I
still remember the very moment when I became a Grim Reaper.
It was this past Thursday, November 5, at
8:45 PM, to be maybe more exact than is necessary. I had just run three miles
and I was lying in my van in the Rice Stadium parking lot with my legs hanging
out the back door, and I was listening to Jenny Hval’s Apocalypse, Girl, which was my favorite album in the whole world
back in those days.
And all I wanted to do at that moment was to
lie there and chill, listening to Jenny sing about Heaven and about wires and
cunts, but my friend, Aesop, was in the front seat, smoking a joint and
worrying about my dating life.
“I’m
worried about your dating life,” he said.
“Don’t
be,”
I said. “I’m not.”
I wasn’t.
“It’s
been more than three years since Dana,” Aesop said, unhelpfully. “Do you want to die alone?”
I wanted to say that we all die alone,
because we do, but that would have only extended the conversation further and
probably sent it down a quasi-existential rabbit hole to boot, so I didn’t. I
knew how these things worked.
Outside the van, two students argued over how
to make the stadium parking arm go up without putting in a card.
“What
you need to do is to make a game out of dating,” Aesop said to me. “Tell yourself you’re going to go on dates
with ten people and-”
I hadn’t been on dates with ten people in my
life. I did not say that, however. Instead, I sang along with Jenny Hval: “Some days I feel like my body is
straightened / Held up by thin braces / Metal spikes embrace my spine.”
This was back before I became a Grim Reaper.
Meanwhile, outside, it sounded as though the
students were trying to push the parking arm up by hand and were failing at it,
badly.
“How
many Rice students does it take to exit a stadium parking lot?” I said.
And Aesop, well, he was not listening. Aesop
was pushing forward with his grand plans for my dating life. “So you say you’re going to go on dates with
ten people,” he said. “And at some
point on each first date, you challenge yourself to – I don’t know – casually let
drop that you’re Jack Nicholson’s illegitimate daughter. Or that you have a
fused unborn triplet inside you who sometimes takes over.”
I paused Jenny.
I mean, hold the phone. Aesop was actually
talking sense here! This was the kind of fantastic, profound life advice for
which I kept Aesop around and stoned.
“Or I
could tell her about the phenomenal Bowling Prevention Program that I’ve started,”
I
said. “More than one thousand kids saved
from a life of fake sports leagues.”
Aesop crawled back from the front seat. “No-no-no!” he said. “You tell her, ‘Before we sleep together,
you should know that I lost my right arm in an accident and this is a bionic
arm with a synthetic skin covering’.”
I leapt to my feet, remembering to hunch over
slightly to avoid hitting my head.
“Aesop!” I said.
“Yes?” Aesop said.
“I look
her dead in the eyes. I tell her, ‘I’m just going to lay it all out on the
table right up front.’ I say, ‘I am a Grim Reaper. My job is to collect the
souls of the dying’.”
“Yes!” Aesop said.
Amidst all of this excitement, I jumped from
the back of the van.
The two students walked by carrying the
now-detached parking arm to their car.
I swung back around to face Aesop. He was
still in the van. “Wait…” I said. “Can we just… make it five people? Are you
going to be doing this, too?”
At this, Aesop got serious. He stepped down
onto the parking lot. “Honey,” he
said. “I am a gay man living in Houston.
That wouldn’t be a challenge for me.”
He said, “I
could get on Grindr this instant and find a dozen guys with Reaper fetishes in
a three mile radius of here.”
And you know? The man had a point. Oh, to be
a gay single man in this city.
I looked down for the play button on my phone
but I was different now than I’d been when I hit pause moments before. I was a Reaper
now.
As the car with the parking arm inside drove
by me, I got down to celebrating this new life of mine, dancing and singing to
the words of Jenny Hval:
“I
understand why people want to be reborn.
I
understand why people speak in tongues.
I
understand why people want to feel newborn.
I
understand that it’s the same as feeling unborn.”
I am filled with visions of Death from Neil Gaiman's Sandman series. You'd kind of look like her too if you dressed Goth and dyed your hair. You're pale enough. Remember to wear an ankh and keep your clothes on until a late stage of the proceedings.
ReplyDeleteI do have an ankh and really dark lipstick. And I always keep my clothes on until as late in any proceedings as I can.
DeleteWho knows? I might have to expand this from an idea to freak out people on dates to a full-fledged lifestyle.
LOL @ Aesop's comment re Reaper festishes. It's funny cuz it's true!
ReplyDeleteThe life of gay single men is so different than gay single women.
DeleteAdmiral Ackbar - "It's A Trap!"
ReplyDeleteGrim Reaper with lady lumps?
Beware of the voodoo witch doctor, with huge tatas, exiting the rabbit hole. She claims to be the Grim Reaper but she is an ambulance chasing (sometimes known as barratry) a probate lawyer.
I found some fantastic pics of sexy Grim Reapers while I was looking for pics for this post!
Deletemaybe, for Christmas
Deletehttp://3.bp.blogspot.com/-wCm1jqrjlY0/TfFQo125H7I/AAAAAAAAAJQ/cHyFi1H0SOI/s1600/jess%2528reaperchic2011%2529.jpg
I've been looking for something memorable to go on my right leg. That could be just the thing!
DeleteGrim Reaper needed over here stat before some other fool gets the job.
ReplyDeleteI'm not a real Grim reaper. I just play one on dates, apparently.
DeleteAll I know of the Grim Reaper is what I learned from Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey. So I assume that if you're to pull off this ruse that you'll need to be adept at playing board games.
ReplyDeleteI'm trying to connect the parking arm to the rest of this narrative and am failing badly. Was that anecdotal to create atmosphere?
There is no connection. It was just something else that was happening at the same time.
DeleteAlthough I shouldn't say that since squatlo found a connection, below. It's important for people to believe there's more to these blog posts than there actually is. Wheels within wheels!
Having the students remove the parking lot "arm" and mentioning a prosthetic arm was genius. I don't know why, but it was.
ReplyDeleteA one-armed Grim Reaper would be even more Grim, in my book. Maybe he/she would have to trade in the traditional scythe for a sling blade ("Some people call it a kaiser blade, I call it sling blade..."). Wes Craven will read this and make a five movie series out of it.
Or better yet, put a giant kaiser blade on to replace the parking arm, and just chop vehicles that don't put in a ticket...
Hi, Squat! There are all sorts of hidden meanings in my posts. In this one, for example, you can find the locarion of my secret treasure if you take the third letter of every third word and unscramble them!
DeleteIt occurred to me after re-reading this that most of the women I dated before hooking up with my lovely (and dangerous) wife were already dead on the inside, which made them perfect Grim Reaper candidates. They collected the souls of hopeful young men for a hobby. Ever met anyone who was just searching for that one special person to blame her entire miserable existence on? I met all of them, one at a time...
DeleteThen again, I've been told that if everyone you meet is a problem, you might be the common denominator in the equation.
The woman who told me that was dead inside before I got there...
I'm convinced most relationships are parasitic. I was just tlaking about this with someone a little while ago - so many people enter a relationship like, "We love each other, therefore, you have agreed to be my hostage!"
DeleteOf course,nobody at all ought to listen to me talk about relationships.
I am single for a reason.
I might be the common denominator in the equation.
I'm not sure how the Stockholm Syndrome works if both partners are dominant...
DeleteI'm not sure, either. Most of the relationships I hear about have already ended. At the office where I work, we end up interviewing an awful lot of people who want a divorce.
DeleteBest I can tell, every husband is a druggie and every wife is a prostitute.
It must be hard being a gay woman in the dating pool. Women have such high standards. If a good looking straight woman posted a Tinder profile that said, "I am a Grim Reaper. My job is to collect the souls of the dying," guys would still be all over her. Really, guys don't care about that stuff. I would say I'm different but the only thing my wife's profile said was "I have chink eyes" and that made me laugh so I messaged her. I just thought she was hot. But hey, at least I can admit my marriage was based on shallowness.
ReplyDeleteThat's terrible! Granted, there are a lot of lesbians who are too far the other way. The old joke is that lesbians arrive at their second date in a moving van.
DeleteBut what about all the soulless bastards out there? Way back the Turtles did a song that said,
ReplyDeleteGrim reaper of love, grim reaper of love
Killing the living and living to kill
Grim reaper of love thrives on pain, people, beware
Use your Reaper skills carefully Katy.
Haha. Mainly, I think I am just going to use it to see whether it scares off my dates.
DeleteMy hypothetical dates, I mean. Because I haven't actually been on an actual date in ages. So adding, "Hey, I'm a Grim Reaper!" to the line-up is sure to be a winner.
Love the way this one flows ..... and Writing as you'd have said it makes it seem in the present, more real ... easier to get lost in, ...... to me.
ReplyDeleteYOU might could get away with telling people you're the Angel Of Death. Great folly for a lovely sprite such as yourself. for those of us who already resemble Quasimodo's ugly brother not so much.
I spent a long December weekend there to Houston back in '73. 19 .... 73. I was a total pervert in those days, as were my traveling companions. We were welcomed and fit right in. It is not surprising to me hearing about the density of perverts there, 40+ years on.
Great Story
Thank you, bj!
DeleteEverybody in this town is getting laid all of the time except for me.
I mean, I know that everybody feels like that at times, but in my case, it's not just the sadness or paranoia talking. It's almost irritation, actually. Everybody in this town is getting laid all of the time except for me.
I used to say "I'm Caligula incarnate." and watch their eyes for recognition. The ones who knew who he was were the most fun.
DeleteThese days, though at liberty to pursue such foolishness, I'm in no big hurry to share intimacy with someone yet unknown to me. Perhaps I'm afraid to meet someone new, maybe I'm just too lazy to LOOK for someone new. Either way, I'm not envious of those "getting laid all of the time". They probably have WAY more responsibilities than I to go along with that. Bless their hearts.
Something will come along eventually. Passive research. "Yeah. That's the ticket!"
Exactly. Half of the population has herpes (really) and the other half is being stalked by an ex (probably).
DeleteSo I'm good. I have friends to talk to, I have a great imagination, and I'm set to go for the long haul.
Tune in to the next exciting episode of "Dead Like Katy" wherein Katy reaps Tiny Tim and explains to him that his Earthly ukulele must stay behind but he'll get a bitchin' new celestial uke in Valhalla and it'll come with a stack of Marshall amps. Whereupon Tiny Tim says, "So ... Tiptoe Through the Mine Field? Has a nice ring!"
ReplyDeleteI loved "Dead Like Me"! I owned both seasons on DVD but my ex took them when she moved out.
DeleteA good friend (now) whom I had just met was going on and on about DLM and offered to loan me her DVDs. I watched both seasons twice in a row. Was entranced the whole time. Brilliant writing. Brilliant acting. Brilliant direction. Loved it a LOT! Had just finished watching Orphan Black, so it had to be good to impress me after OB. Cheers, Katy!!
DeleteHelena is so hot on "Orphan Black."
DeleteThe other clones I can take or leave.
But I'd totally do Helena.
I thought Aesop got kicked to the curb.
ReplyDeleteOf course in your reality he/she probably slipped back from a parallel universe. I really shouldn't think in absolutes with you. I should know better by now. Bad me;-)
Divorcing someone doesn't mean we can't still hang out.
DeleteThat's a good thing:)
DeleteI tend to move past bad shit with others.
DeleteI must be rotten to the core, because others can't seem to do the same with me.
So you have the ex to take care of but the not the dvd's . That would make anyone grim .
ReplyDeleteMore or less.
DeleteActually, the ex is doing much better and is largely self-sufficient at this point. Working - not full-time, but getting there.
I should probably write about that sometime, since I spent so much time writing about how she managed to become dependent on me again...
Fuck with their minds, baby. If they can handle that shit, they're keepers.
ReplyDeleteHaha... It's all about whether I can hold a straight face while delivering the lines.
DeleteThe back and forth between you and Aesop is priceless. This is comedic gold. And the background determination of those students trying to get out of the parkade for free was just a bonus. I really need to figure out why or how to have your posts sent to my inbox. I'm on that pronto. You would be the first smile to my day.
ReplyDeleteHi, Sandra. Thanks, and I'm glad you figured out how to get my posts by email. I do the feedly thing to get blog updates for the blogs I follow. And God knows I follow way too many blogs...
Delete