to someone who appears to be mocking them? Why do you think no one else has ever dared to expose them to public scrutiny?Delete
And, if you think about it, there must be others behind this cult, the ones who are really running the show, who are not harmless, drooling, self-lobotomized semi-automatons.
And then there are, as you mention, possible repercussions from exposing your children to crazy naked self-mutilated perverts.
Finally, having personally met many members of the self-trepanation community I have heard enough about the Church of Adam and Eve Redux from enough independent sources over the years that I am quite sure that it really does exist.
There has been a LOT of self-mutilation in the Christian tradition over the years. I'm not nearly as familiar with other traditions, where I'm sure it exists, too.Delete
Officially, Christians weren't supposed to castrate themselves - the 3rd century theologian Origen isn't a saint in part because of his alleged self-castration, which was sort of seen as cheating, somehow...
The amount of castration, self-flagellation, starvation, and circumcision that people put themselves through for God would make trepanning a minor sideshow, haha...
There. I am happy with this reply. It leaves things ncie and ambiguous, so far as my blog's fiction/nonfiction ratio goes...
Plausible deniability is the best policy.Delete
I usually try and keep things ambiguous.Delete
Leaving folks wondering what's true and what's made up is part of the fun.
I can claim to be using fictional drugs and no one bats an eyelash one way or the other. And yet when I wander off into religion, I feel the need to cover my tracks.
I don't get that about some religions. God gave of free will but with a laundry list of restrictions. Why create such an intricate design if we can't fully use it? Here's a toy. You can look at it but not play with it.ReplyDelete
Drug guru Terrence McKenna once described the Garden of Eden as "history's first drug bust."Delete
I've always loved that.
Augustine and Aquinas would say we CAN use pretty much anything in the world, but just not put it to our own selfish ends.
Of course, Aquinas' philosophy was used by the Church in the 19th century to condemn freedom of speech, freedom of the press, freedom of conscience, democracy, "Americanism," etc.
I tend to want to play with toys. Especially if that toy is in my skull, between my ears!
Katy. OK, first, were the men circumsized and if not, did they have their sharp stainless steel lobotomy rods stuck in their pierced foreskins? Did the women use theirs as knitting needles, pairing off to share and have twins to knit one and purl two.ReplyDelete
Did any of them have plugs in their foreheads for rod reinsertions to adjust undamaged pre-frontal tissue?
If so, I know this church. I wonder if they suffer from sharing needles. Houston is a very weird place.
And while we're no the subject of self-mutilation... circumcision! Those are all excellent questions, and I am sure there are perfectly good answers to all of them. I suppose you'd have to keep the trepanation tools handy, wouldn't you? Just in case a bad thought started creeping in?Delete
Did you know that St. Paul - even though he held that circumcision was NOT necessary for Christians, was voluntarily circumcised as an adult by his assistant, Timothy?
Katy. I heard he used his teeth.Delete
Hi, Mooner. If you read up on how Jewish circumcision would have been done in Paul's day (particularly the collection of blood from the operation), you'll see your comment isn't as out there as it might appear.Delete
And I'll leave it at that...
KATY...! ? ! ?.ReplyDelete
Katy, perhaps you didn`t understand, you`ve gone specifically against my wishes again by talking about religion on this site, why do you insist on defying me ?, you know how angry it makes me.ReplyDelete
It seems that I excel in making readers angry these days. Alienating people has always been sort of a specialty of mine. But I write about what's been in my head in the days before writing.Delete
You make fun of religion but live a sinful life.ReplyDelete
God will not be mocked.
I wish you would turn your life over to Jesus.
God's a big boy and loves my sense of humor.Delete
Katy. God just paid me another visit and He and She and It have asked me to tell you to tell Normmie to get a grip and grow a thinking brain. When God visited this time, He entered my frame of reference as one of Michaelangelo's depictions and left only after morphing into Jane Fonda as Barbarella.Delete
And sometimes God wears a smock. And sometimes I'm snockered when God shows. This one time I asked It--God was visaged as this giant spider sort of dealie with blond head hair in a pixie cut, long purple hair hanging in locks from all eight arm pits, and fully-shod in Jimmy Choo shoes--if it was OK to poke fun at religious shit.
God said, "No problem, dude. Spirituality is in your actions--not your words. Long as you live and let-live, we'll be the best of buds."
Deep breaths, Norrmie, deep, deep breaths.
I'm thinking that's probably right, Mooner.Delete
Just in case, though, I've painted "Katy is in the house next door" on my roof.
hey Katy, Normal America here wants you to turn your life over to Jesus. While you're up, see if He's willing to come on back down for another visit, 'cause some of his modern disciples are anything but Christ-like here in our neighborhood.ReplyDelete
Jesus... (sorry... that slipped out)
Okay, when I first tuned in and started to pick up on this story's nature I thought I was reading one of my adult daughter's short stories. See, she likes to write these things that make people laugh while simultaneously creeping them out a little. Makes her tiddly wink, I believe. Anyway, this could easily pass for one of her tales of mystery and intrigue.
Best-est post I've read anywhere in daze...
I should spend more time over here. You're a sick and twisted individual, too, and I admire that in a person.
Spend more time here!Delete
I used to do a blog somewhere else, and I'd purposely write posts where I said I did AWFUL things just to see how far I could push it before readers called me on my bad behavior.
They almost NEVER did.
Making people uncomfortable is fun.
You know what Rev. Phelps and the Westboro Bunch say?ReplyDelete
"Dog hates flags"
I think that's what their signs say, but I could be wrong. Between my dyslexia and my myopia I often get confused. Which explains my college algebra grades.
But like you've already read, God will not be smocked.
Haha! I've been falling asleep in front of the tv a lot lately, and I tend to wake up in the morning having misunderstood news headlines during my sleep. Apparently my brain can't correct a misheard "God hates fags" in my sleep, so I'll wake up thinking, "Did they say 'Dog hates flags'?"Delete
My knowledge of news - mostly heard during sleep, therefore resembles a late James Joyce novel these days.
Katy, the last person you want to alienate is me, remember Katy i am "THE TRUTH" and "THE WAY", my contempt for religion in all its forms is total and all-encompassing. You`re not the only internet blogger who has consistently offended me in this way Katy, there are lots of other deluded individuals out there who wont listen to me either. From now on Katy i want to walk around all day long saying out loud: "RICHARD DAWKINS IS THE TRUTH AND THE WAY", "RICHARD DAWKINS IS THE TRUTH AND THE WAY", "RICHARD DAWKINS IS THE TRUTH AND THE WAY", over and over again Katy until all that religious nonsense is finally eradicated from your mind, you must heed "THE TRUTH" Katy and "THE TRUTH" is quite simply ME ! ! !.ReplyDelete
Maybe it's THE LIGHT part that convinced billions.Delete
You need to say you're the way, the truth, and the light.
The way and the truth, well, most folks can take or leave that, but everybody likes a good light.
Katy, you know that site called "washed-up celebrities", go over there and call up the section on "Jeffrey Jones", then scroll down and read the last 7 comments on the comments section, they must have been written by one of THE most truthful and brilliant genius's who has ever lived. Actually Katy another way that you could look at it would be that they were written by someone who represents the exact polar opposite of the lies and hypocrisy of that hateful and spiteful abomination known as "the media", that kind of truthfullness has to be admired Katy i think you`ll agree ! ! !.ReplyDelete
So much wisdom, hidden away in anonymous comments in obscure corners of the internet.Delete
Someday, when the aliens come and excavate earth, I hope they look to humanity's anonymous internet comments to find out about our culture.
Yes Katy, but did you read the comments and then just dismiss them or did you absorb all that 'wisdom' and learn from it ?, i just hope it was the latter !.ReplyDelete
No much sticks these days.Delete
Katy, you are a smart-ass, i accept that, but that still doesn`t mean that you shouldn`t worship me and all my infinitely superior knowledge ! ! !.ReplyDelete
Conversely, you oughta know (with all of our superior knowledge and such) that merely because I am a smart ass, it does not mean you are not worshiped.Delete
Then perhaps you should read them again Katy, they are very educational with regards to what the future is going to be like.ReplyDelete
I think I'd rather be surprised.Delete
I think what Katy's trying to say (and far be it for me to put words in anyone's mouth...) is that it would easier to take you seriously if you signed your name to your comments, or at least left a trail back to your own nest.Delete
Pointing out "educational" sites on the internet while hunkering down behind "anonymous" makes it difficult to give a shit about whatever it is you're pointing toward.
JMHO, that's all...
Thanks little darlin`, i really appreciate that.ReplyDelete
I had a friend once who we called Selfish Gene.Delete
I kinda like the idea of starting over although I dont imagine they worry much about things like bare butts sitting on the pews.ReplyDelete
I'd love to be able to reboot my brain.Delete
...albeit with some definite rules, so I could avoid a few obvious mistakes...
...rules which, unfortunately, I wouldn't trust the old me enough to take to heart.
A little bit cheeky Katy but just about acceptable (especially considering how easily offended i am ! ! !).ReplyDelete
Katy, i like to be surprised with regards to the weather, but when it comes to the future i like to know exactly where society is going ! ! !.ReplyDelete
Squatlo, unfortunately i have to cower down behind anonymous com-girl-ts because we all live in a society that prefers lies and hypocrisy over the truth, and hatred and violence over love and sex (a society that is essentially the exact polar-opposite of the way that it should be ! ! !). I am an Asperger Syndrome sufferer and we always go straight for the "truth jugular" (as it were), we are not interested in the lies and hypocrisy of Hollywood and the media, thats why we`re so unpopular, because we represent the few beacons of truth in a truly vicious and hideous hell-on-earth.ReplyDelete