I, Rodham

A guest column by former Secretary of State, First Lady, and U.S. Senator Hillary Clinton.

My name is Hillary Clinton, and I have seen the way you look at me.

I have watched you watching me. I have gauged your body language and I have seen the way you glance around at the others in the room.

How to Build a Horse

It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything. You might have even noticed this.

There are a lot of reasons behind it, but the main reason is that I am rushing to wrap up my doctoral dissertation in synthetic zoe-hippology. Its full title is “How to Build a Horse: Using Found Materials to Create Artificial Equine Life.”

I have cut and pasted a random chapter from my dissertation below. I hope you find it as exciting and cutting edge as I do! 

I Am Stranded in the Future

“Temixoch.”

“Te. Mi. Xoch.”

“Teh-mih-zawk!”

The people walking by me, they do not make eye contact. I am repeating this one word, and repeating it pretty loudly now, too – over and over and over – but these people are pros. They know the rules for downtown Houston. When someone is out on the street and they are shouting nonsense, you pretend you don’t notice.

That’s the rule.

I’m being dismissed as a crazy homeless person.

This is not a new experience for me.

The Girl in Apartment 5

There’s a girl who lives next door and she does not know that I am in love with her.

To be honest, she does not know that I exist at all. I mean, I imagine that in theory, she has a tacit awareness that a person or persons occupy the townhouse next door to her, and everyone on the block has heard me trying to start my van in the mornings.

There’s a chance she has even seen me when I go out to check the mail or when I take a walk with the kids in the evenings. Yeah, maybe… Maybe she has seen me!

But she does not know me. If I ran into her at Kroger, for example, I would see no flash of recognition in her eyes.

So the girl who lives next door has absolutely no reason to suspect that I am in love with her.