Sunday, June 1, 2014

How to Pronounce the Word "Orgy"

Do you remember that Happy Guy from back when we were out on the streets? Daniel Johnston-looking dude? Lived up on Woodhead and West Alabama? Rode his bike everywhere? Worked down at the Bookstop and down at the Cactus Records & Tapes?

Yeah?

I ran into him the other night.

At Adri’s, matter of fact.

We were both mostly naked at the time.

You know about this Annual Orgy Night thing that Adri has. Her Festival of the Freshwater Squid or Naked Summer Porch Party, I don’t know. Hot bacchanalian decadence packed with straight, white up-and-comers, all six-pack-abed and rich and drunk and throbbing.

Not my scene/I got invited/whatever. I could have gone anywhere and I went there.

I stuck to the margins of the debauchery. I was out on the deck – sitting alone, people-watching, sipping a glass of Jack, smoking what I assumed to be a Cuban cigar, and as close to clothed as I could get away with – when out clomped our old friend, Happy Guy. Now, you remember him, Happy Guy’s got twenty years and eighty-five pounds on anyone else around, minimum, and here he came: naked but for a smile and a pair of old Crocs, ass like the body of a grub worm.

And me, I did not know what to say to him – small talk’s never been my thing and it had been years since I’d seen Happy – but there is  one thing I can tell you. There are things in this world that cannot be unseen. I took pains to maintain eye contact.

Alas, Happy Guy did not extend the same courtesy to me.

Small talk is all about shared interests, right? So I tried to find common ground. I said, “You know something I’ve always wondered about? John Cale’s ‘The Man Who Couldn’t Afford to Orgy’.”

I guess it seemed like an appropriate topic at the time.

I said, “I’ve never heard anyone else pronounce ‘orgy’ with a hard ‘g’ like he does in that song. Like ‘orghy’ instead of ‘orjee’.”

And Happy Guy was still sort of… leering.

I said, “Is the hard ‘g’ a Welsh thing? A New York thing? A Seventies thing? I-I-I just don’t know.”

And, well, what happened next was-

Look, there is going to come a day – if that day hasn’t come already, if this day is not that day – when you are going to want to insult me. Need to insult me, even.

That is okay!

That is alright. Truly it is.

I will not blame you for it. I will not attempt to dissuade you. I bet you will have one hell of an impeccably good reason for it when the time comes. I mean, you oughta hear some of the things I say about myself inside of my own head sometimes.

(Like did you hear that one? Just now?)

The perfect insult cuts to the bone in a heartbeat and then it hides a little while. Sometimes it goes dormant for years. Decades. It sleeps under your skin in daylight hours and then wakes up to chew on you in the night. You can hear the teeth, gnawing as you try and sleep, munching on muscles going necrotic. Tendons, ligaments wasting, putrefying.

This is no exaggeration.

The perfect insult will not happen online. People hurl words out at me online all of the time. Names (fat? commie dyke? homo-nazi?), accusations, impossible suggestions. None of it survives the hour. None of it sticks. None of it gets below the skin.

The perfect insult confirms your deepest fear. It smiles back at you from the mirror and it waves.

I guess what I am trying to say is this: You are going to insult me someday, and when you do, make it worth my while. Your while. Make it something I will remember.

Everybody’s gets one free insult.

Just like Happy Guy, who got his. His was his involuntary shudder of disgust while leering at me that night. I believe an involuntary shudder of disgust might just be the perfect insult. I don’t know yet.

Am I hurt? Ask me again in a year.

Am I mad?

Yes, I am mad. I am very, very angry. Steaming, boiling, flaming. Even if it doesn’t show. I’ve just got one of those faces, you can’t tell. 


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*** Fantastically twisted visions by Maruhana Bachi ***

45 comments:

  1. Damn! I miss all the good parties.

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    1. Hi, ted! That sort of thing is no place for a coward and borderline misanthrope like me.

      But if it's gonna give me material to write about, then I will go anywhere once.

      Delete
  2. The thing about the perfect insult is, like, perfect.

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    1. Thank you. It's because I spend a lot of time going through playground stuff from 3rd grade over and over in my mind...

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  3. I'm perfectly insulted by Blobber's refusal to allow me to post your new URL listing in my blob-roll. Every time I do it takes me to GoDaddy and asks if I want to reserve Fascist Dyke Motors for own domain name. Which sucks, 'cause I want people to be able to find your new digs.

    Anyone else suffering the same fate?

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    1. This comment has been removed by the author.

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    2. Hi, Squat. As on5464 said, it has something to do with the domain.

      I need to enter some sort of "A-Record" so that it redirects when people leave off the www, only I am too unsophisticated to be able to figure out how to do that. Lack of technical know-how is what forced me to abandon Lesbians in My Soup, and now it's sending half my readers into a black hole.

      I try to keep you on your toes, I guess...

      Delete
  4. This comment has been removed by the author.

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    1. I struggled a while with trying to knock this one into shape, and I thought I had circled back around to what Happy Guy said/did in the end.

      I'll explain in no uncertain terms here, and you can tell me if it is possible to get it out of the post as written.

      Basically, we were standing there together, talking, the two least attractive people at this... party. Or rather, I was talking, he was leering at me. Anyway, the guy is kind of a troll, but he's a nice troll, so I'd never normally say that... except after he leered at me a minute, he... involuntarily shuddered in disgust.

      He also said something between an "Ugh" and an "Eww" and then walked away.

      Clearly he was displeased by the amount of my skin he saw.

      I always come back around to infish the story in my posts. The question is (sometimes) how fine a point do I need to put on it. Once in a while, I miss.

      Delete
    2. This comment has been removed by the author.

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    3. I altered one of my final paragraphs, so hopefully it clarifies my point.

      This post wasn't really so much about the party as it was about Happy Guy and insults. I agree that what I saw there would be a different post.

      I have no information about the time stamp.

      Delete
  5. Were there dancing girls and bear black pudding fried in aurochs dripping? With honey? You can't have an acceptable orgy without dancing girls and bear blsck pudding fried with aurochs dripping. With honey.









    *The allusion is to "Asterix in Switzerland". Unfortunately, you Americans haven't a clue who Asterix is :/

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    1. The last time I wrote about one of Adri's parties, there was a cage, a gallows, and a gryphon involved.

      I'm not familiar with Asterix, which appears to be a comic that was made into some movies in the Sixties... many of which are on youtube...

      Being my age or American might not be the decisive factors in not knowing what it is. There are an awful lot of TV shows and movies and cultural touchstones I missed growing up.

      Delete
  6. "The perfect insult cuts to the bone in a heartbeat and then it hides a little while. Sometimes it goes dormant for years. Decades. It sleeps under your skin in daylight hours and then wakes up to chew on you in the night. You can hear the teeth, gnawing as you try and sleep, munching on muscles going necrotic. Tendons, ligaments wasting, putrefying."

    Normally when I read your work I hear a woman's voice speaking--and I know it's not your voice, because I have never heard you speak.
    Around the word "hides," the voice suddenly changed to that of Hunter S. Thompson, with his stop-start cadence.
    I instantly started Very Much enjoying your work about a month ago when I first ran across it.
    But Jesus!
    NOW I know who we're dealing with.
    The Great Circus is Back in Town.
    The bad guys won't know what hit 'em, and it is is going to be Beautiful beyond imagination.

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    1. I appreciate that, Scott. This one sort of got nailed together out of spare parts, and I don't know how I feel about it. I'll take the Gonzo comparison any day.

      Next week, it will be different...

      Delete
  7. Oh, yeah.
    As to Happy Guy, I have been told that people are like batteries--and when low energy nears high energy, the arc can cause a physical reaction not unlike being struck in the balls by lightning.

    I'm guessing he wasn't insulting you.
    His balls just exploded for reasons he did not understand, and he was probably just concerned.

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    1. Maybe. I was trying not to look and frankly, most of my mental process was involved with wondering who had invited the guy to get naked.

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    2. I really don't think that I could handle one of Adri's orgy (pronounced orjee) parties. I was invited to many orgies in my earlier years and almost decided to go once but got to thinking about what it might involve and thought it wouldn't be my thing. I had some pretty wild friends back then who were into all kinds of things. I guess that's what happens when you hang around a certain type of people.

      It was right in front of Cactus Records & Tapes where I prevented a fellow martial artist from getting beaten up by a gang of men. I haven't heard that name in a long time. Is it still there? They closed down the bookstore that was housed in the old Alabama Theater didn't they? I used to buy all of my computer trick books there. I stopped going there shortly after C++ came out.

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    3. Hi, Cal! I'm so glad you followed me to the new site!

      Cactus closed down for a couple years, and then it re-opened in a different place. It is now closer to 59 on Shepherd near Greenbriar, sort of across from the original Star Pizza.

      I don't go there much anymore. I believe I've only been twice in the past two years.

      It probably doesn't have the "and Tapes" part in the name anymore, either.

      Delete
    4. To be honest, I didn';t remember the "and Tapes" from back in the mid 70s either. Did the book store close down?

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    5. Oh, and is your email the same? I sent you a message last night.

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    6. Hi, Cal. My email is the same. I just haven't been checking it very much. I will, though!

      Delete
    7. Thanks. I wasn't sure if it changed with the new page or not.

      Delete
  8. To really be able to insult someone you have to know them at least a little bit. You have know their insecurities or what's important to them. Unless of course you say or do something and just get lucky. That's why family gatherings during the holidays are so dangerous. It's easy to do so much damage with very little effort.

    Jay

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    1. This is true. It is something I have really discovered with my own kids, who I can effectively insult like you wouldn't believe!

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  9. Well that ruins the baby name I had. We were going to name our daughter "DotOrg" to reflect our charitable leanings, and call her "Orgy" with a hard "g" for short.
    Also, it's not an insult but your post did expose me to a harsh truth about myself: I truly dislike the word "throbbing." Yucko.

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    1. It's not my favorite word either but I thought it was because I'm a lesbian.

      Delete
  10. Lets see if I got this right... You were a thing of pulchritude, semi naked smoking a fat cigar while drinking whiskey. You felt insulted because Happy Guy's Mr Happy did not rise to the occasion?

    In defence of Happy Guy... I blame the internet, advertising companies, plastic surgery and photoshop . They have conspired to "harden" the male species. Dudes no longer go crazy when the see a set of boobs and declare them a thing of pulchritude. We now rate them on a scale of 1 to 10. Most female types don't stand chance competing with the all mighty airbrush.

    -------------

    The Man Who Couldn’t Afford to Orgy

    Pity the poor man, pity the sad man
    Pity the green man who couldn't afford to orgy
    Pity the policeman, pity the snowman
    Pity the woman who couldn't afford to orgy

    "Say, Johnny, you're a little lonesome?
    Oh, come on big boy, let me show you.
    Mmm, don't you wanna good time?

    Kind of creepy but I am reminded of The Chi-lites "Have you seen her"
    http://youtu.be/xVYxKRXDT2I

    --------------

    BTW - How much weight should you place on the opinion of a guy that wears crocs?

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    My thoughts this week are contemplating the inverse of your post

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    1. Nope, and my writing isn't clear on this point.

      He shuddered. There I was, trying my damndest not to look or act disgusted by the sight of HIM, and he shuddered in disgust at the sight of ME.

      On the Giant Hierarchy of Disgusting Things, I was at that moment somewhere below this Crocs guy.

      Delete
    2. Doing a puppy party but I am not wearing crocs. Butt I did get the drift of your post

      there is no way you could below some guy wearing crocs

      so... I am thinking how to combine "throbbing" and "moist" and the Rock and Roll stuff

      here, smoke this! So good and so good for you!

      Delete
    3. "Throbbing" is all over rock and roll.

      Base lines are described as throbbing all of the time. Not to mention some of the lead singers and there's always Throbbing Gristle.

      "Moist" is a little tougher to find.

      Delete
  11. Soon as he shuddered you shoulda looked down, jumped back, and said "G__ D___ girl"! You need to get those warts looked at. Looks like they're gonna have to be burned off with a blow torch. They already look like you used to be a man until a piit bull got aholt of you. Waste too much time and you'rre likely to turn out looking like what used to be Johnny "Wadd" Holmes.

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    1. Haha... II'm not always good with insults.

      I used to work at it, but it seemed like I ended up overshooting. you know, someone slighted me, I shot back, and then it ended up making ME look like the bad guy.

      People know when they've been asses, and they usually feel bad about it. Spiking the ball doesn't usually help much.

      Delete
  12. Homo-nazi? I don't believe I can think of a better example of an oxymoron.

    Anyway, it could have been an involuntary shudder caused by him shifting his weight. Even the slightest motion could set off a chain reaction of ripples and waves, if I'm imagining his grub-like, naked body accurately.

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    1. I got a great picture of a protester here in Houston, protesting the new anti-discrimination ordinance, who had a sign that mentioned "homo-Nazis."

      Incidentally, this term is also the source of the name of this web site.

      Delete
  13. Now that I'm at the computer and can see and hear your song at the bottom, I like it!

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    1. John Cale has two kinds of songs;

      1) The ones that are absolutely, positively objectively genius; and
      2) the ones that absolutely, positively objectively suck.

      The problem is, it's sometimes difficult to figure out which category any particular song falls into.

      Delete
  14. Interesting. I'll have to check him out.

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    1. John Cale is best when it is just him and a piano, but still definitely worth the search.

      Delete
  15. There is a narcissist disorder posessed by most men my age. The likelihood a guy will look in the mirror and say "damn I look good" is directly proportional to the amount he is overweight. The same disorder makes them think they can turn the head of a 20 something woman, regardless of her gender preference.

    I remember one of my coworkers from Germany insulting me and another coworker late one night in a hotel bar. Being German it was not subtle. I gave him a fuck off look and left him with the tab. My other coworker was too drunk and stupid to know he had been insulted. So to be properly insulted you have to be smart enough to pick up on it. Getting the shrug insult was a great observation on your part

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    1. I hope I can do that in a couple decades. Suck in my gut, squeeze into a pair of Wranglers with a 44 inch waist, and say, "Yup. Still got it, baby!"

      Delete
  16. Well duh-huh I'm late to these two posts as well ... but did Squatlo let me KNOW you had new posts? I have corrected the linkage from showing your "My Possible Pasts" post to your new brick and mortar Fascist Dyke Motors. By the way ... I dunno if a mere shudder (even a scaly one like dood's) would get my ire up ... but "ass like the body of a grub worm" might turn my head!
    Glad I'm Back,
    Thankyouverymuch

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    1. I am glad you are back, too. I've been having issues with people getting to the site - the biggest of which is their needing to type the "www" in front of the name.

      But things are slowly getting back to normal!

      Delete
  17. Interesting contradictions.

    On a (potentially) related topic:

    Apparently the government is spending a lot of money on trying to figure out why so many lesbians are obese.

    I presume you, identifying as one, might know a few others and might be able to give the government a badly needed clue. Is it more likely lesbianism causes the obesity, or obesity causes the lesbianism?

    Any opinion? Because someone should clue the government in before they waste more money on such nonsense.

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    1. But there are all those grants out there, just WAITING for some clever organization to apply!

      Haha...

      It's not just that a lot of lesbians are fat. A lot of us are a specific KIND of fat: Short and box-shaped. I don't look like that and neither have any of my girlfriends, but there are a lot of us who do.

      If they ever find a biological basis for lesbianism, they're going to find out that it has something to do with some prenatal hormone being released that also causes women to be 5'2" and shaped like a box. I don't think the mullet or flannel shirt are probably bio-based., though.

      Delete

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