It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything. You might have even noticed this.
There are a lot of reasons behind it, but the main reason is that I am rushing to wrap up my doctoral dissertation in synthetic zoe-hippology. Its full title is “How to Build a Horse: Using Found Materials to Create Artificial Equine Life.”
I have cut and pasted a random chapter from my dissertation below. I hope you find it as exciting and cutting edge as I do!
HOW TO BUILD A HORSE
Chapter 46 – Plooked
Doctor Professor Purflublious Evanderheich Plook III (b. 1927): The name so dominates the field of modern synthetic zoe-hippology in the popular imagination as to be virtually synonymous with it. Indeed, today’s easily amused masses, so immersed in novelty for its own sake, are routinely subjected to televised demonstrations of the Doctor Professor’s so-called “Three-Minute Horse” on entertainment programs such as The Tonight Show and Jimmy Kimmel Live.
It is true that the Doctor Professor, with his diminutive dancing “horses” and his unrelenting spurious attacks on the present author, has achieved some degree of fame and fortune and even a tenured position at Harvard’s prestigious School of Synthetic Biology. It follows, therefore, that his “work” must be addressed in some fashion in any comprehensive text on modern synthetic zoe-hippology.
Nevertheless, the present author apologizes to the reader in advance for the unfortunate necessity of broaching such a tawdry subject.
Without question, Doctor Professor Plook’s so-called “Three-Minute Horse” stands in stark contrast to the present author’s successful experiments with Assoc. Prof. Ben Tan-Tan Rullecks at the Eastern Galveston Community College and Grill in Galveston, Texas. These successes are described in greater detail in Chapters 17-26, 32-35, and 74-91 of the present volume.
K. H. ANDERS
The Doctor Professor himself, in a series of much-lauded “scholarly” “journal” articles, acknowledges the many successes of the Galveston School before dismissing them as “occultic, supernatural, and fundamentally disturbing.” Specifically, his consternation appears focused upon the Galveston School’s utilization of rum, soil from hallowed grounds, and menstrual blood, as well as the use of chalk-and-salt magic circles in our zoe-hippological experiments.
In his “definitive” Nobel and Pulitzer Prize-winning opinion piece, “Katy Anders is a Witch!: Why We Must Stop Funding Medieval Quackery Masquerading as Modern Science,” published in the 2011 Annual Review of Cell and Developmental Biology, Doctor Professor Plook writes the following:
Verily I spied, where mere moments before had lain a horse-shaped burlap sack stuffed with menstrual flow, clay, palm oil, tobacco and locusts, there stood now an eldritch, red-eyed equine golem, exhaling smoke and scanning to and fro for a break in the chalk circle. And lo, the mere presence of this abomination within our world caused local fauna (including but not limited to natural horses and cattle and a large variety of birds and dogs besides) to flee the county en masse, a phenomenon documented in detail by law enforcement officers later tasked with rounding them back up again.
It should be noted that this infamously libelous passage, as much as any other, likely led to the tar and feathering of one our Eastern Galveston Community College and Grill research assistants by a mob of angry locals early in 2012. During this same period, the present author herself experienced a series of tire slashings and at least one refusal of service at an area bakery.
HOW TO BUILD A HORSE
And yet, Nobel and Pulitzer Prize-winning or not, the Doctor Professor here demonstrates his ongoing difficulties with conveying the truth. For on the night in question, the Doctor Professor stood cowering immediately to the left of the present author as she was mixing ingredients for the experiment, and he surely must have noticed that rum, not palm oil, was used therein. In addition, the frightened animals of which he takes note were most probably scared not by our experiment, but rather by an extremely localized lightning storm which formed over our laboratory.
In the oft-quoted conclusion of his article, Doctor Professor Plook goes on to write, “I pondered what animating principle might make possible such a monstrosity, and I shuddered. Since that night, my eyes have not known even a single moment’s sleep.”
The foregoing colorful hyperbole is only to be expected and perhaps even excused to some degree in light of Doctor Professor Plook’s background in creating artificial barnyard animals. Whereas the present author excelled from an early age in the theological and noetic sciences (see Chapters 2-5), the Doctor Professor worked in the R&D department of a sex toy manufacturer.
What one looks for in an inflatable latex sheep is miles away from the present author’s army of perpetually self-sustaining artificial semi-organic horses.
K. H. ANDERS
Should the Doctor Professor wish to continue on with his campaign of defamation, the present author issues to him a challenge:
He and his Harvard grad students can enter into battle against the present author and her community college and grill research assistants. They can mount their ponies and pray that the battle lasts fewer than three minutes; we will ride in on our “occultic” “abominations” and let the chips fall where they may.
It is your move, Doctor Professor. Giddyup!
What social-economic issue, or the failure of the human spirit, was this about?!ReplyDelete
Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. Of course, sometimes it's a metaphor.Delete
Perchance, has the gauntlet been thrown?ReplyDelete
We'll see how good all that ivy on his school does him when he's up against my cavalry!Delete
I would LOVE to know the story behind this! HahaReplyDelete
Hi, Cal! One of the reasons I wrote this one was that my last few posts have been way too accessible, haha.When I wrote the "Girl in Apartment 5" post, I thought I was writing a stalker piece, but everyone seemed to connect.Delete
I have to remind people once in a while who it is they're reading.
Breaking News from the modern Synthetic Zoe-Hippology Department at the Mormon Tabernacle and Cafe De Sky GardenReplyDelete
How to create a rainbow colored unicorn that poo-poos glitter - reported by Proof Positive
Using six magic squares form a "holding cube" and mix the following ingredients. While singing "Kumbaya"
Genetically modified space weed soaked in Mount Gay Rum (Only from the islands, man)
Menstrual flow from Sarah Jessica Parker
666 hours of condensed elevator music
Belly button fuzz from Kate Upton
Extract from the fungus that grows on old rye bread - (Lysergic acid diethylamide)
Multiple Hat tips to Katy Anders creative juices
Barbecue the above ingredients with flatus from Puff the Magic Dragon
Serve with shredded Pokemon
The result of all the magical effort units
Thanks for the Sunday morning brain food! Think I will "play" with this on Facebook, Blogger and Imgur
This comment gives me hope that I am screwing up the minds of the people who stop by here.Delete
Note: "I regret to inform you that any metaphysical service that promises or suggests it will effect a physical change or other outcome is not allowed on Etsy, even if it delivers a tangible item." - Christina RicciDelete
This is really going to ruin my business in conjuring girlfriends out of thin air.Delete
Love it. Hope that pompous "Professor" understands that he has been duly challenged, and that he can either step up or be taunted a second time.ReplyDelete
But back to the original premise... Why would anyone want to create an artificial horse? The real ones are annoying enough. In a previous life I married and lived with a horse woman, and I can tell you from direct experience that they are nothing but trouble. In fact, with the possible exceptions of dog food, glue, and western genre motion pictures, I'm not sure we should even facilitate the continued existence of the horses currently on the planet.
But then, artificially created horses might be less destructive, so...
I am sure your question ("Why would anyone want to create an artificial horse?") sounds completely reasonable to a layman. Sort of like How do we knowe that the world is more than 6,000 years old?" sounds reasonable to a layman.Delete
To scientists like myself, though, there are few things that could be more important. That's why this branch of science is so competitive these days, to the point where we're challenging each other to battles.
You might not understand it and your kids might not understand it, but your children's children's children will.
Your thesis should Trigger intellectual Fury and serve to further Champion you as the Queen of equestrian disfunction. A National connecting of the Velvet dots so to speak. I Flicka my Bic in approval. I hope you keep your thesis safe in your Secretariat.ReplyDelete
I don't mean to beat an old horse until it's dead, even if they already are. Pain meds make very simple sometimes. I really should just say Neigh to drugs.
When we were talking earlier in the week, you mentioned how weird my stuff USED TO BE, and I sort of took it as a challenge.Delete
Well ya know that old saying, "Ya ca,'t beat a dead horse." Why anyone would wanna beat a dead horse is beyond me. Anyhow, I just thought I'd throw that in considering your title. Makes no sense, but, then again, neither do I.ReplyDelete
Beating dead horses is its own branch of study, and frankly, we don't have much to do with THOSE guys. All the real horse-related adavanxces at the university level have really come from our side of campus. They only get real results by beating dead horses once every few months.Delete
Holy crap, I don't say this often and mean it, but "Eastern Galveston Community College and Grill" made me LOL. Also, I'm kind of hungry for a 1/2 lb horseburger now.ReplyDelete
And hey, better defamation of character than defecation of character, amirite?
As I was writing this, I thought, "If I was reading this, on someone else's page, what if anything would I get out of it?"Delete
I decided I would laugh at the fact that this purports to be pages 2,791 to 2,794 of this work. But the Eastern Galveston Community College and Grill works, too...
I know far too many hipsters with 3,000 page dissertations on absolute nonsense, so that doesn't tickle a funny bone so much as it hits way too close to home. But if you want to upload the other 2,791 pages, I'll gladly read it. I tried building a horse and he looks like this, so I feel your instructions are woefully incomplete.Delete
That horse doesn't look like much, but if it can dance (and I'm pretty sure I saw it in an old Peter Gabriel video), complaining about appearabnces seems petty.Delete
This feels like your foray into your Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus fan fiction? Is this cannon or expanded universe?ReplyDelete
If I were you, in the course of questioning Doctor Professor's qualifications, I urge you not to impugn the perfectly respectable vocation of those in the R&D departments of sex toy manufacturers. These fine people are contributing important instruments of buggery to the world.
I have been giving serious thought to going into fan fiction writing. It's clearly a growth industry.Delete
There's a really good writer who writes fan fiction about 50 Shades of Grey, and I thought, what better way into the industry than by doing fan fiction of fan fiction of 50 Shades, which itself was originally conceived as fan fiction?
Be so kind as to create giant organic ridable spiders, which can also serve as handy bodyguards, weapons and getaway vehicles. A good set of artificial poison fangs should do the trick.ReplyDelete
It sounds like a fantastic and comforting idea, but I haven't had very good luck with spiders as of late.Delete
There's no feud like an academic feud! Well done!ReplyDelete
I'm doing my part to keep things highbrow around here.Delete
Well, ..... now I'm as lost as last year's Easter eggs again. As usual. and reading every post isn't helping.ReplyDelete
but then .... I'm no scientist and I don't play one on the TeeVee machine, neither. I'm more of a cipherer. A three minute egg sounds much more attainable than a three minute horse.
Good Luck with your experimentation, though.
It's very sciency. You can't blame yourself for not understanding.Delete
Honestly, though, it seems like every few posts, I have to throw something in that is so far out of left field that it takes me three months for people to start reading my stuff again.
I think I ruptured something reading that. Let me check.ReplyDelete
Cool. I wasn;'t sure anyone was even going to make it through this one.Delete
Oh, and if the rupture did permanent damage to anything, I might be able to cook you up an artificial new part.
Like Borges on Acid!ReplyDelete
Whoa, thanks! You are vying for a permanent spot on my wall of praise.Delete
No "Ya ca,'t beat a dead horse." but it's just as true as "A horse is a horse. of course of course" "Boys will be boys", "A Deal is a Deal", "East is East and West is West, and never the twain shall meet", A man is a man, tho' he have but a hose on his head", Let bygones be bygones", You must remember this: a kiss is just a kiss, a smile is just a smile","Let Poland be Poland" "What difference does it make what kind you get. Coffee is Coffee", and my favorite, "A woman is only a woman, but a good cigar is a smoke" Words to live by!,ReplyDelete
Hi, Frank! Every single one of those sayings makes more sense than this blog post.Delete