What's in the Box?

“Angela says Cameron Diaz’s head is in there.”

“Cameron Diaz’s head? Wow. And what do you say?”

“I say it’s a cat. But until we open up the-”

[Tongue clicking] “-It’s n-n-not a cat, Rachel!”

“You don’t know that, Angela.”

“Y-yes I DO. A c-c-cat would make noise like scrA-A-Atching and me-eO-O-W-”

“No, we don’t know until we open the box! Until then, the cat exists in a state of-”

“How is it one of my daughters is talking about an R-rated movie and the other one is talking about quantum physics? Can neither one of you just talk about something… age-appropriate? Justin Bieber or-?”

“W-W-WHAT’S IN THE BO-O-OX?!”

Chupacabras Ate My Blog!!!

It has been fourteen days, twenty hours, seventeen minutes and six seconds since my last blog post.

That is way too long.

I have a good excuse, though.

You see, chupacabras ate the post I was planning! I was attacked by a flock of feral Mexican goatsuckers and all I have to show for it are the words you are reading at this very moment.

The post that should have gone here was way better, but the chupacabras got it.

It happened last Sunday. I was walking down Travis Street. I was thinking about my idea for a new blog post. To be honest, my idea was just about perfect.

That was when I heard it.

It started like a buzz, then it turned into a drone, and then it started kind of chugging like, “Ta-pocketa-pocketa-pocketa.”

And I knew. Even before I even turned around and looked up, I knew. I said, “We should not have laughed at Mario. We should not have poked fun. We should not have thrown rocks at his head.”

My friend, Mario, he knows (or knew?) that sixty-three percent of the good ideas people have are eaten by chupacabras. He told us that. Mario knows you should never carry a good idea around in your head out in public.

He warned us. He was very specific. Now Mario is missing, I have been attacked, and you are getting this lousy blog post instead of the one that we both know you really deserved.

*           *           *           *           *

We thought it was all fun and games, throwing rocks at that poor kid’s head.

But Mario knows a thing or two about chupacabras. I mean, he knows things.

Mario’s the one who taught me everything I know about them. Just ask him. He will teach you, too, and gladly. If we ever find him. 

Mario has notebooks and scrapbooks. Old floppy disks and photo albums. Shelf after shelf after shelf of them, and all filled to heaping with everything you could ever want to know or think to ask about chupacabras. He’s got charts and graphs and newspaper clippings. He’s got half a claw from one. Part of a wing from another. He’s got a paper mâché rendering from a Mexican Day of the Dead parade that’s so realistic, you can see where a real chupacabra once tried to mate with it.

It’s like I told you: My friend, Mario, knows some shit about chupacabras!

Like this: He knows there are fourteen chupacabras living in and near downtown Houston. He knows he has live digital trackers hooked into four. He knows they have three separate nests here and that you do not want to go anywhere near any of them if you can help it.

We always laugh at Mario when he says he knows things like that.

Now I’m thinking maybe we should not have laughed. We should not have laughed at Mario. We should not have poked fun. We should not have thrown rocks at his head.

Hindsight is 20/20, and we are doing what we can. We’re trying to make amends. We’re making all of the calls that we can make. We have called the hospitals, the shelters, and the morgues. Friends. Family members. Co-workers. His landlord.

I mean, he’s got to turn up somewhere. Right? Sanguinated OR exsanguinated, somewhere?

*           *           *           *           *

Last Sunday, under attack, I tried to phone Mario while I tried to run. I was leaving him an out-of-breath message about giant green, hairy dragonflies (“Four of ‘em, Mario! Four!”) when the first proboscis drilled into my right ear canal.

It came back out with a chunk of brain about the size of a cell phone.

I am pretty sure my last blog post was in there.

The good post, I mean.

The one you’ll never see now.

The second proboscis took a chunk of brain the size of a pill bottle, and that’s why I can no longer recognize the color orange or triangles and why I have lost all sense of rhythm.

The third proboscis went into my left ear, but everybody knows the left side of my brain tastes bad. The flock of chupacabras dropped me back on the pavement and went after some tastier prey.

They’d already gotten the best parts of me!

So if you see our friend Mario, tell him that I am sorry. Tell him that we are all sorry about the laughing and the poking fun, but especially about the rocks. Tell him we know we should have listened.

Tell him to please come back to us.

If you see Mario, tell him that “Lesbians in My Soup!”  can’t survive another attack of chupacabras. 

Sober

I am sitting on a mattress. The mattress is on the floor. The floor is in my apartment.

I am sitting here on this mattress and I am watching a tarantula. The tarantula is inside a plastic box. The plastic box is on the floor in my apartment, like my mattress is.

This plastic box, it is clear like an aquarium. It is not an aquarium, but it’s close enough, you know? You know what I mean.

I have convinced myself that the tarantula is preparing to molt. Any minute now, it is going to flip itself onto its back and then climb right out of its old skin. In my head, this is what I am telling myself. This molt is going to happen. I just need to keep watching.

An Open Letter to Actor James Woods

Dear Mister Woods:

I am a fan. Videodrome is one of my all-time favorite films. I also think you were just great in Contact and in that other movie. You know, the one where you played the jewel thief?

That was great stuff. Whenever you roll your eyes and act annoyed, man, no one can hold a candle to you.  The screen belongs to you. It is my belief that at the end of the day, you will go down as one of the greats, like Roy Scheider or like Peter Weller, one of whom actually might have been the actor who starred in the jewel thief flick I mentioned, now that I think about it.

Now, I know you are a big-time celebrity. I know you must get a ton of fan mail. I know that a lot of these fans probably believe that, because they relate with the characters you play, they somehow understand you.

I do not want to be one those fans, Mister Woods.

I do not want to be presumptuous about how you think or about what matters to you.

Still, I do hope it will not be overly presumptuous of me if I presume that you noticed a certain news story about something that happened just last week.

Three kids in Oklahoma were arrested for murdering a high school athlete from Australia. Did you see that story? It was horrible and it was all over the news, but then, you might be shooting a movie on location somewhere that does not get a lot of news.

James Edwards

Mister Woods, I thought of you when I saw the story about the three kids they arrested. There was Michael Jones, who is 17. There was Chauncey Luna, who is only 16. They also arrested a 15-year old kid named James Edwards.

When I saw the thing about James Edwards, I said this to myself: “Oh no. This is a problem that my hero, Mister James Woods, is not going to be able to ignore anymore!”

I really said that, Mister Woods! Out loud, too, even though there was no one around to hear it. You will have to take my word for it.

I know that story could not have been easy for you to see. I know it had to be made so much worse by the fact that it has not even been two full weeks since James “Whitey” Bulger’s convictions for racketeering and for conspiracy to commit murder.

Then, last week, James Wilder III was arrested in St. Louis on six counts of aggravated sodomy.

On August 14, a guy named James Meyer was arrested for illegally selling pictures by artist Jasper Johns.

On August 11, James Mouton was arrested in Scot, Louisiana after he (allegedly!) rode a horse into a bar, lassoed a man, and then tied him up out in the parking lot.

In June, ex-Miami Dolphins star James McKnight was arrested in Miami for domestic violence. That same month, former world title boxing contender James Kirkland was arrested in Austin for “causing bodily harm to a family member.”

I could go on and on and on, listing more bad acts by bad people all day and all night and probably on into tomorrow, too. A recent online search I did of Harris County revealed that there are HUNDREDS of men named James who are registered sex offenders in my city alone.***

James Earl Ray, convicted
of killing Martin Luther King

I hate to have to be the one to throw all of this bad news at you all at once, Mister Woods.

I know you had nothing to do with what James Edwards did to that Australian athlete. I know you do not support what James “Whitey” Bulger did to all of those people he hurt. I know you are not targeting my children to try and rape them.

But I also know that if it had been someone named Katy who did those awful things, I would want to disassociate myself from the crimes. More than anything, I would want to make sure that my fans and everyone else knew I condemned the entire James-related crime spree that is spreading across America.

I feel that I know you, Mister Woods, and I know that you would not want people to interpret your continued and confounding silence on this matter as approval. As support. As acquiescence, even!

That is why I am calling on you to clear up any misunderstanding once and for all. I am calling on you to publicly and unequivocally and unambiguously condemn all of this James-related crime. Use your celebrity bully pulpit to speak out against these criminal Jameses.

Make sure the world knows not all Jameses are like those Jameses. Make them see that you are one of the good ones.

James Warren "Jim" Jones, founder of a suicide cult

Maybe, by your positive example, you will even be able to inspire some other young James out there who might be considering a life of rape or domestic violence or… riding into a bar and lassoing a man.

It has been a very long time since a James has contributed anything positive to society… other than your work as Security Guard #2 in that 2009 episode of “iCarly,”  I mean.

As of this moment and this writing, it has now been five full days since James Edwards was charged with the murder of Christopher Lane. I pray that you make your position clear before we reach Day Six.

Thank you for your attention to this matter and thank you for all of the years of fantastic movies and television you have given us all.

I hate to cut this letter so short, but I still have to write to James Earl Jones and that Van Der Beek guy.

Sincerely Yours,

Katy

 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

***Below is just a sampling of the many registered sex offenders named James in Harris County, Texas, according to http://www.city-data.com/so/so-Houston-Texas.html. There were hundreds more. Mister Woods, please remember that I am trying hard not to connect you with any of these horrible crimes.

James Douglas, aggravated assault with intent to rape, 10/23/2003.

James Eric Brown, sex offense other, 03/05/2007.

James Jackson, indecency with a child, 02/26/1999.

James Wattley, indecency with a child, 12/13/1999.

James Walker, attempt to commit indecency with a child sexual contact, 12/11/2007.

James Elerson, sexual assault child, 07/01/2007.

James Bizor, indecency with a child by exposure, 05/03/2001.

James Williams, sexual assault, 05/21/1986.

James Williams, indecency with a child by exposure, 11/13/1992.

James Gonzalez, aggravated kidnapping, 11/17/1992.

James Shields, sexual assault child, 02/27/2002.

James Thompson, sexual assault child, 03/11/1983.

James Hargrove, indecency with a child sexual contact, 12/21/1987.

James Dillard, sexual assault child, 03/10/2006.

James Carpenter, indecency with a child sexual contact, 09/22/1995.

James Watson, aggravated sexual assault child, 07/26/2000.

James Wiinfree, aggravated sexual assault, 02/22/1994.

James Guthrie, aggravated sexual assault child, 09/10/1992.

James Chaney, sexual assault, 03/24/1994

James Hopper, aggravated sexual assault child, 05/03/2001.

James Trejo, indecency with a child by exposure, 09/09/2008.

James Gonzales, indecency with a child by exposure, 09/09/2008.

James Hunter, aggravated sexual assault, 09/13/1985.

James Alexander Rivera, aggravated sexual assault child, 10/23/2003.

James Alfred Kelly, rape, 09/14/1989.

James Allen Taylor, indecency with a child sexual contact, 06/18/2004.

James Alonzo Nelson, sexual assault, 08/09/2002.

James Andrew Myers, sexual battery, 11/08/1996.