It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything. You might have even noticed this.
There are a lot of reasons behind it, but the main reason is that I am rushing to wrap up my doctoral dissertation in synthetic zoe-hippology. Its full title is “How to Build a Horse: Using Found Materials to Create Artificial Equine Life.”
I have cut and pasted a random chapter from my dissertation below. I hope you find it as exciting and cutting edge as I do!
HOW TO BUILD A HORSE
Chapter 46 – Plooked
Doctor Professor Purflublious Evanderheich Plook III (b. 1927): The name so dominates the field of modern synthetic zoe-hippology in the popular imagination as to be virtually synonymous with it. Indeed, today’s easily amused masses, so immersed in novelty for its own sake, are routinely subjected to televised demonstrations of the Doctor Professor’s so-called “Three-Minute Horse” on entertainment programs such as The Tonight Show and Jimmy Kimmel Live.
It is true that the Doctor Professor, with his diminutive dancing “horses” and his unrelenting spurious attacks on the present author, has achieved some degree of fame and fortune and even a tenured position at Harvard’s prestigious School of Synthetic Biology. It follows, therefore, that his “work” must be addressed in some fashion in any comprehensive text on modern synthetic zoe-hippology.
Nevertheless, the present author apologizes to the reader in advance for the unfortunate necessity of broaching such a tawdry subject.
Without question, Doctor Professor Plook’s so-called “Three-Minute Horse” stands in stark contrast to the present author’s successful experiments with Assoc. Prof. Ben Tan-Tan Rullecks at the Eastern Galveston Community College and Grill in Galveston, Texas. These successes are described in greater detail in Chapters 17-26, 32-35, and 74-91 of the present volume.
K. H. ANDERS
The Doctor Professor himself, in a series of much-lauded “scholarly” “journal” articles, acknowledges the many successes of the Galveston School before dismissing them as “occultic, supernatural, and fundamentally disturbing.” Specifically, his consternation appears focused upon the Galveston School’s utilization of rum, soil from hallowed grounds, and menstrual blood, as well as the use of chalk-and-salt magic circles in our zoe-hippological experiments.
In his “definitive” Nobel and Pulitzer Prize-winning opinion piece, “Katy Anders is a Witch!: Why We Must Stop Funding Medieval Quackery Masquerading as Modern Science,” published in the 2011 Annual Review of Cell and Developmental Biology, Doctor Professor Plook writes the following:
Verily I spied, where mere moments before had lain a horse-shaped burlap sack stuffed with menstrual flow, clay, palm oil, tobacco and locusts, there stood now an eldritch, red-eyed equine golem, exhaling smoke and scanning to and fro for a break in the chalk circle. And lo, the mere presence of this abomination within our world caused local fauna (including but not limited to natural horses and cattle and a large variety of birds and dogs besides) to flee the county en masse, a phenomenon documented in detail by law enforcement officers later tasked with rounding them back up again.
It should be noted that this infamously libelous passage, as much as any other, likely led to the tar and feathering of one our Eastern Galveston Community College and Grill research assistants by a mob of angry locals early in 2012. During this same period, the present author herself experienced a series of tire slashings and at least one refusal of service at an area bakery.
HOW TO BUILD A HORSE
And yet, Nobel and Pulitzer Prize-winning or not, the Doctor Professor here demonstrates his ongoing difficulties with conveying the truth. For on the night in question, the Doctor Professor stood cowering immediately to the left of the present author as she was mixing ingredients for the experiment, and he surely must have noticed that rum, not palm oil, was used therein. In addition, the frightened animals of which he takes note were most probably scared not by our experiment, but rather by an extremely localized lightning storm which formed over our laboratory.
In the oft-quoted conclusion of his article, Doctor Professor Plook goes on to write, “I pondered what animating principle might make possible such a monstrosity, and I shuddered. Since that night, my eyes have not known even a single moment’s sleep.”
The foregoing colorful hyperbole is only to be expected and perhaps even excused to some degree in light of Doctor Professor Plook’s background in creating artificial barnyard animals. Whereas the present author excelled from an early age in the theological and noetic sciences (see Chapters 2-5), the Doctor Professor worked in the R&D department of a sex toy manufacturer.
What one looks for in an inflatable latex sheep is miles away from the present author’s army of perpetually self-sustaining artificial semi-organic horses.
K. H. ANDERS
Should the Doctor Professor wish to continue on with his campaign of defamation, the present author issues to him a challenge:
He and his Harvard grad students can enter into battle against the present author and her community college and grill research assistants. They can mount their ponies and pray that the battle lasts fewer than three minutes; we will ride in on our “occultic” “abominations” and let the chips fall where they may.
It is your move, Doctor Professor. Giddyup!