My daughter came by the other day to see me where I work, and she brought with her some pictures from a wedding.
I was thrilled to see her, but it turned out the wedding was my ex-wife and twin brother’s, to each other, and it had happened the week before. I had not known anything about the wedding – hadn’t heard so much as a peep that it was going to occur – and this was apparently not by accident.
“Mom and Anthony thought you’d hijack things if you knew,” my daughter – whose name is Rachel – said to me.
What a thing for her to say! What a thing for people to think!
Now, the truth is, I probably would have at least considered hijacking the wedding. Safe to say I’d’ve given it some thought. The truth is, I’m reasonably positive I might have even started making concrete plans regarding how one might go about hijacking a wedding. After all, the prospect of hijacking a wedding is almost too rife with possibilities, if you ask me…
But it still hurts.
Plus, I hadn’t realized I was becoming so predictable.
But Rachel, she came to my job and she showed me the pictures from this wedding which was a wedding I did not really want to see. Many of the pictures were of my own kids, though, all looking very happy and grown up, dressed up in fancy clothes for Mom and Uncle Anthony’s happy day. And my whole family had been there, from the looks of it – Grandma Nancy and Aunt Paula and Uncle Jeff and so on and so on – and not a one of them had broken their promise to keep this whole thing secret from… well, from me.
I stopped and I spent more time looking at the pictures of the kids.
Meanwhile, Rachel checked out my office/cubicle/storage area. She was unimpressed but tried to hide it.
“How many jobs do you have?” she asked me. She was taller and… ganglier than the last time I saw her. She looks like an adult now, sort of, or at least a person you can picture an adult growing out of.
“What do you do here?” she asked before I could answer her first question.
And all the noise from the nearby offices/cubicles/storage areas filled mine. Mostly people answering telephones but also some internet radio stations and somebody beating the shit out of a piece of computer equipment somewhere.
“I have three jobs right now,” I said to Rachel. “At this one, lawyers pay me to spy on people.”
What the hell. She deserves to know the truth about me, doesn’t she?
“You’re a spy and you didn’t know about the wedding?”
I’m a spy and I did not know about the wedding. This means my daughter understands the concept of irony.
“I tried to find you before,” Rachel said. “But Mom deleted your number from my phone and then I didn’t know what to do. I can’t just go bangin’ on manhole covers, calling your name!”
Bangin’ on manhole covers, calling my name. This means my daughter understands the concept of Kay-Kay being a little crazy.
Then Rachel said, “You’re better than them, you know? You’re better than them because you think life is cool!”
I think life is cool. This means my daughter understand the concept of joie de vivre.
She said these things and then she went away, leaving the pictures behind her.
I sat there and thought about her for a little while longer before I went to go spy on people again.
[****Sculptures by Choi Xoo Ang****]
Chrome ate my comment, I think. If you got it, please respond in email. If you didn't get it, respond to this one in email so I can swing by and leave it again. My anger at your family is ruining my day and for them to stick poor Rachel in the middle, inexcusable.ReplyDelete
The weird thing is that there were fewer problems with folks posting comments to my site when I had my moderation turned on. That doesn't even make any sense.Delete
But the great Google in the sky works in mysterious ways that we mere mortals can only begin to understand.
Okay, I'm back to leave my comment again. I am shocked and angry and furious and heartbroken your family would not only treat you this way, but send poor Rachel to your shitty cubicle to tell you "this is what we did behind your back and we all think you're stone-cold crazy and we are happier without you, but, look, photos!"ReplyDelete
Would you like to have lunch? I'm so broke and so busy, but I will make the time to hang out with you. I shall sell a kidney to pay for our meal. Lemme know.
It's okay. I think Rachel was just trying to bring me into the loop, albeit after the fact. The only person I'm really mad at in all of this is my my brother because... well, he's my brother!Delete
I have been known to each lunch. I'm THRILLED to say I'm going to be outside of Houston in Dallas all this next week for work AND a Nick Cave & the Bad Seeds concert. I shall be returning, however, and I eat cheap.
She could've gone to your home, right? Assuming you didn't move out?ReplyDelete
Actually, the question is, how do YOU feel about the wedding? If you feel disturbed and angry, then wouldn't it be better if you hadn't known?
I've moved since the breakup. The townhouse we were in is in both of our names, and living there would have caused all kinds of headaches.Delete
I am still blown away by this whole thing. I managed to retain who I am and what i love to do, though, and that was the main thing. All that they can do to me now is add some insult to injury. But if it didn't already kill me, then it's not going to...
Homosexuals got cured of their perversion!Delete
That's what happened!
Oh, happy day!
Katy. I can't stop blinking tears for you. Makes me want to pinch nipples in not at all a plesant way and say, "Dana, you bitch, wake the fuck up."ReplyDelete
Kidnap the kids and come on over to Enchanted Land. I'll hide you in the mountains.
Dana is gone forever, the kids aren't gone forever, and I'm still me.
We'll label the absconding thing as Plan C.
It seems really soon for a wedding. Rachel has a promising future as a spy, maybe even an ironic spy like her mom. No matter what, her words mean you win, because "you think life is cool."ReplyDelete
Hola, Pickleope! I think the relationship might go back farther than August. Just a hunch.Delete
That's what happened.
I don't know what happens next.
Rachel is definitely going to be alright. The real story here is your relationship with her, and how it just got even more interesting.ReplyDelete
Yup. She's old enough to be dangerous now.Delete
Dangerous to... well, some or all of the other people involved.
So is that Dana in white, pointing at the camera? Looks like her.ReplyDelete
I think the whole thing just sucks. I am glad you are still you, and do what you do, one of which things is to pack a wallop of emotion into a blog so tightly written it is almost like a poem.
Yeah, that's one of the few pics I am keeping from the wedding stuff. The rest all includes the kids, which I don't post on here anymore because it brings in creepy pedophile types.Delete
The writing will continue, no matter how good or bad things get. Actually, bad seems to work best for the writing...
I have been away from your blog for FAR too long. I apologize. I shall now spend the greater part of my evening catching up on your life which is written with brilliance. Cheers ~ SFReplyDelete
Welcome back, Heather!Delete
The past six months of blog posts have been wildly inconsistent in quality, probably owing to weird stuff going on in my life.
I've tried a few new things with the writing. Inconsistency in this sort of thing is alright, I think.
I'm just in complete shock. I think you've been Anne Heche'd. Yes, that's right, she's a verb. She's certainly not worthy of a pronoun.ReplyDelete
And if it's any consolation, Ellen is now a beloved comedian, and Anne Heche is a washed up nobody, so... there's that.
I'm not in shock by the Dana part of it. Clearly a straight girl who just got thrown crooked by my many charms.Delete
The brother part I was initially a little shocked by.
But I might have to start referring to Dana as "Anne Hecht" in the blog.
OK time to finally acknowledge the pink elephant in the tutu and ask a non PC question. Doesn't this wedding completely and totally piss in the cereal bowl of nature over nurture? Free will over ingrained behavior? My brother lived with a woman for 8 years before coming out. Clearly Dana made a choice. Going slightly less deep. I do understand how a woman would be attracted to another women. Men are relatively disgustingReplyDelete
Regardless of the motivation it was an across the board really shitty thing to do. Very cool your daughter appreciates you for you. That is rare in someone that young.
My non-PC answer?Delete
I'm just that good.
I can pull somebody over for 8 years.
9 years is pushing it. You'd have to be a real queer to go for that long.
In that case well done getting someone to change sides for that long. Clearly you have skill to match the wit, good looks & charm.Delete
There is a chaos theory that states to a certain degree you can predict random behavior. I guess they worked out the very non linear Katy math.
Plus, my brother is sort of just ME, except with male genitalia, a decent job, and a modicum of stability.Delete
Clearly you are the good twin.Delete
If this were an 80's movie about twins, I would be Danny DeVito.Delete
Sorry Katy but in this case you are wrong. Regardless of which moral yardstick used sleeping with your twin's wife (let alone marrying her) makes him the evil twin.Delete
The double bigamy proposition complicates the situation some but I would still argue in your favor.
But as a direct result of this beautiful union, there is much less abomination in the world!Delete
Oof, that's some pretty twisted stuff. I'm in disbelief that a family could be so cold. At least your daughter is on your side and is capable of exhibiting common human courtesy. Keep fighting the good fight, and continue "thinking life is cool."ReplyDelete
The family is sort of between a rock and a hard place.Delete
Plus, people love weddings, evidently.
Ugh I hate that word. Unless it is followed by snowman then it's cool.Delete
I have never been able to figure out why so many Yetis violate Leviticus.Delete
If it doesn't make you sort of want to claw your eyes out, it's not interesting enough for me to blog about!Delete
My first thought?ReplyDelete
"People suck. And they don't really do it that well...."
People are okay. They all think they are incredibly complicated and haunted by their pasts. So even though they are SURE they are the good guy in Life, they have this heavy burden to bear that makes them sometimes do things to others they'd prefer not to do...Delete
I'm so glad not to be a person!
I was going to comment last night but I was on mobile and commenting and reading comments on mobile is annoying so I didn't...which is a way of saying that I'm glad I waited until I read this comment Katy, because it's sort of in line with what I was thinking when I read this initially. Which, in short, is that people sure can find ways to justify and/or rationalize doing awful things to other people. I happen to think that treating someone abysmally and managing to feel little or no guilt about it (or at least, not enough to stop you from doing it or at least feeling really awful about it later) makes you a BAD guy, not a good guy. But try explaining to people why the person they're treating awfully doesn't actually deserve to be treated that way, and you start getting all sorts of funny looks, defensiveness or awkward silence. And then they go do it anyway.Delete
I've been around family law attorneys for many years now, and it comes down to that question they ask potential clients: "What is your ex going to say about you?"Delete
It's always a revealing question because people write these story lines in their minds about what's happened that are selective when it comes to facts...
Anyway, things stay weird for me regardless of who else is around. It's going to be a cool year. I do my thing.
I thought you were being funny... I was waiting for the punch line. But... Nope. Well, my homie Mark Twain said, “Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities; Truth isn't.” What an unlikely truth you are faced with. Damn.ReplyDelete
That's a great quote.Delete
You're right: I would reject this scenario if it was included in a novel.
But it's all going to be okay. Everybody's gonna get the life they deserve.
saw GOODSTUFF was here.Delete
Well, that is some craptastic bullshit. I think that has my first divorce beat, and that was some screwed-up, ridiculous bullshit in and on itself. You seem to be handling this very well. Watch out for a sudden, potent desire to kill Dana later on. And my deepest sympathy to you and to your kids.ReplyDelete
It is an unbelievably convoluted story - that could be made even more convoluted if I went into it a little deeper. It's going to be alright, though: people get past worst stuff than this all of the time.
If nothing else does, it feels like this blog sort of keeps me tethered to the earth at times.
God, I love your blog. Where else can I go to find myself fighting back tears one sentence and laughing my ass off reading the next?ReplyDelete
She's right, you know. You ARE better than all of them.
Making sure you live well and happy despite their shitty treatment is all the proof of that anyone will ever need.
Thank 'em for not making you spring for a cheesy wedding present, toss back a shot of tequila, and let 'em know you'll be happy to lend a dry shoulder when their divorce is pending. They can take turns.
After six months, I finally reached a point this weekend where I've decided that the future is more exciting with the relationship behind me.Delete
There's still a lot to do.
You could go to bed alone tonight and by this time tomorrow have met your absolute soulmate, someone who's wondering at this very moment where in the hell you're hiding. Being unattached when Ms. Right comes along might be the difference between laughing about all of this someday or crying about it.Delete
Regardless, I definitely think you owe it to the world to document your next home-for-the-hollerdaze reunion with the happy couple. Thanksgiving in Katyland might make for EPIC reading!
I am watching Doctor Who and reading Camus while blaring bossa nova and dancing around in my underwear tonight.Delete
I never could have done that in the days when I had a roommate.
Shit, I don't believe she would have ever left if you'd blared bossa nova and danced around in your underwear more often! People that outrageous are too interesting to abandon...Delete
When I have the house to myself I sometimes play disc jockey, finding old cuts from obscure albums that just HAVE to have air time with the Bose system cranked up to 11, Spinal Tappy style. I'm pretty sure the neighbors wonder who the hell listens to Santana, Bach cello concertos, and Patty Griffin in the same sitting. Keep 'em guessing, that's the key.
The thing is, I'm realizing just how self-centered I am.Delete
And I love it.
I probably shouldn't subject someone else to it.
Wow - just, wow!ReplyDelete
But if weird stuff didn't happen to me, what would I have to write about?Delete