Saturday, September 7, 2013

Sober

I am sitting on a mattress. The mattress is on the floor. The floor is in my apartment.

I am sitting here on this mattress and I am watching a tarantula. The tarantula is inside a plastic box. The plastic box is on the floor in my apartment, like my mattress is.

This plastic box, it is clear like an aquarium. It is not an aquarium, but it’s close enough, you know? You know what I mean.

I have convinced myself that the tarantula is preparing to molt. Any minute now, it is going to flip itself onto its back and then climb right out of its old skin. In my head, this is what I am telling myself. This molt is going to happen. I just need to keep watching.

I have been watching this tarantula for a long time now. Maybe hours. Maybe months. In this one spot, watching it. Waiting. There is no way to know for sure how long it’s been. To know how much time has gone by.

It is while I am sitting here, watching this tarantula, who is doing nothing at all, really, that it occurs to me: I am sober.

I mean, I already knew I was sober. Before this. I knew it. If you’d asked me, “Katy, are you sober right now?”  I definitely would have told you, “Yup,”  and I would have been telling you the truth.  

But there is a difference, I think, between knowingI am sober and realizing I am sober. Really grokking it, you know? Somewhere along the way, I became a sober person and I did not realize it had happened.

Until right now, sitting here watching this tarantula.

I am sober.

Smoking cigarettes, I think I started that when I was thirteen years old. I quit when I was twenty-six. Smoking pot, I probably started at fourteen. Quit I don’t know when. Maybe three years ago. I guess I was probably fourteen when I started in with the drinking, too, and I’ve apparently quit that at twenty-eight. If what I’m realizing right now is true, that is. If it holds up.

This sounds bad, doesn’t it? This image of me as a chain-smoking, drunk pothead of a fourteen-year old, I mean. It sounds bad. I was homeless back then, though. This is not an excuse. This is just sort of an explanation.

I believe it would be difficult to live on the streets sober. Maybe impossible. I don’t know. Sobriety lends itself more to things like sitting on a mattress on the floor of my apartment, waiting for a tarantula to molt, than it does to living on the streets.

The tarantula starts moving around. All of a sudden it’s all legs-a-go-go. It runs down its web and then onto the side of the plastic box. When this happens, I say, “Oh boy, this is it! Here it comes!”  and not just in my head, either. I say it out loud, or I think I say it out loud, anyway.

Do I say it out loud?

The tarantula stops running. It goes back to doing a whole lot of nothing again.

It’s like they always say: A watched tarantula never molts. Or maybe they do not say that. But if they don’t say it, they ought to start.

Ecstasy I did for the first time when I was fifteen, only I did not like the feeling so I never ever did it again. The first and last time, then. DMT, I was sixteen, I guess. Then there were pills that kept me from being depressed and pills to keep my blood in check. Doctors gave me those. I took those for a little while.

One pill made me larger and one pill made me small. And the ones that Mother gave me did not do anything at all…

I quit them. I quit taking all of them. I did not quit because of health or wealth or wisdom. Nothing like that. I just did not feel like it anymore, so I quit.

You, sitting there and reading this, you probably think I’ve been juxtaposing images of my getting sober with images of a tarantula molting for a reason. Like I was going to tell you about shedding my old skin or something.

But trust me: I do not have any sort of lesson here. No ulterior motive. There is no moral to this story.

Besides, this tarantula is not going to molt tonight.

I am sitting here on this mattress. I am stone cold sober. I am staring at this tarantula. Neither of us is going to do one damn thing tonight.

I sigh. 

58 comments:

  1. I didn't know tarantulas made webs. Not that I've ever actually seen a tarantula.

    Maybe the tarantula doesn't want you to see it naked. So it isn't moulting. I mean, what do we know of tarantula modesty? Not much.

    The best drugs of all are your own endorphins. Ever tried them?

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    1. Tarantulas molt their skin, hair, stomach lining, lung lining, etc. If I did that, I probably wouldn't want anyone watching, either.

      I hear all the best drugs are naturally-occurring inside of me.

      Delete
  2. At least you have a tarantula to watch. I'm laying here just watching my surgical hernia and wondering just how much larger it can get before it causes me some serious issues. I have nothing better to do.

    P.S. Congratulations on the sobriety.

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    1. Some of us have tarantulas; some of us have surgical hernias.
      Hopefully, it all gets better from here.

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  3. I love how you draw me in. I am sitting with you in your bedroom and just listening to you. This is a great piece of writing and I am at a loss to say why.

    I'm passing on watching the tarantula molt vid though. Oh, it's only 29 seconds? Hmmm... No, I guess not. Maybe tomorrow.

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    1. Thank you.

      I have never seen my tarantulas while they were molting. I have seen them right after, though, and I've seen youtube videos.

      They lie on their backs and crawl out of their old skins. Pretty creepy stuff!

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  4. Little Bother is watching me via the tarantula's eyes...

    OK now firmly grab Grace Slick's hand and follow me down the pot hole
    Http://tinyurl.com/Goodstuff-doing-Alice

    be sure to check out the Star trek flick

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    1. Nice. I bet the Enterprise was just Jim Kirk's bedroom. They sat around smoking pot and saying, "Dude, wouldn't it be cool if we were, like, on this five year mission?"

      Delete
    2. just found this and thought of you

      This 1950s Secret Social Club Printed The First Lesbian Magazine
      In 1955, a group of eight women founded a secret club which would become the first lesbian civil rights organization in the U.S.

      http://www.buzzfeed.com/skarlan/the-ladder-the-first-lesbian-magazine-established-in-the-195

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    3. It's all been downhill ever since!

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  5. I loved this post. And if this morning you had said to me, "You know what? Tonight you're going to read a post about tarantulas and sobriety and you're going to love it!" I would have had a lot of follow up questions about the sobriety of the person making that assertion.

    I loved this post because you didn't tie things up in a neat little bow. I often feel inundated by posts about People Overcoming Things and that annoys me. It's not that I object to overcoming things or summing up the experience in less that 500 Very Inspiring Words. It's more that life isn't like a very special episode of Grey's Anatomy and it doesn't resonate with me when people make it sound that way. Mostly people are just in the midst of doing things or things just kind of happen. So go you! And go tarantula!

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    1. Thank you! A couple blogs back, my writing got called "sweet" or "inspiring" or something, and I can't have any of that. Of course, I tried to balance things out right after that with my post about feces. But there won't be any inspiring blog posts for a while...

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  6. This was a lovely piece of writing, Katy! You're a bit of all right.

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    1. It's been two whole weeks since I posted! I felt panicked. I had to get something down, and this just happened.

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  7. Lungs and stomach lining... now that I did not know or would have suspected.

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    1. It's some weird stuff. Somehow, it's like they only grow on the inside. So eventually, they are too big for their old body and come busting out of everything. It's how they grow.

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    2. Yeah yeah I get all that... it's just the internal organ thing was a good touch.

      What's your spider's name anyway?

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    3. I have a couple of them. I have given them internet aliases so that no one stalks them.

      The internet alias of my older one is Saint Athanasius. The one that is getting molt is Job's Tears.

      There were 11 other tarantulas, but they moved out with my ex last year.

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    4. Named after a Saint, well that seems to be popular now. Reminds me of Saint Francis.

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    5. That would be a ridiculous name for a tarantula. Nothing like Saint Athanasius at all.

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  8. Aside from having an Aquabats song in my head ("Tarantula" naturally), I am impressed that anyone lives sober. How do you face the crushing reality of general human existence without chemical assistance? I just woke up and I'm drunk right now. But one issue, I must disagree with the statement "Sobriety lends itself more to things like sitting on a mattress on the floor of my apartment, waiting for a tarantula to molt". I would argue this is a scene fit for a meth addict.

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    1. To be honest, my sobriety tends to look like meth addiction in more ways than one.

      Delete
  9. You should try writing some macabre novel and publish it. When I was little I used to read these sort of stories the style of juxtaposing things and kinda making sense in the end without loosing reader's attention. Sometimes the things and clues which looks like crucial in the end mayn't have any connection at all. How to get someone high by reading something? Raw talent I would say. There is a author in my native language Tamil, balakumaran, of course the south Indians are kinda overshadowed and suppressed and oppressed by Hindi speaking northindians in India. His stories are pretty good, it keeps you hooked and gives you a different perspective and bold, but end of the day , you loose your touch with reality and you will feel like you are in opposite world, trivia things would look important and important ones as trivia and major issues minor and minor issues major.
    But I had to quit reading his books when I had to join the herd and earn degree and get into a good college and find a job and fly overseas for job or do MS in US.
    You understand what I mean? Only very few writers have talent to write in a way they could dictate and decide reader's lifestyle. They even have talent to create dictators from Mein Kempf or revolutionaries like from Das Capital.
    You have the talent.

    What is good? Tarantula in soup or tarantula soup? I am not afraid of spiders if I am wearing boots but if I am not I am "regular girl".

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    1. I understand. Even though I read a lot, I never read any real essential classics until the past couple of years. I took a Shakespeare class in college, but I was always reading weird shit when I went home.

      The stuff I read on my own had way more of an impact on me than the stuff we were supposed to read for school.

      Someday, I'll write something able to freak people out...

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    2. My dear Katie, you alway freak me out ;), thanks for that. So often people are used to me freaking them out, so it's nice you can do tha for me!

      Delete
    3. That is a way bigger compliment for me than you probably realize!

      Delete
    4. Text books are literally exhibit A's for how much of waste is excessive PC is.
      Here, you have math problems with names Pragapathi sundara gorappolis instead of mike, George running 10miles per hour. You take a min to solve the problem but to write the answer and remember the name it takes forever. You can't expect anyone to learn anything from schoolbooks or school curriculum for that matter.
      didnt you hear abt parents protesting about Yoga being taught in schools as some sort of religion conversion mission or something?
      about these exotic pets, 11 tarantulas wow that's huge. When they moult it is a good feeling ie new life like butterfly or depressing like something shedding and loading the body. Beginning and end? Hope I didnt offend your pets with my comment.

      Delete
    5. I feel sort of bad for teachers. They are in a no-win situation, especially in public schools. Everybody has an agenda and everyone thinks their kid is brilliant and the teachers end up being glorified babysitters.

      Tarantulas are much easier to deal with than people.

      Delete
  10. Katy - Loved this post. Great that you confronted misconceptions about drug use. I find creepy crawlies make me look inside myself, too.

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    1. It seems counter-intuitive that I'd just stop. I never hit bottom or anything. Just decided I was done.

      That never happens on tv.

      Delete
  11. Hopefully a sigh of contentment?

    I held a Tarantula once. It was the softest thing ever!!! I mean the bottom of it's legs? The part that was walking on me.

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    1. Once they get big, they're really no problem to handle. They don't move much, just want to go stand in a corner and wait for bugs.

      The little ones scurry too much to really handle and are harder to extract when they run up your shirt sleeve or something.

      Still pretty cool.

      Delete
  12. This sounds like my wife, minus the chain smoking and the molting tarantulas. She just stopped using those things because she realized she was better off without them. No intervention, no struggle, no rock bottom, just eh, probably better off without this stuff.

    Me? I'm captain no-fun, I guess. Never smoked a cigarette. Never drank myself stupid. Never tried LSD or DMT or mushrooms. Those last 3 I'm not even opposed to, just never did it.

    Also, I've never really been a fan of tarantulas, but anything that sheds its own outer layer and leaves it behind like a pseudo-corpse is okay with me. Imagine if we had that super power? I'd leave fake dead bodies all over just to freak people out. Or just make a shot for shot remake of Weekend at Bernie's.

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    1. The molts are fun to think about. Basically, right before they molt, you have a LARGER tarantula trying to walk around in an unconnected body suit that is now too small for it.

      They don't always move much in that state, partially because the new parts inside (like the eyes!) don't line up with the old parts outside very well.

      This is pretty ripe with great potential material for human molts.

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  13. I'm sitting here, m'self, listening to 'Black Monk Time' and wishing they'd done more than that one album before self-destructing.

    They got back together a few years back, though, so I guess it's all right.

    As to tarantulas, I know that this time of year the roads in Arizona and New Mexico are lousy with them. This is their mating season - so it begs the question:

    Q: Why did the tarantula cross the road?

    A: Because he was horny as muthaf**k.....

    Oh, well. My mind wanders....

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  14. You know, there are some bands that manage to just get it RIGHT and don't or shouldn't ever need to do it again.

    My Bloody Valentine and Neutral Milk Hotel were like that in the Nineties.

    It's preferable to the bands that keep recording long after they should have stopped.

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    1. Well, The Monks got together at the demand of a lot of us who remembered them from The Day. They've kicked around the idea of a new album, but that's gone nowhere, as two of the four members died within a year of their reunion. Sad.

      I agree with you on My Bloody Valentine and Neutral Milk Hotel. I have NMH's On Avery Island and In The Aeroplane Over The Sea. Good stuff; that.

      Delete
    2. I think it's tough for a band that hasn't recorded in forever to pull it off. On one hand, the pressure is sort of off when it comes to a follow-up.

      But how do you come back 15, 25, 35 years later and do something relevant or great?

      My Bloody Valentine sort of failed this year. Comus (from the early Seventies) failed in 2011. Vashti Bunyan and Simon Finn failed a few years before that. Velvet Underground ever tried to record new songs, but their semi-reunions (Reed/Cale album in 2000, live album in 2003) weren't exactly "Venus in Furs."

      There's always plenty of great new music. I am happy if someone can give me just a little bit of brilliance.

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  15. I suppose sitting on your mattress in your bedroom with your pet tarantula is a good place to have such a realization. Much better than behind the register at the underground quickie mart while waiting on a couple self absorbed attorneys. Then its like "Shit! I am dead sober and I have to wait on these assholes?

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    1. It could be worse. I could work as an attorney.

      I bet THAT has never been attempted while sober!

      Delete
  16. Katy, your Kafkaesque trip down the spider hole has turned my entire evening around. I've gone from a disgruntled event photographer whose event was called off due to stormy weather (cue Billy Holiday)to a guy drinking a Cosmo and wondering if the garden spider at his back window molts. Perhaps I should lie on my back and stare at it for a few hours and see?

    I'm more in awe of your talent with every post, even though I don't stop by to comment as often as I should. I'm even impressed with the photos and gifs you post within your stories.

    You ought to have a blog or something!

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    1. Haha... Well, if I posted more than every other week, it might keep people coming back on a more regular basis.

      It takes me a while to come up with something, though. Plus, I have a couple jobs.

      Delete
  17. I smoked pot a lot in high school. Despite hating the feeling of it, I continued to do it, which is strange because I didn't fall victim to peer pressures under any other circumstances. I also started smoking cigarettes in high school. Though that only lasted about 5 years. Now all I do is drink, and I'm careful not to go too overboard with it. Other then those things, any drug I took was a quickly passing phase.

    As for the tarantula, I'm having trouble wrapping my mind about those sequence of images. That's is incredibly strange looking.

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    1. Fortunately for me, I'm addiction-prone but also lose interest in things quickly!

      Delete
  18. The struggle to end can be traumatic and dramatic, but to me it can be nearly as interesting psychology, to simply "grow out of" or lose interesting in something. How is it possible that some substance or action which utterly compels us one moment is gradually, without any apparent deliberate effort, transformed into something that holds no interest for us?

    (I don't have the answer to that question, fyi.)

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    1. I've heard from other addiction-prone people that they have just sort of "been done" with using after a certain point. The irony is that if I'd TRIED to kick anything, I'd have probably failed. This is the way I quit stuff.

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  19. That knee-jerk contrarianism will get you every time.

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    1. Yeah, it's probably "Don't think about a purple elephant" syndrome. You don't unless someone tells you to.

      I might have spent too long thinking about this blog post. I really need a drink now.

      Delete
  20. I'm confused about that video. Which one was the spider, and which one was the seriously creepily identical skin? Doesn't matter. They'll both be in my nightmares tonight.
    I did ecstasy once. I liked it. I like it a LOT. And that is why I never did it again.

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    1. She starts off upside down and pushes the old skin up off of her and to the left. Then she scoots over to the right and ends up finally flipping back over.

      Incidentally, it's been more than a week since I wrote this damn thing and the spider still hasn't molted.

      Delete
  21. childhood on the streets eh? pfft. bet you didn't have CURFEWS, did you?

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    1. Also no pencils. No books. No teacher's dirty looks.

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  22. KT,
    I've missed you from the interwebs (no pun intended). I hope you're doing well.
    JT

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    1. Somebody noticed!

      I did not mean to be MIA - no sort of self-imposed web break or anything like that - but that should start changing today, anyway.

      I need to come up with some excuses!

      Delete
  23. Replies
    1. Thank you. I get it right every few posts. Which is as good as anyone can aim for!

      Delete
  24. I always enjoy the way you spin a tale. Although you would have to chain me to the mattress and duct tape my eyelids open in order to get me to watch a tarantula molt.

    Congrats on the unplanned sobriety. It's been just over a year (I think) for me. I didn't have any great epiphany or rock bottom enlightenment either - I just stopped. Oddly enough, life seems even weirder sober.

    Karen

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    1. Hi, Karen! Yeah, I agree that life is weirder sober. I think I used it, mostly at night, to cut the weird edges off things, so I didn't have to lie there and think about how weird things really were. For the most part, that doesn't happen now. Things come at me full-speed.

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