I’m gonna put my best foot forward this year.
Not like last year. Not like them other years. This year’s gonna be all about my best foot.
The very best foot. Not that other foot. You know which foot I’m talking about. My not-so-good foot. My not-the-best foot. The Foot Which Shall Not Be Named. The one that’s dragged me here, kicking and screaming, into this old dead-end alley where I lie.
I have looked on down my leg from this horizontal position way, way back down in this old alleyway. I’ve said, “How is it that I got here? How is it that this situation I am in has come to pass?”
And that’s when I seen it. I saw my good foot. Not that other foot. My best foot.
Heavenly choirs of angels sang. White light shone down and babies danced.
They saw it. My good foot. My best foot. The foot I’m putting forward this year.
Get on out there, foot. Yer the best.
Tiny men in spotless white tuxedos are going to lift it up this year. They are going to lift up my best foot. Like a queen inside a litter. They’re going to carry it along. Trumpets and elephants will lead the way.
And a cry will rise up. And a shout will take the skies. “Make way! Make way!”
They’ll say, “Here it comes! Moving forward! This here’s a better foot. This is the best foot. This is the foot you’ve been hearing all about!”
They’ll say, “Oh come let us adore it!”
Adore my best foot.
They’ll carry my foot into the club. They’ll march it into the V.I.F. room for Very Important Feet. Gonna get the E.I.T. treatment for Extremely Incredible Toes.
That’s right. This foot ain’t cheap. Not like that other foot.
This one, I’m putting forward.
It’s gonna go up on the big screen. The best screen. One of them 3D IMAX screens so you can eyeball every stitch’a my cuticles, my every hair and my every pore. And FIREWORKS when the curtains go up. And the little hula girls with their grass skirts, they’re gonna be dancing ‘round and throwing strings of flowers ‘round my ankle.
But just the one ankle.
Just the best one.
Not that other one.
There’ll be lights and laser beams and girls on high trapeze. Corks popping. And Beyonce’ll be there, singing James Brown’s “Get Up on the Good Foot.” She’ll be singing about my foot. Singing about my best foot.
The Nobel folks, they’ll come on by, too, giving me their first annual prize for Excellence in Footness. Fantasticness in Footity. Rarity in Footidation. Presidents and prime ministers will want a photo op. To get a picture with my good foot.
With my best foot.
The one I’m putting forward this year.
Right here. Right now. I’m going to step on up and step on out.
It’s going forward. Just as soon as I remember which one of these feet is which.