Tuesday, January 8, 2013

I Have a Date!


I have a date on Friday night. An actual date with a real, live, breathing human being who probably ought to know better.

This Friday, I have my first first date in nearly nine years.

I should end this blog post right here, you know? I am not going to be able to top that intro.


On the day I asked a girl out on a date, I was sitting in a restaurant a few blocks away from where I am staying. I was sitting in a restaurant with a man named Harry, who is another odd jobs guy from the firm where I work. We were surveilling.


The subject of our surveillance was the husband of one of our firm’s clients, and he was sitting two booths to our left with a woman who was not his wife. Or is not his wife, I suppose: It has only been two days and I doubt anything much has changed there.

I was halfway through the biggest buffalo burger ever cooked. Half of the noble bison in the American heartland had given their lives for this meal. I also had a chicken Caesar salad, a double order of fries, a plate of calamari, and half a chocolate mousse cake. My thinking was that since I could charge the meal to the firm, hell, I oughta make the most of it and eat for the whole week.

But I’d eaten so much that it was going to be difficult to drink enough on top of it to get drunk. I was trying.

The real problem, though, was with the booth directly behind me. It sounded like a bunch of old college buddies catching up on each other’s lives, and there was one loud, helium-voiced girl in particular who made me wince every time she opened her mouth.

As everyone in the restaurant knew soon enough, Helium-Voiced Girl is an archeologist, working for a company that digs a lot of holes in the ground in foreign countries, and it seems whenever they dig something interesting up out of the ground, they fly her in to determine whether it was worth stealing. 

Every time she screeched “KBR” or “archeologist,”  Harry and I would take another swig from our beers.  This went on for some time. Longer than you would expect. Harry and I, we had pretty much forgotten all about the husband of our client two booths down.

Upon hearing the squeal of “Ka-a-a-a-ay Be-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e Ar-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r!”  for the ten thousandth time, I swung around in my seat to get a look at the perpetrator… and made direct eye contact with the most perfect creature ever to annoy the shit out of me.

There exist those exceedingly rare human beings who appear as though they should not exist at all. You know what I am talking about. Unreal. Surreal, even. Like some sort of mythical beast of the imagination with parts made up from other mythical beasts and sucking all of the energy from the rest of the room whenever they walk in.

That was Helium-Voiced Girl, and she was at that moment meeting my angry glare with a sarcastic shrug.

She said this at me: “You have something to say, cunt?”  She looked perfect saying it, though.

I said this: “Hell yes, I do.”  Then I staggered and swayed up out of my seat. Harry voiced quiet opposition to my decision to confront her.

I was wearing a t-shirt that read, “I’m Queer. How Are You?”

I tried to slide smoothly into the booth where Helium-Voiced Girl and her friends were seated, but something went terribly awry and I ended up (temporarily) on the floor.

Undaunted, I said, “You realize you are basically one of the bad guys from the Indiana Jones movies, right?”

Over the next hour and a half, Helium-Voiced Girl and I debated the morality of her employment in increasingly intricate and insulting ways.

Her friends left. Harry left. Eventually, even the husband of our client and his girlfriend left. And after an hour and a half of insults and yelling, I wrapped up my argument with this:

“My name is Katy Anders. I am telling you this because someday soon, your bosses are going to ask you to steal the Ark of the Covenant. And there’s going to be that moment between when you pop the top on it and when your face sloughs right off from the rest of your head when I want you to be able to say out loud, ‘Oh my God, Katy Anders was right!’”

Now this was one of the five or six best lines I have ever uttered. You cannot plan to say a line like this, and you’d mess it up if you tried. A line like this just happens.

So before my momentum was lost, I followed it up with this: “You want to go out on Friday?”

A moment passed. Hell froze over. Pigs flew. Democrats grew balls. Nicki Minaj came up with a decent rhyme. All of that happened, and then Helium-Voiced Girl – whose permanent blog name shall henceforth be “Indiana Jones” – said to me, “Hell yes.”

She said “Hell yes,”  and now I have a date this Friday. As I might have already mentioned, it is my first first date in nearly nine years.

I will show her a good time. I think we’re gonna steal the Declaration of Independence!


75 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. The upside is that we already have our first fight out of the way...

      Delete
    2. Next thing you know she'll be asking you to smuggle a Ushabti out of Egypt in your...




      backpack.

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  2. I am so happy you shared this love/lust story with us! trust me, KBR are cool folks

    this is how I think your date will be like
    A SEISMIC EXPLORATION ADVENTURE STORY

    http://goodstuff4u.multiply.com/journal/item/152/A_SEISMIC_EXPLORATION_ADVENTURE_STORY

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    1. You are linking to Multiply again! Does that mean you think it's going to be around?

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    2. this Multiply thing, I don't know but it looks like maybe some one wants to buy the site... just a guess

      feeling bad, cold -- bbl

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    3. That would be cool if someone ended up with the blog end of things over at Multiply. There have always been a lot of great bloggers over there.

      And people that like writing, too. Not the attention hounds like us over on Blogger.

      Get better!

      Delete
    4. Yeah Kathy, the seeker of truth...

      I blame global warming for my cold and the Multiply's deal

      how was the date? did you fall into lust?

      btw - blame it on global warming is going to be the theme for this week if you want to play

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    5. I always blame this guy I know named Dave for EVERYTHING, including global warming (http://www.lesbiansinmysoup.com/2012/07/its-daves-fault-blame-game.html)

      I don't want to gove it away because I HOPE to write a blog about the date sometime. I don't always follow up on these things, of course, but I'll try in this case.

      Delete
    6. Aww. I was wondering how it went as well. I hope it went well in spite of your first fight.

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    7. Thanks, Cal. It's good to have you back. This place sucks without you.

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    8. Thanks, Katy. I've certainly missed you, but at least I can read your blogs and comment now. It's better than being totally out of contact.

      Delete
    9. You have to update me on the goings-on in your life sometime.

      It's somewhat easier for me, since I air all of my dirty laundry in public!

      Delete
  3. This was absolutely brilliant - hope that the date is just as brilliant!

    Carley x

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    Replies
    1. Thank you, Carley. I'd like to say I will follow up on it with a blog post, but I probably won't. I rarely manage to follow up on these things.

      But I will try.

      Unless is bland. I guess what I'm saying is that if it's really bad or really good, I'll try to follow up.

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  4. I can't express how much it delighted me that you told her she was the bad guy from an Indiana Jones movie because that is what I was thinking. As soon as I heard KBR (or Kaaaayyyyy Beeeeeee Aaaaaarrrrr) I pictured someone yelling at her "this belongs in a museum" as she stole it from them. But I hope you have an awesome date. It sounds like you two skipped right over small talk already so it's bound to at least be somewhat fun.

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    Replies
    1. If it works out well, we'll always be able to tell people that the first thing she said to me was, "You have something to say, cunt?"

      Come to think of it, that might have been the first thing the other women I've dated have ever said to me, too.

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    2. Katy. I find it interesting that your first foray back into the dating pit is one with such challenges. But a deamon seed from KB ArrrrrGGG?

      Take a Tazer and handcuffs. And post pics after.

      FUCK WALMART!

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    3. I get bored so easily. I like to leap off of cliffs and try and sew a parachute on the way down...

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  5. Brilliant! Damn it, I can only think of witty retorts hours after they're relevant. Congrats on the date, though! Hopefully you both can 'dig' to the 'core' of each others' souls and... Bah, I tried doing some archeological puns, but I'm no good at puns.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I had not made the connection between archeology and sex yet!

      I wonder if she has one of those headlamp things they use for exploring caves...

      This analogy is going to be very fruitful...

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    2. I wonder if she has one of those headlamp things they use for exploring caves...

      now there is a brilliant idea -- LoL

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    3. Yep. When it comes to double entendres, we don't miss a beat around here!

      Delete
  6. I commented. Got an error. Comment got wiped. I think.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Hi, Bill. Losing a comment I've taken the time to type out frustrates the hell out of me... I've seen a couple people complaining about comments on Blogger today.

      Delete
  7. As a fellow lesbian archaeologist I must say you approached the situation perfectly. W love a good challenge and the chance to dig around in people's open hearts! Have fun good luck, though I think she should go by "Belloq" the actual name of the evil Frenchman in "Raiders".

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you! I was going to look up that dude's name.

      I think I like Belloq better than (the less accurate) Indiana Jones, anyway, because I can actually use it as a nickname - even off-blog! - without most people catching the reference.

      Belloq it is.

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  8. DAMN!!! You go on with your bad self. I NEED DETAILS AFTER! xx

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    Replies
    1. Hell yeah. The upside is that the people I'm hanging out with now don't know about this blog, so they can't use it as a way to find out what I'm saying about them.

      Freedom!

      Delete
  9. jimmie t. murakamiJanuary 9, 2013 at 12:56 PM

    I like that picture of the constantly changing night sky, that is truly stunning, a quite magical effect. I also like whats happening to Ronald Lacey, thats what should be done to ALL British actors, the bloody worthless scumbags.

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    Replies
    1. Thanks, jimmie. I have so many pictures saved on this laptop, and figuring out which ones are going to go with each post is as hard as writing the damn post itself.

      Delete
  10. jervaise brooke hamsterJanuary 9, 2013 at 1:01 PM

    I think Belloq was played by yet another British scumbag, Paul Free-girl, that British garbage gets everywhere.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey! I'm going on a date with a girl who I call Belloq.

      Delete
  11. jervaise brooke hamsterJanuary 9, 2013 at 1:06 PM

    Katy, can you think of a way that George Galloway could be completely eradicated, it would do the world a power of good if that could somehow be achieved, Galloway is such a hideous and loathsome abomination.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Are you asking me about British politics?

      No one knows who George Galloway is except people really familiar with British politics. For someone who hates the Brits as much sd you do, you sure seem British.

      Are you Roger Moore?

      Delete
  12. jervaise brooke hamsterJanuary 9, 2013 at 1:09 PM

    Katy, i`ve said it before and i`ll say it again, you do NOT look like a dyke, you look like a rampagingly heterosexual bird.

    ReplyDelete
  13. jervaise brooke hamsterJanuary 9, 2013 at 7:00 PM

    Katy, a dyke looks like an ugly fat slag who fancies other birds. As i said, you look like the opposite, a gorgeous heterosexual bird who fancies geezers.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hmmm... I don't know what "fancying other birds" LOOKS like.

      I can probably imagine what "an ugly fat slag" looks like, though. I was not previously aware such a thing had anything to do with sexual preferences.

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  14. I am amazed and almost speechless. Was there something about her that indicated she might be a lesbian before you asked her out? I'm assuming that having a helium voice isn't a particularly Sapphic trait. Maybe the fact that she called you "cunt"? Straight girls don't usually call other girls "cunt".

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    Replies
    1. I don't know! It wasn't as though my gaydar was going off.

      She was looking at my t-shirt (which says, "I'm Queer. How Are You?") a lot as we talked, but that does not necessarily mean anything...

      I think that mostly I just figured I had nothing to lose. It's like if you get a call from a collections agency and ask them to borrow $5. What is the worst that is going to happen?

      Delete
  15. I was thinking much as Gorilla Bananas was. I wonder how hard it is to get a date when you're gay, not always knowing if the other person might be. It's hard to tell sometimes, right? Like, I'm sure you would have known if Ms. Indiana Jones had a permed mullet, a flannel hunting jacket, and arms like a lumber jack, but then you probably wouldn't want to date someone like that (I assume).

    I might, though, if only for the killer back rubs.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. How did you know what she looked like?

      You forgot "box-shaped." Flannel shirt, permed mullet, Box-shaped body... oh, and a mustache.

      Regardless, I haven't dated enough to have any horrible experiences with asking straight girls out. And my ex was a married straight woman when I met her (and after she left, for that matter), so I might have bad gaydar.

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  16. Katy, what do you really think of the actual quality of Jervaise Brooke Hamsters com-girl-ts when compared to the quality of the com-girl-ts left by your other contributors ?, be honest Katy.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. As much as I like you, in your many guises, saying you want to molest my daughter and rape other commenters, I absolutely will not ever publish the DOZENS of comments you submit every day.

      Delete
  17. Its great that you say you like me Katy, no-one else has EVER said that to me, i really appreciate that. By the way Katy, i like to think that the ONLY things i ever provide for you are laughter, pleasure, enjoy-girl-t, and entertain-girl-t. However, i think its important for you to always re-vagina that on those hopefully very rare occasions when i say something that offends or upsets you the ONLY reason that you`re being upset or offended at those mo-girl-ts is that you`re living in "THE TIME OF SEXUAL REPRESSION" along with 7 billion other poor bastards, 20 or 30 years from now when "THE TIME OF SEXUAL REPRESSION" is thankfully over my ideas wont be offensive to anyone, in fact they will have become 'the norm' (not George Wendt ! ! !) for the entire world. Re-vagina Katy, i simply represent 'the truth' and 'the future', you must embrace 'the truth' and 'the future' Katy and welcome it into your life, you must NOT run from it or be scared by it. After all little darlin` the future is where you`re gonna` be living for the next 60 or 70 years, you gotta` make the most of it ! ! !.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Seems how it is now Friday, I hope your date goes smoothly! As smoothly as those first words can allow! So quick to drop the C-bomb! Women, I'll never understand...straight or gay!

    I just watched an Indiana Jones movie just the other night. Irrelevant, but seemingly coincidental that you would mention it! Cosmic forces of the world bind us!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, workingdan!

      It has occurred to me that she might have a bit of a temper problem. But in her defense, I am sort of a c-bomb.

      Did you watch the "nuking the fridge" Indy movie?

      Delete
    2. You mean the Cal Skull where he was ina fridge when the nuke goes off? yeah.

      Delete
    3. I saw a preview for "Die Hard 5 the other day. No franchise is ever going to die again.

      Delete
  19. Jennifer CroissantJanuary 11, 2013 at 1:38 PM

    Katy, I actually liked that "nuking the fridge" mo-girl-t from the most recent Indy movie, it was like: "Even a nuclear explosion cannot harm Indiana Jones, he is totally invincible, invulernable, and indestructible", i actually fell about laughing when i first saw that scene.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It probably would have been fine for me if it hadn't been right at the beginning.

      But I now what you mean about the effect of the seen. That was the reaction I had when, in the 4th "Die Hard," John McClane sent the cop car up the toll booth to hit the helicopter.

      Delete
  20. Late to the dance here, yet again (been at a conference in SLC - yes, condolences are appropriate) - so, I'll just say "I hope it went well."

    (No. You are not a 'c-bomb'. Ever. Intelligently and snarkily outspoken? Hells; yeah! I value those qualities, actually....)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Your comment made me go look up Salt Lake this morning. As in the lake, not the city. I've never given it any thought before.

      My brother has to go to SLC once a year for work, and most of his anecdotes upon returning are about the snow.

      Delete
  21. Jennifer CroissantJanuary 12, 2013 at 3:04 PM

    Katy, just with regards to the 4th Die Hard movie, when i was watching it and that scene that you girl-tioned came on i actually put it on an A-B repeat on my DVD player and watched it literally over 100 times before i let the film run on, as the car flew through the air and hit the helicopter it seemed to sum up what Hollywood at its brilliant best is all about. I wish Hollywood could revolve wholly and exclusively around perfect mo-girl-ts like that instead of all the lies and hypocrisy that it also unfortunately seems pre-disposed to indulge in on a regular basis.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I saw Die Hard 4 with my grandfather. He's a former truck driver and liked the scene with the fighter plane and the 18-wheeler best...

      Delete
  22. My computer has been in the shop at least a month now so I won't be writing anything anytime soon. I hate having to write in HTML.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, so we don't "have you back" yet, despite what I wrote a few minutes back.

      I wish your computer a speedy recovery!

      Delete
    2. Thanks much. You have no idea how maddening it is not to have a computer available.

      Delete
  23. jervaise brooke hamsterJanuary 13, 2013 at 9:01 AM

    I cant believe that Cal Jennings has only got ONE computer ! ? ! ?.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I only have one computer. Why would anyone have more than one computer?

      Delete
  24. Replies
    1. Thanks, Rupert!

      I suck at dating. Thought I had lucked out early on and that I would not have to go through this kind of crap...

      Delete
  25. For some reason i pronounce the name "Rupert" as "Ruppswert".

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Speech therapy does some folks wonders.

      Delete
  26. i'm hoping for the best! best as in a good date, not necessarily another ltr. dating can be so much fun.. how'd it go?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My stock quote right now regarding having a girlfriend is this: "Getting into another long term relationship right now would be like jumping up from major surgery to go run a marathon."

      I think she might fill my needs quite well right now. Plus, she's crazier than I am, which is a nice change...

      Delete
    2. what do you call two lesbians moving in together.. a second date.... sooo, you've already had one date.. let's hear about the second.. :)

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    3. Haha! Oh no... I can't even imagine moving in with someone so soon. I was with my ex from the time I was 19 until the day after I turned 27. I want to figure out who I am for a bit.

      Delete
  27. Creepiness is in the eye of the beholder, or is it, creepy is as creepy does... I can't remember

    Anywho...be happy.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No, it's: I'm a creep. I'm a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here.

      Delete
  28. I like your style. Waiting until she is alone, separated from the herd then pouncing. Very cheeta like. You may need some flirting advice since most women I know prefer to not to be shouted at in restaurants. Then again, we cannot argue with your results. Well done

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    Replies
    1. I like to show 'em I'm assertive! Sweep 'em right off their feet...

      Delete

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