I’m gonna put my best foot forward this year.
Not like last year. Not like them other years. This year’s gonna be all about my best foot.
The very best foot. Not that other foot. You know which foot I’m talking about. My not-so-good foot. My not-the-best foot. The Foot Which Shall Not Be Named. The one that’s dragged me here, kicking and screaming, into this old dead-end alley where I lie.
I have looked on down my leg from this horizontal position way, way back down in this old alleyway. I’ve said, “How is it that I got here? How is it that this situation I am in has come to pass?”
And that’s when I seen it. I saw my good foot. Not that other foot. My best foot.
Heavenly choirs of angels sang. White light shone down and babies danced.
They saw it. My good foot. My best foot. The foot I’m putting forward this year.
Get on out there, foot. Yer the best.
Tiny men in spotless white tuxedos are going to lift it up this year. They are going to lift up my best foot. Like a queen inside a litter. They’re going to carry it along. Trumpets and elephants will lead the way.
And a cry will rise up. And a shout will take the skies. “Make way! Make way!”
They’ll say, “Here it comes! Moving forward! This here’s a better foot. This is the best foot. This is the foot you’ve been hearing all about!”
They’ll say, “Oh come let us adore it!”
Adore my best foot.
They’ll carry my foot into the club. They’ll march it into the V.I.F. room for Very Important Feet. Gonna get the E.I.T. treatment for Extremely Incredible Toes.
That’s right. This foot ain’t cheap. Not like that other foot.
This one, I’m putting forward.
It’s gonna go up on the big screen. The best screen. One of them 3D IMAX screens so you can eyeball every stitch’a my cuticles, my every hair and my every pore. And FIREWORKS when the curtains go up. And the little hula girls with their grass skirts, they’re gonna be dancing ‘round and throwing strings of flowers ‘round my ankle.
But just the one ankle.
Just the best one.
Not that other one.
There’ll be lights and laser beams and girls on high trapeze. Corks popping. And Beyonce’ll be there, singing James Brown’s “Get Up on the Good Foot.” She’ll be singing about my foot. Singing about my best foot.
The Nobel folks, they’ll come on by, too, giving me their first annual prize for Excellence in Footness. Fantasticness in Footity. Rarity in Footidation. Presidents and prime ministers will want a photo op. To get a picture with my good foot.
With my best foot.
The one I’m putting forward this year.
Right here. Right now. I’m going to step on up and step on out.
It’s going forward. Just as soon as I remember which one of these feet is which.
Feet can be overrated at times. I prefer to put my best chin forward, ;-)ReplyDelete
That's going to have to be a whole other blog post.Delete
It might be easier, though.
I mean, it wouldn't require me to hop...
"This blog is like the feel of grass between my toes" - I.R. PodophileReplyDelete
Kathy put her foremost foot forward and made a good impression on the banana peel. However, the inferior foot fell down the slippery slope of jealousy... (still drinking morning coffee)
"The human foot is a masterpiece of engineering and a work of art." Leonardo da Vinci
Thais would not agree Leonardo da Vinci; Feet are dirty and ugly!
Is this way it's near impossible to find matching socks?
If you could only see my best foot, you'd understand why I only wear one sock at a time.Delete
sharing a photo of Katy's footDelete
It's funny that you used that picture. I''m not familiar with "The Beverly Hillbillies," but my neighbors have taken to calling me Elly May because, apparently, Elly May had a lot of animals, too.Delete
I guess they don't know yet that we also share the quality of having the best feet...
Try using magic markers on each foot with arrows.......works for meReplyDelete
Hey, I'm in my twenties (for a few more months, anyway). We use tattoos for everything.Delete
I'm amazed how many people I know can't even tell their left from their right - who have to do that "l" thing with their index finger and thumb to know. I know a woman who got "L" and "R" tattooed on her hands.
I could get "Best Foot" and "Other Foot" tattooed on my feet, I suppose. I don't imagine those designations change.
How many footses does yous have?ReplyDelete
No matter how good the forward foot may be, it's still a foot, a gross, sweaty, gnarled, corned crusty foot. Maybe put forward a manicured hand or polished dentures.
How many feet do I have?Delete
Man, it is late and I am drinking and you are going to try and make me start counting all over again?
Will you be attached to the foot while all this is taking place? I'm slightly confused. Do they make detachable non-artificial feet now?ReplyDelete
I hope that I continue to be attached to my feet for a long time to come.Delete
Especially the good one. The other one, I can sort of take or leave.
And when you put your best foot forward, are you going to kick ass with it? I certainly hope so.ReplyDelete
Ha... I suspect my foot will have people for that sort of thing. Not like those common, everyday feet.Delete
Ha, "Best Foot Forward" my ass!! You violated that at barely 31 hours into the new year, you human pig!ReplyDelete
And of course, I am not addressing to Katy here at all. Katy, you have a wonderful new year with your big and prosperous family. You are the proof that Karma does exist. So carry on and prove them all wrong, girl!!
Not even my weirdest recent anonymous comment.Delete
You suck and you are sick! Good luck with your crazy and messed up life.Delete
Does that mean you're going to stop trying to post multiple insults here every day?
The world isn't going to make any sense anymore...
Nahh, I will be around to remind you just how deficient and disgusting a person you truly are in real life, for the public has the right to know the truth.Delete
I hope you resolve whatever issues you appear to be having.Delete
WARNING: I put my best foot forward in 2014 and my lesser foot has never forgiven me. Since then, it's given me blisters, warts, fungal infections, the gout, and a false sense of confidence while dancing.ReplyDelete
In other words, IT'S NOT WORTH IT.
I'm going to tell you the truth and I hope you don't take this the wrong way. I suspect the real problem is that your best foot is simply not as good as my best foot.Delete
I mean, few are.
You are probably right to play it safe.
According to Anonymous, you're a deficient human being, so you may just be saying that. As of right now I have reason to believe that you don't have any feet at all. That's right, I'm onto you, double amputee.Delete
However, my best foot isn't even in my top 10 of body parts, so it still wouldn't take much to top it. Even a cauterized stump.
I was going to run with the idea that "Cauterization is for Wimps!" but now I'm thinking that I might just want to make a "Top 10 Katy Body Parts of 2014" list before it's too late to post such thing.Delete
Katy. You might not know that I'm a foot man. Please publish pics of the aforementioned feet with the required delineations as to the likewise mentioned descriptors. I'm also a butt man in need of partnering in preparations for the possible medical-initiated loss of erectile functions.ReplyDelete
Might you send me contact information for the nice lady on the staircase?
I also just read your caretaker posting and am, as a reminder, in awe of your humanity. I have no earthly idea how I can help you, but here is my offer.
Please, fuck Walmart and kick them in the ass with your best foot, and happily so, this New year
I'm somewhat offended that you didn't automatically just assume that the picture in the post is me.Delete
Okay, I'm as pale as the background to this comment, but still.
You just assumed.
Katy. You, my darling, are quite wrongly offended. I carefully studied said backside, and the feet, before making comment as I didn't want to offend. So, while your offendedness is off base, I greatly appreciate your having gotten offended. Having said that, I herein post a second request for feet pics, and so as to not further offend, please post what I know to be an adorable ass connected to the other end of legs from feet.ReplyDelete
You're right: I obviously don't have that ankle tattoo.Delete
And hey, you never know what pictures I might post in next weeks blog...
Katy, whatever you do, don't send pix of your toes to Mooner. Christ, the guy's already wearing out bars of Ivory Soap faster than they can manufacture the stuff!ReplyDelete
Enjoyed the parade visual, though I'm trying to envision marching trumpets staying out of the elephants' way. Having played trumpet in the high school marching band, I can attest to the fact that trumpets are, in fact, quite lousy marchers. They require lots of help, and until you've had your frozen lips jostled by a brass mouthpiece you haven't truly thought about how much damage your own teeth can do to your lips.
On a different note, the gif of the aforementioned woman walking away was nice. I sat through it numerous times.
Thank you for the heads-up, squat.Delete
I keep watching that gif thinking it might end differently if I just watch it a few more times. It was completely relevant to the blog post, of course, as it demonstrated in visual form a foot moving forward.
I don't have much to offer except that the comments on this post so far are pretty great and entertaining.ReplyDelete
Except for Anonymous who, to be frank, needs to come up with some fresher material.
Yeah, this was one of those posts which, as I was writing it, I sort of wondered what anyonbody was going to get out of reading it.Delete
Still, it had to be written...
As it turns out, it made at least one person want to see my feet and another want to tell the world what a bad person I am. So, it was a victory all around.
I can't say I've ever written anything that's made anyone want to see my feet, so you've pulled off a pretty big win here.ReplyDelete
Woohoo! I used to think my writing would change the world, and I guess I can say it sort of has now.Delete
2015 is going to be fantastic.
I put my best foot forward at the turn of the New Year and instantaneously twisted my ankle. Now, I'm stuck with the lesser foot. Imagine if Daniel Day-Lewis fell ill and couldn't play the part of Bill the Butcher, so instead, they assigned the part to Daniel Balwin. No one can take my Daniel Baldwin foot seriously.ReplyDelete
It would be as though George Lucas had picked an actor who couldn't act to portray Anakin Skywalker in his "Star Wars" prequels?Delete
2016, by which time your best foot will be healed, is going to look great in comparison.